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Longtime lurker—first post!

Discussion in 'Meet and Greet' started by Phosphene, Mar 22, 2018.

  1. drezy

    drezy Gold

    I read your signature:
    LOL. Whoa why make it mutually exclusive check both of those boxes in my opinion.

    Congrats on the progress with your daughter. It's really humbling to be able to influence loved ones and then see the progress.
     
    Phosphene, caroline and Lahelada like this.
  2. Laura C

    Laura C New Member

    Thank you for the compliment. I took that today.
     
    Phosphene and Lahelada like this.
  3. Laura C

    Laura C New Member

    Absolutely, check both the boxes. Check, check!
    As for my daughter, I'll put up a journal here soon. She's made all sorts of progress on her own. We homeschool so she has been reading and listening to Dr. Jack's podcasts/his book/Health and Light for science class and applying what she is learning on her own.
     
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  4. drezy

    drezy Gold

    Just sayin. "Exercise" only needs one extra letter in front of it to have some value added meaning...
     
    Phosphene likes this.
  5. Laura C

    Laura C New Member

    Ahhh, sextacular! Someone who speaks my language. My fiance tells me to be more PG so we have code words. Generally, speaking, my mouth is for mature audiences only.
     
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  6. drezy

    drezy Gold

    Don't exclude older but immature people please.

    I missed your earlier postings so welcome!
     
    Phosphene and Laura C like this.
  7. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Hey folks! I tried accessing my account from a computer the next day and discovered I had indeed been banned for five days. It was interesting to watch the anger and then, oddly, shame that shot through me. I had really made an effort to take a decent pic and upload it. Was all proud of myself for finally coming out. Perhaps you get by now that this is a BIG deal for me.

    And then blammo! Failure. Not good enough. Right out of the damn gate. (And technically I hadn’t even broken the rule. The registration instructions required a human profile pic. I had provided a human profile pic...)

    Luckily those feelings didn’t last long. Some of my 10+ years of yoga philosophy kicked in and I thought, “These are just feelings. I am not my feelings. I can control these feelings.” And POOF they were (mostly) gone just like that. I also realized that I’ve been spending far too much time on this site and used the opportunity to take a little break. While patiently waiting out my ban I popped on once as a Guest again, like I did for so long before joining. The extreme anonymity was an old familiar friend and I thought about just staying that way. But part of me knows I can’t “live” like that anymore.

    Plus what’s all this “sextacular” vagal nerve stuff? LOL are you good people trying to thoroughly freak me out in my introductory thread?

    Oh wait, I’m living at an ashram—at this point pretty much nothing can freak me out. :alien:

    I’ve been embarrassed by and/or hiding from one thing or another my whole life.

    Time to cut that shit out.

    Laura, thank you for the marital insights. You are one strong and awesome woman to come out of that alive and well. My situation is actually very different. As much as I hate to admit it, most of the issues were prodded, provoked and prolonged by me, in my extreme low-dopamine states. My husband is pretty much an angel that I probably don’t deserve. He keeps tenaciously fighting for me and holding on but there is deep, deep hurt and resentment—a prehistoric ocean of murky, mucky, boiling hot water—not good for CT at all. (But perhaps just right for new life???)

    I’m at the ashram through the end of April, by which time I need to make some decisions. I know it’s way weird thinking that perhaps strangers can help with such personal issues, but I’ve tried just about everything else... And there’s that entanglement thing.

    And just the act of writing this all out is of course therapeutic. How could I have abandoned this for so long?

    Good night all. Will start a journal soon and get some rubber on the road. Or skin in the game. (All these strange expressions must be so hard for non-English speakers.)
     
    Alex97232, Lahelada and karenr like this.
  8. Lahelada

    Lahelada New Member

    Rockstar! Nice to see yoooo! Looks like you are hitting the ground running ! Just to add another odd expression to the mix . ;)
     
    Phosphene likes this.
  9. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    I have to be careful I don’t succumb to the overwhelm of this site and these concepts (and my expectations) as I’ve done in the past. I’m not even going to edit. Much. :rolleyes:

    I looked at what I started writing as my journal almost two years ago (not yet posted) and see that it’s absolute rubbish. I was in such a god awful state, depressed and complaining and POOR ME.

    I need to whittle that down before starting a journal. Or maybe I should just keep it all to show how bad I was??? I’ve made some improvements just by (inconsistently) following the simplest parts of light, water and magnetism but I know there is so much more potential...

    I’m going to just list a few observations, instead of getting more involved with writing everything perfectly. I will likely transfer much of what’s to my journal when I start it.

    I’m in such a quandary about being at the ashram. While the environment is conducive to the growth and healing that I need in many ways, in others I feel held back. It’s so discouraging that everyone clings to the vegetarian/vegan dogma. I care so much for these people but now only see disease and suffering in their futures. Many are already there—gut, allergy and autoimmune issues of every sort, thyroid problems, thinning hair, obesity, arthritis and cancer in the elders. Most function fairly well, and some do indeed glow with health (and various stages of joyful enlightenment) but there is a...fragility to most of the permanent residents that was always hard to put my finger on. Now I understand—it’s the diet, and most get minimal sun/earth exposure. More on this another time.

    I don’t have nearly enough time to read, process, and write as I thought I would. The service exchange is hard, full-time work, plus there are requirements to keep up with our Sadhana—the daily routines of meditation (2-3X/day) hatha (physical yoga classes), and philosophy, plus special events. And just chatting. There are brilliant, fascinating, compassionate people around every corner and I have much to learn from them, and much to teach if they would listen.

    I could pay $600 to have my service load for the month reduced by half, but I’ve decided to put that towards 6 months of Kruse membership instead. Finally. :)
     
  10. Lahelada

    Lahelada New Member

    My advice would be start with the now. What could be an alternative to the ashram? A workaway somewhere to get more sun/distance /clarity maybe?

    "You are always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past." Richard Bach
     
    Alex97232, Phosphene and karenr like this.
  11. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    On a quick break now after lunch, and between shifts in the kitchen. All the meals are (tasty) deuterium bombs and I’ve gained a bit of weight already. Not sure how much but my clothes are snug and I can feel it in some of the yoga postures. I’m not too worried since my weight tends to fluctuate very little at this point and I can fairly easily lose the pounds. I don’t think I’m leptin resistant, though I don’t claim full understanding of that mechanism either. I lost 40 pounds after each of my children (who are now 18 and 20) with low carb, so epi-paleo isn’t much of a stretch, and I adore fish/seafood.

    I do have thoughts (lots of them) on Workaway. To be continued.

    Oh and I went back and ‘liked’ all the comments that happened while banned. You folks are just a wealth of goodness. And I fit right in with your filthy minds. I actually don’t like that adjective but have nothing else for it at the moment.

    Cheers!
     
    Lahelada, Laura C and Alex97232 like this.
  12. drezy

    drezy Gold

    It sounds like you are walking down your own path of realization and starting to see. Wonder if you'll act on what you see.

    I tried to reel you in from the dark on the forums. I reach out to people. It's built into me, but my paw is rough and it has claws too.


    When you achieve a sound state of mind continue reading or else stop here for now.






    1. Ashrams and retreats can be used as an artificial way to remove dopaminergic rewards(while subtly giving tiny ones during the "famine"). The real world will reintroduce big "rewards" again.
    2. I will say nothing of the possible massive psychologically masturbatory aspects one could use an ashram for. Nope, I never said it...
    3. Nobody here is getting a hand-holding. Introverted, extroverted, flood of feelings, numb, our actions will define how quickly nature will recycle us.
    4. You're a smart lady and I think you're able to piece together good next steps.
     
    Phosphene likes this.
  13. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Drezy, you and my husband are brothers from another mother. Which is both encouraging and infuriating.

    The following statement from one of the blogs or posts caught my attention.

    KRUSE RULE: It is not "woo" if you can explain it.

    I’ve been both attracted and repulsed by woo my whole life. I really REALLY want to believe in and experience mysticism and energy healing and otherworldly stuff, but my stubborn logical side wants proof. My gut is telling me that much of the ‘science’ of yoga—and they do call it science—will ultimately be proven by quantum physics, hopefully in this lifetime. The physics (which I just barely grasp, sometimes) is part of what attracted me to this site.

    Here is some of my current logic for being at the ashram. Feel free to poke holes; kid gloves not required.
    1. The major reason I’m not home (aside from the marital issues) is that the house is a nnEMF hellhole and nobody believes me that it’s a problem. I’ve tried sharing some info but they all (somewhat understandably) think I’m wack-a-doodle and this is just another of my crazy tangents, trying to redirect blame.
    2. It’s 7 hours further south than my home. Nowhere near tropical, but warmer.
    3. It’s close enough to home that I can get there within a day if an emergency arises in my family.
    4. It’s NOT way across the pond in Portugal, where I could easily and cheaply be staying with friends. (Long story)
    5. It’s free with the service exchange. I expect to only spent about $50 total on personal essentials—a bit of dark chocolate and one cup of very good coffee per week, and laundry.
    6. I’m getting masters/Ph.D level counseling here for free as well. (And no they don’t tow the yoga line and tell you what you/they want to hear.)
    7. There is something about this place that is SO healing, both emotionally and physically. There is relatively little nnEMF, good well water (probably not DD, but very pure), early to bed, early to rise. I do arrange my schedule to see the sunrise grounded most days, though it needs to clear a hillside first. Plus it’s getting warm enough to start sleeping in a tent, which I may do for the final few weeks. I know the food is an issue but fixing environment is more important than food, and redox before detox, right?
    8. I plan to be back in time for some significant family milestones, with renewed clarity and commitment to a healthy path forward (with or without my husband).
    My husband of course argues that if I’m working here there’s no reason I couldn’t be working at home. Without getting into the LONG, depressing story from my journal material, I’ve been off work for several years due a drawn-out employment lawsuit (that was ultimately settled) and the health fallout before, during and after this ordeal. It even got to the point where I considered applying for disability—I was drained, brain fogged, depressed and anxious to the point of dizziness and disorientation, and had severe panic attacks at the thought of working a ‘normal’ job again, even part time minimum wage. Luckily I have significant savings from slaving at a corporate IT ‘career’ for 20+ years, however the law in my state says I need spousal permission to access it. And of course he refused to let me access even a small part of it. (Yes, major money clashes—he exists in a state of lack, of never enough, and I think we already have plenty.) So I’ve been living on credit and the kindness of family/friends, staying at my home (in the guest room) for as long as I can cope, then leaving for periods to regroup.

    Oh man this is getting too long, and personal, as I was dreading... And I’m not even giving the full picture here but I have to stop.

    This is fucking exhausting. Good night, whoever has endured this...)
     
  14. karenr

    karenr Silver

    Good morning Phosphene! A few thoughts this morning after a beautiful sunrise!..
    I see some discernments to make. Not with the conditioned mind that will create endless complication, but to bring your deep heart to..

    -If something feels exhausting, is it really helpful hard work or an unnecessary energy drain telling you that you’re caught up in distractions.

    -What is the nature of “support.” When something feels supportive, is it supporting your autonomy or becoming a hindrance. Not only warm-fuzzy-comfy kind of support, but even very challenging situations that we think are therapeutic can be part of a old disempowerment program. (I did that one for a couple decades. Very subtle power trips that even smart people can’t see).

    And when the conditioned mind is in full force with its elaborate arguments, watch out for the urge to fight it and perpetuate the self-blame. That comes in the form of bolstering the ego or bashing it, two sides of the same coin.

    Victim consciousness.
    I could say loads about experience with spiritual communities.. but you want to get to the bottom of what your dilemma is really about. If you're not familiar with Lynn Forrest's work with The Drama Triangle, I highly recommend looking at that! It’s a very useful model for understanding the victim consciousness that generates the dramas that we get caught in. Not only within personal relationships but how we relate to all experience.

    Like the game of musical chairs, we're usually just coping by moving to a different position in the game, rather than getting out of the game entirely. People who want to be healthy really want to get out of the game, which is why the dilemma becomes so difficult, because there's a lot of inner resistance to that. Then remember that blaming yourself for the resistance is just another trick of the game. Watch out for the pitfalls, with utmost kindness to yourself at all times.

    I find language moratoriums helpful.. as an experiment, even for just a day for starters, refrain from all self-judging talk. Sure it all goes on in your head anyway, but when you stop saying it as if it’s true, you really notice how much power it has in your life. I do this as needed.. for complaining! Anything that helps you become aware of the patterns that are driving you in ways you don’t want to be manipulated anymore.

    A stressed mind keeps wanting to find the right decision.. another distraction. As you get out of the drama game, you relax into allowing the wise vulnerability of the heart to lead the way, and all the guidance is there, in forms you could never have anticipated. It can be literally mind boggling to experience the power of that.

    Most of us have been around the block, and we know so much stuff that we think we know but haven’t actually embodied. “Beginner's mind” is always a good one to come back to.

    Examining held beliefs ruthlessly is the most kind thing you can do.
    The community of folks who are dedicated to that, is right here and now.. I think we're just beginning to appreciate what it means to tap into the real inexhaustible wellspring of support.
     
  15. JanSz

    JanSz Gold

    Instead of clicking on the like button,
    I have to write it.

    ..
     
  16. drezy

    drezy Gold

    Encouraging and infuriating, I like it and I think it's fit good on my tombstone

    I not knocking yoga. I suspect that you've learned enough to do naked yoga yourself in high solar yield light and eating some oysters and pork belly after a great session. That's all. There is a wisdom built into you.

    Talk abut wisdom @karenr let sure serious wisdom rip up there! Thanks for that. When it comes to the two testimonies of "Here is how to conquer all" or "Here is how to not f*ck up(like I did implied by semantics)" I'm always interested in the latter first.
     
    Phosphene likes this.
  17. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Long busy day at the ‘shram. There are about 80 guests here on a 3-day silent retreat, stewing in their own thoughts and hopefully learning how not to whig out.

    I should do a daily recap of the meals I help prepare, just for giggles. Today’s lunch for example was (surprisingly convincing) mock tuna salad. I kid you not. Chickpeas mashed to the approximate consistency, with chopped carrots, celery, onion, dill pickles, parsley, tons of “Veganaise” (oh Lawd...) and powdered kelp to make it taste fishy of course. :eek:

    FACEPALM

    I know, I know. You folks are gonna send a squad in to do an intervention if I don’t come to my senses soon, right? Would save my family the trouble...

    Must sleep now but yes I wanted to thank Karen for her kind and insightful suggestions. (I just knew she was one of the good eggs.) Need to stew in my own thoughts on this silently for a bit myself. Will have some time to write more tomorrow or Monday.

    No naked yoga here unfortunately, but I’ll bring it up with the Spiritual Life Committee right after I submit the pig roast plans.

    Thanks friends.
     
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  18. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Quick update. Still at the ashram, staffing programs till early May. This place is so wondrous and nurturing—too bad the food is anti-optimal.

    For the few who are following my saga so far, you may be happy to know I’ve made a decision without pouring out even more personal angst here. I’m going to head home and give my marriage the old college try (this time at the post-grad level, rather than community college...).

    Bottom line is, I AM BLESSED, and so so grateful for everything I already have. I have a very hard time expressing this to loved ones, so may be looking for hints on that in the future.

    I have some steep challenges ahead—both repairing the marriage AND getting my family on board with the optimal lifestyle. I’m sure none of this will be easy, but it doesn’t seem as insurmountable as in the past.

    I’ve also headed out of winter and into spring in the best mood I can remember since high school in Florida. Previous years have been debilitating, and I can only attribute the difference to the smattering of Kruse principles I’ve engaged so far. (Well, the emotional and physical support of the ashram did help too, but something just feels different this year. I’ll bet it was all the sun, grounding and seafood I topped up with last summer and fall.)

    Thanks for all the support here so far. Looking forward to finally starting a journal and continuing the story there.

    Edit: Here it is...finally.

    https://forum.jackkruse.com/index.php?threads/phosphene-—-she-wants-to-do-right.21506/#post-244027
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2018

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