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Phosphene — She Wants To Do Right

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by Phosphene, Jun 21, 2018.

  1. shah78

    shah78 Gold

    Running away from this " mind fuck circus" is exactly what you need to do. :)
     
    Phosphene and drezy like this.
  2. drezy

    drezy Gold

    To make my position clear, I'm a sensitive and caring male and will support any boobs.
    Ahh, if you lived down here I'd have one for you.

    Shoulda,coulda,woulda...

    I tend toward telling you to study nasturtium. Laying in the sun and then just reaching over and eating a flower. It seems like a Maxfield Parrish painting waiting to happen.
     
    KrusinWitchie, Phosphene and Inger like this.
  3. drezy

    drezy Gold

    I like the visual on that one. Bravo!

    I think my 11º equatorial bound move 20 years ago has accounted for many benefits vs my cohort.
     
    Phosphene likes this.
  4. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Well now I don’t have to write my memoir— ‘mind fuck circus’ sums it up accurately. Talk about good editing.

    I warned y’all I was a train wreck. Hopefully WAS is the operative word. Sad thing is I did most of the wrecking, trying to stuff my polyhedron self into holes of too many normal dimensions.

    I guess the issue is, after all the angst and painful extruding, I’m finally approaching a place where I can possibly enjoy my current dimension, if certain compromises can be made.

    The most urgent of those compromises involves decent stretches of strong winter sun—more than just a week or two.

    Working on it. And I thank everyone for the ongoing advice and ass kicking.

    Finally had a clear sunrise this morning, followed by a few hours of blissful baking. Ahhhhh...

    E99F159C-B5BC-4509-9BD4-E8E0E0B76363.jpeg
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2018
    KrusinWitchie likes this.
  5. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Of course I know now is not the time to rest with 5G hittin the fan, but I’ve been anxious and scheming and running and hiding and packing and unpacking and... ENOUGH!!!

    This house isn’t perfect but it’s mine (ok ours) and we worked damn hard for it. There have been plenty of times I’ve felt awkward and uncomfortable here, but I’ve always, always felt safe, even in the worst of times. The wife of the original builder told me she felt the house and land are blessed, and not in a sanctimonious religious way. I feel it too.

    The 3 nearest towns have populations of 5K, 6k, and 10K and are all 10-15 minutes away. The pop density of my rural ‘village’ is less than 1K and nearest neighbors are 2-3 acres away. No other WiFi signals when ours is off. There IS strong cell signal from a tower .8 mile away, but just that one nearby. The blinking red radio towers 3 miles away I’m still not sure what to make of, but they and the cell tower are blocked by evergreens in the part of the yard where my camper and/or greenhouse haven will be.

    Need to finally get meters.(Hmmm...wonder if my old colleagues at the university science departments would be willing to lend them to me??? They all knew I got a raw deal when forced out...)

    I think we can mitigate the worst of 5G here, and provide a safe retreat for the boys for a few years if need be. In that time hubs will have more experience in a job he loves, and which he will eventually be able to do from anywhere. And retire early if we plan this right.

    Starting to envision it. :glasses:

    However...

    I’m still tired and a little wired, with nearly zero sexy mojo. I feel *relatively* good right now, but still trying to rest and recover from decades of rat race and relationship nonsense that wore me out, literally fried my eyes, skin, brain, bones, soul. Yoga helped, but I was still anxious, depressed, scattered, bitchy, lethargic, dizzy, achy, hypothyroid, anemic, addicted, and desperate. And I just knew the meds the docs wanted to keep trying wouldn’t help.

    Damn that was shitty. :shit: Grist for the mill I guess.

    I am SO much better now I can hardly express, but there’s still far to go.
    I no longer need (or want!) to nap during the day, and, I must repeat—rising happily and naturally for sunrise is simply miraculous. But getting stuff done is still harder than it should be. I have huge scattered lists of things TO DO but somehow Kruse stuff dominates and I feel like there’s still little to show in my retained knowledge, productivity and influence on others.

    **I** know that I’m massively improved but others don’t notice, are tired of my solitude, and wonder when the hell I plan to get off my tanned ass and rejoin the race.

    And I will rejoin the race—just not the one they expect.

    I know there’s something big and meaningful in store for Phosphene 2.0, but damn it’s nice to finally just...BE...in relative peace and quiet...for a little while longer.

    Wow this post is long and rambling. See?

    SO looking forward to Mexico. :love:
     
    KrusinWitchie and Sheddie like this.
  6. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    I’m pretty sure this kid is a genius. (Ok @Sean Waters I know you’re not a kid, but since you’re about half my age that makes you a kid. :D) Has a much better handle on Kruse than me, and some of my same issues. Thankfully for him, not all.

    https://forum.jackkruse.com/index.php?threads/seans-optimal-journal.20757/page-13#post-254055

    This post has what may be a key for me. I’ve been all smug thinking I’m good with leptin since I’m not more than a few pounds overweight and have no trouble restricting myself to an 8 hour eating window (11-7). But after helping hubs reach his employer-mandated weight goal with strict keto, we both slipped off that wagon with all the yummy seasonal carbs available this past month (apples, pears, grapes, chestnuts from the yard, and plenty more locally—squashes, pumpkin, potatoes from my parents, plus some definite splurges like rice and honey. Oh, and beer. What’s October without beer? :oops::rolleyes:)

    In any case, food confession aside, I realized that not only was my diet slipping (and less seafood) but wow, maybe the leptin thing is bigger than I thought and I need to just do the dreaded BAB to keep dopamine going and fix this blasted scalp/ear eczema issue that’s gotten worse.

    I though for sure my drastically changed product usage would help, plus I finally stopped stupidly coloring my hair back in March. No dice.

    So look what I did this morning! I normally avoid Walmart like the stinking pile of dog shit it is, but had to get son a few things on a visit, and look what I found.

    10ED693F-A349-4785-8C7D-92548ECA2C7B.jpeg

    These are just luscious as far as canned fish goes, and only $2.75 for a large can. Just wood smoked herring, black pepper and salt. So nearly 40 grams of protein and 28 of fat went into my pie hole with the sunrise. I know it should be 50 protein but I’m quite stuffed and this is a good start. I’ll add an egg tomorrow.

    Thanks Sean!
     
    Sun Disciple, KrusinWitchie and drezy like this.
  7. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Looked for more of those herring in bulk online and it seems the Walmart price may have been a fluke. That means another trip back there. <<<Grumble cakes>>>

    Sunrise this morning was spectacular, but only briefly before cloud cover.

    3159E468-1AC2-45F4-9C4E-800D881BDFA4.jpeg

    Only stayed out about half an hour, rather wimpily bundled up except for feet, face, neck, upper chest, and forearms/wrists. Must do some good to irradiate the blood so close to the wrist surface, right?

    Was in the mood for pig today so fried up a big hunk of ham in cast iron for breakfast. Hopefully that will carry me through till dinner.

    I admit to wimping out on CT lately too, but that is changing right this minute. Tub is filling as I type, 32 ounces of water, ready to down.
     
    Sheddie likes this.
  8. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    45 minutes of crazy cold well water. Still shivering, and not at all hungry. Getting a little UV 3 while it lasts, but need some clothes—47 degrees and...breezy, to use a euphemism.

    Will a cup of something warm negate the benefits?
     
    drezy likes this.
  9. Jenelle

    Jenelle Evolving

    Mind fuck circus

    Balloon boobs

    Picturing drezy literally supporting any boobs

    Thanks ~ I've missed you guys. :rofl:

    @Phosphene it sounds like you are doing really well.

    No one can see the splendor of the butterfly while it is hard at work in its chrysalis. To the ignorant observer, it may look as though it is resting.
     
    drezy, KrusinWitchie and Phosphene like this.
  10. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Hey, I’ve missed you too! Need a few more smart asses to lighten the mood and prod the flock. For me it’s two steps forward, one back, but I keep marching. This is the most stable and clear-headed I’ve felt in, well, I can’t remember. :rofl: I might have to go all the way back to three glorious years of high school in Florida. Great academics, swim team captain, easy beach access, brainiac boyfriend/math tutor. Only downside was the part-time job at Burger King... Miss those times and can’t help but wonder how different things might be if I’d stayed there.

    Shoulda coulda woulda. It is what it is, and my journey is mine. Done.

    My wits aren’t fully back online yet. I’ve never been one for witty banter, but my friends used to call me funny. I want that back, along with the rest of my mojo.

    Oddly enough, @drezy and I grew up in the same neck of Pennsyltucky. Our high school football teams probably pummeled each other. We are both lucky to be among the few who got out, though it was a decent place to grow up among the snakes, frogs and wood smoke. I’m just glad I cleared the shelves of the Book-Mobile and realized there was a magical world beyond the Jersey Shore.
     
    KrusinWitchie and Jenelle like this.
  11. drezy

    drezy Gold

    For the children... since that's the point.

    Don't go revealing the deluxe trailer in which I grew up.
     
    Phosphene, KrusinWitchie and Jenelle like this.
  12. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    I’ll keep the squirrel fricassee recipe on the lowdown too.
     
    drezy likes this.
  13. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    KrusinWitchie likes this.
  14. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Holy shit! I played this at about 1/3 volume and thought there was something wrong with the video because I couldn’t hear anything different. This is what my tinnitus sounds like most of the time. I had to turn up the volume to finally notice it. :eek::tears:

    Will send this to family/friends who don’t understand what I’m dealing with.



    Found this link through @Total EMFSolutions website.

    Thank you!

    https://www.totalemfsolutions.com/
     
    Paleodocteur and KrusinWitchie like this.
  15. drezy

    drezy Gold

    Copper braid is less potentially stabby
     
    Phosphene likes this.
  16. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    So an innocent search for ‘winter hammock’ took me down another rabbit hole. These guys ain’t screwin around.

    https://survivalschool.us/winter-hammock-camping/

    The other interesting thing is that they (and I’m sure others) offer a 45-day intensive Survival Instructor certification that I could vividly picture gifting to my oldest son, who is graduating a semester early in December. He applied for his first ‘real’ job yesterday at a local water management company, and while I’m certainly thrilled and proud, I was also a bit unsettled. The thought of him jumping right into the matrix is filling me with pangs of anxiety that he will somehow be settling for ‘normal’ too soon. He needs to have at least a few more climbing adventures first, no?

    Am I just projecting my needs and desires onto him? Probably. But still...
     
    caroline likes this.
  17. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    And don’t any of you wise guys suggest that *I* should take the course. :ninja: :rofl:
     
  18. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Just had first listen to November webinar.

    WOW.

    I am just awestruck by the implications. Clinicians need to learn this!!!

    We all need to learn this.
     
  19. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

  20. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Damn, almost got sucked down the Facebook quicksand. Scary. ‘Nuff of that shit.

    Boys came to visit over the weekend. Eldest did a climbing competition on Saturday which I’m thrilled about even if it was indoors. He came in fourth, but thinks there was rampant cheating among the winners. Competitive climbing has a complicated system of scoring that relies heavily on honesty and integrity, qualities which seem to be disappearing as they are less and less immediately rewarded.

    Youngest set up his hammock for me out in the yard. I left out the part about plans to be partially to fully nude in it. What he doesn’t know... :D

    Sunday was gorgeous and I spent most of it in 40-55 degree sun, backside flat against the cooling earth, front soaking up the dwindling UV 2-3. Drastic difference in skin temp between front and back. Is it some kind of Fournier effect, and does this count as CT???

    Leaves finally turning color. Everything is a good 2-3 weeks behind but I’m not complaining.

    841769F3-6644-4CBE-9CEC-EA091980F435.jpeg
     
    caroline likes this.

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