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My bumpy road to optimal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by kathiebu@hotmail.com, Mar 24, 2012.

  1. I feel the need to start this journal to write not only my progress, but also my thoughts and how I feel...And I do I feel today? Awful!!

    I feel so bad in my skin, I would love to feel better and lose weight, but I keep messing things up. I sometimes have the feeling that I'm missing the best years of my life. Was so happy to sleep well lately, I had so much energy! I know how to feel better, but why can't I stick to it??

    So today will be a new start... I missed the BAB, but will eat protein and fat for the rest of the day. No CT for today. I worked my way up to 50 minutes baths at 50 degrees and I really enjoy it, no problem at all now with cold water.

    I'll be back soon...I can do it to myself, I deserve it!!

    Edit: I'm adding here my whole story. Careful, the road is bumpy, long and hazardous ;)

    I'm 32 y/o, from Montreal, Canada. French speaking (keep that in mind as you read and see weird structure and grammar)

    Was on the chubby side as a kid. My mom is a wonderful cook, and loved to feed us with deserts at every meal, and we would also consume a lot od processed food, few fruits and veggies. The normal average diet in the 80's... Even as a kid, I had problem sleeping. I remember having difficulties falling asleep, and alwayd waking up to early, driving my mom crazy ;)

    Many years later, I gained a few pounds when I changed job, and the parade of diets started. I lost those extra 15 pounds pretty easily, kept exercising moderately and was eating heatlhy (as healthy as a SAD can be...). Meantime, I quit my job and decided to go back to school. I was 27. I had to go back to my mom's for the first year, studying to get accepted at university. I started couting calories, but would let go if I went overboard and wasn't to worry about it. The next year, I had to move away for university, getting in a pretty demanding program. Lots of studying, exams every week, it was very crazy and I wasn't used to all that by-heart (?). Hell began. I found out that I was a pretty anxious person, and I had a really hard time staying focused and studying for hours. I've always been a sugar lover, but it became a love/hate relationship. Everytime I was studying and finding myself stressed out, I would end up in the pantry, binging on whatever was avalaible.

    At that moment, I was weighting 126 lbs. I was obsessed to lower that weight at 120. Couldn't do by dieting, especially that I was binging more and more often, so I began purging. The first year, it would happen only once a week or once every two week. Nothing to worry about, right? I know it wasn't good, but I could stop whenever I would like...Second year, I was missing working out, which I stopped the previous year because of school. I do road biking at summer, and I discovered spinning classes. I was hooked. I could attempt 4-5 classes a week. I became very strict on my diet. It was easy on week days, with school and everything, but I would blow it up every week-end. Every monday morning was a new beginning, more strict than the previous one. And every week-end was worst, with more food, more sugar, more everything. I was miserable.

    My third year of university was the worst. I was now 30. I don't even know how I could have succeed in all my classes. My sleep got worst also. I would binge at night when I could not sleep, week days or not, showing up at school the next morning exhausted, with huge dark circles under my eyes and feeling dehydrated. I begged a friend of mine to prescribe me Ritalin so I could study better (and knowing it's also an appetite suppressor), but sleep got even worst, so I didn't use it long. Then I got Wellbutrin for anxiety, and as it was also affecting my sleep, I went on sleeping pills. Was sleeping, but was never feeling rested in the morning. I don't really like to use medication, and after 3 months I stopped all that cold turkey. This was the end of third year and I was wondering if I would ever feel better and if my life was meant to be a constant battle with my weight, my mind and food. At that point, I was avoiding all social life, especially going out to restaurants or having a drink with friends. Everything would trigger a binge and a night in hell.

    4 months prior to end my degree, I had enough and was tired of harming my body that way. Up to then, I saw a few therapists, but it didn't really help. A friend of mine told me about hypnosis and I decided to try it. It changed my life around. I loved it, and it helped me change some behaviors related to stress and low self-esteem. I still do it from time to time, with therapist or by my-self, it,s really relaxing. I then decided it was time to stop purging. I knew the binges would probably go on for a while, and I was ready (well, I thought I was) to accept gaining some weight through the process. At the same moment, I tried cutting out all wheats because I was feeling bloated all the time. Good move, but every week-end I would still binge on pastry, sugar, cake and ice cream. During that time, sleep got even worst, and I barely sleept for 3 months. And was binging at night... I put on 10 lbs in 4 months. And was still feeling miserable, really vulnerable with food and couldn't see the end of it.

    Last August, I discovered Robb Wolf and read The Paleo Solution. That's when I understood I was a true sugar addict and that I had to stay completely away in order to avoid binges. They became less frequent (maybe once a month, sometimes twice), with a week in and there where I completely lost it and hit bottom again. I also knew I had Adrenal fatigue, and thought it would go away with time, supplementing and lowering stress. It did lowered because now I sleep a little better, but as I'm wrinting right now, It's 6 in the morning and I've been up since 3 o'clock...Still a little work to do here obviously...

    A little before Christmas, I saw Dr kruse's blog, but wasn't thinking much of his BAB and no snack at night...It's only at the beginning of this Febuary that I went back and read a little more...And decided to try it. Not long after, I started CT. I was not losing weight (I don't weight myself much, too much stress for me), but was feeling leaner and sleep was an hundred time better. I never recall sleeping that well my entire life!! Had so much energy too!!

    And two weeks ago, thinking I was doing good, I went out with a friend, had a little (too much) wine, and that was it, i was started for two weeks... I hit bottom again. It's been a really long time being so bad. Usually my feet slide and the next day I'm up and I go on, but I got a lot of stress at work, sleep became bad again and was having mini-binges here and there, having a hard time to come back on the right track. I even had a bagel, after MONTHS of not having any gluten. Stupid me!! And of course comes with it this feeling of self disgust and low esteem. I can be quit a drama queen also, calling my sister in tears, telling her I'll never do anything good with my life and that I'm tired to put all my energy on my weight lose goal. My sister is an angel, BTW. And so are my friends. i don't know how I would have been through this without their support. Love you all s the more difficult, insulin being high and sugar calling me everywhere. Then I start to feel better and want to keep this feeling...

    Next week I'll see my new doctor here in Montreal and will ask him blood testing. Can't wait to see how much of a mess I am. I gained another 20 lbs since last summer. Seems to be upping 10 lbs at the time. I don't feel pretty good in my skin, but I know weight isn't the goal here (or should not be anyway). I want to get healthier, to feel better, and I know weight is gonna drop as a secondary effect. I don't have a weight goal. I know I will never go back to low 120's, I think it was to hard to maintain for me. I'll leave that to my body to decide where optimal is. I'm harmed it a lot, and now I have to focus on healing it and trying to love it on the way.

    I know hormonal imbalance are responsable for the mess that I am, but that a psychological problem started the machine. Low self-esteem, wanting to be perfect, not good at managing stress...Over exercising, anerexia/bulemia...adrenal, thyroid and sexual hormones imbalance...Have I said how glad I am to have discovered Jack kruse?? That forum is going to help me much, too! I'm sadly amazed to see that lots of you have an history similar to mine. I thought that I was the only one constantly fighting with food...Your support is already helping me a lot. Thank you my virtual friends :)

    Will try to go back to sleep now an hour or two ;)
  2. Slone07

    Slone07 New Member

    I hope by the time you read this you feel better. I understand the cycle you're in and it sucks. My best advice is to do one thing at a time. Do the LR eating protocol for 8 weeks and THEN add CT. It may not be a popular opinion around here, but I *get* what's going on with you because I go whole hog at first, too. If you look at the POST-LR Support Thread, you'll see that many of them started having problems when they added in CT. I'm not saying you shouldn't go through with CT, but going through that as well as the issues of getting settled into the LR protocol and making it habit is a LOT.

    Sleep is your friend. Get some melatonin and 5-HTP and/or GABA to help you stay there and get regulated on your sleep cycle. You don't have to take them forever, but you owe yourself a good, SOLID night's sleep.

    I've done HCG very successfully...but this LR has me much healthier mentally, which allows me to stick to it better. The LR is less crazy making. So far, just focusing on the LR with the understanding that I may gain weight (I started off expecting to and made sure I was okay with that), has led to 100% eating 100% of the time. I'm only a week in, but that's still pretty big for me. Personally, and I'm a huge HCG fan, I'd do the LR before you do anything else, given my research on leptin.

    You've got this. You can totally do it...if you stay away from the second week "comfies," where you get lax. I know, I'm really one to talk as I'm still in the first week, but I've been there with everything else before. Even HCG. I feel for you. I get it. A lot of other people here do, too...and look how successful they are! Let's do this.
  3. All right...The week-end went ok, but still struggling to follow the prescription...No problem with the BAB, but if I wait to much for lunch, I find myself eating what ever's on sight: chocolate, nuts, cocco manna. Yesterday I binged on cocco manna!! That thing is so expensive, I ate half of the jar in one sitting!! Ewww

    I have to stop foccussing about weight. Everytime I do, I put pressure on myself (ok, I HAVE to loose weight, my clothes doen't fit, summer is coming, blah, blah, blah), I start to binge. Have to come back on earth...What is the goal here? Getting optimal, feeling better, sleeping better and eventualy lifting heavy things again. I love reading Jason Seib posts on Everyday Paleo. He wrote on Scale Addict 2: "Losing weight is not what you want and pursuing a number on your scale is not the path to success....Change your perspective to something healthier. Forever!"

    Will go to bed early tonight and will rock this week :)
  4. Birdy

    Birdy New Member

    If you get way too hungry before lunch in the first few weeks, try some coconut oil. As for me, I'd keep the chocolate out of the house until the reset is over. I thought it was the sugar, but I used to have problems even with the powdered cocoa. It was just a big trigger for me.
  5. Thank's Birdy, will do!!
  6. PaulaRichards

    PaulaRichards New Member

    Hey You! I just wanted to let you know I read what you have wrote. Wow there's a lot of us who have shared similar histories. I hope you're feeling better & know that you're not going through this alone.
  7. Thank's Paula! I do feel better and back on the right track :)
  8. Yesterday went pretty good. The most difficult is not eating at night. I'm having a BAB (up to 75g of protein), light lunch and a decent dinner. I est until I am feel full, and sometimes a little beyond at dinner to make sure I'll be fine in the evening, but yesterday I was hungry a few hours after dinner. Thought about eating crap for a minute, but talked myself out of it and had water instead. Went to bed still hunggry and tried to sleep anyway, but couldn't...

    I got up around 11:30 to get a few bites of salmon, and fell asleep as soon as I went back to bed. Got up once in the night and woke up with the alarm at 8. I usualy wake up by myslef around 7, so I was pretty surprised to hear the alarm!! I feel great this morning, after 2 nights sleeping really good :)

    I miss my cold baths...Might go back to CT tomorrow (working late tonight). I was doing pretty good, could stay in 50-55 degrees water for an hour without shivering and I was warming up in a few minutes. I'm feeloing so sleepy after those sessions, it might help me to sleep even better...
  9. PaulaRichards

    PaulaRichards New Member

    Good for you making it through the evening hungry. Hungry in the evening is a bad time for me...weekends even worse. I can't allow myself to be hungry. That opens me up to cravings! Did you find it hard to start CT? I'm really dreading the cold water! I've been driving to work without turning on the heat in the car; so 30 min each way & it's still COLD in Nova Scotia!!! But the thought of the water :(

    Hope all is going well!
  10. Today went ok...BAB ever: 85g of protein!! Trying to kill the hunger I'm having at night. Ate little for lunch. Wasn't hungry but since I wanted to get in a cold bath, had sardines and avocado and was really full.

    Spend at hour in the tub at 60 degrees, feet in, but was freaking a little after I got out cause my toes where numb, white and really cold! Will go colder next time to go back at 50-55 degrees like last week, but will be more careful with the toes...

    Had curried veggies and shrimps for dinner, ate til full, hopefuly enough to go throught the evening and the night this time. I always tell myself I'll be fine, but find myslef hungry around 9... We'll see tonight how it goes...

    Fifth day with no binging, I feel much better than last week. My mom is coming to visit Sunday and will stay at my place the entire week. She's gonna think I'm really weird eating all that food and taking cold bath... She doesn't know about my bulemia history and all the crap I went through. I feel a little bad not telling her, but I don't know how she would react... :( It's almost all behind me now, but sometimes I'd like to reach out to her to get some support.

    Oki, so it's 8:30 now, lights are down, I'm gonna relax with a book and some ice packs on my belly, while the AC is on (its 39 out...my mom will definetly think I'm crazy! lol Won't be able to turn the AC on while she's here, she's always cold)
  11. Slone07

    Slone07 New Member

    If you feel like telling your mom, it could be very healing for you to do so...I would. And if you don't (or don't tell about all of it)...don't sweat it. Maybe the opportunity will present on its own in a more natural way later. And you know what...if the cold bath feels good, just say so. :) Doesn't have to be loaded up with a huge explanation and science if you're not up for it yet.

    Curry sounds wonderful...I may have to make some tomorrow... And will you please eat my BAB for me? LOL you seem better at it than I am...(but I'm getting there!!!).

    Have a good night, Katy. :)
  12. Thank you Slone for your message... I will see in time if I feel like telling her...My sister and my dad know, but I've always feel less confortable to have real talks with my mom. And it's also really hard to admit to the people you love, showing how vulnerable you are.

    I'd be please to have your BAB. lol. Not really a problem for me. The trick for me is to have a few different sources or protein when possible...Easier to have steak, eggs and salmon than only salmon or only steak. And I'm adding back veggies. I cut them out last week, but I miss my kale in the morning and my veggies with dinner. My sauté was delicious ;) And so easy to do!!

    Have a good day!! :)
  13. The good news this morning: the BAB from yesterday did the job, I went to bed last night with no hunger. I felt I could have skipped lunch, but not sure if a good idea right now. I might keep it very small just to make just I don't get home for dinner starving.

    The bad news: went to bed around 10:45, aslept by 11:30, and wide awake at 3:00 :( And that was it. 3 and half an hour of sleep. I was feeling so sleepy after CT yesterday afternoon!! I know cortisol is the culprit and wreck all the party. Anyway, I'll survive I guess.

    I'm having my BAB: liver, eggs and kale. And deca coffee with cream. The bath tub is filling up, I'll try to get in there for an hour, and this afternoon I'm going hiking with a friend, enjoying the nice weather we have here (a sunny 40F/5C).

    Wanted to weight myself this morning, but I'll wait until I have a full night sleep and feel good as I get up. I rarely weight myself so it's not a problem, but thought I just monitor it from time to time...Not in a hurry though, the last time I almost had a heart attack ;)
  14. OMG- how come the tub fills up faster when I'm away doing my things than when I'm sitting in it waiting for the water to go up??? LOL

    I almost made a BIG mess in the bathroom...and in my neighbor on the second floor's one also I guess. Oupsy ;)
  15. PaulaRichards

    PaulaRichards New Member

    Enjoy your hiking. I read your whole story. You've been through a lot. It's great that we found Dr. Kruse & all these people willing to share their experiences. I was running late this morning so didn't get to take the ice packs for the drive today. But it's so darn cold here my fingers were red just from driving without the heat on.

    I have a good feeling we're going to do well with all of this. It may not be a perfect journey but that's okay. We're going to get there & be so happy we stuck it out!
  16. BAB: liver, eggs and kale (85 g of protein)

    Lunch: avocado and chocolate (oupsss)

    Dinner: shrimps, beef and veggies

    CT: 45 minutes in 55 degrees water

    Went to bed at 11:30 and slept 9 hours!! wow!! :)

    Didn't go hiking, the place was too muddy :( Went for half an hour walk before bed.

    Good day overall, even if pretty tired bc of the 3 hours sleep the previous night.
  17. BAB: liver, eggs, kale

    Lunch: eggs, bacon, fruits and potatoes (at restaurant with friends). Had some chocolate also :( Was feeling dizzy right after I had the potatoes. When it's in my plate, I have a hard time not touching it.

    Dinner: tuna and salad (again at restaurant!!). Ate around 9...It's 11:30 and I'm really full

    CT after bf, but was shivering from the start and got out after 20 minutes. Wanted to do some more after lunch but didn't happen.

    Was feeling guilty about chocolate, potatoes and fruits, but talked myself out of it so it didn't turn into a binge. I've had to much? It's too late, next time I'll avoid it or I'll have a smaller portion, and now I'm focussing on the next meal that should be the more paleo/VLC possible. No need to ruin the entire day for that, try to make sure you stay on track the rest of the day. Good job :)

    Going to bed right now, very tired.
  18. MamaGrok

    MamaGrok New Member

    How's the fat in your BAB?

    Are you doing some natural cortisol things, like sunlight on the eye first thing, total darkness at night, bright sun in mid-day if possible, even if just for a minute, ...? It definitely takes time and those mid-night awakenings can be the suck till it fixes itself. Some people also notice certain supplements at the wrong times can keep them awake, like Vit D at night.

    Just an idea that came to me, and this may not work for you, but I wonder if it might help to give yourself permission to have a *little* focus on weight. What if, instead of expecting to lose weight *now*, you make it a goal to lose 10lb in 6 months? (I know it's always hard for me to do that, b/c I want to have that "moderate, reasonable" loss of 1-2lb/month "they" always talk about, but that never happens for me.)

    That way, you do have weight as a (background) focus, and can maybe then give yourself permission to quit expecting it today. After all, my weight loss happens in stalls & spurts - nothing for a month, then 3lb, then nothing for a month, then 2lb ... so I can't expect to lose this week, or next (but I might), but by the end of six months, something will probably happen.

    LOL, if I had ever known, two years ago at nearly 190lb, that it would take TWO YEARS to lose 50lb, I would have cried my head off, but ... it's better than two years going by with the same old same old, not losing, and more importantly, not having control over binges, not sleeping well, not able to go 2hrs without eating, not able to follow the nourishing diets I believe in, not having energy to play with my children, not being able to hike, not being able to get off the couch, still having dry rough skin, still melting down every evening around 6 o'clock ...
  19. PaulaRichards

    PaulaRichards New Member

    MamaGrok, I think that advise is bang-on! I, too can't expect the 1-2 lb/week weight loss. Some weeks, maybe, some months perhaps nothing & in the past that would lead to a "why both Binge"!
  20. (MammaGrok, I don't know how to respond with quotes!!) ;)

    I cook eggs in CO, and that's about it...It is enough??

    About the cortisol issue things...Yes...doing all that...Vit D at morning also...I've seen great improvement in the last months. Not still quit there, but it's coming.

    I could try it your idea on mini-focussing on weight...Weighting myself is a huge stressor for me, I get frustrated and it has often lead to binges in the past. I try not to concentrate on aesthetic goals, telling myself I'm not doing this to lose weight but to feel better. If the weight comes off, I'll be happy, and if it doesn't, well, I'll have to accept myself like that. I have focussed so much on my weight on the past, I don't want to define myself as a number on a scale anymore. Of course, I want to lose weight, but the journey here should be about treating my body the way it deserves it, and once everything falls into place, the weight should come off. I wish I could be, let's say, at 145 by my birthday (beginning of June), but don't want to think about it too much cause if it goes up, I'm just gonna be mad at myself :(

    I've got a question for you...I'm curently reading your whole journey on MDA (now on page 32), it really encourages me. Even with your struggles, you're always improving and you don't give up!! I read that you don't use shampoo at all...What are you cleaning your hair with? Only water??

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