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On the Wagon..Off the Wagon...No More...This Time...Optimal!!!

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by PaulaRichards, Mar 24, 2012.

  1. GigiPatata

    GigiPatata New Member

    "The beginning of success" . . . I think I like that too. I don't think I have really understood the extend of my "eating disorder" and broken system, given that never had extreme behaviours other than occasional carb binges. And I'm only just starting to understand (it still hasn't fully sunk in) that it hasn't been due to weakness in character / will power but instead I've been physically / hormonally off kilter.

    Yesterday I was a bit of a struggle during the day and I had a lot of CO. But it worked. Dinner was just chicken and veggies and it wasn't until this morning that I realized that it had been a very low carb day and hadn't even thought about snacking after dinner. Woo Woo! And I feel strangely buoyant today. Very wierd (lol). (Had a CT cold bath yesterday which may have helped.)

    Still resistant to starting a journal but I think it may be time soon . . .
  2. MamaGrok

    MamaGrok New Member

    This was a huge realization for me, and I'm still working the implications of it through all my thought & behavior patterns. I've stopped blaming myself so harshly for what I've done to myself, yes, but have to remember that to keep the problem from recurring, there *are* things I have to do. It's just not the things I thought it was (like "ignore cravings 24/7"). It's the things that keep the cravings silenced.

    It's also eye-opening realizing how many other conditions this is true for, from bulimia to depression.
  3. PaulaRichards

    PaulaRichards New Member

    Today was another good day. Ate BAB, lunch & because of an appt today after work was very late for supper...but the good news it...I wasn't starving!!! I ate & I think today was the first time I wasn't looking for a piece of dark chocolate after supper...progress??!!!
  4. Yes it is progress!! Good for you! It's been a month for you today with no binge!! You are doing awesome :)
  5. PaulaRichards

    PaulaRichards New Member

    Yep. A month without binging, and very happy the cravings are becoming weaker. In fact there are days that I haven't thought about what I *can't* have!

    I'm feeling pretty good & physically "feel" lighter but there is no evidence of that. The scale is hovering around 167-168 lbs and my clothes are not looser. In fact, when I put on dress pants for work my stomach looks bloated. This doesn't usually happen to me unless I eat crap. I hope it's not the CO but I don't think I'm going to change anything right now. I think I'll give it another week or two because this reset is definitely doing the job on the craving & my general sense of well-being is *good*!

    My food intake for BAB & lunch is basically the same everyday.

    According to Fitness Pal my typical breakfast = 64g of protein/91g of fat (1100cal)!!! Not including the BPC!!!

    Supper varies but it's usually steak/chicken with lots of fat (the best part), with or without mushrooms dripping in butter! I love this WOE :)
  6. PaulaRichards

    PaulaRichards New Member

    This is awesome! I didn't battle any cravings last night. That has to be the first Friday night in years that I haven't had to resist cravings. Woke up this morning and it was like I was on auto-pilot, I was barely awake but headed straight to the kitchen to prep a BAB. It was funny, I didn't even feel hungry, but as always, it was darn good!!! BAB=65gr of protein & I'm always hungry later in the day so I think I need this much protein, not to mention the amount of fat! Love it!!!
  7. That is good news!! It is such a relief, isn't it? :) Have a good week-end!!
  8. PaleoCowgirl

    PaleoCowgirl New Member

    Fellow binger here...just wanted to say hi and that I'm rooting for you in your journey! MamaGrok is also a huge inspiration, and I must say, the BAB has helped me to eliminate binges. My last binge was New Year's Eve, and I'm committed to making sure that 2012 is binge-free! And, the best way to do it is with protein and fat...steak, bacon and coconut oil. Yep, I can handle that!
  9. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Binging will go......if you have the power to stick with what I am telling ya.......its all about the brain gut axis. Its not about your mental weakness of weakness of character. Its inflammation and circadian circuitry breakdown
  10. DarleenMB

    DarleenMB Silver

    CO can cause bloating but it eventually goes away as you get used to it. Ask me how I know.

  11. I could almost cry with relief reading this...I have been struggling so bad with bingeing. I know how I am, so "black and white" "good or bad." I hate using these terms to describe eating habits "I was good today" or "bad today". Just leads to guilt and another reason to binge. I have been on the Leptin Reset for 7 weeks. Lately, I seem to be more obsessed with food. I've been really strict, really keto trying to keep my weight down (I had gained 3 pounds). Then I went on vacation with my family and although I made it through the vacation without gaining, all that pushing it down all week, led to this after vacation melt down. The things I binge on are coconut manna, NUTS, and almond butter. If feel like my diet is so strict, and any little deviation leads to weight gain which makes me miserable. I am praying this leptin reset gives me more flexibility. I don't want to go back to eating gluten, but I do want to be able to have some fruit (in season) and sweet potatoes or other more starchy veggies.

    My hormones are all low and I still haven't had TOM since using Hcg last July. I've been on Estradiol for a month and nothing. I also have Hashis and have been taking progenelone to try to get my hormones going. I got triggered by news that a friend is pregnant (I have no children and am 40 and in the last 6 months, all three of my brother's wives gave birth, as well as another friend). I am happy for my friend, but this is her 5th kid and she's my age and obviously fertile and I'm looking at coming to grips with never having a child. I staved off the binge for three days, but totally snapped and ate sugar free chocolate, lara bars, nuts and dried cherries. The result - I have gained ANOTHER three pounds, for total of 6 and I know they won't come off. I haven't been able to lose any weight the last two month. IT's so crazy, because one half of me sees this behavior playing out and is saying "don't do it. one bite and you're done, you're gonna be mad when you gain the weight" and yet off I go...

    However, I refuse to be mad at myself and beat myself up.

    In fact, I think I will try to not think about it too much and focus on positive.

    Thanks for your honest blog. I often feel like I'm the only one who falls off the wagon.

    I do have a question though, what "treats" are Leptin Reset friendly?

    Maybe if I have something "allowed" I'll do better.

  12. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    you need biofeedback training and you need to stop eating almond butter.......and why you are one estradiol is not making any sense to me......but it is what it is. Your thoughts are driving your adrenal cortex to drink.......and you need to shut that down. Biofeedback would help you immensely. Ask Hazy Jane for help.

    READ CT ten right now.........see what it says there about treats..........you'll see my answer.
  13. Jennifer, reading you is breaking my heart. Of course it's not about will power, caracter or any weakness!

    Your gut is sick. And that's why you can't lose weight. This is telling you somethig is wrong. You already know that your hormones are a mess. There's probably something in your diet wrong too. At this moment, I truly think that you can not expect to lose weight. You have to focuss on healing yourself first. And that might take long... You might gain more weight too. I know you don't want to (who does??), but this is an indication that inflammation is high in your body.

    Do you have a good doctor? Did you do labs?

    I can totally relate to your story. Been binging and purging for years. Amenorrhea. Doing the yo-yo with my weight. When I finally quit purging, I was still binging and of course gained weight. I was 150 at Christmas. Went down to 147 after a few weeks on the reset, felt off the wagon for 2 weeks, went up to 153. Now I'm at 156. Gained 3 lbs in a month, still on the reset. Very frustrating. It will come off, I know, but first I got to heal that gut I maltreated for years. I stopped beating myself up. Now that I know better, I have to do better.

    Just like you, coconut manna, nuts, nut butter triger binges....My doctor says that's because I'm somehow allergic or intolerant to those. I have to avoid them completely. I know it, but yesterday I still bought almonds, thinking I would be fine with having a few. Wrong!!! I can't have a few, I have to have them all!!! I'm eating and know I should stop, but I just go on!! Just like you, I can't help myself. So next time, I just won't buy them....I do have a treat....I have it every day actually. It's CO blended with cinnamon and raw chocolate in powder. I melt the CO just a little, I mix in cinnamon and chocolate, and I freeze it on parchment paper 15 minutes. You have to try it, it is so good. And I don't feel like having more when I have one, I'm full and satisfied.

    Journaling also helps me a lot. I know you started one too, Did it help? I think you have to concentrate on healing your gut and your hormones, it will be a lot less frustrating that concentrating on weight. Weight is a symptom of underlying conditions...Be kind to yourself, be patient, and it will come off. Big hug.

  14. BJK77

    BJK77 Gold

    I'm so sorry you're struggling so much Jennifer. I have my own struggles as I'm sure we all do, but I finally feel like I have come to terms with my past binging. And based on my own experience, I couldn't even handle an occasional "treat." Anytime I tried to add anything into my diet that I viewed as a treat I binged. This definitely included almond butter, coconut manna, starchy veggies like butternut squash, etc - really, anything even remotely sweet/starchy.

    When I finally realized that my body just did not have the ability to handle these foods, life became so much easier. Yes, my diet is boring, but I feel like I have more control over my life in general now. I was on GAPS for over a year before doing the leptin rx and I spent the last 6 months of that time consuming nothing even slightly sweet or starchy - no baked goodies with nut flours, no nut butters, sweet squash, carrots, nada! I made the very real decision to be in control of what I would eat and consciously CHOOSE to only consume what would benefit my body. Sure I found myself wanting these things once in awhile, but more than wanting the foods - I wanted the control I felt by being able to say "no" to them.

    I've now been on the leptin rx for 12+ weeks and don't even really find myself desiring these foods at all. I do think at times it would be nice to bring them back into my diet just for the sake of variety and to be able to eat what everyone else around me does, but I can honestly say I don't crave them in any way.

    Point is: You must make the choice to take control of your eating habits. You can totally kick those cravings/desires to the curb, but you have to give it all up! No small handfuls of nuts or just a spoonful of almond butter if you truly know you won't be able to stop at that small amount. It's hard, but not impossible and you're obviously here because you want optimal, which means you can do this!!
  15. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    actions fix thoughts.......when you begin to go against your thoughts some amazing things can occur.
  16. youthfuliz

    youthfuliz New Member

    I think it takes a little while to wean off whatever bad habit, so just keep doing the right thing and you'll find it getting easier. I had carb cravings before too, but now I crave fat. :D With fat and protein, the good thing is you don't want to eat nonstop... as soon as you satisfy your craving with a good meal, the craving goes away. With carbs one can behave like an eating machine, which we are not born to be. :p

    I find that as soon as I eat enough at breakfast, I hardly have any cravings during the day. I stopped snacking on day one of leptin reset. Still have cravings sometimes, I guess due to hormones/cycle and I would eat a little more, and eat more fatty stuff to pacify myself. Over time it becomes more and more "normal", as if I adapt to a new way of living, a new habit. Also re-reading the blog posts helps too. The more I understand the "why", the easier it is for me to do the right thing. Don't just discipline yourself into good behavior, nurture yourself into it. :)
  17. MamaGrok

    MamaGrok New Member

    Many great words here -

    - Do what you can. You can't make yourself not binge if you have cravings, so use your willpower where it CAN work ... doing the things that make the cravings shut up. That means, don't buy the coconut flesh or nuts (I can't have any of these, either - in fact, the more I meet people who binge on carbs, the more I find none of us can tolerate these); don't buy the dried fruits; don't have "just one bite" of any of these. Force the BAB on every morning, increase it till the cravings die (may take a few months, listen to your body as to how much you may need ... I needed 65g). If you feel you're going to fall into a binge, have a tablespoon of CO first. I mean, you're already breaking the "no snacking" rule with the binge, so do the CO first. Etc.

    - Do not blame yourself for bingeing. It is chemical. Period. The only place for blame is for not doing your best in the areas where you *can* succeed (see above). Guilt should be a motivator for doing better next time, not a whip. And NEVER for things you can't control - like bingeing when there are cravings.

    Please - go to my journey (linked in my signature). Go to March 2011 (if you go to February or January, you'll also get some larabar binge stories, and that's fine too!). Read from there to November 2011. It might take an hour? I have been where you are; I have gained, I have binged, I have tried, I have failed, I have done it all over again. Even on the LR. And then again. And again. And again. But in the end, I win. You will, too.

    BTW, I no longer want treats (mostly because they all make me backtrack physically, but also b/c I just don't), but when I do, it might be super duper dark chocolate and one strawberry (not dried!). I can't do anything else yet, really.
  18. PaulaRichards

    PaulaRichards New Member

    Jennifer, if you haven't already read Mamagrok's jouney, I highly suggest you do! Seriously!! I've been VLC on & off for years and no matter how great I felt I always "fell off the wagon" & it always resulted in binge eating. The binges could last just for weekends, but they could turn into weeks and months & on and off for years. I think the latest was during the Christmas holidays when I gained almost 15 lbs! I've only been on the reset since March 19 and am certainly no pro!

    I have to say that reading Mamagrok's journal, not only reflected a lot of what has happened in my own life over the years, but made me realize that success is waiting for me (for all of us) & I'm not going to postpone the meeting any longer!

    There were days since starting the reset that the cravings were severe & I could have riped the face of anyone who looked at me the wrong way because I was so irritable!!! I reached for the CO with cocoa powder & it got me through some tough days. Yes, I broke the "No Snacking" rule but I didn't eat crap that might have resulted in a binge on crap food. Perhaps there will be more cravings to beat on my path to success but those "cheats" with the CO managed to get me to now being able to follow the rules without the killer cravings!
  19. Thank you ALL for the kind words and support. I have Mamagrok's page bookmarked for reading next (I'm babysitting my niece right now!). It's amazing to me this energy build up that I feel that just has to go somewhere. Pushing it down or ignoring doesn't work. Although I am sure there must be a way to discharge it without eating (biofeedback as Dr K suggested). Amazingly enough, I don't break the "no snacking" rule. It's more when I start eating, I don't stop. I do notice that the dark chocolate, whether it be 99% mixed with CO or this 85% I just tried does not make me binge. The "sugar free" stuff does. Dr K says pitch the almond butter. And read CT 10, which I did. And moderation is definetly not a place I hang out...LOL...I'm usually swinging from one extreme to the next. I love this line from CT 10- "We do not need an intelligent mind that speaks, but a patient heart that listens. Make your choices and you create your life." And what Dr K added here "actions fix thoughts.......when you begin to go against your thoughts some amazing things can occur."

    One part of my brain absolutely believes in the Leptin Reset but this other part likes to talk s@#$.

    I've got a lot of sorting out to do on physical and emotional level. I have been ignoring that and focusing on the bathroom scale.

    And I def am not getting the right medical help here. My gyn has made it pretty clear she is only interested in treating my reproductive organs, hence the estradiol to fix my low estrogen (treating the symptom not the disease). I have to decide between going back to this NP that does BHRT (she knows her female hormones but I don't really trust her in the thyroid area), an endocrinologist or a long distance consult.

    So much of this is tied to some idea that I must never make any mistakes (black and white thinking)...It helps to hear others fall and get back up! And as you say, Paulalynn, success is waiting...

    much gratitude!
  20. PaulaRichards

    PaulaRichards New Member

    This a quote for the vision board. To be read everyday!

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