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louise's journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by louise, Aug 28, 2014.

  1. louise

    louise New Member

    yes that's completely true as I did fight against nature this winter by wanting to be indoors warm under fake light.....yes its very true
    I have the nuts and they are ready for any carb cravings but yesterday my BAB was enough and my dinner at 5.30pm-----I did have a bit of a moment at about 4pm so I went inside and put music on loudly and danced around like a mad woman for 5minutes and the carby crazies were forgotten.....it felt good just dancing around.
    I spent both last 2 days outside nearly all day and I had my glasses on as soon as sun went down but my sleep was the worst last night its been for ages-----I cut opiate tea down by half and really felt it but I think the quicker the better and just get it over and done with now
    I used my magnesium oil again and will do so everyday now
    good mood also with lots love and laughter ----its obvious now that both myself and hubby have slipped into some sort of winter blues slump, staying in and blah blah blah---not good
    we seem to have turned a corner where general mood is concerned anyway so things will improve and I will keep focused towards September this year to avoid anymore slip ups happening
    I measured myself today
    inches bust, waist, hips---34, 30,36 and 23 for each thigh so no weight gained during winter----this is a FIRST for this as I normally have resumed eating carbs and whoosh.....20lbs gained without me knowing where its come from lol !!!!
    altho the 30" for my waist was with me holding my breath !!!!!!
    the day is drawing to an end so im just going out for a walk now.....xxxxxxxxxx
     
    caroline likes this.
  2. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Love it Louise :) :) :)
    You see? You already know what to do :) and what went wrong :)
    dancing help so much... I know... ;) I use it as medicine too :) (but only when no one sees...haha.. except my cat is allowed for audience :D )
     
    Kristi Lambert and nicld like this.
  3. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    wonderful to get back on track Louise ...it is easy to get in a rut in the winter unless we really guard against it.
    Even here in Oz with all the sunshine - the season changes get me.
     
  4. rgp888

    rgp888 New Member

    macadamias in butter ... mmmmmmmmmmm :)
     
  5. louise

    louise New Member

    yay its been a good week
    have now been free of all narcotics for 2 days-----the first time in 5 YEARS oh my god its been a hard deep hole to get out of this time and I didn't think I would make it ( had been chasing the dragon only few weeks ago)
    I have stuck to the leptin rules, kicked the carbs , got myself to bed earlyish (10.30pm) and been able to sleep and getting up and straight out in daylight
    its helped a great deal that the sun has been out and I spent all day in my garden and out in fields etc but today has been rainy and damp but I still went out nearly all day
    I may be having the drug free highs at the moment and also no wheat or dairy for a few days which usually results in some kind of hyper excited totally ott happiness but I can usually hold onto this mood and keep the momentum going
    energy has been much better and more normal as in feeling bouncy in morning and slowing down at night with fewer slumps in the day---the bigger my BAB then the more stabilised my energy is
    the blublockers are on every night and I meditate when I go to bed---couldn't manage without this
    have kept up the gentle stretching barefoot on grass in morning and I have always liked the tapping technique as it seems to energise me.
    not sure about cold showers as I only have portable r/o system for drinking and cooking h2o ----its a good excuse really as I don't want to get cold but I know if I want to keep my health I may have very little choice----I was looking at the river today and shuddered at the mere thought of dipping my toes in--urghhhhhh
    for now im just going to keep to leptin rules and get to bed before 10.30pm--this is a huge deal for me at the moment and all I need to be content everyday is a good night sleep---it simple for me, im happy when I sleep well and I have good energy all day and im not asking for any miracles or to look like a 20year old again
    oh yes and to NOT take narcotics anymore to make my life better---these little f...... evil things have governed my life for too long and its been a very destructive love affair---it has been a love affair, I cant actually imagine life without it ever again.......its my nemesis
     
    caroline, shah78 and cantweight like this.
  6. louise

    louise New Member

    yes macadamias in butter sounds mmmmmmm
     
  7. louise

    louise New Member

    its almost 10.30pm and I actually am looking forward to going to bed.........never ever has this happened.........I have stuck with my meditation every night and im finding its a hugely indulgent time where its all about ME ME ME and I like this, it makes me feel happy inside and something really pleasant and enjoyable to have in my life.
    I have practised on and off for over 14yrs since leaving rehab in 2000 but have never felt this strong urge for it before......this feels good and I stuck my blublockers on much earlier tonight so im hoping for a good sleep..............I love you dr. k !!!!!!!!
     
    fitness@home, caroline and cinnamon like this.
  8. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    simply awesome Louise! xo
     
  9. louise

    louise New Member

    all junkies I know now and ones from the past have all had really baaaaaadddddd guts.......so I have just kept my fingers crossed and prayed that mine will still keep trundling along with no problems.....which they have.....until earlier today
    I didn't know there was a solar eclipse this morning as I don't watch news, listen radio, internet blah blah, social media.......I really did not know until I put my p.c on to write this........for the first time in my life I had horrible gut pain this morning......maybe around time of eclipse......it was sharp, cramping and I broke out in cold sweat and went deathly grey colour.......I know all junkies are hypochondriacs but Im not exaggerating.......it passed after 5 minutes and im ok now but I presume I had a message from the universe today to try and tell me to stop playing Russian roulette with my health
    I can do the low carb, leptin, fish, fish, fish until I cant bear to look at another fish, be out in sun barefoot( this is heaven to me anyway so not exactly a chore) im going to bed earlier and wearing blublockers and I don't use any technology, prefer to be in my garden , music or reading
    but the f....... drugs are still there and they don't seem to be going anywhere.......I know my gut pain is from this.....I have waited long enough for it and just thought I had been lucky to avoid it until now.
    I have bone broths etc so will make a conscious effort now to include more of them daily and and and and.....ffs louise just stop the drugs as these are what are really fucking your guts up and stop making pathetic excuses so you can carry on taking this crap because that's what this is really all about today.....totally pissed off that my drug taking days are going to be coming to an end and im going to have to find other stuff to fulfil me.....I must have some big, gaping hole somewhere in my life but I cant for the life of me think what it is......I have good, no very very good caring loving husband, great mother son relationships with my boys, my parents love me, I enjoy fun social times with my old friends and also some new friends, im not shy or lack confidence and I have the material things that I need without struggling to pay bills etc and I can enjoy time on my own walking with my dog, I appreciate music, books film etc and im not narrow minded when it comes to trying out new stuff ( e.g writing this journal is way out of my comfort zone ) so after looking at all those things in my life I really do think I have some sort of screw loose or im some spoilt child who likes to throw her toys out of her pram -----im having difficulty seeing drug addiction as a REAL disease and im likening it to my recent carb addiction which I didn't even have to think about.....I just stopped ......so why the fuck cant I just stop using......is it going to take 2-3 years until I have enough dha in my brain...........and how did I kick it in 1999 when I wasn't eating any good food and a world with no wi-fi ..........yes I did stay up late tho with blue light and I still stopped using.......for nearly 10 years I was clean completely.......I gave up weed and tobacco 12 years ago and alcohol ( never bothered much by these substances anyway so they were easy to stop)
    I never craved it or thought about it either during those 10 years-----I would give my heart and soul to be able to go back to feel like that about heroin again....to get thru days without a fleeting thought and when I would remember it would make me shudder with disgust
    I feel physically well also ( apart from the gut ache this morning) I don't have any excuse as in "urgh I feel crappy today so lets get high" . nothing hurts or aches or pains me
    so I will just carry on with my early nights, no blulight etc etc and see how it goes
    also keep up my meditation and the bits of chi kung I have started
    maybe book a massage or acupuncture........
    maybe just try saying "im not taking anything today"...........
     
  10. louise

    louise New Member

    everyday I do say to myself " I am not going to use today " until 4-5 pm and then my resolve breaks.......I was taught to go and do something else when the craving strikes.......nothing difficult or mysterious about that.......
     
  11. louise

    louise New Member

    this picture is my hubby with shadow out for walk in snow when we moved to country 4 years ago.......it says the file is too large to post my photos on my journal so will use my avatar instead
     
  12. SeaHorse

    SeaHorse Gold

    Louise….would posting here at 4:00 every day be a way to ride through that urge to use and come out the other side…..every time you change a pattern you are changing your whole self…..lots of empathy from me for that process…..think of all the changes you have made, amazing! Your brain is remodelling…I think of new behaviours acting as a boost of dopamine. We need that consistently to keep making the right decisions…maybe make a list of new things you could refer to, so that you don't have to think to0 hard before trying one….just a few thoughts sent with love
     
  13. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    For me - I need to eat around 4:00 pm. Something about that time....

    Have you thought of doing movnat type stuff when you are out walking with your dog?
    xoxo
     
  14. louise

    louise New Member

    things are looking up , small changes etc having a big impact----will update later today.....time passes quickly and my journal gets forgotten
    thank you seahorse...im a great believer in trying new things to boost my dopamine......I have been thinking of a few ways over the last week
    I will look up movant thanks caroline....xxxxxxxx
     
    nicld, caroline and fitness@home like this.
  15. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    looking forward to your update ....xo
     
  16. louise

    louise New Member

    im feeling great
    I started eating a lot more coconut oil and fatty smoothies, drinking way more water and upping my seafood intake and its made a helluva difference to my mood and appetite
    I had enough of craving carbs some days so I don't think I was eating enough saturated fat to curb the cravings........so I decided to change things around a bit and got a blender and tried coconut milk with lots of coco oil and no dairy fat this time ( I was having a coco oil and kerrygold coffee everyday and now I think that dairy is a no-no for me)
    im having the fatty smoothie with my fish for BAB and its given me total food freedom all day.......im still in shock over this.......I think I have been a bit careful with the fat before because I just held onto my old beliefs without even realising it........I just was not eating any where near enough fat
    also it has been really sunny and pretty hot where I live for the last few days and im able to sit in the sun all day ( or being out in it) without it making me uncomfortably hot, sweaty, burnt etc.......I have an amazing tan with absolutely no redness or burn or hot skin at all.......im totally shocked as before last yeari had been a shade and hide from the sun kind of girl......I hated hot sunny days.....now im out first thing and cant wait to strip off.......believe me, this is totally out of character for me and I thought after my hellish winter that maybe I would not be able to tan again this summer.......and wow its still only spring
    I have conquered any anxiety I was still having as a few stressful things have happened the last 2 weeks and im in shock again as to how easily im coping with it
    sleep is slowly improving but has a long way to go still
    my nails have stopped splitting
    however I did get myself some Siberian ginseng tincture for my flagging energy and I have nearly finished the bottle and I had a period right on day 13 of my cycle......this is something that has never happened to me before and for 2 days my boobs were little tender......I stopped the ginseng as my energy is back now anyway so I will wait and see what happens next month........I don't take supplements except the oil of magnesium on my skin and I have great lakes collagen that I add to broths.....I also drink various herbal teas all day like ginger, rosehip, nettle, mint, lemon balm, valerian.......so yeah it could be the ginseng
    anyway also kept off my laptop, didn't put t.v on, no newspapers, radio etc and it has been blissful.
    lots grounding as we have fabulous weather in wales for april......the bluebells are just flowering in the woods and the meadows and a pair of doves are nesting in next doors fir trees.....my garden has butterflies and bees already and im really happy and content at the moment......my brain feels quiet and calm......I need this badly and yes its helping me cut my drug use down to nearly nothing.......it will happen very soon, I can feel it.
     
    nicld, Linz, caroline and 3 others like this.
  17. fitness@home

    fitness@home Silver

    Great update louise. You're doing great!
     
  18. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    love, love love it!!! :D:D:D
    go girl!
     
  19. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Amazing, Louise..... I knew you can do it :) :) :)
     
  20. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Love your new avatar... you are glowing :)
     

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