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Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by indigogirl, May 24, 2012.

  1. indigogirl

    indigogirl Silver

    I'm really nervous about starting this b/c it means I will have to be accountable. My husband has been calling me on this for a long time. Jack Kruse called me on this on his Monster Thread on MDA last summer and I was PISSED, but realized he was right. I can't keep doing this half assed. Well I can.

    I don't want to go through my whole saga right now. But...

    I am a 59 year old female, 5'2", small boned, in menopause, happily married for 32 years, 2 kids...boys...29 and 20, former Kindergarten teacher and taught Early Childhood Ed at a community college...mostly a stay at home Mom.

    Thin, fit, healthy until my mid-late 30's when we moved and I felt isolated and unhappy and started emotional eating.

    Should say I was always insecure...poor self image...perfect set up for emotional overeating. To make a long story short I have yo-yoed up and down since my late 30's lost 45 lbs about 3X and gained it all back + more. Have been interested in health and nutrition since my 20's. I know WHAT I should be doing but don't always walk the talk.

    So now I am probably 195 lbs...haven't gotten on a scale in a few days. I was down to 185 2 weeks ago. Not good.

    This is what I will do: begin LR. No eggs, dairy or coffee. Tested allergic to eggs and casein and I have Hashimotos. I am fairly certain coffee/cream/stevia triggers me to want sweets. Coffee is not worth drinking without cream.

    I will go to gym 3x a week and leisurely ride the stationary bike or do the sitting step machine (forgot the name) for 20 minutes + do my leg strenghtening exercises (knee surgery last fall for a torn meniscus and I have arthritis in that knee)+

    stretch. I will do CT at least 3x a week. I like my CT baths...I find them very relaxing. I've been cheating with my eating so much that I haven't done CT consistently...what's the point if I'm eating sugar? I will use EFT as a means to not eat junk and stay on track.

    Once I hit submit this is real.
  2. Souldanzer

    Souldanzer Banned

    I have come to believe that emotional overeating doesn't really exist. You overeat b/c there is something wrong with the messaging in your brain and gut. I'd pay more attention to the fact that there was an obvious stressor happening right before the problem started, physically as well as emotionally, both will elevate your cortisol.

    I don't think we overeat b/c we have emotions. We overeat when we have emotions that cause us chronic stress which elevates cortisol which will throw off other things in your brain (like leptin) which will then brake the metabolic thermostat. So you actually aren't overeating. You eat as much as your brain and gut are telling you to eat. It's just that they aren't functioning at balancing energy intake any longer.

    Just my $0.02. Not sure I made sense here but it makes sense in my head ;)
  3. indigogirl

    indigogirl Silver

    Interesting Souldanzer...I will have to think about this more.
  4. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Indigo First step is stepping up and being accountable. Im clapping for you and very proud of you.
  5. indigogirl

    indigogirl Silver

    Thanks, Jack.
  6. indigogirl

    indigogirl Silver

    So last night starting this journey kept me accountable. I wanted some peanut butter after dinner and didn't b/c I knew I'd have to fess up...now on another day this wouldn't necessarily stop me from having it...just saying.

    Don't feel well today. My stomach has been off since Wednesday. At first I thought it was because I made mayo with olive oil and raw eggs on Wednesday to,go,with some salmon patties...thought it was the raw eggs. Threw out the mayo yesterday. Stomach still queasy today...I feel off, feel like I have slight fever but don't . Wanted to CT today but didn't because of the way I'm feeling.

    Oh, and I think I've given myself a little yeast infection from the sugar I had been eating. I need to up the probiotics and start some oregano oil extract.

    Food today:

    Breakfast: left over "porktastic" meatloaf from Nom Nom Paleo +3 strips of bacon

    Lunch: 2 chicken wings and a chicken leg and some kimchi

    green tea with stevia all day

    Dinner: think we will go to a Mexican restaurant...they have a delicious soup made with a meat broth with strips of beef, and tons of cilantro and sliced radishes
  7. Souldanzer

    Souldanzer Banned

    I just plain don't understand that part at all. "stepping up, being accountable (which I looked up means being liable, responsible, blameworthy), and having to fess up" - it just all has to do with blaming the person for me and is creating shame. Feeling shame about my behavior that I had no control over never helped anything except for making me feel very, very stressed about having failed again. It really made things entirely worse.

    Once I stopped blaming myself and just accepted that this is the way my brain functions, I was able to look for tools to help me change exactly that. The BAB was one of those. And the reality is that being accountable never stopped me from doing anything. But it certainly created negative feelings (stress) around the entire behavior. I had enough negative feelings, I didn't need to add to those. Finding compassion within myself and from the people around me helped much more than having to fess up.

    I know you also stepped up to your family to become accountable but in my world that was more manifesting a thought/idea to help create it in your life down the road. One can do just that in many other ways. And one can celebrate the good days and pay attention to those (what you pay attention to grows) instead of the not-so-good ones. I'd really like to know your reasoning for why being accountable for (disordered) eating might be a desirable thing, considering you proved to yourself that it is a disease of inflammation and not something we have conscious control over (unless we are given the appropriate tools).

    Sorry, got one of my buttons pushed here :eek: Good thing you never suggested this to me b/c I would have gotten very, very angry ;) I guess maybe I'm just different and broken way beyond anybody else in this area. I certainly wasn't able to take responsibility for my eating behavior and I have wished many times *someone* would have just already recognized this and saved me from myself many years ago. Never happened, and now I get to deal with the mess I am in.
  8. indigogirl

    indigogirl Silver


    There is shaming involved in being accountable...for me, too, and apparently you.

    Unfortunately I have always been able to do things more easily for other people than for myself. I quit smoking a pack and a half a day at 25 b/c I knew I was going to start trying to get pregnant in a few years and wanted to be as healthy as I could be. This was the 3rd or 4th time I quit smoking and the final time.

    I guess I don't completely buy or understand the brain inflammation part of this. I still think I have control over my thinking and should be able to stop this and I don't CHOOSE to stop this. I choose to cheat/eat junk when I intellectually know what it does to me. Maybe I like feeling high from the sugar and anesthetized from the crap and like the drama I constantly create by keeping this cycle going.

    I've looked for gurus to save me from myself over the years and it's never worked. So I've come out of that thinking my lesson is no one can save me from myself, only I can.

    I have made myself accountable to my husband many times. He doesn't really believe it anymore. I feel badly about this b/c he always has hope that the next best thing is going to work for me but it hasn't. He sometimes feels like he's living with an alcoholic and hates seeing me do this to myself.

    I haven't abandoned Kruse or Paleo. I have been doing this for about a year even tho' I keep cheating.

    Last night my 20 yr old son told me that he and our other son (29) were talking about my health and they were discussing the fact that if a DR told me I had a horrible disease I would lose all the weight in a second. They talked about convincing a Dr. to tell me that I have some dread disease because then I would be motivated to lose the weight, but were concerned that if I found out what they had done I would put the weight back on in anger. LOVING AND VERY SAD.

    I've always wanted to just take a pill and lose all the weight.

    This is hard work.:)

    I like the fact that you honestly wrote to me about how you felt. Please continue!

  9. I agree w soul on this one. I think an eating disorder is a different beast as far as how one is able to manage it. I too lost many years feeling horrid at my failures to just push away from the table so to speak. Even after rigging ways to lose weight - it didn't touch the underlying problem.

    The paradigm shift came with the realization that the eating and weight was a symptom, not a cause.

    I think all of this does play into repairing disorders like ED or addictions - but its simply not a toggle switch. Curing a sugar addiction doesnt stop an alcoholic - it may help, but its not a magic bullet. I think humans must have a need to focus in on "a fix", when the isolation of fixes got many of us into this mess in the first place.
  10. Souldanzer

    Souldanzer Banned

    Ha, you asked for it :D I understand I'm sort of an extreme case in terms of disordered eating and not all of my experience necessarily applies to people with less extreme problems with eating. I support you in doing what you feel is right for you :)
  11. johnnyb

    johnnyb Gold

    I think one needs to be careful about what one holds themselves accontable for. Beating myself up for a binge seems a poor stategy while asking myself if I am doing things that will correct the causes of the bingeing seems worth while.
  12. indigogirl

    indigogirl Silver

    Beating oneself up for a binge is a poor strategy, Johnny! I'm not always rational about my overeating and I have gotten much better at not beating myself up.

    Souldanzer, I am still in pain about my overeating and weight.

    Cavemam, did you have a problem with disordered eating? If so, what has helped you? I wish there was a toggle button to turn it off!

    Breakfast: iced green tea with stevia, 2 hamburger patties, 4 strips of bacon

    Lunch: tequila lime spiced shrimp from WF, pickled okra, piece of homemade chocolate (large piece!); chocolate= melted organic 72% dark chocolate, 1 large T coconut manna, a little vanilla, unsweetened shredded coconut...mix and freeze until hard.
  13. chocolate

    chocolate Silver

    I am more convinced than ever about the brain inflammation. The stupid yeast lives in your brain too. I was reading that biotin disturbs the yeast proliferation, so, maybe, you/we could start tricking it into not growing. Those ammonia headaches that go away if you eat something sweet need to be diluted away with water and something else. IMO
  14. skywaykate

    skywaykate Gold

    I never have fully comprehended--and therefore stopped--beating myself up for poor choices, food or stupid things I've said or did, but I am working on it. But yes, it *is* a poor strategy. I think there's a difference between accountability and responsibilty...accountability keeps you on the path of responsibility when you want to veer off of it, an extra guide rail. I think there can be a good place for it in recovering from disordered eating because you're learning new ways of doing things that aren't always easy--this world isn't perfect, so there may be times of ease and there will be tough times. I think the thing is to take it a step further as you are on this journey, and examine why you wanted to do something (eg eat the peanut butter) so that you can address the root cause with more energy/direction.

    I do have to say that souldanzer's thought about it not being something you could control because of all of the physical factors like brain inflamation is a huge weight off my shoulders. It gets me out of that cycle of abusing myself to cope, of blaming me for lack of self control. Wow, cool. Too bad the world has so far to catch up to that thinking, but at least we can do it for ourselves.

    If it's any consolation (it is to me), wheat has a protein in it that crosses the blood-brain barrier and acts like an opiod on the brain. So trying to make choices that get us out of the cycle of inflamation and addiction and disordered eating is that much harder when you're being told it's ok to eat whole grains. Another fact to keep in mind: a slice of whole wheat bread raises your insulin level higher than a Snickers bar.

    As you probably gathered, I'm finding my way out of disordered eating, too. I dont have it as bad as some people, but compulsive overeating is definitely been a struggle. Finding your path back to true health isn't always a straight path, and that's where I think the accountability can come in, as long as you don't use it to beat up on yourself either way, just to guide yourself further on the correct path, the path of responsibility to yourself.

    I understand about disappointing your spouse with promises. And most recently, I generally stopped making promises all together and to him it looked like I had given up on many of the basics in life (a reasonably clean house, for one), but I was lacking energy beyond the understanding of someone who has never struggled w an eating disorder, or depression on a longer term basis, or his weight, or the ability to say no to dessert--because I never had a diagnosis, much less of something serious like it felt, it wasn't legit in his mind. You will change in good ways and that will restore your husband's faith. My husband is hopeful again for us, though he has to heal too because he is walking alongside me on my own path, by virtue of being committed to our marriage (thankfully!).

    I can't imaging the love and the pain your children's conversation held for you. I think it can be another guidepost as you journey on your path, to think about continuing to make positive changes that reduce imflamation when the change over is happening. They obviously love you dearly, and care deeply, and understand this is a struggle but they also know that you are stuck, unable to see the forest through the trees, because a major illness would give you that perspective. Children can be a wonderful motivator in our lives. I started getting help through an eating disorder treatment program when my twin girls were born, because I knew it was a challenge from God to get over it, for myself, so I can be a better mother, and so that I don't pass my issues on to them, and can equip them if they do struggle as I have.

    Although I've been far from perfect on my 25 days on the LR, it's definitely been a huge help for reducing the perceived need to eat disordered-ly. And I know that continuing to "tighten up" my food and adding the supplements and the orange glasses, etc will all help me succeed more and more and get to that place where disordered eating was really a thing of the past, because I've been on the path of responsibility for so long, it's second nature. Doesn't mean we won't have it whispering in our ear or tempting us, but it *will* get easier.

    I'm looking forward to journeying with you. Let's do it!!

    sent from my phone while wrangling at least 1 toddler...expect typos, smile when you see them...the toddlers or the typos
  15. youthfuliz

    youthfuliz New Member

    I'm a big fan of journaling - but I record the good things only. :eek: I don't stress over the imperfections since we all have those. Instead I write down what I have done right, the improvements of my overall wellbeing, the good feeling during and after CT, how silky smooth my skin has become, etc, basically all the positive things that make me more confident and self-assured that I'm on the right path. Positive reinforcement, in my opinion, is a lot more effective, and a lof more enjoyable, than self-critique. Isn't it the same with raising children? You praise them when they improve, rather than nagging them when they fall short. Love and nurture yourself the same way. :)
  16. youthfuliz

    youthfuliz New Member

    For example, next time you want to eat something "off plan", you can come here and write "I had a craving for ... but I won't eat it, instead I'll ... (sleep early/aks my hubby for a massage/take a walk outside/do ct... whatever helps)." Then the next day you can come and praise yourself for winning the battle. :) Basically the good feeling from food can be generated by other behaviors... such as exercise, rest, massage, hugging, etc. Find a healthy replacement and pamper yourself without negative consequences.
  17. indigogirl

    indigogirl Silver

    Chocolate, I found the biotin article you posted hard to understand. I'll google it and see what I come up with. Are you going to try it?

    Skywaykate, thank you for your thoughts. Sometimes my husband says he just wishes I would accept that I am the way I am and that I am never going to be able to change this crazy relationship with food. But I am unwilling to do that. I haven't always been this way and believe I can change.

    Youthfuliz, most of us would be a lot better off if we treated ourselves as kindly as we treat other people!
  18. youthfuliz

    youthfuliz New Member

    You can start by doing one nice thing to yourself a day! you'll get addicted to it in no time! :D Love your inner self / subconscious soul, it will love you back!

  19. I did. I had insatiable hunger from early childhood. I'm 43 now, and sadly - it was in the last couple of years that I realized it wasn't a willpower issue. For me, an important moment for figuring THAT out was reading Taubes book. I started to look at myself with eyes that saw the eating and weight as a symptom instead of the problem.

    When I turned 30, I worked on the symptom of being fat by getting a bypass. Interestingly enough, most bypass docs don't even know how it works. YES, the tummy is smaller - and that contributes. But as Jack is helping me learn, it's signal changes via vagus nerve that are a MAJOR part of it.

    He even said he could tell the exact time vagus rewired. It was when I started gaining weight again after bypass. I did gain back a lot, and have been working on it ever since with "willpower" and not realizing something ELSE was broken. I was still on the diet/exercise rollercoaster and kicking myself everytime I quit whatever plan and gained back.

    about 11 months ago I went low carb paleo, and that really HELPED - although I still had to use major willpower not to overeat. AND I didn't lose weight. (didn't gain, which was a major step)

    Then it all clicked in a very different way when I combined:

    Leptin RX

    Daily circadian attention (sleep, no lights after dark etc)


    It's not fixed yet, I still seem to feel hunger/cravings/snackyness in a different way - but I feel it changing, and it's 100X easier than it was on past diets.

    It's slow going though, I'm only losing about 2-5 lbds a month, if that. BUT, I feel like I'm healing - and it's so much easier to get back on the wagon so to speak.

    One really different thing I noticed - in past "dieting" I would be planning and looking forward to the next "cheat" like a holiday or trip or some party where I would pause the diet to enjoy something.

    I don't feel like I'm missing out now, and I am not sitting here dreaming of all the foods I can have on XX day. For me, that's amazing.
  20. indigogirl

    indigogirl Silver

    Went out to eat last night with friends. I had a Mediterranean salmon dish...the feta in it was probably not optimal, but all in all on program.

    I did have a dirty martini with blue cheese stuffed olives. That was definitely off program! I like the way I feel...buzzed with one drink but I always feel like I've been poisoned afterwards and think it wasn't worth it.

    BAB: 8 pork sausage links from WF, a hamburger patty, spoonful of guacamole and sauerkraut

    Off to the cheap ice machine to buy some ice.

    CT today: 60F for 40 minutes; still tingly cold about 25 minutes out of bath

    Stomach still bothering me today (Sunday) ...since last Wednesday.

    Lunch: 2 pieces of chicken, pickled okra, piece of homemade chocolate

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