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louise's journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by louise, Aug 28, 2014.

  1. louise

    louise New Member

    aw thank you ladies, im glad I have realised exactly how much fat I need to eat to conquer negativity, cravings, anxiety and general feelings of crappyness-----im safer to avoid all media for the time being because any little article about the dangers of animal foods, saturated fat etc will just weaken my resolve-----these articles can make me question my own instinct and other people asking "oh you haven't had a heart attack yet then ???" no I haven't so just bugger off back to your low fat fruit salad.
    the long sunny days are helping things along nicely mind----this is where it all went wrong last autumn so im going to keep that in mind
    my bedroom is blacked out but I have a sleep mask but my sleep needs some serious overhaul---its rubbish---one full night, one poor night seems to be the general pattern but im trying to keep the orange glasses on at sunset and I have moved my last eating time to roughly 4.30pm as this may help.
    inches seem to be disappearing off my hips---35" this morning and waist is just 30" without holding my breath---woohoo!!!!!
    normal activity levels all day just doing usual stuff--walking, gardening, house stuff etc
    cant think of anything else except I want to thank dr kruse for making this info accessible for people like me who would never have discovered the importance of light, timing and fat without stumbling upon your blog---so "thank you"
    yesterday a young overweight girl delivered me a parcel and we have a large front garden with a slight incline and she was visibly panting and sweating--moaned to me about how this sun does her in and what a hard day she was having getting in and out of her car with parcels for people-----I have thought about her all day and how different her life would be if she would one day come across this stuff and be brave enough to try it out even when everyone around her is telling her she must be crazy........
    the bluebells are just coming out in the woods and the birds are singing all day here in u.k now.......lately it feels like my heart is singing also.........
  2. nicld

    nicld Gold

    You are doing so great. Have you gone back and read the first couple of entries in your blog? It is hard to see how far we have come until we look back and see how bad we were.

    Love the new pic too.
    louise likes this.
  3. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    What Nicole said......xo
  4. louise

    louise New Member

    its been so long since I wrote in my journal that I couldn't find it!!!!
    I need to write here about how I have been allowing others to screw up my epi paleo life....... since my last post I have spent my time on the road to optimal trying to get to bed earlier than my usual 2am.....wearing my sleep mask, being outdoors in sun and having the BEST tan of my life.......I can spend all day out in sun now ( ok its wales so we don't go much above 25 degrees anyway) but I used to burn within 10 mins before and always had to use sun screen.
    eating bits of fruit now as berries are starting to appear in my village and still keeping up my sea food intake
    barefoot whenever I can and not giving a damn if people think im weird......shoes are fuckin weird if you ask me.......
    anyway iwas back on track which I knew was possible in the summer until.....
    an old friend came to stay at a great time as he helped us with the garden and also our oldest son was here helping to dig it over ....it was a load of brambly blackberry bushes and trees that needed cutting back etc
    our friend and his girlfriend were only here a week and in that time I reduced myself to eating wheat , sugar, rice, and smoking opium .....for fucks sake ..... oh yeah and staying up til all hours as opium is not a sleep inducing substance at all....it has opposite effect on me
    I had to keep the wifi on all hours as my visitors seemed unable to cope without constantly looking at their mobiles.....what on earth do people find to do on these devices.....they would look at their mobiles immediately on waking
    also my fridge was filled with various low fat milks and yogurts etc
    I couldn't wait for them all to go and feeling stressed at this then my own drug habit got a bit of a bashing to say the least
    so where am I at now......well im wondering if I will ever fully enjoy my friends company again......I prefer to be alone up the woods or just in my garden with hubby.....he also allowed others to weaken him and ended up with a bad chest and fatigue
    we both are sick to death of everyone we know with their daft mobile addiction and carb munching ways
    we have made a promise to not let this happen again and as hubby said " if they don't like it then they can fuck off"......they wont be able to leave mobiles at home and eat our fish and fats so they will probably fuck off.......
    I don't need other peoples company anyway.......
    I might not come on here much but I think about this stuff I learnt on here EVERYDAY.....it consumes me most days and it helps with my opiate addiction as it makes me feel so damn good I don't need much mind altering shit anymore but.......
    it must have been the wifi being on constantly and the late nights that made me feel like I just HAD to eat white carbs and smoke opiates
    at least I stuck to my blublockers at night and didn't get interrogated......but WHY did it matter to me that I was going to be asked questions or deemed to appear weird and strange
    its simple to me and hubby now ( he asked me to get him blublockers last week...yay after 18months) we have to stick to our principles and if we lose old friends then so be it as my old friends aint gonna help us when we get alzheimers or cancer are they ?????
    Jude and nicld like this.
  5. fitness@home

    fitness@home Silver


    Great to hear from you Louise. You know what to do, just get back on the horse... (or fish, in this case!)
    louise likes this.
  6. louise

    louise New Member

    oh yes forgot to say that I have got my tits out in the sun and been sunbathing topless in my garden which is mostly secluded but im not sure and I don't care anyway as nobody is gonna knock my door and ask me to put them away im sure
    Its amazing and I love it....I have been too scared, self conscious, worried about others seeing me and all those insecurities that come with not doing the things you really want to but just cant because of others opinions......its what I needed to stop the negative self talk that I allowed with my visitors. it stops now.
    caroline, thisbirdhaswings and nicld like this.
  7. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    so very happy to see a new post here Louise! You are so lovely and I have missed you! xoxo
    louise likes this.
  8. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Self-consciousness kills self communication. Once you become self-conscious, there is no end to it; once you start to doubt, there is no room for anything else. “Nobody can say anything about you. Whatsoever people say is about themselves. But you become very shaky, because you are still clinging to a false center. That false center depends on others, so you are always looking to what people are saying about you. And you are always following other people, you are always trying to satisfy them. You are always trying to be respectable, you are always trying to decorate your ego. This is suicidal. Rather than being disturbed by what others say, you should start looking inside yourself…

    Whenever you are self-conscious you are simply showing that you are not conscious of the self at all. You don’t know who you are. If you had known, then there would have been no problem— then you are not seeking opinions. Then you are not worried what others say about you— it is irrelevant!

    When you are self-conscious you are in trouble. When you are self-conscious you are really showing symptoms that you don’t know who you are. Your very self-consciousness indicates that you have not come home yet.”
    Haley, louise and nicld like this.
  9. nicld

    nicld Gold

    Good for you!!!!!

    I wore my blue blockers at night at an outdoor music festival and I did not care about the flack I got. It is my health and my life. I have found as I have aged that I really try not to give an EFF what people think. It is very freeing.
    louise likes this.
  10. louise

    louise New Member

    hello ladies, thanks for your input, it always means a lot to me
    and yes dr kruse , being self conscious sometimes does land me in trouble as I just do stuff to please others and not myself
    actually to be honest Im cringing at the thought of you reading my journal with all the swearing ( you know how it is,women shouldn't use that type of language...well that's how I was brought up anyway but I didn't listen much )
    its that problem about always wanting to appear respectable and feeling so damn uncomfortable around a lot of people ( an awful lot of people if im truly honest), and not being open about my past .....it didn't help that I made a friend I really liked not long after leaving rehab and after much um and ahhing I told her about my life and guess what... I never saw her again....that made me very cautious around people......also hearing others opinions of drug users etc etc
    it took me ages to write this journal on here and I really NEED to be part of this forum but my own stupid self consciousness really holds me back because I fear what others will think......why the hell else would I be reluctant to post comments on peoples threads or take part .....I have often felt a fraud as there are so many people suffering with serious illnesses on here and for me its simple enough.....just stop the opiates.......but I cant, I really really cannot stop......makes me feel fuckin pathetic writing it down in black and white for all to see
    im very cagey in most of my posts about my drug use at the moment and usually try to skip past it.....its a huge issue, it controls my life, I cannot go anywhere without it , I cant even join in an online forum like this properly.
    anyways, thanks so much you lovely people who comment on my journal.....I have been more open and honest in this journal than I have for many many years...most of my friends ( non users who know my past but not my present) don't have a clue as to what is happening in my life at the moment, they think im clean and teetotal ( I am teetotal) and I must give the impression of being healthy because of the weightloss, better skin, tanned etc ....... so my friendships are futile, sterile, dead really because I don't share problems.
    hmm just re read this and its very muddled but it needs to be posted
    must be that old self consciousness trying to stop me posting lol xxxxx
    nonchalant likes this.
  11. fitness@home

    fitness@home Silver

    Louise, you have more guts than you think. We are all here for different reasons and on some level each of us fights our own demons.

    I can relate to your "fear what other people think". The first 30 years of my life it was more of any issue than I care to admit :) My teenage years were the worst! Can you say social anxiety?
    louise likes this.
  12. SeaHorse

    SeaHorse Gold

    Don't stop posting.... write as you are......you are dealing with something huge....don't diminish what you're struggling with...many people have no idea how powerful this kind of addiction is....
    louise likes this.
  13. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Hi Louise .....as Fitness said - you don't know what demons people are dealing with. Cut yourself some slack girl! You are a lovely, intelligent woman with an issue. Do you , somehow, think we are all perfect?

    You write so well - and you can help so many. You never know who is reading your story. There are a lot of people who read only and don't post at all. It takes a lot of guts to do what you are doing....please, please don't stop.

    sending you a huge hug just for being you xoxoxo
    nicld and louise like this.
  14. louise

    louise New Member

    i just lost a post
  15. louise

    louise New Member

    just checking its working now, im logged in
  16. nicld

    nicld Gold

    Fuck what people think....... The past two years I have actually been doing that and it is great.
    louise and caroline like this.
  17. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    What Nicole said!!!!!!^^^^^

    Don't ever forget the "WTF" rule

    That is one of my biggest takeaways from JK

    surround yourself with positive people ....you have to let the others go. This has been a game changer for me!

    This is one from JK that I love....

    "You are welcome to come into my life at any time ...you are also welcome to leave at any time.....
    Just don't stand in the doorway - you are blocking traffic!"
    louise and nicld like this.
  18. louise

    louise New Member

    here is an update
    I have a gro light ready to use every morning now that the u.v light has ended here in u.k.....I hope this helps my mood this winter
    have finally been tanning NUDE out in the fields .....and also hubby too.....so amazing, I totally love it and cant wait for next summer to do it again.....I think we had the wettest summer for years in u.k this year but every hot day I was out in the sun and managed a decent tan which nobody believed I had managed to get in this country
    some sad things happened....my 86yr old mother had a T.I.A but has made full recovery and now on warfarin....she very tough old lady and im in awe of her actually
    my darling dog was put down as he poisoned himself somehow so I have been walking on my own and its lonely...... but I contacted a charity where you are matched with a dog owner who is too disabled or ill to take their dog out and hopefully they will get back to me.
    hubby and I are planning some winter sun somewhere.....not sure where but he is well enough now to go on holiday.....woohoo cant wait for that
    have been having cold showers every evening for a few weeks to see if it helps my sleep but im not sure yet as there are other factors involved in my poor sleep issues and I don't want to talk about that in this post as im feeling positive and upbeat nearly everyday lately......have spent soooooo much time outdoors lately tho and this is huge for me
    so now im going to see what the winter brings and use my new light every a.m and look into tanning booths as well
    I tried a few raw oysters this summer.....eeeuuuurrrrgggggghhhhhhh........baby steps louise, baby steps
    am pleased to see that where I live has almost no colour on the map for the mobile networks.....cant remember the website.....anyway its a country coastal area so poor coverage and we have no wifi signal in our house either
    the smart meters are coming next year but I asked and have been told nobody has to have them here.....we can refuse, we will see
  19. louise

    louise New Member

    and also the pmt stuff has been non existent again, I haven't put on any weight.....in fact I had dropped another 7lbs without even realising so im now approx. 137lbs and waist is 29 inches and hips are 36......I still cant believe this, im still totally fascinated by how I lost the weight and am not struggling to keep it off like in the past.....I will NEVER tire of looking at myself in the mirror now ......I don't care if that sounds vain and shallow because I hated my appearance before
    I had been taking Siberian ginseng for few weeks and it made me bleed mid cycle but helped with energy levels......since I stopped it back in april then my cycle has been normal......it had never done that to me before as I have used it occasionally over the years as a energy tonic.
    will update about my light when I can as we gave/lent our laptop to eldest son for a while and now we have no internet access unless we go library.
    hubby asked for blublockers and we are getting some proper ones in few weeks ....I have cheap uvex pair and im suspicious of them so would rather fork out for what I believe to be good ones
    hubby and I have been going out on his motorbike this summer again....he was in too much pain to ride it before....so this has been amazing and brought back lots of memories when we were young and carefree !!!!!!! altho not single
    hope everyone is doing good and following the epi paleo way, lots of love and hugs to all xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
    nicld likes this.
  20. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    I am so very happy for you Louise ....what awesome progress for you and your DH!!! xoxo

    Isn't it wonderful when you can look at yourself and not be grossed out??!! Your hubby must be loving all the great changes in you and especially his own health wins.

    Thanks for this great and very positive update!

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