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Phosphene — She Wants To Do Right

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by Phosphene, Jun 21, 2018.

  1. Jenelle

    Jenelle Evolving

    I've been thinking of you and this post. How are things going?

    Congratulations/I'm sorry you're still married? :rofl:
    Phosphene likes this.
  2. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Well, let’s just say I survived. And like most things that I dread, it wasn’t nearly as horrible as anticipated.

    You’d think I’d learn by now.

    Actually, I AM learning. I didn’t let the stress and perceived judgement get to me, and absorbed the fact that I’ve (okay we’ve) born, raised and launched two well-above-average human beings.

    But I did get a huge lesson that food affects my mood (duh). I’ve of course known this abstractly, but have just started really paying attention concretely.

    There is so, so much to say. My internal censor is still diligent, but beginning to fatigue.

    I can sense it needs to all start pouring out, damn the consequences. You are all forewarned.
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2018
  3. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    yep - that's what happened to me....I was always very private and thought I had nothing to say.

    It eventually comes pouring out ......and feels so darn good to let it all go.

    It is incredibly liberating and, really, who cares! .........except the most important person ...YOU!

    Other people may, or may not read .........but it is your story and your journey - let it spill out and darn well damn the consequences!
    Sean Waters, Phosphene and Inger like this.
  4. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Thanks Caroline. Yes I know it’s my story but I’m actually not able to discuss some of it due to a gag order. The rest involves a tale of betrayal as old as time, and some truly awful actions done in desperate states of low dopamine. At least I’m still alive to contemplate telling it. The circumstances were quite unusual, and I couldn’t have made it up if I tried.

    Or maybe they weren’t and I’m just over thinking as usual.

    Nope, they were pretty damn unusual.

    One of the main issues is that even the little I’ve written so far will seem like an ongoing betrayal to my family. I am private to an (unhealthy) extreme, probably due to early judgement and punishment when I did share my unconventional feelings and beliefs. The fact that I’ve been this honest with complete strangers, but not at all with my family will be yet another blow.

    Yes I could just go on here in relative anonymity, but the time has come when I need to start sharing this site with my family if I have any hope of fully implementing the bizarre changes required by the protocols. Up till now I’ve certainly shared many concepts but kept it in the vague ‘respected doctor recommends’ realm. I’ve even brought out the big guns of ‘practicing neurosurgeon recommends’ to add heft to the claims. Of course I’ve been saying this stuff for many years and they’ve seen few if any tangible benefits from any of the previous bizarro.

    One of the kind members here has actually offered to contact my husband and give him the straight facts, in no uncertain terms, about why THIS version of bizarro is the real deal. I may well accept this offer, but it involves blowing my cover and sharing this sanctuary of truth that I’ve enjoyed for so long and that has truly jumpstarted my healing.

    Reasons why I’m still reluctant are for yet another post. :D
  5. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    I don't understand why you find this stuff any kind of Bizarro??? I am finding all this pretty normal stuff.......

    or - have I misunderstood?

    maybe you worry too much about what other think and say?

    I find that most people care are very little actually .....they really only care about themselves.
    Anne V, Phosphene and drezy like this.
  6. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Oh I definitely worry too much about what others think and say... Not as much as I used to—I say ‘fuck it’ (literally and figuratively) a lot more now but the conditioning runs very deep.

    And come on, you know exactly what I mean by bizarro, and so does everyone else. Even for someone neither foreign nor averse to rewilding, this is some strange shit.

    More to say on that but I wanted to preserve the following here. It’s from an intentional community in Scotland called Findhorn that intrigues me except for the fact of...Scotland. Still would like to visit in summer.

    Seek And Find That Peace Which Is Deep Within

    This is indeed the time of the great awakening of humankind. More and more souls are beginning to stir, are beginning to search and wonder about life and the true meaning of it. It is this awakening which is causing great unrest and even chaos, for many are not satisfied with what they see and realize they will have to seek deeper, ever deeper, that they need to do a great deal of changing. The things which they have taken for granted all their lives now have to go and be replaced by something new. This interim period of change is extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant for the new and the old are warring against each other. You will see these changes taking place in individuals, in countries and in nations all over the word. The unrest everywhere can be plainly seen and felt; it is like living on the very edge of a volcano, which is ready to erupt any moment.

    l tell you to seek and find that peace which is deep within, so you are not affected by all this outer chaos and confusion and none of you become drawn into it.
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2018
    Jenelle likes this.
  7. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Spending the weekend at my childhood home. Hard to believe I never deliberately saw the sun rise here, and only a few times accidentally. Fixing that now.

    The pink clouds were mesmerizing. At some point I quit trying to capture them and just enjoyed them.

    My father (and by default my mother) collects antique cars. Nothing too fancy—just a hobby. This is a ‘53 Chevy.

    Inger, Jenelle and drezy like this.
  8. drezy

    drezy New Member


    Now be a good daughter and fix the old man's weathervane so he doesn't have to get up there himself.

    If the weathervane stays like that it'll be the talk of the town during bingo night.
    Phosphene and Jenelle like this.
  9. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    The weathervane has been like that for years, and despite several attempts at fixing it. I’m pretty sure they are resigned to the imperfection. It’s nice to see that as aging progresses they are far less obsessed with appearances. It’s about time. The crookedness reminds me of a quote (probably from this site) that’s been floating round my brain for awhile now:

    "If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable." Seneca

    The wind certainly has blown me every which way. Maybe I should make the weathervane always point due south.

    I should definitely help them fix this frost-heaved birdhouse by the potato patch before next Spring though. Something’s just not right about that. I was hoping maybe they would give up the potatoes this year, but the sprawling and unruly squash/zucchini/pumpkin patch was deleted instead. :(


    The homegrown potatoes are tasty though, and with Irish/German/Ukrainian heritage how can they give this up? They used to grow enough to last through the winter fresh as can be in the root cellar. I’m still confused about why they should not do this, as it was obviously a successful strategy for the ancestors...?

    Edit—Ah wait a minute my brain engaged a bit—it was a successful strategy back before man-made light...
    drezy likes this.
  10. drezy

    drezy New Member

    Oh boy, yeah. You've got to go below the frostline.
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2018
    Phosphene likes this.
  11. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Yeah that was hastily relocated there to make another area easier to mow. My brother and his family moved closer to them a few years ago to help maintain things as they aged, but now he’s falling apart as well—degenerating discs and snapping tendons. Not good.

    On the very bright side, feast your eyes my friends on this magnificent hunk of local, organic heritage pork belly I scored for $4/pound! It does pay to sweet talk at the farmer’s market.

    Now what to do with it? Was picked up Saturday while I was away so have to get moving. It’s almost 8 pounds—cook half and freeze the rest? Must look up the pork belly threads.

    Sheddie likes this.
  12. drezy

    drezy New Member

    Do yo have a preferred cooking style? grill, pan, broil, stew?
  13. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Up for anything but I think direct grilling will be too fatty for my old gas Weber that’s flaring a lot lately. I’ve never actually dealt with this cut before.

    Plus I want to preserve the drippings. Maybe a broiler pan on the grill?
  14. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    I think I posted my very simple recipe in the recipe section.......
    Phosphene likes this.
  15. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Yes I may have to go the simple route with the pork—am having some setbacks atm. My elderly dachshund had a seizure out of the blue yesterday evening and I spent it tending to her. It’s been raining almost nonstop buckets here with serious local flooding. Thankfully we are high and (relatively) dry, but it would have been stupid to brave the roads to get her to an after-hours vet.


    A previous dog had regular seizures (par for the breed supposedly) so we didn’t panic and knew how to keep her comfortable. She’s recovered somewhat today and acting fairly normal, but slow and limping. We think we feel a tumor, and I can sense the end is near. She’s eating/drinking/eliminating and not in pain so we are holding off on the vet. Don’t plan to extend her life through extraordinary measures. When it’s time it’s time. She’s almost literally the third child so this is tough.

    Looking into these products to make her more comfortable though. Anyone have experience?

    drezy likes this.
  16. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Happy to report that my intuition was wrongo and my little girl is still here, enjoying the sun and a taste of my eggs-n-pork belly breakfast. (Though I have zero appetite before about 11am so that’s when I’m eating for now.)

    Going for a hike soon.


    Last edited: Aug 2, 2018
    Sheddie, Sean Waters and Jenelle like this.
  17. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    This figure resonated with me early on here. Anyone have a good 30-60 second elevator speech about the implications that I can start sharing? ‘People are just unrooted plants with feelings’ is cute and helpful but doesn’t quite cut it. Plus I’m not convinced plants don’t have feelings. :D

    Last edited: Aug 2, 2018
    drezy likes this.
  18. drezy

    drezy New Member

    They do here's proof!
    Emma C, Anne V, Elizabeth G and 3 others like this.
  19. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Yeah I hear them whispering sometimes...:whistle::rofl:

    Last edited: Aug 2, 2018
    Billybats and Jenelle like this.
  20. drezy

    drezy New Member

    That's funny. I'm convinced that along with all the miraculousness nature has a hell of a sense of humor too.

    In reference to you question about the picture I think there are several perspectives you can take (like 3 blind men and an elephant).

    • Sure looks like nature keeps and reuses templates/patterns (porphyrin ring in this case) like an old farmer keeps junk in the field to eventually use to retrofit something else
    • With solar light as the prime mover of the whole shebang look at the absorption properties of both molecules

    If those two don't look like they fit like a glove in a tightly efficient system then I'll eat my shorts.

    There's more but that's how I start to look at that picture
    Billybats and Phosphene like this.

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