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louise's journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by louise, Aug 28, 2014.

  1. Kristi Lambert

    Kristi Lambert New Member

    xoxoxox Louise :love:
     
  2. Lahelada

    Lahelada New Member

    Welcome back Louise. Everything js doable and you are in the right place. Don't talk yourself down ,just get down to it. You already know what to do and just ask if you don't .
    Xoxo
     
  3. louise

    louise New Member

    hello ladies thank you. im glad to be back posting here....its a good place to vent some of my frustration and anger at the moment......I really am not a whiny whingy old moaner but sometimes it helps to blurt it all out......I do find writing this stuff very therapeutic and actually missed it . I did sort of look at the latest blog about circadian cycles and I know without doubt that my cortisol is upside down and my melatonin is probly non existent ...oh and im out of most neurotransmitters also......this is what it feels like in my brain the last few weeks.
    it is not normal behaviour to have to walk your dog around forest at 1.30 in the morning because you are feeling so angry at everything and its burning a hole inside you and only crying loudly and walking really fast gets rid of it......im not nuts im just feeling a bit vulnerable I suppose and seems to blame myself for allowing this mess to happen again this winter.
    it happens every winter......well it has since I turned back to drugs a few years ago and they sort of taper off as the summer comes and I can bounce back to normal and have some natural energy......but im getting on at 51 and I don't want to behave like this anymore......I know too many peoplemy age with serious diseases and I fear I will be next......and FOR GOD SAKE WHY CANT I JUST GO TO BED EARLY AND GET UP EARLY....its not too hard a task......my sleep is awful even if I have been taking drugs and that's a real shocker to me as I always could sleep for hours altho what type of sleep it is I don't know.
    so what have I done today.....I got up at 9am ( ugh early!!!!! but had been awake since dawn and didn't sleep til gone 2am I think)
    I took my dog out down fields after a quick bit of fish and some bpc and spent some time there with a good bright sunlight in my eyes....it felt good and I have missed it as I become like some hermit in the winter not really venturing outside much
    I had no patience for any meditation or chi kung so that will have to wait but managed a bit of tapping especially on my scalp...I did spend about an hour in bright sun this p.m in the garden so it was a massive improvement.
    the blublockers are back on and the t.v is well and truly switched orrrffffffff!!!!!!!!! and im listening to genesis instead
    I shall go to bed at 11pm and just lie there and if I can I will practise the muscle relaxation meditation technique I learnt a long time ago and does help sometimes if im consistent....oh yes and some oxy !!!!! that is still ok especially when I give up or cut back on the opiate it can feel more intense sometimes
    so here I have to be truth ful and say that I cant give up the drugs yet but I did cut down today and its been minimal....there no heroin use or anything too heavy now, its quite a mild amount really but very much needed....so I will just have to accept it for now and keep plodding on with the light and dark stuff
    lots love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
    nicld likes this.
  4. louise

    louise New Member

    aw thanks for this I have just read it and that's a lovely thing to say xxxxxxxx
     
    rgp888 likes this.
  5. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Good morning from Oz Louise ....I will come back later!

    I love how you are keeping it real xo
     
  6. louise

    louise New Member

    hello caroline, its nice to speak with you again
    the drugs I take are heroin or methadone at the really dark times and I cut myself down with oxycodone,oramorph and then at the end I make a tea from dried out papaver somniferum which I just cut the dosage down daily until its half gram and then I just sweat it out for a few days
    its the last bit I cant seem to get to grips with this time, its always worked before but its getting harder and harder every time I f... up you know.......its just a cop out really caroline and there no need for it as I have few life problems , life is pretty good at the moment for me and my family as there are no major dramas to deal with
    crappy sleep and some anxiety issues are my main issues but there is lack of energy in day and hyperactive at night aswell
    it must have been the dark days of winter that prompted this relapse so im going to be vigilant next December and try to by pass this little blip and keep my feet firmly on epi paleo ground
    hope you are good and I will pop by your journal soon....you are going into autumn now...do you feel any different by this, does it have any affect for you ????
     
  7. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Yep - seasonal changes do me in. Please don't say it is a cop out - you are a very strong woman.
    obviously your Rolex isn't working correctly - you already know that.
    Have you tried tanning beds? a lite box? that inter nasal lite thingy?

    I have to go out - but will be back later! xo
     
  8. louise

    louise New Member

    hilah, yes I agree everything is doable, it just needs some thought and organisation beforehand, I do know what to do and im so mad at myself for not doing it and being just a bit too cocky and complacent sometimes and thinking "it will be alright " "its only a bit of light, it cant harm me that much".....urghhhhh what a sucker !!!!!!!! xxxxxxxx
     
  9. louise

    louise New Member

    hi Kristi, it great to see you still here, I was so impressed at your very exceptionally organized concise journal and IM GONNA HAVE ONE TOO !!!!!! im really going to try and be as organised as you and maybe make lists or something I don't know, do you do lists of what to get on with and work thru them methodically because it seems like from your journal. you are doing amazing and im truly inspired to get back to it xxxxxxlots love xxxxxx
     
    Kristi Lambert likes this.
  10. louise

    louise New Member

    omg a tanning bed!!!!! really ????? no I don't know bout these things because I didn't realise til last week that the winter screws me every year and I only saw a post by dr k yesterday about seasonal decline in health and I connected the dots.....I will look up the box and nasal lite then, thank you caroline xxxxxxxx
     
    fitness@home likes this.
  11. Kristi Lambert

    Kristi Lambert New Member

    Wow, thanks, Louise, I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me :):cool::p:D
     
  12. louise

    louise New Member

    bed last night---11.30pm ( 3hours earlier than usual) after blublockers on for 3hrs---felt restless for about 1hr---tried muscle relax/tense meditation and next thing I knew it was 7.30am-----had roughly 10g herbal tea ( will call it this as you all know what im talking about here) last night tho before bed so sleep was not restorative but did feel good when I woke.
    got up 8.30am, 300g approx. wild salmon gently steamed and bpc
    out down fields with dog, sun was bright, just stood there and enjoyed the moment
    , it was good---legs felt light and stronger and walked around for a while, tried to do some standing pole but had a little wtf moment and gave in.
    was able to spend time in garden and also dog walked later in afternoon in woods----sun still bright.
    strangely I shovelled 4 small squares of some milk chocolate ?? in my mouth at 2pm for no real reason , I really didn't feel like it was calling me but it must have been.
    lots ordinary herbal tea during day like ginger, meadowsweet ,nettle etc
    more salmon and green veg at 6pm
    listening to quadrophenia by The Who now with my glasses on ---it 7.40
    mood today-positive, calm and genuinely cheerful
    tonights reading--standing pole technique or my old chi kung for health and vitality or maybe just chat with hubby and have some fun !!!
     
    Kristi Lambert likes this.
  13. nonchalant

    nonchalant Silver

    Love the new pic, Louise!
     
    louise likes this.
  14. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Good morning Louise - great new pic!
     
    louise likes this.
  15. louise

    louise New Member

    thanks I took it last year (the pic) xxxx
    today has been lousy ................
     
  16. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    just saying "Hi" I wish I could give you a hug....what would make your day better?
     
    louise likes this.
  17. louise

    louise New Member

    woke up 8am, got up 8.30 and had some water and bpc out in garden as sun was shining!!!!!yay
    BAB liver, bacon, eggs mushrooms
    down fields with dog, lots sunlight, did some tapping and gentle stretching----kept my boots on today but they are off tomorrow and I will enjoy the wet cool grass on my feet instead
    spent most of day in garden in gorgeous sunshine in strappy top--it was warm and I felt good
    took dog back out in sunset
    I am going back to plain paleo as I cant do epi paleo at this moment and I need some nuts or coconut flakes etc rather than cave into cakes!!!!!!!
    I still eat fish everyday and bone broth, seaweed etc but I need some carby stuff otherwise I feel like crap
    so a small handful macadamias from shop so not soaked but hey its damage limitation
    last meal at 6.30pm
    blublockers on
    mood today was stable
    opiate use was as minimal as I could manage and the trend is definitely downward
     
    caroline and nicld like this.
  18. nicld

    nicld Gold

    You will beat this, you are strong!!!!
     
  19. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Louise, nuts and coconut are epi paleo too ;) just try to get raw and organic, fresh nuts, not the roasted or pestizided crap ;)
    and you need seafood!!!!! Great that you are spending time outside... you need it,, we all do..... do not forget to watch up in the heaven and let the light in.. and yes, take the shoes off :)

    Do you have magnesium oil? It is GREAT for relaxing! Or epsom salt... baths, or just put it on your skin (mixed with water, as a toner, that is what I do since I have no bathtub)
    I use magnesium oil (I make it myself from magnesium chloride pharma grade and water, very cheap - i kg costs me 7 € and I get a LOT of magnesium oil from that!) now every day and it is sooo relaxing, it has helped many people with anxiety too. It could help you go earlier to bed..... ;)
    Massage your feet with it before going to bed. Maybe your hubby can do it, even better :) You can spray it all over your body too....

    I think winter is awesome... when it tear us down it is because we fight natures rules. We need to explore the darkness and the cold...... Winter is actually very healing! The best time to heal IMHO
    You just need to keep it dark... go early to bed... limit the carbs.... only eat when it is light outside.. explore the cold (maybe there is a river or pond/lake nearby you can jump nude into... it will give you a kick better than any drug :)..)... get daylight in your eyes as much as it gets.. and get lots of fat and seafood :)
    You can do it Louise :) :) :)
    (((hugs)))
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2015
  20. Inger

    Inger Silver

    do not keep any crap food/carby stuff in the house! That way you cant cheat either. Buy only the best, healing foods. That way you have to be strong only as you are shopping. Never go shopping hungry. If you cant stay strong then either, send your hubby shopping for you until you get your cravings under control ;)

    I eat unsoaked, raw organic macadamias too once in a while... dipped in butter ;) yummy!
     

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