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Sean's Optimal Journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by Sean Waters, Jan 24, 2018.

  1. It was another freaky day at the Office for Sean... as the Universe threw some more Connections my way..........

    Their biggest hit, Paranoid... I listened to it when I was 16, I posted it here last week. I loved it because I was feeling all those emotions when I was 16, I'd started to become really paranoid from all the drugs I was taking...... I'd gone from leading an outdoor, athletic life.... to an indoor, drug using life.

    I had a major De-Personalisation event, about 9-10 years ago. I started taking Weed, but it ain't weed, it's fucking laced with all kinds of shit, and the THC is so concentrated... I'd take it home, alone, away from my friends, and my mind would just whirl and spin for hours listening to Music. It was all experience, enhanced pleasure.

    But then, one day........ it all got a bit fucked up, this particular bag was full of "dust" at the bottom. I just poured into the paper and said "fuck it". I think this was a little dusty concontion of THC and take your guess what else... ketamine? mdma? methedrone?

    Either way - I sat watching a movie, Knocked Up with Seth Rogen, and saw shiny glittery curtains fall in front of my eyes. I became severely paranoid, a deep dark tension in my gut that I couldn't release, and panic set in.......... I saw myself from afar, I realised I was a "thing", a person, a collection of "statements" in my brain, what is my brain, am I my brain? who the fuck is my brain? ... who is saying all this shit?

    I must've gone through about 100 questions in a row and it was overwhelming. I thought I'd lost my mind, entirely.

    Eventually, I ate a load of food and it helped a little, got myself to bed and slept it off.

    But I was never the same since.... I spent the next couple of years being scared of my own mind, convinced I was going the way of my Father.... I used to ride to work and I'd be shaking I was trying to hide that inside I'd lost it, and whenever I broached it with anyone I'd get a "that's just weed mate, you'll be fine"... but it didn't feel fine, at all. I felt like I was the only person with this problem, noone else who smoked weed had ever felt this way? WTF have I done?

    This was the beginning of years of Depression, and believing my constant Gut Issues to be because of my Anxiety or Depression. I did feel alone in it all...... Then I heard Paranoid by Black Sabbath.................

    Finished with my woman
    'Cause she couldn't help me with my mind
    People think I'm insane
    Because I am frowning all the time
    All day long I think of things
    But nothing seems to satisfy
    Think I'll lose my mind
    If I don't find something to pacify
    Can you help me occupy my brain?
    Oh yeah
    I need someone to show me
    The things in life that I can't find
    I can't see the things that make true happiness
    I must be blind
    Make a joke and I will sigh
    And you will laugh and I will cry
    Happiness I cannot feel
    And love to me is so unreal
    And so as you hear these words
    Telling you now of my state
    I tell you to enjoy life
    I wish I could but it's too late

    It absolutely nailed it. And I found solace in that song... and it led me to start looking to Music for salvation. I never picked up a Guitar, learning a skill was out of the question for my broken state.

    But pressing play on my iPhone I could manage.

    I never found a "paranoia" genre. But, you definitely hear it throughout Rock and Roll if you look for it.

    Eventually, I came across 3 bands that really lifted me out of a bad-break up and a Suicidal Sunday (see above for E-Fields/ Suicidal Sunday reference lol) after loads of Cocaine and Alcohol one Saturday night.

    That was the first one..... I'd never heard of them, but the song title and picture pulled me in.......... then I began my love affair with Vedder.

    Vedder led me to the next one, Layne Staley....... this particular track, was my highest played song on my iPhone by about 500 plays..... I listened to it everyday in Thailand and Vietnam, surrounded by friends, I was still at times very depressed inbetween all the partying......

    Layne, right there, in that video, is utterly broken, and his voice tells all. That was one of his last gigs before he died. The brooding tones of AIC and his voice was everything I needed at the time........
    5G Canary likes this.
  2. @Inger Yeah - everything was electric to be honest. It really is The Black Sabbath on Sunday's at my house.........

    Measuring with a Cornet. Don't even think it is all that sensitive to E-Fields either, it is an RF meter.

    I've cut the Smoked stuff - totally agree with you. Intuition says No. Belly says No. Taste buds says No.

    Getting hold of good oily, high O3 fish is hard where I'm at. Farmed Salmon or rotten Mackerel or smoked Mackerel?..... Tinned Mackerel I'm using right now, it seems alright actually... probably lots of Metal in it though. I might opt for a Fish4Life (sustainable/ good brand) Tinned Mack/ Sardines, see how that goes.

    My issue is, I need high O3 to replace the DHA I lose at the Office. But, all the options are poor. Like I've said.

    I can get fresh Bass, Cod etc. but it is so pricey - and just simply not enough O3 for my brain.

    Oysters too...... they come dehydrated and fuck all water, or nearly rotten. Same with mussels.

    London was actually so so fucking good for Seafood - one good thing about the place - you could get Fresh, amazing Mackerel and Octopus and Oysters.....
  3. drezy

    drezy Gold

    I'm glad you did the experiment.

    I think it's aggravating when people hear that the one time they turn on a meter and it reads good does not mean they are out of the woods.

    The reason I like the meter you use and the one I bring with me when I spend any significant amount of time in a place is that, though it's far from perfect, you can use it to build a better picture of any environment with continued use.

    That's right. No need to throw the Electro Sensitive baby out with the bathwater. Your perception and thinking seem much clearer now.
  4. Saichi

    Saichi New Member

    If there's no place in your room you can move your bed to and have the meter read less than 1v/m while lying down in sleeping position while holding the meter then I'd go sleep in the backyard instead with a canopy.
    Sean Waters and Sun Disciple like this.
  5. The Meter never drops below 2 or 3 volts, even in the woods (nature), I think that is actually the minimum on the Cornet RF meter. It ain't an E Field meter, is it?

    Besides, parts of the bed are hitting the minimum now, but mostly 5 volts, but I've still got more shit to move outta my room that is reflecting and propagating these E Fields... Since the removal on Sunday, I've had 2 really deep REM sleeps with mad dreams....... and guess what?..... I'm no longer using that Silver Fabric, and my Eczema hasn't flared at all....... That is the first 2 days of Eczema-free Sleep, without Silver Fabric protection, in 2 years.

    After I've removed the rest of the stuff from my room, I'm going to look at Cheap shielding solutions/ options and moving the bed around, as you say - once the room is completely bare.

    But if not..... I'm just going to Embrace the Chaos for 16 (nearly 15) weeks.... I'm like 90% Asymptomatic now, compared to last year in London, I'm high flying........ sleeping in the back yard would be good if there wasn't a proximal Train Track, Floodlights, Neighbours Lights and Dog Shit.
    Phosphene, 5G Canary and drezy like this.
  6. Another thing......... I've really stepped on the Gas with Cold Thermogenesis.....

    Turns out, that little 20 minute dip in the morning before work wasn't below 60°F at all, more like 65°F or higher.

    So, I bought 10 x 1 Litre Plastic Party Cups...... filled them with Water every morning, put them in the Freezer, and waiting til the next morning when they are frozen solid.

    The last 4 days I've got the Water down to 55°F and fuck me there is such a difference.. I did 60 mins Sunday, 50 mins yesterday and 30 mins today....

    I want to get into the routine and now and get prepared for the next 3 months when I'm going to be relying on sub-55°F and Deep CT to replace the lack of UV light.

    I've had some side effects from CT though....... my tongue went red and felt really hot, with a canker sore on the end.... and my left eye goes bloodshot a little on the inside corner....

    But, I've drank a tonne more Icelandic Water and it seems to really, really help.
    Phosphene and 5G Canary like this.
  7. My Best Friend - the one hooked on Cocaine......... he got back in touch with me on Friday, after a 2 week hiatus after the trip to the Lakes......

    Basically, something along the lines of:
    "Everything you said has become apparent. I've lost control, I can't solve this. My environment is the problem, I need to get out... I can't stare at the screen in the Office anymore... I need a plan, I need to get out. Everyone is fucked here"

    It really made laugh, hearing him rant. But, he's still highly toxic.... I met him for food at a restaurant, and it was like he'd woke up to it all.

    So now I'm in this position.......... I've already decided to leave him behind and sever the ties..... but now he's had some to think about it, he's got it, and now he is actually willing to leave and quit his job to go work for a Charity or anything but he wants to leave England to the Jungle.......
    5G Canary likes this.
  8. One thing I've realised this week............ how much people really, really do not like discomfort.
  9. And I really, really do not like it about them.

    If you can't handle going through chaos and discomfort, then I can't handle going through your bullshit.
    Phosphene and KrusinWitchie like this.
  10. He told me he'd been crying at work yesterday. No shame in that. We all have our moments.

    But, as soon as I told him......... you need to embrace discomfort, and get used to it, before you can get out......... he sent some retort of an insult back to me.

    And then I realised......... ohhhhhhh...... you're a 6 foot 3, bodybuilder, acting the tough guy, doing cocaine and having sex every week....... but deep down, you're a little bitch aren't you?

    I've known that for 22 years. But just hit me like a diamond bullet between the eyes yesterday.

    He has a deep aversion to discomfort. He's never embraced his fears. He's always ran away.

    And he wants to moan and moan and cry, but when someone says - actually - you need to step up... he doesn't like it.
    KrusinWitchie likes this.
  11. drezy

    drezy Gold

    That's a new one to me. We just have to watch and not do it too close to bed since it amps us up a bit

    Be careful. I don't know the guy at all but is it possible this is "crabs in a bucket"? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab_mentality

    If it turns out that way you don't want that in your life.

    I've been saving this reference for someone who it might be useful for:

    Straight from the vocalists mouth:
    "That song seems like it's really just kind of like asking a question. Its question is kind of a strange one. It's not just asking, "If I fall down, will you be there for me?", because it's easy to be there for someone when they're down. But it's not always easy to be there for somebody when they're doing good. And that's the question it's asking. It's like, "If I go crazy, will you still call me Superman?" It's asking, "If I'm down, will you still be there for me?" but at the same time, "If I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand?" That's kind of asking, "If I'm doing good, will you be there for me? Will you not be jealous of me?" That's the basic question that song's asking, and maybe throughout the years of singing that song, I might have come up with more meanings for it than it actually might have originally had."
  12. @drezy ... I have a personal and family history of B Vit deficiencies/ Auntie & Great Grandma all have Pernicious Anemia..... or in other words, serious deficiency of Sunlight.

    I think Hot, Red, Sore tongue is a clear indicator of that... Alcohol Friday (Malbec) probably didn't help.... if I'm clearing huge amounts of trash by going Colder and Longer, then my Liver is Methylating more and more... with no UV to program Methionine, I'm probably exhausting my Liver Redox a little..... Drinking lots of good Water has helped, and Sleep did too.
  13. I think I'm going to keep the distance from him...... I don't think he is jealous, he's just really fucking lost and in dire straights.

    I'm going to avoid him. If he wants to get out, he knows the way now and can do it alone. I really don't have the energy to take the weight.
    drezy likes this.
  14. The other thing depleting B Vits...... Folate/ B12 are photoreceptors so obviously nnEMF and Blue Light via Free Retinal........ there's always that.
    drezy likes this.
  15. 5G Canary

    5G Canary Gold

    Loving your journey Sean...and your higher gear! It’s infectious...:whistle:
    Sean Waters likes this.
  16. @5G Canary ... Thank you, loving your support as always...

    Seem to have got over the initial CT deuterium dump or "detox"... I ate half a pound of Liver last night, 4 lamb chops, 2 tins of mackerel, 6 tbsp of Ghee an turmeric/basil/ginger/paprika/parsley as the sauce which is was all fried in.

    Fucking incredible. Then, I lit a big fire for 2 hours and leaned in close and had a Sauna from it... literally dripping with sweat.

    Read a new book I'm reading (Finished IWAV now), called Alone in Berlin (Every man dies alone)

    Got up today - after some dreams about Floods - some Deep REM fucked up dreams.

    Smashed another 35 minutes CT @ 56.8°F.... Today, I noticed I felt warm for the first 12 minutes. Then began the shivering. My sore tongue has gone. Just a little sore throat. Think it is just getting over the hill...... I'm keen to see where I'm at in a month or two from consistent CT. Forget how powerful CT really is until you get back in with commitment.
  17. Used this website below that Jack linked to calculate how much UV Exposure you need to your Hands, Arms and Face to get the required 25 ug (micrograms) of Vitamin D per day.... my calculations were based on 52.4°North Latitude, 150m elevation.


    Very handy for the Office worker, who can only get those bits exposed at lunchtime during Midday.

    To achieve 25 ug Vitamin D
    - Face, hands and arms exposed
    - Overcast (cloudy) @ Midday/ Solar Noon

    Exposure time required, every other day:
    14th Aug = 29 mins
    14th Sep = 53 mins
    14th Oct = 2 hrs 32 mins
    14th Nov = Insufficient (Full day Yields only 4.3 ug)

    LOL ^ that last one really drives home how poor it is up here.

    It is based on complete cloudy days. Which, in England, is probably the most realistic. But some days in Winter it is very clear.

    I wonder, if you got naked - Chest, legs, abs all exposed, you increase the surface exposure up to like 90% from about 25%. You could therefore, seek to gain about 12-15 ug in November.

    It is every other day too. So you can bring those numbers up a lot with good practice.

    Still...... all the more reason to get to Mexico, where it will be an average UV index of 7 in December = equiv. to Peak British Summer Solstice (Clear Day)....... In Costa Rica it doesn't drop below 10......
    KrusinWitchie, drezy and Inger like this.
  18. Inger

    Inger Silver

    living at about the same latitude as you... that is why I get naked all the time outside..lol(all my body is same tanned, every where)
    My vit D is good(at least last timer I measured) without supplements, so it must work :)
    but hell yes, if you work full time, it is quite a commitment to get enough sun! It will not work unless you really use every single moment you can outside...and my work is a lot of waitressing outside on the terrace so it helps for sure too.

    But sure.. the sun more south is totally different... so much more (healing)power........
    KrusinWitchie, Sean Waters and drezy like this.
  19. drezy

    drezy Gold

    At my 29 and some change latitude
    14th Aug = 2 mins

    This site is based on being modestly clothed? I rarely am.
    Inger and Sean Waters like this.
  20. drezy

    drezy Gold

    Your setup and choices continue to seem rock solid and really working for you from what I can tell.
    MITpowered26, Inger and Sean Waters like this.

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