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Searching my true self

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by Verena1028, Oct 5, 2017.

  1. Verena1028

    Verena1028 New Member

    First, its very hard for me to write in english, because I can sometimes not really impress what i actally want to say....

    I am writing this FOR ME , to refelct, to be aware....because this is one of my biggest problems. I cant stop and be calm, I cant go inside and just feel, I stress myself all day long.
    I am so afraid of myself, of my life..... because I have lost my emotions. And if you can t feel you are death, because emotions make you alife.
    The other thing is if you don t feel your emotions they go straigth in to your body, and in every way this makes you very ill.

    I am Verena, 25 from Germany.
    My whole life until now is really horrible, I thougth every single day in the last 15 years that I don t want to life anymore, this makes sth with you, thoughts are energy...your thougts will be your character.. and to chance my thougts is so hard for me... insteadt of going better, I feel like at the end, it cant be more worse, so now I decide to write down, to be aware,
    AND TO CHANCE myself completly, step by step (very little steps, even this so hard for me)
    I want to feel... even if I need to feel then the anger, and sadness, ..of my life.

    I found Jacks website last year in September, I dont know what would be with me, if I hadent found this blog, so I am very thankful, because otherwise my life hadent have any sence to continue. I found here what I really love.

    I love the nature, walking barefoot through the forest, I love doing ct, it was the first summer I went out without sunprotect, on the days I was outside, it felt so amazing! (Some days I am so depressiv, that i cant even go out, even if i know this would help, i still can t)!

    There are other things I also like, If I am not depressiv I love reading, learing, interested in energy astrolgy, love meeting people.... movement and much more (but still i do not know how to overlife any day)

    So, a bit more about my story:
    As a child I had already lots of trouble with my family and was very stressed all the time, because noone loved me, altrough I had some other bad expericences.

    At the age of 9 I got Tinnitus, so since 16 I life with it, and it s still sometimes quiet horrible, but actually in compersion to the other problems its very very small.

    At the age of 11 I stoped eating... struggeld with anorexia til I was 20 years old. At the age of 15 it went into bulimic, I do not know anyone else which were so worse like I was.
    So because of this in my Teens I was forced to be in hospital, pychatrics, more then 20 stays, all in all more then 2 years.
    But this wasent the most worst!
    This is only the very very short version, no one can feel like this felt.

    At the age of 18 I had 27 kg ( 59 pound)and were bad bulimic.
    Then I was forced by the low to stay in a cloesed instituaion, more worse then a prison. I thougt i was in the most worst of whole germany. The doctors, personal and patients there were crazy psychic.
    There, I had not seen any real sunlight for about 9 month, was fixed laying under bluelight for this time, psychic foltert of the personal. I wasent allowed to have anything else only a little clothing. No books, no pen, nothing.... I am serious. Got pills (at least 10 diff. Antidepressiva, sleeping pills, pills for calming) eather, that I wasnt my self, I was a zombie, I lost all my hairs, I had only frog in my head. after the month, i was + 15 kg (32 pounds), but i couldnt walk because my muscles of legs were to week.

    But after this stay nothing was as before. I was so absolutely broken.
    I couldnt sleept.. nightmars, I couldnt walk outside around because I was so afraid that police take me there again. So I tryed to take my life and went to intensive sation. After this I had a place in another hospital, what was very human! But of course they couldnt help my eather. I was still broken, afraid, depressiv, bulimic, anroctic.

    On 23 of septembre in 2012 i had one Moment, which i decidet to stop with anorectic, and i could leave it forever.

    ...........lots to write............

    So I need to solve problems like
    peace with my body ( still 162cm , 62 kg , 137 pound is to much) , because I eat when I dont want to be aware,feel, afraid, alone, no sence..., hungry all the time
    cant sleep (even with lot s of AM sunlight, grounding,ct, absolutely no bluelight , blueblockers in public/shops)
    take sleepingpills since 10 years, also to calm, I tryed to cut for 10 days but I went crazy, I did other more worse things
    leaky gut
    find my emotions back need to be aware
    dont know how to chance environment, lot s of wifi ..
    have no friends , I am all alone since I am 18 (lost any trust in people, have a wall souround me), lost my selfconfindece
    still no work, need one very urgent
    some other hard Problems
    like Inflammation in my right knee since 3 years

    What I am still doing:
    AM Sunglight, walk barefoot trough the forest (at the moment broken foot), do ct 55 F. in my ton , at the sommer I spent night s in a tent, but still not, I try to meditation ( very hard for me)
    very little bluelight even blueblocker in public/Shops
    acupunctur one per week

    I eat lots of raw fish, some grasfed meet, raw yolks, some veggi, sesonal fruit or honey , no grain,diary since 2014, but have still very trouble with food!! Is not my friend. It feels like my body dont want to have food and dont want to digest it. I eat to much times, hunger all the time.... , tryed it with BAB for 6 month, bad result + 8kg
    I have always to much coffeine, dark choclat.
    Supp like Ubiquinol, reservatol, Carnitine, D Ribose, Magnesium, zink, kelp, beef lifer , tumeric,pepper, raw cacao

    I have so much to solve, I dont know where to continue, I am so broken...
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2017
  2. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Verena... :love:
    That is very touching. So much pain.

    Where do you live in Germany? Is it far from me? I live 7 km south of Leck / Nordfriesland....close to the Danish border
  3. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    welcome. With that story you really need to get out of Germany and recover some place inside the tropics until things improve for your colony of mitochondria.
  4. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Hi Verena and welcome......

    I am wondering how you did the leptin RX? what did you eat and when?

    I am doing it now .....and it works wonderfully well except, generally, women do not get weight loss at first.

    I did it at the very beginning and had great success........until lately - I got a little sidetracked.

    You are so right ....baby steps.....
  5. Verena1028

    Verena1028 New Member

    Inger I live in W├╝rzburg, so I think ist far away from you.
    I already read your whole Journal (last year in winter), I really love it. Very touchfoul eather.
  6. Verena1028

    Verena1028 New Member

    Do you really think so? I have honestly absoultely no idea how to go out of Germany (no Money, no Courage). And what about my White Skin? On the aquator People have black Skin, so I thougt it is maybe not optimal?
  7. Verena1028

    Verena1028 New Member

    Thank you Caroline,

    I startet last September,

    At this time I had always (within 30 min of waking) fish like herring, mackerele, wild salmon, grab with nori , kelp, artischocke, tumeric and oninon (about 60 g Protein), in summer I did it also with meat or raw eggs and veggi/berri.
    Always watched the sunrise, and got out at least for some minutes or ct with at sunrise or walked trough forest. But if I have sth in the moring (Food) i always was much much more hungry the whole day and i couldnt stop to eat, but i wanted to go on with BAB, because thaugt this was my only hope..., but my Body dont like Food....in anyway.
    So now I decide to have only some tea, Little Espresso and raw choclat poder in the morning, hope it will work better....
  8. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    are you sure you were having enough protein? sometimes I need much more than 50gr.

    Verena are you measuring the protein content? not the weight? Some people make this mistake. 50 gr of protein is quite lot of food.

    for example .... 3 extra large eggs is about 21gr of protein

    What about music? What kind of music do you like? Music is very healing and calming. Do you sing? dance? what about drumming?

    Have you tried yoga?
  9. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Verena ..... have a look in the cave for a thread called.....sun songs
  10. Verena1028

    Verena1028 New Member

    Thank you Caroline,

    since some time I am really Hearing Music, it help very well.
    I always do some yoga practice every day and hang at my rings, Dance or sing fo rmyself :)

    I had about 300 g (10 oz) of fish or raw Beef , tryed also whey Protein and hemp Protein, because my stomac refuse... , had it with about 40 g of choclat, coffe or tea
    So today I had, as i mentioned only coffe, cacao, tea, now it s 11 am here and i had some choclat.... will have smoked sockey with almondbutter later...

    I will look at the cave thanks
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2017
  11. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Yes I am sure........If you stay there things won't go well. The universe is trying to speak to you but most humans find excuses (money) to ignore her directives. This is why animals migrate. When they sense the light has changed in the environment and is not good for them........they move. Only humans ignore nature because they think they can outsmart nature.
  12. Verena1028

    Verena1028 New Member

    Thank you, this is quiet interesting, animals sense and migrate then, why humans dont sense/ feel it, or have we just relearned/Forget it , or do we not go inside and feel or maybe we are just far to disconnected from nature? Do you think I Need to leave because of Tinitus? or all the other Problems?, and I thougth actually White Skin is made for a lower Quantum Environment and we should stay on a latidute were we are Born?
  13. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    After watching you and reading what you and pbom have posted here you both need to get the hell out of where your at and get inside the tropics yesterday..........
    shiran likes this.
  14. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    it does take courage Verena - no question .....and lots of it.

    You came here and started a journal - you do want an optimal life and only you can make it happen.

    Do you go out every day and be amongst people? It is amazing what life has in store for all of us, but we do have to put ourselves out there and connect with nature and other humans.

    Do you have a dog?

    Never forget - everyone has a story ......make sure you listen.

    Do you know Jack's story? It may not be what you think........
    Brent Patrick likes this.
  15. Verena1028

    Verena1028 New Member

    Thank you, okey I understand, Germany is not good for me (honestly inside I alrady know this, also the peoples energy and modds are not good for me ether ), but I still really do not know how this could work to leave... at the Moment it is not possible but I will think very serious about it. But where exactly should I go? I suppose Close to the equater and sea?
    I am afraid....because I do not now how this should work.
    And I really ask myself, that Germany is actually then no good place to life vor everyone, or does it depend?
  16. Verena1028

    Verena1028 New Member

    Caroline, I have no dog, and I have also very bad Inflammation or Thing like this(no one no) in my right leg, since about 3 years, so sometimes it is not possible for me to walk so much and I cant care about a dog eahter , and it s quiet expensive.

    I do not really come under many People because I am very depressiv and no Motivation to go out.....,even if i love beeing with People,
    in summer it s much better, but winter is very very very hard for me here..

    You are right live can be really amazing, there are lots of mysteri and intresting People and places to meet,...., and you are also right everyone have a his own Story, and sometimes very strange( I know Quantum Energie) how People came to this Quantum Thing here...and many People are dissapointet from healtsystem, doctors and are now trying to fix Problems by himselfs.. in this crazy modern world... .
    I do only know from jack kruse what he talked about in Podcasts.. and what he wrote in his book, so I think very often Need to happen first bad Things to Chance somethings, and if he had been gone trouht this, what the hell would be here with all the People? I think he did so much for many of us...
    ...from the worst situations often happens very amazing Things...
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2017
    caroline likes this.
  17. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    keep going .....baby steps
    Brent Patrick likes this.
  18. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    With every type of destruction in nature comes the seed of renewal. When nature speaks to life, that is rain; when man speaks to life, that is flood! The dose man applies to nature leads to toxicity. In this way, man is akin to a flood for Mother Nature. Many rush pass you, as some will over-flood. Some will drown you, or force you to go their current ways. Some will be cold or hot-tempered, but try to say with the warm ones. Some will come as a raging wave and cause a ripple, or a calm sea, supporting you, quenching your thirst, and flow by your side to where kisses will always stay wet. You can't trust the flood: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
    Phosphene and caroline like this.
  19. WalterNL

    WalterNL New Member

    Probably nobody in densely populated areas is optimal, but some can cope better under the stress of nnEMF and poor sunlight or fake it with drugs and other destructive habits. But everything comes at a cost, there is no way to get around it. Your body (including brain) has taken a beating with your prior illness and it needs a long time to recover in an area where the environment isn't stressful 24/7. You got ill in the environment you are in now, and the chance you will recover in the same environment is very low.

    You need to be in a place with strong UV-light year round, connected to the earth at all times. And given your health history you'll also need to avoid all nnEMF and eat epi-paleo. Yes winter is coming.. a good time to head south for a while.
    caroline likes this.
  20. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    When I first began my journey here - I would go to the ocean and sit in the sand and just watch people - and particularly children They have joy in such simple pleasures .....and I swear - they can see into your soul.
    Verena1028 likes this.

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