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My Optimal Journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by KrusinWitchie, Jun 28, 2018.

  1. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    That will teach you for taking hot showers! :D

    Glad you’re ok. That would be scary all alone.

    Are you prone to fainting? I don’t think I’ve ever fainted from anything. Lightheaded yes, but never passed out.
  2. Saichi

    Saichi New Member

    Hope you have a canopy and some shielding on the meter.
  3. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    I am not.. just once about fifteen years ago during a tumbling class. My sister used to faint every Sunday in church. If I am up past my bedtime under any type of lighting I do get lightheaded and nauseous. No more hot showers :)
  4. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    I followed up with the utility company. They can't replace it with an analog, but they can remove it from the house and onto the barn. Right now it is encased in a metal box, but I still pick up the readings with the trimeter. In the meantime I will look into shielding the meter on the house.

    I did decide to sleep in the bed of my SUV the past two nights. I drive it out to the pasture. I have screen cloth attached to the car with magnets so that I can open the windows of the car and keep mosquitos out. Although I'm not grounded, there are no RF readings from my meter. I will next be looking to get some of that braided copper wire to ground myself during sleep.

    I felt at my best when sleeping on the ground in a tent last year. It was a bitch to maintain long term from the elements, so I moved back inside for the winter. In the car, I have already felt more bright eyed and bushy tailed these past two mornings.

    I slept alone, since my parter prefers something more comfortable. I don't have anything like a mattress pad for the car at the moment, I only sleep on top of a cotton comforter. I prefer sleeping on hard surfaces. The fact that I knew he wouldn't sleep with me was a major deterrent to me sleeping in the car for the past few months. I was fearful it would be a source of conflict, but that hasn't been the case. He is supportive of it and for his sake, I hope he joins me. For now, it may work in my favor that he may miss me a little.
    Phosphene likes this.
  5. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    I’m borrowing nuggets from @seanwater’s journal. Last name Waters is pretty dope...

    Tomorrow morning I intend to lose myself (in as little clothes as possible) in my neighborhood’s country roads until I find my way back home.

    I used to venture out into the woods on our property with my dog. The last time I did that, my little terrier ran off and wouldn’t come back. After about 45 minutes she did return. She bit me that night. I examined her and found a small wound on her neck. I suspect she was bitten by some animal that put her on guard and exacerbated her aggressive tendencies. We euthanized her since my stepdaughter was coming days later. That’s been on my mind nearly every day since then. I feel entirely responsible for her aggression and death.

    I miss her a lot. I’m sleeping in the same pasture I buried her in. My sister’s dog is a big wuss but will be a sweet companion for my walk tomorrow.
    MITpowered26 and Phosphene like this.
  6. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    How long till you found your way back home?

    I’m sure your pup is weighing on you but you must forgive yourself and move on. You made the best decision you could in a pressured and emotional situation involving the well-being of a child. That’s all we can do day to day—make our best decisions and keep moving forward.

    How was this Sunday’s family dinner? Any product testing going on, or won’t they touch it? :D
    KrusinWitchie and MITpowered26 like this.
  7. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Late reply.. I relate. I say a lot of things in my journal, especially things I"m going to DO in the future.. that I fail to do. Its embarrassing, and makes me feel like my words have no meaning. But the truth is that its all valid. The dishonesty. The struggle. Because you have to wade through the swamp of your own bull shit to arrive at gold nugget that you find appears on some shore beyond your current vision... ie, your insight above into your own "dishonesty." And that insight would have never happened if you didn't swim through it.

    So.. I applaud you for even reading your own journal. I did for the first time this week, and I've never had it in me in 33 years to do that.

    caroline, KrusinWitchie and Phosphene like this.
  8. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Yeah, one of the reasons I delayed starting my journal is that my thoughts, behaviors and patterns were SO unoptimal I couldn’t imagine admitting to them, even behind a cloak of semi-anonynimity. I still struggle with Facebook-izing, or over-reporting the encouraging successes and conveniently leaving out the less flattering stumbles. I avoid FB for the most part but see how addictive those ‘likes’ can be by their use here. I was astonished when I recently saw how many I actually have.

    What??? Me??? :eek:

    It makes it appear that I’m catching up with some of the pillars of the community, when in reality the ‘Like’ function was only added to the forum a few years ago. So unfair to the old timers! Can you imagine the number of likes @Inger and so many others would have if that function were here from inception??


    Accountability is a huge ongoing hurdle for me.

    I’m going to be honest here and admit that I probably failed Kruse 101 this spring and early summer by missing quite a few early sunrises, especially the cold rainy ones with obscured sun. I was a forever night owl, and while I’ve mostly changed that habit there’s some stupid mental block about getting up before 6am if I’m not obligated to do anything (besides save my own damn life).

    I’m setting the intention of posting a sunrise pic every day from now on. It’s the very least, and of course the very most I can do.

    One of the reasons I’m looking forward to returning to work outside the home is an enforced structure, with tangible immediate consequences.

  9. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    BRILL @Phosphene

    For me, some things that run through my mind as I read your post is this:

    On paper, I've thrown a lot of money, really quickly, at the Jack Kruse experience. On the outside, sometimes I wonder what people think and how it appears? "Wait, he's been to the farm, two vips, etc, but in yet he's still super lazy to implement any change and action? What does that say about Jack? And the truth and the response is that Jack will lead you to the water. He can move mountains, and take you through miles of desert, time travel even... but once you arrive at that beautiful fountain with water trickling down in that serene place... and you neglect to taste the water... well.. that is on YOU, that is on ME, and not on Jack. .. Oh, these thing take time.
    caroline, Anne V and KrusinWitchie like this.
  10. drezy

    drezy New Member

    Those are the rules... Watch your back @Inger! There is a big capitalistic American flag on my hip for when I hip check you.

    I've watched your thinking become clearer over time. I think that's a big inflection point formally people.
    KrusinWitchie and Phosphene like this.
  11. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    About an hour.. theres an uphill wooded trail that leads to an open meadow. I wanted it to keep going but it leads into someone’s backyard. Short but sweet :)

    You’re right about moving on and forgiving myself. She was loud AF. If she wasn’t barking she was making all sorts of noises expressing herself to get what she wanted from us. I figure since I tend towards timid and probably have blockages in my throat chakra, she more than made up for that. I can do myself a lot of good by being a little bit more like her.

    Pot roast with carrots and parsnips and mushroom grits made by my mom. She used brown sugar. My teeth hurt for two days afterward. I wonder how I’d react to the same meal without the high RF exposure at their house. Sunsets are quickly arriving sooner and sooner. I will begin to host Saturday brunches this winter to avoid a poor environment on fall and winter Sunday nights.

    I haven’t made them any samples yet... at the moment I am an excellent sloth.
  12. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    I will read other people’s journals through the lens of understanding and compassion and love. But when I read my own I struggle to extend those same niceties towards myself and my own growth. It’s something that I’m working on and it is comforting knowing that I’m not the only one who feels that. So thank you :)
    Phosphene and MITpowered26 like this.
  13. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    You are so great at offering insights, it comes as no surprise to me!

    Since sleeping in the car, I have no choice but to see the morning sun and sunrise when I get up and out. That's been helping me. I struggle with accountability too, so we have that in common. I have plenty of dreams about missing deadlines, being late for work, showing up to places naked lol. Each morning I wake up (right now its about 5:15) and tell myself it's still 3AM. I fall back asleep for about another hour and twenty minutes and have the most vivid dreams. Today I began journaling my dreams, I feel it will be helpful for me to connect with myself. The lesson in this morning's dream was to get my shit together and tell the haters to fuck off! I was peeing in a toilet where plenty of people could see me (this is recurring) and instead of being anxious like I usually am in these dreams, I spoke to the man invading my privacy. Then I went and sat down at a table with two women. One was named Dawn. I asked her if she spelled it "Daun" or "Dawn" and she was nasty and made fun of my interest in linguistics. I took no offense and just explained my interest. According to the internet, "To see the dawn in your dream signifies rejuvenation, enlightenment, and vitality. You are emerging out from a new stage in life and have a new understanding or a new start in life."

    I am excited for you to start your new gig. Hope you can sample some meatballs here and there from the kitchen :)
    Phosphene and MITpowered26 like this.
  14. Saichi

    Saichi New Member

    I've had the most vivid dreams since killing my breakers at night too.
    Phosphene likes this.
  15. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    My dreams have always been vivid so I hope that says something good about my redox and sleeping environment. And I totally relate to the anxiety and shame-related dreams, not lately though, so that’s good as well. I had much to work out apparently.

    Good for you on moving the weekly family gathering to your space, under your control. I must say that I do admire your parents for enforcing that tradition, and I was honored to participate. As flawed as they (we) are they all still love you tremendously.

    The restaurant owner is open to some paleo/Keto-friendly dishes so I hope that will save me. :D
    KrusinWitchie likes this.
  16. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    I began writing in a physical journal. I became aware that my voice is fragmented, which is no surprise because my thoughts are too. I am not putting too much pressure on this area because in time, plus effort, it will improve.

    I have been learning a lot about abuse in the past year. It is comforting to know there are others on the forum that have been through similar experiences and achieved growth. I think that my fragmented thinking may have something to do with this. I learned how to be abusive from my environment and am giving myself the space to learn not to be. As unwise as it may seem I am also giving that space to my SO to do the same for himself and in turn for us.

    I am currently overcome with guilt. Despite this I still smile at the sun and imagine roots enveloping me when I ground outside. I am a work in progress. We had a trip to Florida planned for this week to see the little one. An attempt on my part to express my emotions 36 hours before departure did not bode well. Names were thrown at me and I was told he was going alone. I kept my cool, expressed how hurtful it was and that I wouldn’t make excuses for this outburst of his. I removed myself and went barefoot outside. I am proud of myself that I was able to cry.

    I decided that I wasn’t going to go along if I wasn’t wanted, especially if I was going to be giving, giving, giving during the trip. After such a hurtful exchange I felt I needed time to be alone. I was worried I’d be resentful during the trip and I didn’t want that to rub off on the little one. They are so sensitive to us.

    The next day I laid it all out on the table. I was raised by parents with reversed gender roles. My mom provided, threatened suicide out of exhaustion, and was never around to raise us. I made my lunches since second grade and still have a problem properly nurturing myself. My dad was home whenever he didn’t have a job and was the “nurturer” and was not so good at that job either. This emasculation from not being the provider for our family and my mother publicly resenting him for it caused a lot of pain for him I am sure. He was very reactive and emotional. And drank a lot. My binge drinking from the age of 14 was celebrated within the family. I was never corrected for it. I am not complaining. It is what it is. They endured painful circumstances and I have compassion for them.

    My SO was raised in a similar environment with passive men and dominant women. I do not have a clear idea of positive masculine male figures in my life.

    I told him that I wasn’t going to be his mother, and that I need the space to express my femininity through my emotions without them being held against me. I highlighted his abusive behavior. I told him I needed to be cared for emotionally and supported.

    He said that hearing it hurt him, but that he realizes that he has never comforted me emotionally and that he doesn’t know how. What he does know how to do is freeze up and react with anger because he interprets emotions expressed as a manipulation. He admitted that it isn’t the case with me and that he needs to see the truth in my emotions.

    He was not pleased that despite the heart to heart apology I still was not coming to Florida. I don’t know if that was the right decision for me to make, but it is what I decided to do. I don’t know if I feel guilty because of something he said or did, or if it is a natural response to me standing firm in my needs. I am only just learning how to do that and it is kind of horrifying.

    I know this sounds like a big stinky mess and also that I have a predisposition to cling to those that push me away, but this didn’t feel like that. Hence why I feel guilty. This is a very confusing time for me. At least it’s not December, like Phosphene said :)
    MITpowered26 and Phosphene like this.
  17. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    " I am not putting too much pressure on this area because in time, plus effort, it will improve."
    " am currently overcome with guilt. Despite this I still smile at the sun and imagine roots enveloping me when I ground outside. I am a work in progress"


    Hello. Your words touched me in this note. Writing has saved my life this year, and I hope same for you, Witchie. You already have the most important piece of the puzzle, you know? You have the 30,000 foot view. See the quotations above .. On my good days, I have to find this piece sometimes. The compassionate, gentle "nudging" along with your journey.

    Phosphene and KrusinWitchie like this.
  18. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    Thank you, J. I am trying to be kind to myself right now and you know I just feel like I don’t know how. But it seems I am making progress. Now kicking myself... Did I not go to FL because I wanted to teach him a lesson? Is that really more important for ME than soaking up the FL sun for a week is? Surely the joy from a sweet young little girl who loves me would have cheered me up as well?

    I thought I was clear headed at the time I made the decision but in fact I wasn’t entirely sure and kept asking myself if I was making the right decision by not going. I was looking for confirmation and I couldn’t find it within myself. I could have looked to my partner who obviously wanted me to go with him but I was just so hurt still by the manipulation. The cup spilleth over with emotions...

    I hope he has the strength and compassion to forgive me and see my pain for what it was and nothing more. That’s when I really needed a rational mind to nudge me towards a healthier decision for everyone involved but we both were just too emotional and I thought I was being rational anyways.

    Going to go baptize myself in the cool and windy lake and try not to mull over this. The wind should obliterate my ruminating thoughts.
    Phosphene likes this.
  19. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Head out further and let that glorious body of water support you and absolve all your “sins”... :)
  20. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    I went out knee deep and did not go all in. Either I am excellent at finding excuses or I was wisely conscious of the fact that I was not hydrated enough to go all in. I’ll fix that part today and be ready for a Sunday sin absolving floating in the deep session.. facing my fear.

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