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Quelsen AKA Jonathan D Goins - two e's no o's

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by quelsen, Mar 19, 2012.

  1. quelsen

    quelsen New Member

    "Hello, ladies, look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me, but if he went Ketogenic and bathed in Ice daily while reading by candle light, he could regenerate his Telomeres like he's me. Look down, back up, where are you? You're on a boat with the man your man could regenerate like. What's in your hand, back at me. I have it, it's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now diamonds. Anything is possible when your man Eats Butter and Bacon and stays Frosty in the dark. I'm on a horse.

  2. ealachan

    ealachan New Member

    Forum crush in 3...2...1...BINGO.
  3. Janet NZ

    Janet NZ New Member

    You look AMAZING! I'm showing this to my husband this evening... in the meantime - I'm off to wallow in the cold... :eek:
  4. quelsen

    quelsen New Member

    LOL y'all both know that is NOT me right!!!
  5. ealachan

    ealachan New Member

    I'm well aware, yes.

    Brain > sixpack, at least in my world.
  6. quelsen

    quelsen New Member


    AW Rite!
  7. Shijin13

    Shijin13 Guest


    Love the opening thread... I so need you to kick DH's ass for me and get him into this...(maybe I'll just print out the page and share it w/him) gahhh... I still can't get him in for his 2nd MRI! or his allergy blood work -that I paid out of pocket for! He won't spend his $ but he'll let me spend mine - then effing waste it!

    I think I'm going to take it back and take the girl in for testing w/it...

    FWIW he did go wheat/gluten free for lent - and his back hasn't hurt him... Now if I could just get him to stay off wheat...

  8. +1.....also in my world!
  9. quelsen

    quelsen New Member

    Captains Log:

    Stardate 06450.1136

    Initial entry

    It has been 21 months and 5 days since the miracle. For the first time in my life i was able to remove some excess weight. I began at 506 pounds and was terrified that more weight meant my imminent death, I just knew another 5 pounds were going to kill me. The man showed up on my front step to pick up my roommate for their first date ( they married a year later ) and told me he had removed 70 pounds with HCG and suggested i read pounds and inches. So I did. Given that my own research ended where Dr. Simeons began i needed no further information and purchased Rx Grade HCG. over the next 9 months i removed 150 pounds of weight and felt better than i had in a long long while. Perhaps it was impatience ( one of my more endearing qualities ) Or perhaps it was resistance, no matter what it was HCG ceased to continue to work for me and so i began to tinker again. as my weight began to climb i was able to find Marks Daily Apple and listen to Sugar the Bitter Truth by Dr Lustig. This gave me the permission I needed to switch to a primarily beef based diet. I had begun leaning that way since the blood type diet hit the scene but something inside of me said that i was not following established rules for eating ie i was not being healthy to eat so much red meat. It didn't matter that i felt better, my inner feeling didn't matter as much as my outer perception of reality. So i allowed Conventional Wisdom to dictate to my my health.

    Then i started hearing whispers of this thing called leptin, and the prophet of leptin Dr Jack Kruse. So i started to read the massive leptin thread on MDA. Then I read the quilt. It hurt quite a bit as i began to research the information and began to wonder if my own life experiences had destroyed my very leptin receptors. Something HUGE is wrong with the way my pathways fire because unlike the great majority of obese, my issues are not ones of self control or self abuse, or at least not in the manner of over eating. Opening my CakeHole is the problem not shutting it. However the constant abuse from birth to age 17 may have caused my biology to change in ways i may never understand.

    I have spend considerable amounts of time dreaming about a rock hard body. You know the one that girls swoon over. See when you get a thought stuck in your head it can affect everything you think. I thought that hard and thin equaled success and adoration and money and fame. A second issue i had once i hit my 30 was comparing myself to others my age and wondering why i had not achieved what they had. Esp Lance Armstrong. I am 2 months older than he and he has accomplished more than I have. Yes I see everything as a race, and in my minds eye there are no out of bounds. in my deepest darkest dumbest mind i assume that if someone HAS done it, then the only reason I have not done it is due to laziness and i kick my own ass more thoroughly than my mother ever did. I rarely stop to consider that who you are born as ans what you encounter in life matters. I can put myself through a case of the should that would set your hair on fire at 30 paces.

    While i was reducing on HCG i was ( mostly ) in seventh heaven ( creative license Colleen :p ). It was during that time that i became much more firmly aware of just how intertwined the body and the mind and the emotions really are. However HCG destroyed my ability to practice meditation as i then knew it. Learning that nutrition assisted in neutralizing negative emotions was also a huge discovery.

    Then I read Kruse and began a dialog with him and he suggested Ketogenic diet. As per my usual i began to toe the line and have been ketogenic since Sept 2011. This halted my weight gains. While it has not allowed me to reduce my body weight many other items or benefits have happened and they are too many and to minute in my eyes to remember them all. I continue to hope that one day weight loss will resume and from time to time i flirt wit the idea of using HCG once more.

    When CT was released i jumped in with both feet. Initially i reduced 12 pounds only to follow that up with an 18 pound gain :-( however my strength is up and as a youth i was crazy strong so without a Dexa scan i wont ever know if it is all muscle. My inches have gotten smaller over all so it must be muscle. I want to reach onederland however i am not under the illusion that this is possible, so i hope for one day to be flat and hard no matter the weight.

    I plug on. What else am I going to do? if i haven't given up in 30 years giving up now would just be stupid.

    besides if i did , i wont be able to claim that i wasnt truly possible i will have only given in in defeat. and no mater what i wont go quietly into that sweet night
  10. differentstory

    differentstory New Member

    Great story!!!! How long have you been doing CT? What's your success with it?
  11. quelsen

    quelsen New Member

    Captains Log

    Stardate: 04915.0752

    Bob Dylans words were true when he penned them and they are true today, " the time they are a changin'"

    Nature is a hanging judge

    soon we will find out "who is right. and who is dead."
  12. quelsen

    quelsen New Member

    It is all relative. Pre HCG my diet for 3 years was this.

    Sirloin, Collards, Mozzarella cheese, Ezekiel bread. each day

    one slice of Ezekiel bread with 1 oz of mozzarella

    375 g of sirloin

    2 cup collards

    = 800 Kcals

    I did that so that i could then go for a 800 Kcal walk each day and "force" my body to burn fat....

    it didn't work but i am stubborn and i decided that if my body was going to hold on to weight at 0 total calories it could just frack off. I hated my body so much that i would literally hit it, punch it, whip it. i cried most every day. Fasted for weeks at a time

    HCG was a breeze.

    500 kcals + my own stored fat? come on... that is ( given the fact that i burn about 1.15 pounds daily ) about 4500 Kcal

    then for maintenance to HAVE to eat 4500 kcals or gain weight... the hardest part was figuring out where to get the money from. Eating drove me to bankruptcy... Seriously i went from 150$ a month for food to 800$ and had to file so that i could keep loosing weight. Trust me AMEX can go to hell.

    No hitting, no brutal exercises no walking 5 miles a day for 0 losses... give me HCG any time.
  13. quelsen

    quelsen New Member

    Captains Log Supplemental:

    Quote I found ponder-able:

  14. quelsen

    quelsen New Member

    Captains Log:



    "You proceed from a false assumption..." - Captain Spock

    OK so here is my new rant. Well to be honest it is an old rant. The scarce actual research on the substrate we term "fat" we have all seem the famous five pound blob of fat and we have all become convinced that it is the enemy. I hope some of you who read that have gotten up to speed to question that common belief, however i am going to dive deeper.

    For the past several weeks it has come to my attention time and again that we need to deconstruct and reconstruct our understanding of this topic. I actually have become opposed to using the term FAT at all. I strive to be as clear as possible in all my communications and the term fat is not only overloaded* it is also inherently incorrect.

    What we really know

    I will not touch on everything we know i don't want to spend that kind of time. but we do know that FREE FATTY ACIDS are bound together in differing chains and MAY BE stored in ADIPOSE TISSUE. There are two factors here, the FFA and the Adipose Tissue.

    We know that each individual has a proportion of specialized cells that are designed to contain FFA other cells may hold FFA's however to their detriment. These Adipose cells preform double duty. in addition to storing unused FFA's for later use they are also the only cells in the human body adapted survive under prolonged exposure to toxic waste. and as such any toxins not removed via the waster system in a timely manner will be stored in these specialized cell so that YOU DONT DIE.

    So what do I see as the Myth

    We run around thinking that all we see in the mirror ( or think we see as we wont look ) is either water muscle or fat. YET THE FACT IS that we have a high level of toxins in our bodies. for some of us ( raises hand) who were "gifted" with additional adipose tissue we cruise along through life full of toxins but unharmed otherwise as the cells do their job. Others get some symptom presenting such as Type 2 Diabeties, hypertention, etc.

    What I suspect

    I suspect that nobody is over fat, by strict definition. Yes our adipose cells are full but full of what. Toxins. perhaps fat is an additional buffer to safe the toxins and so we accumulate more fat but when you release the toxins you also reduce Pounds and Inches, and thus Fat.

    I will say it again. I do not believe the Human Organism is capable ( in health) of becoming over fat no matter how you look at it. it is only in disease that the human organism becomes "fat"

    Final words

    Look to your health in terms of eliminating incoming toxins and removing currently stored toxins. it is only after that has been accomplish that you can decide how to "shape" your body and even that will have limits, however that is a topic for another post.

    * by overloaded i am borrowing a CS term. It means more than one definition implied in a single word.
  15. quelsen

    quelsen New Member

    Captains Log:

    Stardate: 05055.0815

    How many times does a person get offered the red pill? Does he even know it when it happens or is the power of the blue pill such that he cannot see the choice he is being offered.

    If you could chose another path would you? or would you chose to return to the ignorance that blinded you to the truth and reality of your existence. Consciousness being what is it do you truly ever have a choice in the matter or would you knowledge betray your evey action to those who truly do not know.

    Is it possible that you have always known the truth and you began taking the blue pill to spare you from the horror of the abyss until you were fully capable of internalizing its truths?

    What would you do with the knowledge and power conferred those who hold sacred truth close and act on it.
  16. quelsen

    quelsen New Member

    Captains Log:


  17. quelsen

    quelsen New Member

    Captains Log

    Stardate: 05135.1256

    Will i ever win?

    Sure i am a winner. I have overcome so much in my life. Enough for 10 people i believe. and yet, very very little of it was a choice I made. The only choice i seem to have made was to survive. That singular decision has caused met to meet and succeed where many many people gave up and lost themselves one way or another. Yet I am still here almost despite my self.

    I know how i would choose to measure success, a straight line from where i am to where i want to be. Yet again it is only on those rare occasions that i do actually achieve success by my own standards and to be honest, i don't put a lot of stock in those things. I get that I should and I can on some days sit in the place of the observer and see the success that i have achieved as good given the circumstances. I guess today isnt that day.

    How can i detach and re-frame my ideals of what my value is when i refuse to release it from the one static vision i laid out as a child. I never wanted to be a large person. However i didn't pick the right parents for that. On some days i feel that I have absorbed every negative comment ever directed at people who are "different" and amplified them a million times over and never let me forget it.

    I seek optimal health so that I can be happy in my skin. So i can live in this world without all the baggage i carry. I wonder if having a "perfect" body would change the way i feel or would i find other reasons for self abuse? I child should be loved by their parents. The farther i go in life the more i wonder if it is ever possible to heal wounds inflicted by those who gave you life.

    Solomon decided at the end that every act we do as humans here on this spinning ball of dirt was meaningless and a waste. I am going to have to disagree with arguably the wisest man to have lived.

    what we do does matter. We do not live in isolation. Negative attitudes and actions cause a spiral of more negative attitudes and actions. We can either GROW THE FUCK UP and behave like we have some sense or we will one day wake to find our spinning ball of dirt so destroyed by our own actions that it no longer supports our kind of life.

    To stand on the wall, holding back the night of mankind's stupidity and ignorance and fear and rage is apparently what i signed up for way before i could walk or talk or see. I would love to assert that i would not have chosen to do so, yet that would be disingenuous. It woudl be a lie as i consistently stand for what is right ( or at least the right i know when i took the action ) when i as fully aware that taking the path of my parents would satisfy me far more. To be just as mean and evil and stupid as they were, to manipulate and scheme and care not one whit for anyone but myself.

    Yet i do not have it in me. If all the world is a stage and we but players, then we each have our part, the good, the evil, the wise, and the foolish.

    I suppose i would not be anyone else but what I am.

  18. quelsen

    quelsen New Member

    Captains Log

    Stardate 05195.1141

    OK I have come to the end of a thought meme and am feeling rather at a loss for the next thing.

    I was big from day one. My parents recorded my weight till age 7 and I gained a pound a month every month to that point. So by my 7th birthday I was 90 pounds according to the baby book. I was the child everyone made fun of, adults as well as children. My size was THE topic for conversation if I was in the room. Head start was bad but as I went to a private school Kindergarten was way worse. By the time I was 10 I had become so aware of my weight that I knew what I weighed and would attempt to fast ( until I got caught ) and was running 2-3 miles a day to try to burn it all off.

    The straw the broke the camel’s back was when I surpassed my older cousin. He was 9 months older than me and we weighted the same at 120 then I went to 125. Our mothers were identical twins and our fathers were first cousins so in my mind I assumed that I should never weigh anymore than he did as I equated us in my own mind.

    That is when I became very very serious about controlling my weight. At the ripe old age of 10. No matter what I did I continuously failed. Looking back it is easy to see that I was obsessed with something I had very little control over however given that I had NO control over the rest of my life I grabbed onto this and held it for all I was worth. Yet all my fasting exercise and determination was no match for my genetic disposition and by the age of 18 I was 310 and miserable

    The next 17 years go by and never for one minute do I stop striving to reduce and study and exercise trying to stop the slide into death and despite all that by the age of 34 I had never stopped the headlong rush. At 421 I started to reevaluate what I knew. I wish I had started earlier but I have been saying that for 30 years so what is new.

    I started studying the available literature on insulin resistance and designed my own food plan and exercise regimen which seemed to work for a while. I would eat 800 kcals a day from a primarily protein source; then each day I would exercise 1200kcals to give myself a caloric deficit. In 2 months I reduced by 40 pounds and I was happy to be making progress. Then it stopped, I had changed nothing and it stopped. I kept on for 4 more months hoping it would get back on track. It never started again.

    At this point I hate my body. It has become the enemy and if I was not evil to it before I began to be evil now. I would fast for weeks. I would exercise until I almost passed out. To my shame I admit that I have resorted to personal violence in my anger at the problem. Fortunately hitting yourself out of frustration doesn’t cause any permanent damage or at least in my case did not.

    Finally I gave up. I just didn’t have the energy to care anymore. Life was just this thing I did you know. Suicide was ever in my thoughts. Then the worst thing in my opinion happened. I saw my MD for a regular checkup. He had been after me for years to do a gastric bypass and I would counter my history with general anesthesia , I don’t wake up well, so I knew that If I go under again I won’t wake up.

    When you go thru anger management you may perform an exercise which lists what actually happened, what you felt about what happened, and the result. That is the only way to process this.

    What happened, the MD increased my Testosterone dosage.

    What was the result; higher blood pressure, calcium leaching; 100 pound weight gain in 90 days

    What I felt about it. I knew he did it to force me to get the bypass. He had no idea what was causing my problems until I really studied hard and found that the Testosterone lists that as a side effect. His reply " Oh yeah I guess that can happen"

    By this point I was just broken totally broken.

    Everything started to change from that point. I started to eat for taste something I never did before. And I found a strange thing. Eating didn’t cause me to gain weight. At the time I was working on site in Tennessee and started hitting the hotel buffet for lunch. No significant weight gain. ?????

    I was challenged by my then girlfriend to see a Naturopath. Her word were “you have studied this so long and so hard you think everyone else is stupid” That jerked me up short it was true. I knew that nobody else had my problem so it was up to me to fix it. I went to her ND and he performed at Neuro-Crainial Restructuring on me I figured what did I have to lose. Things began to change.

    From there I started to visit all sorts of non standard forms of healing, again I figured I had nothing to lose. I spent a week in Cumberland Forge TN in experiential therapy and while I received a huge growth spurt there it was also the end of my dating as the moment I came back she looked at me and said “you have changed... I don’t like it” Nothing had been said yet, but she could see the change and that was that.

    I spent the next 3 years getting spiritual hoping for some solution and in June of 2010 a random stranger walked into my home to pick up my then roommate for a date and told me about HCG. He had removed 70 pounds with it and wanted to share his triumph with me.

    June 16th I started the protocol pounds and inches and today I am 150 pounds lighter. Along the way I have learned even more about nutrition and exercise and Primal.

    In 16 days I will be 40. This is not where I wanted to be at 40, but it is where I am. I am on the path to health but I have always been on the path. I have never quite gotten to where I want to be. This milestone is weighing heavily on me. I feel that time has expired and I have not made it to the finish line. Each day this month hurts more and more.

    I know I need another perspective. I know I need to celebrate what I have accomplished. For the life of me I cannot seem to choose to do that. All I seem willing to do is dwell on my failures.
  19. Shijin13

    Shijin13 Guest


    the difficult journey is the hardest - especially when we choose to face our own internal demons...b/c they are our worst critic...reading this caused me to stand up, climb upon my desk, and pull down old writings.... and this is the one that caught my eye and thought of you...for we've both walked w/our souls

    An so shall we toil in eternity

    striving for all that which we perceive

    as the ultimate goal for purification of the soul.

    And my soul it acts and years as I continue on my

    path of immortality - daring to look within

    and face my demons and angles side by side,

    beauty and ugliness hand in hand

    ~ geb March 1999

    "I do believe you are what you perceive: What is to com is better than what came before" ~ the Velvet Underground
  20. MamaGrok

    MamaGrok New Member

    I knew I would be glad I opened this thread.

    Wise, insightful. As always.

    My husband just turned 40. He has goals he has always had that he hasn't fulfilled. He has traits that he has that I dream of having. I think some of what you're facing is what everyone faces, just with different gifts and different struggles. And some of it is obviously far heavier than others have had to bear.

    I firmly believe that those with the biggest burdens are also given the most grace. That grace can take so many different forms, but there is no doubt that you have a special gift of communication, understanding, and more, that blesses and inspires so many of us here and at MDA. Who you are is formed by what you've carried, but is formed from the tremendous individual that you were born as.

    You are much, much more than your size. I know you know this intellectually, but I can also imagine how difficult it must be to know it with your heart. You are a tremendous gift to us, to me personally, and that is from YOU, not what you look like. I don't even know what you look like, except your head shot - it doesn't matter. You must realize that all that we on the internet are reacting to is what the real "you" is. There is much, much within you that will remain the same no matter whether you gain or lose 200lb.

    You are loved, brother.

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