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Longtime lurker—first post!

Discussion in 'Meet and Greet' started by Phosphene, Mar 22, 2018.

  1. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Greetings and salutations brave mitochondriacs! I’ve been lurking (and SLOWLY learning) longer than I care to admit, and can hardly believe I’ve taken this long to start posting. First, I blame low dopamine. I am a poster child for low dopamine, hitting all the bases—procrastination, distraction, poor decision making, depression, anxiety, entitlement, doubt, confusion, overwhelm, FEAR...

    (Bet you all just can’t wait to hear my sob story and get to know me better now right? Yeah I’ll get to some of the good stuff—I can be pretty awesome too.)

    Part of my wait is due to privacy issues. As much as I would love to lay all my baggage out there, I simply can’t for some legal reasons. Plus I’ve vacillated between thinking Dr. Kruse a brilliant, loving, humanitarian prophet, and a batshit crazy egomaniac. I’ve come to accept that he’s probably both, in the best possible ways.

    There’s simply no doubt that he GETS SHIT DONE and passionately wants to serve/save a hurting world. And I want to gradually earn my place among the small but growing starfish tribe that does the same.

    Like most (all?) here I’ve wasted countless time, money and dwindling brain power on “healthcare” (more like disease management) that has generally done more harm than good. Physically, I am relatively healthy at this point largely thanks to good genes (er... mitos) and a sheltered, loving, mainly rural upbringing with lots of time in nature.

    Emotionally I’ve got a way to go, but ever optimistic so all is good. I discovered yoga quite awhile ago as well, and as my understanding and practice has matured I credit it (physical postures, meditation, breath work, and most importantly the philosophy) with truly saving my life. And as much as I would love to think it can fully heal and sustain me, a part intuitively knows that the yogic vegetarian/vegan diet is way, way off base.

    It really is all about the light!!!

    I’ve always been a sun, water and earth lover but gradually let modern life, and my choices in it, rob me of that. Looking back I painfully see how shunning the sun and embracing blue light and tech gadgets royally screwed me up. It’s quite obvious really. I’m at a critical midlife crossroads right now and must make some hard and scary choices about the life I envision going forward. I hope to get courageous enough to let you all help me with that, and kick my lazy, cowardly, indecisive ass when necessary. I’m a Patreon subscriber but not yet a full member. Gearing up to change that soon since I just can’t shake the feeling that this wacky bugger is onto something big.

    I swallowed the red pill, dammit.

    Oh, also wanted to do a quick shout out to @drezy who has gently (and gentlemanly...) encouraged me to step up here after addressing some of my concerns. His wit, wisdom, and genuine caring are a treasure to this community. And the comic relief among all the doom and gloom? Just priceless!!

    Music is a huge part of my joy (and coping strategy) so I wanted to end my intro with a song. This is perhaps a bit sappy (I’m more of a Rush fan—that thread is epic!) but I haven’t seen it posted yet and it certainly fits here. Enjoy.

  2. caroline

    caroline Moderator


    beautiful song - thanks!

    please start a journal in the optimal journal section and give Dr. K. some health history ...and your Mom's and Gran's too.

    Have you listened to Jack's 2 Vermont talks?
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2018
    Phosphene likes this.
  3. Lahelada

    Lahelada New Member

    Phosphene, welcome. So you were not just a light impression on our eyes;) . You exist!
    Phosphene and drezy like this.
  4. drezy

    drezy New Member

    I'm glad you've materialized here.
    Phosphene and Lahelada like this.
  5. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Thanks for the welcome! I have so much to say I hardly know where to start. I’ve written innumerable posts in my head. Too much of my life happens only in my head. That is starting to change, but I have huge regrets over the chasms of time spent lost in my head (and on the bloody internet, I admit). No sense wallowing in that though, right? Right. I now consider it my hibernation/incubation period.

    First, Caroline - Let me just say your spunk, persistence and presence are inspiring. I’m honored to finally say hello.

    Yes I’ve seen the Vermont videos but I’ll bet another watch or two would help. Have also purchased the video with Jeremy T. and am devouring that. Podcasts as well. I’ve spent countless hours reading (ok sometimes skimming) the blogs and am dumbfounded by the amount that sails overhead, but I obviously remain intrigued.

    I actually have a very detailed health/life history mostly complete but I hesitate to post that in a journal for privacy/legal reasons. I know I should just fucking do it. I am my own worst judge. But still.

    Lahelada! You are one of my idols as well! I so admire the courage, openness and (ongoing) transformation you longtime members display so well. I adore your vision and WILL come to visit one day.

    And Drezy, what can I say? You are a rare gem. Part of me has been afraid of starting to post out of fear of disappointing, as I have with so many others. You of course have no personal stake in whether I succeed or fail, but something in you triggered my need to please, or at least not completely screw up. And that has been another minor hurdle. Something is finally breaking through for that need to appear perfect to finally be dissipating.

    A quick note on my name. I first scraped up the gumption to join the site on Winter Solstice 2016 during a very low period. Names are important to me so I put some thought into it. I’ve always been fascinated by the fact that I can see (perceive) light, colors, shapes and patterns in a pitch black room with my eyes closed. This even helps me fall sleep during periods of anxiety, as I discovered in childhood. Would love to get others’ take on this phenomenon.

  6. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    You need a better pic. Forum rule.
    EStein likes this.
  7. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Way to make an introvert with practically zero online presence burst into tears Doc. o_O

    I’ll work on it.
    Lahelada likes this.
  8. drezy

    drezy New Member

    That rule has been around quite a while.

    The people who would like to work with you have to tend to their own dopamine as well and the picture thing is related.

    I've watched you silently lurking back there for a while and I had a gut feeling that it's time for you to c'mon in when I contacted you. My gut feelings can be otherworldly FWIW. I can only recommend that you relax a little and go with the flow a little.

    I like you writing style and hope to be reading your input around here so don't let down this highly extroverted person! Lol.
  9. Lahelada

    Lahelada New Member

    Hi Phosphene,thanks for your kind words.
    As someone who has been there I ask you whether the constant fear and resulting inaction is not worse than any "consequence" of a "mistake". I cannot judge if publication of your health history and or pic would result in a legal problem but I have a hard time coming up with a scenario.
    It would be great to see you around. If you appreciate our @drezy you must have a pretty good sense of humour yourself. Start digging for it and let it shine!
    Phosphene, Alex97232 and drezy like this.
  10. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    I suppose you would never guess this ..... but I am an introvert too.

    However- I choose to do what ever I have to become healthy and happy and moving forward and living the three legged stool as best I can.

    This all takes a lot of focus and persistence. I intend to be the best I can be - but like all of us ....I am a work in progress. I don't always get it right - but I always try and push my limits and always know that I can be better and I can always do better and try harder

    As Jack always tells us ....who are we good for if we aren't good enough for ourself.
  11. Sue-UK

    Sue-UK New Member

    Hi Phosphene :)

    I too see phosphenes. One of my earliest memories is waking in the night and being frightened by the phenomena, my dad heard me crying and came in and reassured me. As an adult I once had a nightmare that my consciousness was floating in complete darkness, I was dreaming that I had died, that my consciousness was doomed to this for eternity, aware... and alone. The dream was probably more scary because I don't ever consciously experience complete darkness, the phosphenes are a permanent phenomena. I see colours and patterns, there's a "normal" and an "abnormal". I stopped using a nicotine nasal spray after the phosphene show that gave ......

    For me I think the phospene phenomena partially relates to my visual cortex - it is so oversensitive that I wouldn't watch a horror movie if you paid me. Although other parts of my brain may "know" its just a movie, my visual cortex still responds as if the event is real, and it can take hours to recover, no matter how many times my "left brain" tells me its just a movie. I wouldn't even read a horror book, because my visual cortex conjures up the images, and that has a similar effect.

    I've damaged my right eye, and if I close my left eye and look through the right, I see phosphenes normally not separately detectable in daylight. I can tell when I'm getting stressed from the phosphenes ....I've read that fear is "faith in the unreal" - and if I'm fearful I'm leaking photons, which I think can be detected. Years ago I had to face a very difficult situation, and a friend told me to put my f*ck off head on and go out and face it. Although there's better ways, in hindsight it showed me that if I could control my phosphene and biophoton emissions/leaking better, I am less of a target. I feel that I "leak" excess photons from my eyes and visual cortex from watching scary things, or experiencing stressful situations generally, as opposed to emitting a normal amount to interact and exchange information with photons coming from a safe, natural environment. I've wondered if having my eyes closed actually recycles the light/phosphenes back through the blood supply in the eyelids.

    I don't know if it directly relates to phosphenes, but I remember when I was about 17, I was walking down a street one winter evening and suddenly heard footsteps running up behind me. I "saw" that someone was going to pull my hat off, so without turning round I just grabbed on to my hat, just as a young lad was about to grab it. In context, it was a safe, well lit road, with lots of other people walking along, and I didn't perceive threat. Its as if my biophotons/phosphenes were travelling into the very near future and bringing back information, which when computed with other information from my senses, allowed me to visually anticipate a future probability. Without really understanding how I could do it (still don't) it was a definite survival skill in my first marriage, similar to remote viewing. But in my experience, its use it or lose it, but don't wear it out. :rolleyes: In repeating stressful situations, blue light, wifi, nnemf etc, (or interactions with energy vampires without using intention to stop the energy leak), I think it can eventually cause burn out, which in terms of the phosphenes I now relate to my visual cortex mitochondria, as well as my eyes. With what I've learned here, I've partially reversed it, and now feel more confident in my intuition, but nowhere near that of my younger self. I sometimes wonder if my visual sensitivity is a compensation for my inability to understand physics or more complex math ... that part of my brain just doesn't seem to grasp it, and if I see an equation I tend to go blank ....All those squiggles .....:confused: :D
    Phosphene and caroline like this.
  12. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    No......you'll do it. Last chance.
  13. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    My reluctance with the profile pic stems from a long and complex separation/divorce situation. Husband is a techy sleuth and anything I say can and will be held against me.

    Marriage plummeted many years ago when he read and destroyed a few of my journals. I was so traumatized I haven’t been able to journal since, and losing that crucial emotional outlet was one of the nails in my blue-lit coffin.

    I’ve been so inspired by the raw and real journals (Inger, dear GOD Inger!!!...) and have myself convinced that finally journaling on this forum could turn my key, break something open, let the healing truly begin. Hard to do that without some anonymity at the moment.

    Irony is that part of me thinks the marriage has a minuscule chance of salvage if most of your principles can be put in place.

    Will this pic suffice for now? (Hopefully this upload works.) Window to the soul they say...

    Attached Files:

  14. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Welcome, Phosphene! :)

    I think being ruthlessly honest about you always work best in the end... because what can you lose? If your (ex) husband cannot tolerate you being you... you should be happy get rid of him ;)
    I know this is not easy! It might make me lose my partner (and it has) but no way can I NOT live and say the truth what I am and feel in my heart. I stand up for that, no matter what. That is why I use my real name and picture on forums, always. I do not like fake. I do not like to hide. Well, I sometimes do am a bit ashamed what I have shared about my struggles and all :rolleyes: but that is life. What is the point on being in a community if we cant be open? Especially on the internet.. where it is even harder, as we cant see each other in real..

    The ones who value you still, with your scars and warts and all.. they are the people you should keep in your life. Do not forget that :love:

    Being open, is a very healing experience, even if it is not always....comfortable
    When I connect with nature it is healing my pain, and it makes it all bearable, and you will realize you are connected with everything... anyways :) :)
  15. karenr

    karenr Silver

    Phosphene, you've supported me in my journaling, so here I am. Let me just suggest this, about the notion that something is “hard.” See how that language can be an energy blocker that closes the door on investigation.

    But if you sit with it, bring compassion to the experience of it.. is it a real alert telling you that moving in that direction is harmful? Or is more like a false alarm, just old habit patterns freaking out because they know that their days are numbered! The mind comes up with so many justifications for the old patterns. What is your deeper intuitive sense telling you.

    I also generally think there are no mistakes, so it’s not so critical to make the perfectly right choice. You make a choice, you see where that leads, you learn from it in one way or another and adjust your course as necessary. Being awake, you're always making adjustments intuitively and fluidly. The choices that got you in trouble in the past were made by a different person than you are now.
    Jenny S and Phosphene like this.
  16. Lahelada

    Lahelada New Member

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  17. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    I’m a bit overwhelmed by all the kind replies and not quite sure how to respond yet, but so very grateful.

    Tons of emotion coming up. I’m actually currently doing a work exchange at a rural yoga Ashram trying to make some important decisions. Relatively optimal environment, but decidedly unoptimal food. It pains me to say that since everything is fresh, organic and literally infused with love. (We chant while it’s prepared.) I’ve snuck in some contraband tins of sardines and oysters, but it’s not enough. I know it’s just temporary. This place is my spiritual home and it’s such a healing sanctuary, but Epi-Paleo it is NOT.

    I’ve had some deep thoughts/visions about creating similar intentional communities dedicated to Kruse principles. One theme I’ve noticed in lurking so long is that folks are getting desperate for places to escape. Places with crucial support and fellowship to expand the entanglement. I understand that Jack’s Farm will be one such place, and hopefully others are ahead of the game here with affordable spots in Mexico. (Plus of course there will be Lahelada’s fabulous South American Shangri-La...) I’m not up to speed yet on Webinars, Q&A’s and private Facebook where the kool kats hang, but I’ll be joining you soon.

    Kruse Kommunities?

    Too kitschy?

    Anyway, thanks again for the mainly warm welcome. New profile pic coming soon. Promise.
    Sue-UK, karenr and Lahelada like this.
  18. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Ok, so I tried to upload a new pic for the avatar and am not currently able to do it via my evil iPhone. I will try again when I can get to a computer tomorrow.

    Also, reminder for myself: MOSAICS

    Have much to say on this topic.
  19. Laura C

    Laura C New Member

    Welcome. You've probably been lurking here longer than I have been on this forum. I am also an introvert, I enjoy quiet, books, and prefer personal conversations with small groups of people. I feel for you and your marital situation as I, too, was in a marriage with an abusive man and 4 children. I journaled as an outlet and he found my journal and bad things happened. I was at my lowest point, beaten, broken and hurting. Feeling like a failure and the worst mother on the planet, I was begging for the answer to my situation. I'll never forget, my martial arts friend said, "You already have the answer, you just have to do it". It was like cold water on my face. I knew what needed to be done but I was afraid and my fear was paralyzing me and my excuses were abundant. They were right, I was the "only" person that could help me. My healing only came when I wasn't in the bad toxic abusive environment. I had to make the change for me and my kids. I had to stand up to a hero firefighter/excop and get a restraining order, save/hide money to get a divorce and stand strong. Fast forward, 9 years to now. I find myself in a place where only I can make the changes that need to be made to heal physically. Here in Wisconsin, I am making changes like spending time in the sun, grounding, eat more seafood, turning off the screens, while ramping up my business income in addition to selling my rare book collection on ebay, to move us down to Mexico. We all need to get out of this state in bad way. I had planned on moving more towards 4-6 years, when the kids get done homeschooling and my fiance is due to retire but with the way things are moving with the 5g stuff, I feel that my timeline needs to be shortened dramatically. This is a good place to be(the forum) but don't let that fear consume you. I spent a lot of time being browbeaten that when I left the ex, I was browbeating myself with my negative talk that I didn't need. The journey can never be made without taking steps.
    Phosphene, Lahelada and drezy like this.
  20. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Laura, you look like Alannis Morisette in that picture. Lovely. Welcome to you too.
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