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SkywayKate's Journey to Optimal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by skywaykate, May 3, 2012.

  1. skywaykate

    skywaykate Gold

    Thank for the encouragement, Ealachan and indigogirl!! I am picking back up. I finally feel a little better today but I think I just need some extra sleep. Been at my SIL's helping with her kids this week because her hubs had to go back to work. So I have to get going in the morning, bring stuff for lunch to make for me and for the kids, plus dinner to prep/cook while I'm there to be ready when we get home. It's about an hour each way, plus extra to drop my hubs off at work and picking him up in the evening. I'm glad my girls get to hang out with their cousins, who are 3 yo twins (boy and girl) and 6 yo boy.

    I had an inadvertent expirement yesterday. In the afternoon I had a bad headache and was just wiped. I left earlier than normal and had my girls sleep in the car for their nap. On the ride home and then after dinner, I chowed on cinnamon and chocolate rice chex. I couldn't figure out wherre the compulsion came from, it was kind of a disaster, but later in the evening, I realized I had no added fat yesterday...HB eggs and sausage for breakfast, but neither had any added fat, and I didn't get around to making my coffee (which I usually put CO in) because the night before had been so rough I had tried to get a little extra sleep I ended up with 30 min to get ready. I had some leftover ground beef burgers, maybe 5-6 oz plus some salad. Although on the way out to my SIL's I snacked on some manna, I normally melt CO in it, but I had been just eating it straight out of the jar in the car. I had a little junk in the afternoon of my coconut junk (so with the CO), and dinner was a porkchop, salad and cabbage slaw (good flavor...lime, mint and cilantro!), cooked in some EVOO, but not much. So I had had significantly less fat and that's why I wasn't satiated and ate the cereal. Fixed that, back on track today, already had my coffee and used CO with my breakfast ground sausage and eggs.
  2. skywaykate

    skywaykate Gold

    Thank for the suggestions, Krusing!! I do need to stock up on seafood and figure out how to cook it well...I think I end up distracted by my life and don't want it undercooked so it ends up a little tough. I need to come up with that list of things I can have to obsess about. My BAB is usually good, and with some CO in my coffee I am usually good. But I need to figure out how much protein I'm having, I haven't done the math with some of the stuff I eat. I do have tuna at lunch, that's cheap and easy.

    I need to remember what grains and sugar do to me, thank you. I have a sense but need to keep that in the front of my brain. Thank you, again, for your storpping by and your ideas, I appreciate it very, very much!!
  3. skywaykate

    skywaykate Gold

    Stepping up my reset as of today. Was pretty loosey-goosey this week, ate basically Paleo but I didn't follow the no snacking rule much at all. I also had a boatload of ice cream last night, which is giving me stomach crampiness this morning. But I knew going in it's going to pretty much be the last ice cream I have for a long time, I need to tighten things up in general, and move toward the AIP. I've always had a suspicion of leaky gut and although I've never confirmed it in many of the ways people talk about, I do have gluten intolerance in my saliva test (negative on the blood test) and my hope is that by clearing things up for a while, I'll heal it so I can go back to eating that stuff at least occasionally (not grains, but eggs, tomatoes, etc.).

    The hardest is going to be the eggs because I eat copious amounts of eggs, and have for many years. Tomatoes will be the second because who doesn't love tomatoes in and on things, or tomato sauce on your meat?? Yeah, just have to find alternatives and continue wrapping my brain around this.

    Another thing is that I think my tiredness is related to my insulin spikes. When I eat things that spike my insulin, I get tired, a little right away, a lot over the course of the next day or two. This is just a hypothesis I'm working on.

    I also am going to work hard on getting my meal at least started within 30 min of waking, I did 40 today, which is a 50% improvement from my usual 90 or so min. The sun isn't over the building next to ours so I can't sit in it yet. There's a thread that has really helped me to understand things on a deeper-into-my-brain level, "Obesity is a disease of inflammation and hormonal disruption of hormone signaling." So that's a major reason why I'm digging into the reset deeper.

    We are going to my parents for the next 9 days, leaving in a bit. We're not going to leave as early as we had wanted because hubs has to go back into work to tie up some loose ends and I've got to finish cleaning and packing. We were both too tired last night to do so.

    Breakfast was 6+ oz ground pork breakfast sausage plus 3+ eggs. I made a pan of 10+ oz and 6 eggs and had 2/3rds of it, left the rest for hubs. The bad thing about eating before the kids get up is that they're not eating off my plate and less likely to get good protein as a result. Need to figure that out, also, though I suppose most days I'm not up before them, they are my alarm clock.

    Off to make some coffee and keep cracking on this getting ready to leave business.
  4. skywaykate

    skywaykate Gold

    I need help. I need advice. I am scared, of myself. I contemplated my own SOS thread last night but I was just trying to resist the suicidal thoughts and the self-hatred and the desire to binge on SOMETHING (preferably ice cream, since gf cookies aren't as good as oreo cookies...but **** it if I'm going to binge, who cares if it's gf??? or even just cheap cheese from a regular grocery store). Although a lot of it has subsided, I feel it all still brewing right below the surface and I'm scared. I am going out with girlfriends for dinner and feel strong urges to drink heavily, at least for a bit until I force myself to sober up to get back home. And spend money with little regard. It feels so free to spend money without regard, until you're shackled later by lack of it.

    I'm not actually suicidal, I won't act on it. I still can hold on to knowing I don't want to do that to my girls. They really have saved me, because they keep me from seriously considering it, and I know I don't want to pass my food issues on to them, so I went through an eating disorder program (well, part of it, I couldn't get to the extra stuff outside of therapy and the dietician because I didn't have child care) for compulsive overeating. I think it was the fear of God that kept me from purging in my life, but I had a high ratio of girlfriends, from different parts of my life, that struggled with eating disorders.

    But the thoughts and self-hatred--something I haven't felt in a very long time to this degree and honestly thought I was moving away from all together--still rage. I feel so unworthy of breath, I can't believe how lucky I am to have a wonderful daughter in my arms while I type this (split the computer screen, she gets to watch Curious George, lol, and she was the one who climbed into my arms, I didn't suggest it). I know I've let my husband down so much in my exhaustion and I weigh so ****ing much that I can't be remotely attractive. I'm still 120# more than when I met him. He's occupied with his day job and his attempts to be a writer anyway, he can't be bothered. I asked him for a hug last night just to try and get things a little more bearable. Two nights ago, all I fantasized about was being thin. I thought it might be different because I didn't think, if was thin the rest of my life would fall into place like I did for so many, many years growing up. It would just be magical to be free of my body and it's major problems. For so long when I was young, it was about wanting to be loved, a guy. Somehow I got a great guy and was married at 23. It was 2 weeks after I had finally learned to love myself that I met him.

    I didn't even feel worthy enough to pray. I read some devotions and a few passages to find some relief, which I did. I know it's by the grace of God that I'm still walking the earth (though I can't fathom why) because otherwise I would have ended my life at age 11, during my first major depression. I know it's hard to undo 22 years of struggle in a few weeks, but I've been through a ton of therapy, and before yesterday, that really was helpful. Not yesterday. Didn't matter a bit, except that I knew I had to make choices to get out of it instead of continuing to wallow in the deepest depths, scaring myself.

    I didn't meant to be away from here for 2 weeks, at least from my journal, I kinda kept up with other people and the blog posts. I did well on vacation, overall, and had incredible energy...the highlight was on 5.5 hours of sleep after a night of going out (and a day in the sun at a kiddie amusement park), I was functional all day and not dying for a nap, but took one for an hour so that I could be up late at another party. But I had 2.5 mai tais in an hour and a half before that short night of sleep (and I sure can't hold my alcohol like I used to!), and then went out for a full mexican meal at 1 am. Earlier in the day, I had nuts even though I have been trying to give them up and move towards AIP. I ate a boatload and a half of popcorn and 8 marshmallows at the party Saturday, I was loosing control. I had a small Starbucks and a medium later in the day on both Friday and Saturday. On Saturday, I chose the Starbucks over custard ice cream because I wanted to resist. (It probably would have been a better choice because at least it had fat in it, but I was emotional after seeing my grandma treat my aunt crappy and then turn around treat me like you would expect someone to act during my visit, but yet it not be good enough, that I didn't bring the girls with me to visit, that I could only really stay an hour, etc.) I had a small custard ice cream on my way home from vacation, and then consumed another 3/4 of a quart when we got home, around 9 pm. I had some non-wheat grains this week, sort of lasts before I give them up for a long while. Rice crackers, some GF pancakes from a mix, etc.. Loosey goosey on snacking. I was really tightening things back up yesterday but then I ended up going for a 1+ mile walk with a daughter (well, on the way there we went as a family but one didn't want to stay so hubs took her home), with a stop in between for an overrun with kids park. Normally not a problem, but these are somewhat neglected kids who ask a lot out of any adult that shows interest. And I ended up walking home with her on my shoulders so we could get home before the sun rose again, she was taking her good sweet time walking and stopping and lollygagging. But I think the kick in the balls was that I went in these new but dumpy looking shorts, and there were CO stains on my shirt and I had my tennis shoes on. I was looking forward to just watching my girls play on the rocks in a closer park, but we paraded through a very full park, in front of everyone because that was the shortest route and my hubs was leading well ahead of me, people out to watch a band. My raging insecurity came totally flooding back. My legs have been aching for a while. I finally got a 35 min CT in the tub last night. (I did 2 great sessions in 55 and 60 degree water in my girls pool on vacation, at least.)

    Oh yeah, and a check from my 401K wasn't there on Monday when we got home as expected, for some reason the mail sent it back but no one can tell me the problem. So I have to wait longer. I am using some to get me some supplements and some on my business, and the rest is being stashed so we can move this year. And I'm out of my armour because I was taking 3+3 per day but the doc (the super lame 2nd endo I saw, not the original doc who upped my dose in Dec) wrote it for 3+2, and the pharmacy I have to use is totally lame and had to fight with them and it takes 24-72 hours to get an insurance exception. I found a few I had stashed in an unused purse and had 3 yesterday and 4 today.

    And I really felt like I was on a good path. I was working on cleaning things up in my diet, I'm meeting my girlfriends to, among other things, talk through my next steps on my business plan that I'm moving forward on. But one invited her coworker and her coworker's friend along, and I am scared because I feel so broken and insecure and don't want to be around people where I have to put up a front and pretend to be ok. I didn't write out my plan like I promised I would before meeting tonight, one girlfriend has volunteered to help keep me accountable. I got overwhelmed by cleaning our apartment this week. I am back again after a decent day yesterday.

    I am planning on posting my labs (from November thru April, what I have) to get feedback but I need to shower and get the dishes done before hubs comes home, especially if I am going to get anything down out of my head onto paper before I meet with my girlfriends and try and be reasonable about deciding in advance about how much I'm going to drink tonight and what I'm going to eat.

  5. Souldanzer

    Souldanzer Banned

    I'm listening........ you sound a bit overwhelmed? How's your evening going?
  6. skywaykate

    skywaykate Gold

    Thank you. It's ok. I talked w my mom and she gave me limits (ones I was considering myself) for going out, and I gave my friend a heads up that I'll be faking it til I make it, in case I don't quite seem like myself.

    I put on my non-waterproof mascara so I hope I don't regret it...motivation to not give in while out in a hoity toity part of the city. ;-)

    I did forget to add earlier that sleep has been really cruddy this week bc my girls have been waking up multiple times a night, not their usual modus operandi. Plus I was awake too late and/or up in the middle of the night for a few hours, which isn't like me either.

    Time to meet them. Thank you for responding!

    sent from my phone while wrangling at least 1 toddler...expect typos, smile when you see them...the toddlers or the typos
  7. Souldanzer

    Souldanzer Banned

    You sound a bit better..... fake it til you make it can be a good choice sometimes. Opposite action! Feel like crap - put on a smile. It works b/c your brain responds to the messages sent from your facial muscles.... cool thing. Crappy sleep never helps!

    Enjoy your evening with your friends :) I'm going to go see a movie tonight. Friend's picking me up soon.
  8. chocolate

    chocolate Silver

    Skyway, when I was raising kids, my husband would have been more helpful if I knocked him out with a frying pan. We survived and even flourished, somehow. My kids were close together in age as well. This will work very much to your advantage soon. The meds stuff is so upsetting. I had a nerve pill... not prozac, but something after months of no sleep form an auto accident... i can't remember.... and went off it. I was heading to my car in the desert... (rough first year)... lots of snakes and wild stories about how deadly this particular one was... I screamed so loud when I stepped over a snake in my bare legs and sandals that my neighbor came running with a gun...literally. That medicine will mess with you. If you brainstorm your business plan.... then have your friends brainstorm with you.... you can organize it at home... you just need ideas and thoughts... you know how to fill in the blanks... We've all had open book tests.
  9. ealachan

    ealachan New Member

    Oh, sweetie. I've worn the self-hatred shoes for years and know them well, believe me. It was a dog that saved my life rather than kids...but either way, I was right there on the doorstep myself and I totally get it. Just because you have something broken somewhere inside doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you unworthy of love and respect (from yourself and from others), and it certainly doesn't make you unworthy of your God's love.

    Hang in there, girl. Fight the good fight, and when you feel like you're not up for fighting, don't be afraid to reach out and let someone know that you're tired and hurting and need support.
  10. skywaykate

    skywaykate Gold

    Aack, I signed up for the webinar but where do I go to get into it????
  11. skywaykate

    skywaykate Gold

    So bummed I'm missing the webinar. F*ing pissed really. I'm desperate for help and trying to get it and not doing well when I reach roadblocks. Somehow I missed something somewhere. I didn't get the link, I did set up my account it would appear, but I'm still missing something...left a message on the Webinar 101 thread, a post on Jack's FB about the webinar, a Tweet, attempted to contact the marketing monkeys but their box is full. Sent an email a few minutes ago to support@.

    I'm going to go cry. I NEED this info so bad and wanted to be there to ask questions if I had any and see how the live webinar works. This is probably a one shot deal for me at this point because I got a small amount of money, the last of it, from my retirement fund so I could spend a little on supplements and decided to get the best help possible for my health in this area, to give me a fighting chance when working with doctors to fix what is broken...so my screwed up hormones are making this totally worse for me!!
  12. skywaykate

    skywaykate Gold

    I'm in, and have been for a few thanks to the support email! Yay!!
  13. skywaykate

    skywaykate Gold

    I won! I won! I won, I won, I won! This is the kick in the butt/insights I need...some kind Klub member donated their 30 min session and I won! It will be tomorrow sometime. Just need to pull my testing and history together. Sooo excited!
  14. vkiernan

    vkiernan Silver

    Congrats and good luck!
  15. freesia

    freesia Old Member

    Just saw this.....Congrats to YOU! Yay :))))
  16. skywaykate

    skywaykate Gold

    thank you!!!!!! :)
  17. skywaykate

    skywaykate Gold

    THANK YOU, to you too!!!!!! :)
  18. LinD

    LinD New Member

    Congrats and wishing you the best with help from the best.
  19. Souldanzer

    Souldanzer Banned

    You so deserve this! Reap all the benefits from it you possibly can!!!
  20. ealachan

    ealachan New Member

    SWEET! I'm jealous! :)

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