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So let's try this ... DarleenMB

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by DarleenMB, Apr 3, 2012.

  1. DarleenMB

    DarleenMB Silver

    OK, getting back on topic here :rolleyes:

    Last night's dinner was orange roughy, shrimp, a spoonful of leftover lump crab in homemade cocktail sauce and a small avocado (had a BIG seed so wasn't a lot) with balsamic vinegar in it. Didn't eat until 6 so was pretty darned hungry since the only other meal was a BAB. Scarfed it all down save for 4 of the shrimp. Couldn't. Quite. Manage. It.

    Wasn't very hungry this morning so ditched most of my 2 eggs. Need to eat dinner a little sooner.

    Today is tanning salon day. Oh boy. Cold and cloudy with more snow forecast for the weekend.

    CT yesterday was COLD. WHY does it suddenly feel so much colder?

    Oh yeah, on the PaleoFX thing in Austin. I asked 2 people who's opinion I trust and have decided not to bother. I have better things to do and can most of what they're selling on the interwebs. So I'll be avoiding Texas. yay. I AM, however, seriously thinking about actually doing the bead show in Denver this April. Gotta contact some of beady buddies and see how the market has been and if anyone wants to share a booth space. At $500 a pop I really cannot do it alone. OR I could simply attend in April and then sell my wares in September when they do it again. Gotta investigate before I make a decision.

    Which pretty much tells me I'm still not ready to do it otherwise I'd just DO it. I'm not one to ponder things for very long. Maybe I'm just getting old and stuck in my ways. OMG I hope not.

    And on that note ... I return the conversation back to where we last left it. A malbec soak eh? Not sure I want to try that. I think I'd rather sip the wine instead of bathe in it.
  2. DarleenMB

    DarleenMB Silver

    Pictures coming in about an hour of me wearing my new red shoes (just my feet, so don't get too excited). I figured I'd better get the picture now before my pedi needs redoing.

    Why am I starting to feel like Dr. Ruth around here?! LOL. Well, I'm a lot taller and (no ego here just go look at her) quite a bit prettier. Don't follow me you guys. I'm still lost!

    Forgot to thaw the ground beef last night so it was salmon and bacon for breakfast. Yesterday about midday I had some shrimp and the last of the lump crab in the homemade cocktail sauce. Gotta get a better chili sauce. I had thai chili sauce and it was just toooooooo sweet. ick. Dinner was Aidell's chicken sausages (I find I really don't like them any more but I still had some in the freezer so that's what we had) with peppers, onions and mushrooms.

    Sleep was good although the cats woke me up a couple of times which meant I wound up getting up to pee. WHY is that? Didn't really need to but the ol' bladder said GET UP NOW.

    Leaving one window uncovered so I wake up with the light otherwise I'd be sleeping until 10.

    Oh yeah. Almost forgot. Went to Amazon yesterday and found and bought this:

    [h=1]Schumann's Resonance - 7.83 Hz (just do a search, it'll pop right up)[/h]
    It was a whopping $1.98 and is 2-38 minute meditation tracks. I d/l to my iPod then went and sat in the massage chair. I was good for about 20 minutes and then I went somewhere else. I wasn't sleeping. Just gone. When Missy jumped on me came back and I have to tell you I was SO relaxed for about an hour afterward I didn't think I would be able to move.

    AND my energy level yesterday was good. Not spectacular but good enough to get chores done, run some errands, do more chores and fix dinner. WOW. color me impressed.

    One of the things I'm doing, which I may or may not have mentioned is ... keeping my bare feet on my earthing mat whenever I'm at my computer. It's been a slow change but I'm starting to feel so much better. Or maybe my stupid dopamine levels are starting to go up. Who knows. I'm just glad I'm feeling some steady, albeit small, increases.

    Off to climb in the tub.
  3. janagram

    janagram New Member

    I love art fairs...visiting them or being in them. DH was a potter for 35 yrs...I miss the many and frequent fairs of yesteryear...they've thinned out, but glad they're still around.
  4. endless

    endless New Member

    Hmmm, it didn't pop right up for me....maybe the Canadian site doesn't have it. I'll check the US site.
  5. DarleenMB

    DarleenMB Silver

    Janagram, I just got burned out doing them. I worked them by myself and at the time was doing stained glass. It was exhausting. I just have a hard time even considering doing them again even though making beads and jewelry it would be so much easier.

    Krista, I tried to get a link but I kept seeing a bunch of junk on the address which I think was tied to my account. LMK and if you still can't find it I'll pm you the link.

    OK gang, red shoes: redshoes.jpg :cool:
  6. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    nice shoes......
  7. janagram

    janagram New Member

    Ahhh, the shoes! Sweet.
    And yes, jewelry would be much easier to load and set up!!!
  8. diane

    diane Gold

    Love the shoes! Thanks for the pic! I haven't tried an earthing mat yet - but so do want to get one for work.

    Endless - the Canadian amazon site sucks. Try the US one - I buy stuff off there all the time.
  9. Shijin13

    Shijin13 Guest

    Earthing mat at the office has kept me sane this week....
  10. Lyndra

    Lyndra Gold

    Thanks for the Schumann MP3. I'm going to try it when I wake a night to see if it helps put me back to sleep.
  11. diane

    diane Gold

    Bah. Amazon won't sell to me because I'm Canadian, and they don't sell music in Canada. Guess they don't want my $1.98 too badly. LOL.
  12. DarleenMB

    DarleenMB Silver

    Well that sucks. Did you look on iTunes? the "artist" is "Your mind can do it."
  13. diane

    diane Gold

    Yep. No dice. Oh well!
  14. DarleenMB

    DarleenMB Silver

    Another dull and snowy day. BUt not nearly as much as the East Coast got.

    Skipped a midday snack/meal yestereday as I got busy. Dinner last night was pork loin "country style ribs" with sauerkraut. MMMM. Thought I had had plenty (had two good sized pieces) but about 2 hours later my stomach demanded to know when I was planning on dinner. A couple of spoonfuls of coconut butter shut it up.

    Sleep was just ok. Woke about 3AM and lay there for about an hour. Fell into a deep sleep after and didn't wake until 9:40. So much for leaving a window uncovered.

    BAB as usual. Too much FB as am still sitting here in my pj's. Guess I should get off my backside and go take a shower.

    Thinking about visiting the Taylor Gym tomorrow to check prices. They have Nautilus equipment and NO kids allowed. Want to check on availability of treadmills. I'm feeling like getting back to Fredrick Hahn's slow burn workout. 30 minutes once a week. Taylor made for a wuss like me.
  15. janagram

    janagram New Member

    hmm, that must be the "super slow" workout...? How do you do it on a treadmill? (walk real slow?...naw, don't think so...)
  16. DarleenMB

    DarleenMB Silver

    No. Walking normally on the treadmill. Strength training using the heaviest weight you can manage to a slow 10second count up and the same back down. Object is to reach muscle exhaustion in 8-10 reps. There are 10 different exercises and it should take you about 30 minutes. Do it once a week. His book is "The slow burn fitness revolution."
  17. DarleenMB

    DarleenMB Silver

    I've been feeling down in the dumps the last several days. I find it difficult to even come in here and post and, other than FB, this is pretty much where I currently "live" on the 'net. So, as usual, I went dumpster diving in my subconscious. Didn't have to look very far, either.

    First of all I'm still (big surprise) having issues with the whole MadameX thing. The final chapter is about to be written and it's been on my mind a lot. Here's hoping she goes down in flames and burns out completely. That's all I can say. My fear is she will track me here and try and retaliate.

    And the second thing is a little more subtle but it's been demanding I stop denying it and deal with it.

    About 6 weeks ago hubby pretty much moved into the guest room. He has legitimate reasons for doing so. The cats like to pin him to the bed. I've told him it's because he turns his side of the electric blanket on max sweat and they like the warmth. MY side is unplugged. I have NEVER liked electric blankets.

    AND he likes to lie in bed and read for HOURS on end. I put and end to that a couple of years ago when I read one of Suzanne Somer's books where she talked about the study showing that even the tiniest dot of light on your skin in a completely darkened room screws with your melatonin production. He's been in a huff ever since.

    He also has physical issues that make sleep difficult. The docs at the VA put him through a battery of tests and finally concluded (or so he told me) that the pain in his leg and his other symptoms are the result of a lesion on his brain stem. It's evidently near the area that causes MS so he has symptoms but NOT MS. At least, that's what he told me. I do know the pain in his leg and foot have bothered him for as long as we've known each other. I should note he still carries shrapnel from getting shot up in 'Nam.

    So we now, at long last, have his parents' marriage. To be fair we took a lot longer getting there than they did, but here we are.

    And when the subject of oxytocin came up in another thread, I cratered. I realized years ago that sex (with a partner) was done for me. The lack thereof was not something I wanted, nor do I still want. But it was not, no matter how you slice it, my choice.

    I've been asked why I stayed. Simple sweet answer is I made a commitment. Long before we ever even began living together, he basically verbalized our marriage contract. He stood in my room and told me that as long as we held each other first in our hearts nothing else mattered. I realized then he was leaving a door open for himself (it was pretty obvious he was asking for an open relationship ... I might be naive but I am not now, nor have I ever, been stupid). I accepted the commitment and as long as both of us are still breathing I will honor it. He has always been first in my heart. There is no room for any other.

    Second part isn't so sweet. When the great drought started I blamed myself. It obviously HAD to be something I had done and if I could just figure it out we would be OK. Naive. Not stupid.

    The really sad thing about a childhood/adolescence like mine is that even when you work at it, your choices as an adult are still informed by what happened to you as a child. And throughout those years, anything that went wrong was ALWAYS my fault. I was the family garbage dump.

    The third part is, sad? Ugly? Deep down, in the place where no light ever goes ... I believed then and still do, that I am not worth loving and that I am undesirable.

    There. Now you have it all.


    So when people talk about sex I run and hide. I don't even like to discuss self-administered oxytocin therapy because it just plain hurts too much. too many years all by myself and then finally just giving up. and you wonder why that thread depressed me. Well, there ya go.

    And another week off to a stellar start. More stress, more angst. More whining.

    Weighed myself yesterday and was happily stunned to see I was down a whole 1.2 pounds. Yeah right. Today was up 1.6. 2 years doing low carb, 18 month no grains, a full year on the leptin Rx, 3 months of CT every other day, 3 months on cytomel and a month on high dose iodine and where am I? Spinning my wheels.

    I'd give up but there's no where else to go. Some days I hate my life, some days I hate my body. Today I get a double dose.

    I wish my stupid 23andme results would come in and I gotta get off my duff and go find a doc because I need to do some lab work. or I could just crawl into my cave, roll the boulder in front of the opening and go take a nap.
  18. endless

    endless New Member

    I feel exactly the same way today Darleen! I'll be in the adjoining cave, just knock on the wall if you want company:p

    Hmm. This has recently come up for me, too. I should probably look into it at some point.
  19. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Darleen. I feel with you. I gone through the same stuff.. less and less sex in marriage and then no. And weird.. I knew to save myself having a amazing lover that made me feel perfect.. but I so well know what you mean when thinking it is all your fault. I so know this state of mind.
    I can have moments of them still but I never let it for long because guess what I do then? I kick myself in my ass, stand up, wash my hair, make me pretty, look into the mirror and say I am beautiful. And if I feel fat I just put on some clothes that looks great and makes me feel not fat and I tell myself I am just fine. Perfectly fine.
    You know what Darleen? I have a broken heart still. But I am not too sad about it because it is a blessing to. Now I have a good reason to say, I must heal. I allow myself to hide in a cold and dark cave.. and just.. rest. Rest and heal. Do nice stuff that I like. Healing stuff. I am allowed to hide, to heal. Because we must go cold, dark and boring..lol

    And during all this, I know soon comes summer. And my heart is open. I know there are thousend of possibilities, men to love, love to share.. all beautiful things out there. But right now, I enjoy this "vacation". I can feel sad if I want, but I like to be alone. I guess it is the grieve in my heart and it is ok. One day it will be gone. I give me much time and it feels just good.

    Guess what Darleen. You are lucky your hubby friend moved to the guest room because now you can have all windows open...! Yay! And do whatever you want!

    We are blessed, as we can consentrate only on ourselves right now, on our healing only! To me it helps huge to think, no ones know what the future brings.. it might be really exiting! Have an open heart always, it does wonders to me. And then.. go on and enjoy what beautiful things you have in your life... with every. single. breath. :)

    And then.. I use to think if I never had the "bad days" I would not enjoy the good ones that much! The sun will shine soon enough.. it always do.:)
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2013
  20. Lyndra

    Lyndra Gold

    Coincidentally, I was just thinking of you early this morning - what a good time you have when you get together with your girlfriend and yak for hours at the coffee house. I was feeling envious of that but happy that you have a good friend in your life. I know you have it within you to break out of the gloom. Hugs!

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