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My Optimal Journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by KrusinWitchie, Jun 28, 2018.

  1. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    I am beginning my journal with the intent of record keeping so that as I read more of the blogs (and the webinars one day when I can afford them) I can go back in time and make connections. There are many anecdotes from my past that have become relevant to me again when applying the context of the knowledge Jack presents us with.

    For instance, when I was around 12 I partially and completely tore some tendons and ligaments in my left elbow while performing in a cheerleading competition at the Mohegan Sun casino. The injury happened doing something I had done maybe 500 times already (a roundoff backhandspring), however I had never done it in Mohegan Sun Arena. Prior to that the only competitions I had performed in were in school gymnasiums, and had never injured myself like that. I enjoyed making that connection.

    I’m on page 10 of Inger’s journal and I am blown away. I am inspired by her openness and the support she extends towards others and that others reach out to offer her in return. It is a beautiful thing and I am learning so much. I feel like I am reading a book! It will be hard put my phone down and to stick to reading the blogs chronologically when I have such a page turner at my fingertips. Maybe I can print Inger’s journal too... :)

    Inger, thank you. Also, thank you Jack. You have both given me courage in seemingly small ways. Inger, by having the courage to share in your journal that you have drank your urine and put it on your face, I have no shame in saying I’ve been using my own urine, too! Since February of this year I began using my fresh urine as a toner first thing in the morning. It has made my previously clogged and dry problem skin very radiant. If I do not use it everyday, I start noticing more “plugs” on the skin on my nose. A week ago I also began using a homemade grass fed tallow/aloe/honey cream all over afterwards and now I feel like a moisturized goddess. Years ago, I always knew that I could be beautiful underneath my painful cystic acne and eczema ridden skin, however I had no idea what that beauty would look or feel like. Now I know! Also, yesterday I experimented with using my urine to cleanse my hair and scalp. I did not rinse it out. I let it air dry and asked my fiancé to smell my head and give me his impressions. He did not know I used the golden goodness and told me my hair smelled like an herbal flower garden!!!! I was floored! He likes to joke around a bit so I had to ask him about ten times to make sure he was serious.. he was. My hair dried very curly and shiny.

    And Jack, thank you for wearing outrageous purple suits and bright shirts and the like. I am settling into a comfortable place of self expression. I reflect how I see myself, not how others see me. Having been bulimic, this is huge for me. I have some wild thrifted pants that I keep meaning to tailor...

    I also have found the courage to tell my mother than I am declining her invitation to travel to Barcelona this summer. She is working there, and I’d be flying from New Hampshire to Spain. Pre-Kruse, I agreed even though my heart sunk just imagining the travel burden the moment she asked me to come. Last year I traveled overseas for the first time to London and had a horrible eczema outbreak. I don’t feel it is right to harm myself to make others happy. Especially when I am working so hard to get my mitochondria happy! I feel so much better after informing my family that I would not be traveling with them.

    The other day I was wading through the lake with my lil’ scrappy dog when I saw a small dragonfly struggling to stay afloat. I picked him up, gave him some time to get his wings dry, and he stayed on my hand for close to an hour! I also saw a small bird sing his song, he put his whole body into it! I have never seen that before. On the lake are two loons who have been hanging out close by our cottage. My mother said that last year they did not come close by at all. All spring they have been making appearances! Yesterday we saw them diving for fish in the shallow part of the water... they are SO fast. It is raining now and I just ran out into the lake because I felt like it. Minutes after I returned inside, who shows up in the exact spot that I was in but the loon!

    I am inspired to know that this spring has been so eventful for myself and my little family. The changes we have welcomed into our lives came at the perfect time. I am thankful for the connection I have with the earth that has invited all of these changes during a season of transition:

    -I found Dr.Kruse in April as the ice was melting... one week prior I intuitively sat in the snow looking towards the sun with the intent of kicking the lingering cold I had to the curb. It worked!
    -My fiancé all of the sudden looks like some sculpture. He has reminded me of the gay figure drawing teacher that I had many years ago who would get so excited when we had a chiseled male model. All those lines and contours! He gets bashful when I oogle over him and I find that endearing.
    -We decided to go for the juggler and make moves towards gaining physical custody of my fiancé’s 6y/o daughter. Where she lives is getting 5G this fall, she is sometimes fed rice and ketchup 3x/day and does not have reading time with her mother who keeps her away from her own father.
    -We moved from a 5G area to rural New Hampshire before we even knew what 5G was.
    -we both made great strides in learning to love our families from afar.
    -huge changes in my fiancé’s job that most of his peers are anxious about but that he is more than well equipped to adapt to.

    Overall, I am grateful. I am also really humbled by how informed most people on the forums are. I have a ways to go and am excited for the ride!
     
    Alex97232, Phosphene and Joyfun like this.
  2. Joyfun

    Joyfun Intuitively curious

    @KrusinWitchie
    Hi KW,
    I was very touched by your sincere, open Optimal Journal. It's really interesting, when I was in the 5th or 6th grade, a school friend said she was using urine on her face to clear the pimples. That was back in the 1950s.
    You are beginning to see life with new eyes and fresh insight. I had tears in my eyes when I finished reading your Journal, not from sadness but from great joy for you. I read all you had posted. What a new and beautiful journey you are on.
    I looked at your name and got a chuckle. My daughter loves Halloween best.....any connection to that holiday?:)
     
    Phosphene and KrusinWitchie like this.
  3. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    welcome .........I wish I had something beautiful to call you..........
     
  4. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    That is really sweet of you, thank you! The name is just what came to mind when I was creating my account :) About two years ago I read a few books about “natural” witchcraft. Organized witchcraft doesn’t really resonate with me because it reminds me a lot of organized religion. However it was through that first introduction to witchcraft that I became interested in earth centered traditions, magnetism, and light cycles. I think that there might be a coven out there practicing the Epi-PaleoRx lol! I wouldn’t know because my “practice” is limited to my own kitchen and home. According to the book that I read, I am a “Kitchen Witch”.
     
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  5. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    Hannah :love:
     
    caroline likes this.
  6. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Hi Hannah! I’m pretty sure you’ve found your coven. :p:alien::)
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2018
  7. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    I think you are right, Phosphene!

    This morning I finally made lamb heart carpaccio, thanks to this forum! Mine and my fiancé’s tongues were wagging! My dad was over and i gave him a bite too, he loved it! I used lime juice, ginger, Celtic salt, some balsamic vinegar, red onion and parsley, black pepper and EVOO. He knew I was going to make something with the lamb heart, but he had no idea it was going to be as good as it was. I’m so glad I had no problems eating it. I think that preparing the food and handling it directly helps with being able to eat new and unusual things. Two years ago he cooked me liver and onions and I was a big baby about eating it. Look at me now! The lamb hearts were previously frozen so now I am keen on finding an optimal source for raw organ meats before I start raising my own.

    @Inger I was planning on getting Nigerian Dwarf goats as soon as my little farm is ready for them, but your journal has changed my mind. You paint such an idyllic picture with you and your cuties. My “lamby” stuffed animal was given to me when I was born and I had it for 25 years until last year when I accidentally threw it out. Time to get a real one! I think that before I do get goats, if I do, I will get sheep. I have 15 acres of pasture. I would want them for milk and also meat. Have you ever had fresh sheep milk? I have not, and am curious about the taste.

    I haven’t moved into the farm yet, but here is my plan. I want to start ASAP with farming Black Soldier Fly larvae. They eat anything that you can compost, and their “compost tea” deters other insects from colonizing the area it’s applied to. They are loaded with omega-3’s and protein. I have a complete fatty acid analysis for them that I think might tickle @Jansz’ fancy. I will be feeding that to my ducks and my dog if she’ll eat them. I think she will because she has been known to kill and eat 5 horseflies at a time. I want ducks for meat and eggs, a rabbit colony (on ground) to feed my dog and my family, followed by the sheep.

    A few weeks ago I gave my family a heart attack when I told them I ate two mussels from the lake we live on. My fiancé had 1. It is one of the cleanest lakes in New Hampshire. They told me that I’m not supposed to eat freshwater shellfish. A little salt sprinkled on top and it was just as tasty as anything store bought I’ve had. That night my fiancé and I ended up on another planet in bed. Although they did scare me to the point I haven’t had another since. I checked the New Hampshire fish and game website and they said that there are no additional risks eating freshwater shellfish, just to be sure the water is clean as always. This weekend I’ll wade back out and grab a few more to freak them out during July 4th festivities.
     
  8. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Hannah, absolutely everything about your journal is making me smile. It’s so encouraging to see younger folks finding this site and taking it to heart. I still consider myself a newbie even though I’ve been following quite awhile—have many bad habits to undo and relearn to right my ship. I also dove in here by obsessively reading @Inger ’s journal. Get ready for a wild and wonderful ride there. I’ll bet she could seriously turn that into a best-selling memoir...

    I’d love to hear more about your cottage on the lake. In college I took a trip to such a lake in New Hampshire with the man who became my husband (and still is, just barely). The simple, rustic cabin belonged to the family of a friend we went with, and we all had such a fabulous time—seven of us. The memories are still so vivid. It was off the grid—small gas stove, outhouse, kerosene lanterns (which did give headaches but we were certainly up too late).

    I also remember gathering freshwater mussels from the lake and being so excited to make something with them. Of course we were all inexperienced cooks then with very limited supplies. The dish involved potatoes and eggs and was probably supposed to be some sort of frittata. It turned out nasty (was dubbed Potato Nasty) but we were hungry and funds were limited so it was consumed anyway. With way too much cheap beer.

    What did we do way back then without TV and internet and phones? Oh yeah—we played games—poker, gin rummy, scrabble, charades. And hiking (unfortunatly doused in DEET for the mobs of mosquitos. Maybe that’s what the headaches were from?) And hours out on the canoes and swimming in the clear, frigid water, then sunbaking on the shore. And creative cooking. And books. And music. And some hard labor—we were tasked with clearing a fallen tree in exchange for the stay.

    I don’t recall any astral travel in bed, but there were probably a few Earthly excursions.

    Oh yeah....

    Thanks for the stroll down memory lane! Who knew optimal was in reach way back then? Don’t remember the name of the lake—I’m sure there are hundreds. I’ll find out.
     
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  9. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    @Phosphene that sounds like a precious memory! As I was outside by the lake this past weekend I found myself wondering what might be different about the lake now versus a few decades ago. Definitely more sunscreen floating on the surface in its oily, rainbow reflecting fashion from all the gringos. It’s called Kolelemook Lake. All winter there was barely a soul here, save for the occasional ice fisher on Saturday mornings. This past weekend it was in the 90s and crowded enough that I felt like I needed to “get away”. I am not the biggest fan of fireworks, and there were TONS going off. I wonder how that affected the fishies, and me too!

    I won’t be asking for your Potato Nasty recipe anytime soon. I am not so daring to attempt anything other than steaming them and then down the hatch with salt and lime. Apparently, though, there are a lot of endangered freshwater mussel species so I’ll have to drive to the shore pick fresh shellfish. Haven’t been yet, so I’m looking forward to that.

    There’s no cable internet service here, so we have a little “mifi” device from verizon that is off most of the time. Usually I have 1-2 bars of LTE service and sometimes only 3G. I have been wondering if it’s worse that there’s poor service because my phone works harder to find a connection. Now that there’s more people here, there’s more WiFi signals too. All of the nnEMF business is new to me, but yesterday I turned off the breakers here for the first time and it was great! I am sure a few decades ago there was less “buzz”, more quiet. I used to feel I needed that white noise of the “buzz”. The dishwasher running at night used to be like a lullabye to me, and now I don’t even want to be in the house when it’s on. The fridge gives me anxiety lol. It’s worse that all of the appliances my parents put into the house are unnecessarily huge. Even the sink has a motion sensor. They like to keep up with the Joneses in a big way.

    We have red lights in the cottage, much to my mothers horror that the neighbors will think it’s a “whorehouse”. Usually my fiancé and I just talk and are in bed by 10. We have the most beautiful discussions, disagreements, and therapy sessions. I am grateful that we do talk so much because he talks all day at work (he’s a manager for Whole Foods). We also bought a library membership from Dartmouth College and have been getting good use of it so far. My favorite books are the ones that find me in the library stacks.

    Yesterday I was misbehaving and jumping around on the blogs again instead of reading the ones I have printed. Ran into the importance of oxy 2x/day and shared that with my fiancé. As if he needed any more encouragement :) I do get a little scared of the unknown now and then in regards to my health. Less so since I’ve found this site, and will be close to zero when I can afford to be a member and have a consult with labs and everything. But what keeps my worries at bay is that we are optimally in cycle with the moon (ovulate during full moon) and are both getting lots of oxy.
     
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  10. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    I used to “lay out” every summer in high school. I am very pale without the sun, almost translucent. This was in the mid 2000’s and it wasn’t cool then to wear sunscreen or care about the health of your liver or your thoughts. I didn’t know what anxiety or depression were but I knew I was some sort of fucked up. What kept me alive was the sun, I think. Getting some sort of color was my job during the summers, and as I was hungover most of the time it was really all I could muster. I was deep in an ever evolving eating disorder that left me cranky and insecure. Fast forward to two years after high school when I had dropped out of college and returned home. I began working at Whole Foods to pass the time as all my friends were still out of state and in school. I somehow got to thinking it would be a great idea to get really, really pale andminimize the appearance of any freckles. Oh, and to become vegan. I stayed out of the sun for 5 years. That first year of sun avoidance, I got a MRSA infection on my leg and mononucleosis that wiped me out for weeks.

    I was raised to be jealous of my siblings when they were sick. I wanted to be sick so that I could get some attention from my working, BlackBerry-poweredmother. I was excited to get hip surgeries in high school, and got a lot of attention for it. Eventually, I clung to being sick as part of my identity because I had no idea what it was like to not be sick. I couldn’t imagine being me without all of the layers I had caked on top of myself. I think that there are a lot of people who will not accept improvements in health because it will consequently mean that there is less “stuff” todistract them from the fact that they don’t know who they are.

    As an adult, real nurturing is something that you have to do for yourself with the help of Mother Nature. Once I let go of wanting someone else to regulate my state of health and well-being, I wasn’t sick anymore. I was still lost as fuck in the world and not quite okay with it, but that was a process and at this point I am okay with it. And I never truly feel lost because I am so connected to the earth and everyone else that is also connected.

    I also find comfort in knowing that “who I am” can and does change everyday.
     
  11. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    My fiancé is such a great experiment subject. We have been together for 5 years. I know his body like I know my body. Our bodies talk.

    4 years ago he pulled a muscle in his back doing pull ups. At the time we were living in the Bronx and were both vegan. Needless to say redox was a bit slow. It took him over two weeks to recover and it was painful to watch as he likes and needs to be very active at work.

    This past weekend he was pulling the paddle boat up onto the shore from the lake. It was a lot heavier than we realized and I should have helped him. He pulled it using a really wide and weird grip and.. *bop* pulled a muscle in his upper back/shoulder. That was on Saturday. Headache, eye pain and neck pain ensued but we didn’t associate it with the boat until Monday.

    Monday he was uncomfortable and was worst during his drive home. That afternoon I gave him a massage with magnesium, frankincense and geranium and iced it combined with sun exposure. I never really know what the heck I’m doing but ended up doing this. We haven’t done any CT besides air exposure in late winter. He got cold urticaria on his neck for about 20 minutes and had a runny nose for 10 minutes after it was iced.

    Monday night he accidentally kicks our scrappy terrier in the dark and she growls at him. He reaches down (big mistake) and she bites him. I wash it immediately and put iodine on it. Tuesday morning the wound has already closed.

    Tuesday he was still in pain, and was getting chills. His temperature was 101 something. Now I’m worried the dog bite is gonna mess him up in a bad way. I gave him around 2tsp Celtic salt in water and put heat on his shoulder. He fell asleep immediately which was nice because Sunday and Monday night he had tossed and turned and didn’t sleep well. He got up at 1 and I had him gargle with baking soda and take a sip of Lugols in water. He woke up today (weds) and had so much less pain and was able to sleep through the night. No fever this morning. Only thing is he still has eye strain and has slight pain in his neck/upper back but has full range of motion.

    I had no idea what I was doing as I took care of him. But it is good to know that there is a chance that what I intuitively decided to do helped. But i know it was mostly his own body and the improved redox he has experienced since April of this year when we began the epi-paleo diet and modified our light exposure. It is night and day compared to 4 years ago. I also find it interesting that the healing intuition kinda kicked in after I had written the above post yesterday morning.

    I also visited my mom yesterday afternoon to discover that she had a stabbing pain in her lower back, supposedly because she was straddling a stool and “people shouldn’t sit like that”. The post above was really written for me to come to terms with my mother’s resistance to self-nurture and nurturing others. I told her to take a bath with epsom salt and baking soda. She was limping/waddling around and afterwards was just waddling and in a brighter mood.

    My mom suggested that I am blindly following another sensational fad or figure with the whole Kruse thing. What is different about this is that I am following ME. I am learning my body’s own response to my environment with the support of some serious scientific backup from Kruse. And it all intuitively makes sense to me on a birds eye level, even if I cannot understand yet the quantum cellular mechanics of everything I’m reading. Mother Nature, man. It feels so good to have confidence in my decisions despite internal and external sources of doubt.
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2018
    caroline, Phosphene, Joyfun and 2 others like this.
  12. Christina Gagnon

    Christina Gagnon New Member

    I use oregano oil to keep mosquitos off of my skin (it works really well) but am worried that it may interfere with my UV light absorbtion. If any other members have any knowledge about this please post and thanks.
     
    Phosphene likes this.
  13. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    People here used to slather themselves with all sorts of oily sunning concoctions but now that this seems to have fallen out of favor I’m wondering the same. Probably in a webinar I haven’t gotten to yet...

    I’m looking for a good natural bug-be-gone as well. What carrier are you using? Surely not straight oregano oil (ouch!)?

    I’m thinking about trying a spray bottle of water with Epsom salts and a few drops of Lugols and methylene blue. (Lugols autocorrected to Lugosi—ha! No vampires here anymore.) Plant essential oils really aren’t oils exactly. Maybe a few drops of oregano in the mix wouldn’t hurt? I heard catnip oil is good for bugs too.
     
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  14. Christina Gagnon

    Christina Gagnon New Member

    @Phosphene I use North American Herb & Spice brand Wild Oil of Oregano Super Strength (Mediterranean Source). It's organic and made for internal use - I use it on my skin full strngth (it doesn't burn at all) and absorbs quickly and completely into my skin. It also feels great rubbed on the soles of your feet at bedtime (I cover feet with socks after applying). As far as mosquitos go it works like a charm - it makes you smell a little like creosote but not bad.

    My main concern here is will it somehow block any of the good sun rays I'm trying to collect.

     
    Alex97232 likes this.
  15. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    Well I’m not a member yet, so I haven’t tapped into webinars/podcasts at all (besides seeing Jack at VT 2018 :)). That being said I wanted my journal to start out just as a way for me to keep track of myself, and not ask lots of Q’s and whatnot. I find it kind of overwhelming how damn helpful so many of you are in your communication with others on the forums. This is a cool place.

    I didn’t want to ask any questions before I’ve soaked up all the info...

    BUT..

    I am four days late and have suspected something was amiss weeks ago. If I am pregnant I’m almost 5 weeks. My mind has been all over the place. I’m 26, in a relationship where kids were in our future anyways, but my concerns are about the health of myself and this possible brewing babe.

    I don’t have insurance (will get married soon to get on future husband’s insurance, swoon). I need to get a blood hCG test to confirm pregnancy but what other test should I get that zeroes in on what I need? What should I do, like, NOW to react to this possibility? I know that’s a loaded question entirely dependent upon my environment. I impulse bought pastured chicken liver today but don’t know what to do with it.

    -Urine tests are negative. I’m super regular and for the past three years begin my cycle within three days of the new moon. I like to think that means Mother Nature looks out for me.
    -Left 5g city in December of this year, now live in the boonies of NH. Rarely spend time in shitty emf environments (2x/ month) but was blue light toxic 6 months ago. Of course idk what exactly my environments emf is now but we got rid of our WiFi jet pack device because it sucked and verizon said it was cause we are in the boonies surrounded by trees and a lake.
    -future husband commutes 3hr/day poor guy into MA 35 mi outside of Boston at a retail supermarket. This is what is stressing me out the most. He’s waiting to transfer to NH.
    -I eat lots of cooked mussels, bacon, grass fed butter oil, pastured lamb heart, grass fed tallow, shrimp, fish, canned sardines and canned oysters. This began in April of this year. Doing BAB and eating again before sundown. Before then diet was pretty much fish heavy Autoimmune Paleo (eczema) but with Taco Bell hiccups here and there. For a two month period last fall I ate Taco Bell and jack in the box nearly everyday while I worked 3am-11am full-time in Dallas. But I also ate sardines by the case. This is why I wanted to wait a bit more before having babies.
    -no significant CT strides made yet
    -no artificial light, wear blue blockers pm, phones always red, I get lots of sun (NH sun) and don’t burn anymore(started in April). I get morning sun consistently, nude sometimes.
    -smoke marijuana out of a bowl (small pipe) pretty much daily for the past 5 years. Stopped this past week thanks to future husband, as I was trying to convince myself that it was okay.
    -weirdly stopped caffeine (green tea) the week before the possible conception. I have a very addictive personality. I can’t even have coffee in the house or I’ll drink it. I love coffee.



    Can I blame kruse for all of this? The day before the full moon (ovulation time) we got a heat lamp and hooked it up to the bed (before reading much later that it should only be used with UV and while grounded). Fun times that night except I don’t remember falling asleep or what even happened before then. Control and memory were lost on us. No drinking involved. Infrared FTW. Apparently we both were very affected by the red light, I don’t know why. It was a few days before he reminded me what happened because he thought I knew since he had told me right then and there. That’s how it happened.

    Hopefully this is a wash and I don’t need to fret. My goodness, thank you for reading all that and thank you for your time! I know how valuable it is.
     
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  16. Joyfun

    Joyfun Intuitively curious

    Hi KW,
    Somewhere in the forum I read if you are pregnant, get your belly in the sun everyday. So, even if you are not pregnant, get your belly in the sun everyday.:):):) It's a win-win!
    3-leggedstool-pikespeak-mitchelldillman-512.jpg
     
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  17. JanSz

    JanSz Gold

    Spectracell.com
    https://www.spectracell.com/order/
    Micronutrient Test (MNT)

    .....................................
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2018
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  18. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Hon, I don’t want to steer you away from testing, but my hunch is that with the environment and lifestyle you’ve had since moving, your potential babe will be blessed and golden.

    Don’t fret. All is happening as it should. :)
     
    KrusinWitchie likes this.
  19. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    Thank you :) I feel more at ease.
     
  20. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    In my first post on this forum, I detailed my experiences while overnight dog sitting a dying dog at la case del jefe de my future husband. I like the word jefe. I don’t like that house. (Post since deleted because I had posted that under an account using my real name as my name which I don’t know why exactly that bothers me but it did. I can repost it sometime.)

    I was freaked out enough by the experience that I realized the depth and significance of what I had only just begun to see.

    Tottering between both worlds is more taxing than doing the grueling work of submitting to the fact that the reality proves there are just bad places and bad people that you don’t want to mess with and therefore must always work around.

    I say grueling because it sounds visceral like you’re pulling an object out of a puncture wound. Or like CT. And with everything I learn here, I continually pull myself away from a comfortable reality that I must still wish was warm, fuzzy and true. I wish that I didn’t have to feel that, and that there was no threat of something endangering my environment and well-being. (Insert quote about how wishes ain’t ish.) None of that is as grueling as admitting that you knowingly put yourself in a damaging environment. That’s heavy and is what I must be diligent about avoiding moving forward.

    The depth of the negativity I can sense in my environment is clear again. I find myself this morning in that same house. I can’t declare causal links to any of this because I don’t have a meter. Last time we stayed over a week taking care of a senior dog on tons of antidepressants that was a sheer horror energetically to be around unless we were outside. Outside she would dig a hole and lay in it. Me, her, and my own dog just sat outside all day mostly for that week and I still developed an espresso addiction and a hemorrhoid.

    The dog since was put down. This time house sitting consists of plant watering if it hasn’t rained. I stayed just one night with future husband so I could visit his store and go the Asian supermarket. We set up the tent outside with intentions of sleeping there. Rookie mistake leading to wet tent. So we slept on the couch. I had shitty sleep, and dreamt that I knew I wasn’t pregnant despite future husbands excitement over a positive test. Woke up to what seems like a beginning of a cycle and mucus in the back of my throat like last time. I can’t explain that but I know I just can’t wait for him to get out of work so we can go home. Only we’re going straight to Sunday dinner with my racist grandmother and shitty uncle, both grossly outspoken and about to meet my brown partner for the first time. I usually avoid them if I can help it.

    Positives: 3lb box of dried anchovies for 25$ and lesson learned. I do still worry about future husband working here though. Not more than a month ago, his store was upgraded for data speed something or another, I’ll have to ask what exactly they did. But I’m sure as hell it had something to do with 5G in Boston. Around the same time future husbands chiropractor confirmed a calcified lymph node under his right ear. We need cold, dark energy. We are excited for winter to dive into CT, alone together, in the woods.

    In these moments I tell myself that I can enjoy life on earth. I breathe in the suffering of those who have more obstacles than I do and breathe out peace to them.
     
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