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Phosphene — She Wants To Do Right

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by Phosphene, Jun 21, 2018.

  1. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Much to unpack in @drezy ‘s insightful post above. Grateful for this community.

    My temperament can range from hippy dip to Eyeore and back again over the course of a few hours. Yoga and meditation help, but I’ve stupidly slacked off of them lately. Family and friends have more or less adapted to the waves, the ones I still interact with at least.

    I have been gravitating more to the critical, pessimistic, fatalistic end of the spectrum, and was called out on it yesterday. My dopamine has taken a deep dive with the lack of sun, and I’ve been having an internal (and external) bitch fest over why I’m still here in Pennsylvania fall/winter gloom when I KNOW I could be feeling so much better further south. Planning the trip to Mexico helps, but it’s so infuriating that I don’t feel able to stay there longer, even though I could liberate a small fraction of “retirement” savings to do it. Living at the ashram showed me how little I really need to happily thrive, how much I value being around likeminded folks, and how much my mood stabilizes around them. My husband is likeminded to some degree, but we are so far apart still on so many issues. More counseling? Financial advisor? God I just don’t know.

    All I know is that I will NOT spend another winter cooped up her sulking. I was hoping that perhaps adapting to CT could make it bearable, but my adaptation isn’t happening fast enough, and the currently short term benefits from my still sporadic CT practices don’t seem to be enough to offset the deep gloom. A bit of panic is setting in that I’ll be turning 50 in a few months somehow still entrenched in these same fucking mental ruts. Samskaras.


    Here is the forecast for the next week. Not horrendous temps, but no sun at all. Ugh. Eyeore is dominating at the moment...

    Ok, maybe I’ll just go back outside for some CT.

    shah78, recoen and KrusinWitchie like this.
  2. JanSz

    JanSz Gold

    Get 5
    160W lizard lights.
    Put them all together, switch it on for 10 hrs/day
    Spend lots of time with them.
    Phosphene likes this.
  3. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Almost forgot my goal of checking out tanning salons for the first time ever. Not ideal, but gotta do something. I will definitely look into the lizard lamps too. Used to have one for the turtles but it burned out. We put them out in real sun for the summer and discovered that they just happily hibernate in their tank for the winter without the extra light.

    Sleep has been sketchy which surely isn’t helping. Waking up multiple times either hot or cold, and rising well before sunrise. Need to get back to meditating then again. Was very bright with this full moon cycle even with cloud cover. I wonder if the skylights in the bedroom aren’t doing me any favors? Can’t open them, unfortunately.

    More CT planned for today.

    23&me is having a sale that ends at noon Pacific time today, so I have a few more hours to convince myself that giving all my data to the matrix won’t be the end of the world.

    Looks like are coming out with a new report covering how medications are metabolized. I intend to avoid meds as much as possible, but this might be helpful for my father, who is on an atrocious mix of heart and psych meds and has struggled with the cocktail all his life.

    KrusinWitchie and recoen like this.
  4. drezy

    drezy New Member

    Obviously you need some pop music @Phosphene

  5. drezy

    drezy New Member

    Oh wait.... you're phosphene so you're going to need b.i.d

    "So don't delay, act now, supplies are running out
    Allow if you're still alive, six to eight years to arrive
    And if you follow, there may be a tomorrow
    But if the offer is shun, you might as well be walkin' on the sun"
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2018
    Meli and Phosphene like this.
  6. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Could only get halfway through that one. Where do you find this stuff???

    Yeah totally jealous of your weather. Rub it in.

    I could be here, but I’m not.


    I have open invitations to go back and stay with either of the two friends with MS I was assisting. Challenging but rewarding job, and the French bulldog was fun. I still believe the Kruse protocols would help them, at least to prevent further deterioration. So many other considerations and responsibilities though...


    At least I can tell her to ditch the pink shirt.

    I’m committed to staying here and tying up my loose ends, one way or another.

    No more running.

    Except for my Mexican reprieve that is!
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2018
  7. Meli

    Meli Silver

    Good tunes Drezy!
    Sending encouragement your way Phosphene!
    Phosphene likes this.
  8. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Had a little chat with my chica @Inna and this came to mind. G’night friends—sweet dreams.

    I want the sun to shine on me
    I want the truth to set me free
    I wish the followers would lead
    With a voice so strong it could knock me to my knees

    Hold on world 'cause you don't know what's coming
    Hold on world 'cause I'm not jumping off
    Hold onto this boy a little longer
    Take another trip around the sun

    If I jumped into the ocean to believe
    If I climbed a mountain would I have to reach?
    Do I even dare to speak? To dream? Believe?
    Give me a voice so strong
    I can question what I have seen

    Hold on world 'cause you don't know what's coming
    Hold on world 'cause I'm not jumping off
    Hold onto this boy a little longer
    Take another trip around the sun

    Around the sun
    Around the sun
    Around the sun
    Let my dreams set me free
    Believe, believe
    Now now now now now now
    caroline likes this.
  9. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Well it’s official—got plane tix and my mom is finalizing the timeshare reservation. Way too big and fancy a joint for me but it’s a gift so can’t complain. Something tells me I will like the simple and hugely optimal week after at Isla much more... I’ve only spoken marginally about possibly staying on, but at least it won’t be a total surprise. Hopefully I can figure a way to stay even longer, but two weeks is a good start. And I’m grateful for it.

    Big time battery drain here with this godforsaken unending cold and cloudy weather. There was a peek of sun right around sunrise today that gifted me this view for all of 5 minutes. I burst into tears and gave thanks to Nature for her healing beauty.

    caroline, recoen and Inger like this.
  10. shah78

    shah78 Gold

    i can predict that the isla week will blow the doors off the expensive week.if you allow it. Vacation vs renewel.
    Phosphene likes this.
  11. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Just a quick update. I’m still here folks, but needed some time away from the forum. Found myself getting quite obsessive with it and spending far too much time with phone in hand since I still (STILL!!!) haven’t gotten an Ethernet connected computer. :oops::eek: (Had an ancient Chromebook that is just about dead.) Getting some financial things in order to change that when I return from Mexico. Finding it hard to prioritize all the expenses.

    Speaking of Mexico, hallelujah it’s coming up! Starting to plan the cenote excursions and think I may contact Senor Cruz...:)

    Much to say, but not ready to get back into the journal yet. Found this gem at a used book store for $5 and it’s been keeping me busy, between hanging out with my awesome (though tech-addicted) sons.


    I also picked up One Hundred Years of Solitude, which somehow I’ve not read yet.

    Looking for some suggestions for inspirational/motivational beach reading for my sons (ages 18 and 21). The older one just graduated college, and younger one just started.

    I am printing and bringing this as well (for me at least). Quite a back story from the ashram which I will someday tell, but want to share the text for now, in case you’re looking for something else to study... :rolleyes:

    Opening passage...

    “Give up all questions except one: ‘Who am I?’ After all, the only fact you are sure of is that you are. The ‘I am’ is certain. The ‘I am this’ is not. Struggle to find out what you are in reality.

    Discover all that you are not -- body, feelings, thoughts, time, space, this or that -- nothing, concrete or abstract, which you perceive can be you. The very act of perceiving shows that you are not what you perceive.”


    Happy New Year!
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2019
    KrusinWitchie likes this.
  12. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Happy New Year! I love that ^^^^^^^ the "I am" is certain.......nothing else is
    Phosphene likes this.
  13. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    PACKING!!! :):):):):):)

    Of course I hate packing so it’s not all smiles, but still.

    Must remember that the goal is to wear as little clothing as possible down there. Why do I have heaps of shit on the bed here??? Deep breath, and purge the piles.
  14. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Have the time of your life and enjoy every single second!
    Phosphene likes this.
  15. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    I LOVE packing!!! Wish I could help lol! Although you just reminded me that I myself also have heaps of clothes to purge.
    Phosphene likes this.
  16. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    First one! :love::love::love::love::love:

    Jenelle, drezy, Inger and 2 others like this.
  17. EileenRussell

    EileenRussell Silver

    Beautiful. Enjoy
  18. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Numero dos!

    Husband is on board with being down here for longer stretches, just a matter of “finances”.

    Yeah, yeah. :rolleyes:

  19. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Never gets old...


    The place I’m currently staying is not exactly optimal, but the sheer beauty of nature makes up for most of it, I think. Rarely in the room.
  20. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Cloudy and showers today. Oh well—still warm and have the beach to myself.


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