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louise's journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by louise, Aug 28, 2014.

  1. louise

    louise New Member

    hi,
    I love this site and have printed some blogs and am in the process of ploughing thru the leptin stuff.
    I am 50yrs old female living in wales with partner of 31yrs and 2 grown up sons who do not live at home anymore.
    my history has been dominated by chronic substance misuse - mostly opiates and benzodiazepines.
    I feel really uncomfortable writing this and am not sure if it will get posted.
    reading jacks stuff has made me realise I was not weak and cowardly hiding behind drugs all these years but it was a simple case of not enough electrons and a brain lacking all that dha. hope im on the right track here.
    This could get really long and rambly but I will try and keep it to the point.
    Reason for writing a journal----- I need to express my feelings day to day so I can read back and see how life is improving. Also it makes it easier to change habits if there is some support from others who are like minded .
    past medical history----
    1 migraine at 15yrs
    a few episodes of tonsillitis at 16yrs and 17yrs probably stressed at exams
    just measles, mumps as young child
    18yrs-started nurse training and moved away from home
    19yrs-heroin use started. Heavy cannabis use but heroin was intermittent.
    20-21yrs-heroin and all types of opiates became chronic but still worked as a nurse. worked hard and partied hard at this age.
    21yrs-25yrs-spent my time nursing, traveling in india and taking even more drugs.
    around this time my partner and I were still working but the drug habit was eating all our money up and we were just living a crazy life with no thought for the future.
    26yrs-pregnant and in detox. This is when the dreaded methadone years started.
    im just gonna make a cuppa (herbal lol) and I will be back. Now I have started I want to carry on.........
    .
     
    Jude likes this.
  2. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Welcome Louise......you have definitely come to the right place!

    Ramble away....that is what your journal is for ...and Dr. Kruse needs context to be able to offer you some suggestions.
     
  3. nonchalant

    nonchalant Silver

    Welcome Louise!
    I believe that completely.
     
    caroline likes this.
  4. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Welcome from me too :) you have come to the right place for healing, for sure! Never give up. We are here for you! :love:
     
  5. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Just saying good morning from OZ ...
     
  6. Lahelada

    Lahelada New Member

    Good evening to Wales ! I loved being there and drove up to North Wales every chance I got ,from London that is. Great streams for cold thermogenesis.
    Welcome!
    PS: Ramble as much as you like.
     
  7. louise

    louise New Member

    oh wow thank you ladies for your replies. that has made feel really happy. will be back a bit later to ramble on . Its funny but I found it very therapeutic
     
    Alex97232 likes this.
  8. louise

    louise New Member

    Its 1990, im 26yrs and have just had a lovely perfect son. Easy pregnancy and birth. No major health problems except loads of my teeth had rotted away from chasing the dragon for so many years. Bridges and crowns make up most of my teeth.
    Drug free for 18mths and then whoosh back on it really badly. Diamorphine was plentiful and so were barbiturates. Craziness was the norm.
    Came back to reality 1yr later to find myself pregnant again and dh in rehab. Oh this is when my life fell apart--- baby delivered preterm but did not survive (26wks).
    struggled thru a year or two trying desperately to be pregnant again and also stable on methadone ( injectable as I developed a nasty case of needle fixation)
    1996, 32yrs and 2nd son born. Easy pregnancy but big baby and haemorrhaged post delivery-- needed blood transfusion. I never experienced the euphoria at this birth that I had with my other son. You know the few days straight after. this time it never came.
    Pneumonia and pleurisy within 2 wks of birth and I felt soooo ill. Breastfeeding was difficult due to illness.
    Within a few months I had severe post natal depression and between 1996 and 1999 I actually remember very little. Benzodiazepines and alcohol were daily indulgences and it was often a whole handful of valium and temazepam and half litre vodka. Thank goodness the temazepam were non injectable or I would not be writing this journal.
    After countless admissions to poisons units across the uk and even once in Rotterdam, being an in patient in psychiatric units I was ready for major detoxing and rehab.
    These were my darkest days but I am so glad I sank to these depths because it has helped me find this path today. I know in my heart 100% that EVERYTHING always works out ok in the end. This keeps me sane .
    Rehab was amazing and I stayed over 6 mths and began to feel alive again.
    I embraced the alternative therapies in rehab and had loadsa acupuncture, indian head massage, reflexology, learnt yoga, meditation etc. Unlike everyone else I was there with who only partook of all the psycho babble and counselling. Sadly when I visited a year after I had left I was told ALL these people had died from overdoses or drank themselves to death.
    2001 and drug free completely .
    Ithanked god everyday at this stage that I had no serious health problems but I suddenly became health conscious. I was about 40yrs and a bit overweight (20lbs) but feeling good about my life. But its not that simple is it?
    Gosh im finding it hard to pull myself away from here now but I hate being on laptop and its just dark in the u.k and I am super strict with my light/dark .
     
  9. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    You have had an amazing struggle ...and overcome so much. Obviously you choose Life!

    this is a perfect example of how thoughts can change our DNA.

    good morning from OZ!

    are you still having trouble posting a pic? can I help?
     
  10. Nice to meet you here, Louise! And I wish you many blessings on your journey to wellness. You have definitely come to the right place. You must have a lot of innate energy to have gone through so much and be able to find your way here, and back on to the path of healing. I look forward to reading your journey!
     
  11. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

  12. cantweight

    cantweight Gold

    I love that all the alternative therapies you embraced were so wonderfully healing. I wish you much luck on your journey...sounds like you've already done the hardest parts of recognizing and addressing the need to change.
     
    Alex97232 and caroline like this.
  13. louise

    louise New Member

    im overwhelmed by the response here. Thank you all so much. Oh caroline im hoping I can do my pic today - poor computer skills ( actually feel proud to type that on this site tho!!!) Thank you Dr K for your answer especially with no pic!! I should have said I need my info in a NON geek format but Im not surprised its nn emf . Need to check out ECT alteration tho as I never heard it before.
    I feel so much in my heart now that this was the right thing to do by coming on here and writing all this stuff I have kept hidden for so long. Ihave met so many people over the last 14yrs who know nothing of my past because I have been too damn ashamed to tell anyone. this is no way to live your life- always being afraid of dropping yourself in it and being shunned by society. Have felt rising panic on so many social occasions when the conversation turns to drugs and everyones opinions are pretty obvious that drug users are the lowest of the low and should all be shot!!! Of course this has all been spouted by people with a glass of alcohol in hand and probably stuffing carbs in their mouths .
    just off for walk with my dog, be back later
     
    Alex97232 likes this.
  14. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Louise, you will get a new drug now, but this drug will only do you good :) :) :) The Nature is my drug now.. the fish heads and the oysters, the darkness, the sunshine and the moon.... the water and wind.... i could go on
    i often wonder if this is how it feels to be drugged.... because it feels so good!

    You are going to like it, Louise :)
     
    Alex97232 likes this.
  15. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Louise - think of what a starfish you are going to be! how many people you will help! :)

    People do pay attention ....make no mistake about that!

    This is your great journey to health and wellness .... and an optimal life. there will be rough spots - no doubt - we are all in this together .... and Dr. Kruse is the guy with the flashlight! How lucky are we .....
     
    Alex97232 likes this.
  16. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Please read the thread ..... march 2014 webinar promo..... it is very inspiring to say the least.
    make sure to watch the videos that Peter posted too.
     
  17. prAna303

    prAna303 New Member

    Welcome.

    Many of my friends, maybe all of them has some kind of addiction...

    - Some eat to much weird stuff.
    - Some steal and lie.
    - Some take drugs.
    - Some works to hard.
    - Some buys to much stuff.
    - Some have sex with everyone they see.

    What do i think... Your addiction is a mirror of what your optimal unit needs, i think we all have it but we tend to see it as a bad thing. I do not.

    I think it is all about our great need of energy, often misunderstood in science today, think calories... Energy is more than food, way bigger than just yourself, it is what everything is built upon. What we like about these addictions is the electric effect in us, we crave it in modern world because we are stolen from nature by technology.

    For me, i know i could easily do drugs, i have worked harder than most will ever do but i think i know my limits now... There are no limits!

    If you load up on every kind of natural energy source, your minds stops playing games with you. When you get filled and can maintain energy you start to transfer it to the places inside of you that is hungry.

    So hang on and be way out of your comfort zone, you will be rewarded.
     
  18. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    good morning from Oz Louise!
     
    Alex97232 likes this.
  19. Lahelada

    Lahelada New Member

    Good evening from almost the end of the world, Argentina that is...;)
    Impressive diary,impressice life. You write well.
     
  20. louise

    louise New Member

    hey guys, i have had a day or two just really lovely and peaceful. There are so many replies now on here im flabbergasted (love this word) and you guys really know how to welcome a newbie. So much support really lifts my spirit.
    Just to finish my story and bring it up to date;
    had emerged from rehab in 2000, 36yrs old, penniless, jobless, homeless, sadly my children living with their granma, my 17yr relationship very unstable as dh had abad case of arthritis and was waiting for a hip replacement. He was on opiate script for the pain so how could i live with him? Anyway a few months later he had the op, had come off all his pills and we had rented a house, kids were spending half the week with us aswell as nanna and i started holistic therapy course and also voluntary work at my sons school and a local drugs agency to try and be an inspiration to other users. This was more about me really just feeling more safe and comfortable with drug users instead of "straight" people.
    Life just tootled along its merry little way for a while like this and we were pretty ok.
    Ihad become aware of health by now and i think veganism reared its ugly head for a short while!!!!!
    Many arguments ensued between the feeding of my boys by their nanna. I didnt want her feeding them the disgusting cr@p she fed herself but she just argued that they wouldnt sell it in the shops if it was harmful. arghhhhhh!!!! frustration wasnt the word.
    Dh and i visited a chinese traditional herbalist for a few years at this time. Dh had acupuncture and various other stuff and i did also. We also learnt tai chi, some meditation or standing pole and how we should be going to bed when its dark and getting up at dawn and practising taichi in the early morning light!!!!!! How i wish i had taken all that on board back then.
    The meditation, tai chi, dog walks in nature everyday etc were all amazing but without a fat and dha filled diet and too much t.v at night it wasnt long before i felt yuk.
    I was mid 40s now and horribly peri menopausal.
    2008 i started work for a charity who supported families who were on the children at risk register. I was about 40lbs overweight and felt mostly miserable and fed up with my life but not realising it was my hormones making me feel like this.
    i have to go and finish some garden stuff now.
    hi inger , you are so right about nature, it has been my sanctuary and it is beautiful here where i live. I make the most of it everyday. i have read some of your journal and its inspired me to spend even more time now outdoors. thank you
     
    Penny likes this.

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