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Healty mind, healthy body - Rhoswen's Journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by Rhoswen, Apr 23, 2012.

  1. Rhoswen

    Rhoswen New Member

    I figured I should start my own optimal journal. I love blogging after all and my main concern right now is getting my mind and body healthy and working together.



    I'm a 27 year old red head, standing at 5'4". Right now I weight 135 pounds, down from the 155 I was this past February, and down from 200 that I was about four years ago. I know the reason I got so fat... I was never an obese child, I wasn't a fat teen, it wasn't until I graduated high school I gained weight because I feel into crippling depression and isolation.



    My mind has been a mess starting between the ages of 12-13. I sort of elaborated about it in this thread. I remember the first time someone took notice of how anxious I was. In fact, it was my dental hygienist. I had started grounding my teeth down to little tiny chicklets and she was very concerned for me. She pulled my father into the office and told him that it seemed that this was being caused by anxiety and maybe it would be a good idea for me to see a psychologist to work out any nervous issues I had.



    I remember the look of disgust on my father's face and he replied, "She has NO reason to be anxious. She has everything she could ever want in her life right now."



    He doesn't "believe" in depression. If I was unhappy, then it was because I wasn't trying hard enough.



    At that moment, I knew I would not find support from my family for my anxious feelings. From there, my mental state spiraled downward. I thought about suicide constantly and I had no one I could talk with. I just kept my feelings to myself, something I still do unfortunately.



    I ended up in many bad relationships with men. Usually of the emotionally abusive kind which you can imagine did nothing for my mental state. I felt that I was a flawed horrid person, and about the age of 20, after getting out of the most damaging relationship I've probably ever had, I closed myself off from the world. I didn't leave my house for two years.



    That's the time when I ballooned up to 200 pounds. I just stopped caring. When I finally went back to my hygienist again, she told me about a Technical School I could go to for dental lab technology. I figured I'd give it a shot... And I enjoyed it a lot. It was a great coarse, I learned a lot, I did well, even though I was still very anti-social and anxious... It finally got me out doing SOMETHING and feeling more like an adult.



    The economy was in the toilet (still kinda is LOL), and many dental labs where I lived had closed down or weren't hiring people. So I went out of state and ended up working in a hospital lab instead. I really enjoy my job, it doesn't cause me as much stress as other things do surprisingly!



    My mind is a lot better than it was a few years ago, mostly after discovering the Paleo life-style. Still, I get very anxious, I have low self-esteem, and I have a hard time trusting people.



    It was always implied in my interactions with others that these things were all because of character flaws. Since discovering Paleo, I've realized that there are some amazing connections between the health of the body and health of the mind. It seems to make so much sense, of course the two are connected together! However, I feel many people who follow CW view the body and mind separately, that the health ailments of mind and body should be treated separately. I feel like, how could I have been so blind? Well, we were all blinded by CW dogma.



    And here we are now. I'm still finding that I have some pretty irrational thought patterns, especially in regards to my friendships/my current relationship. I find it hard to believe that people like/love me, even though I have no reason to truly think otherwise. These thoughts still create a HORRID amount of anxiety in me. I think keeping a journal will help immensely, especially in a community like this were everyone is so supportive!
     
  2. Rhoswen

    Rhoswen New Member

    Today was a very anxious morning for me. I spent my morning chatting with friends online and also talking with my guy. The anxious thoughts were popping into my mind, "Why do these people like me, do they really like me, why would they care about me, I bet they're lying for some reason, they're just toying with me."



    The mindset of someone with a brain that doesn't work 100% correctly is something strange to behold. I think everyone gets thoughts like these at times, I don't deny that, but lately I get these thoughts so OFTEN.



    I'm actually upping my probiotic dose to 6 capsules instead of 4. Quelsen has said in his PM to me, when I asked for his advice, that I should take up to 12. I'm just upping it slowly, just to make sure if I get any funky reactions I can cut'em short. I noticed after lunch today (US Wellness Sugar-Free Garlic Hotdog, 100% Dark Chocolate, Coconut Oil, 2 Probiotic Capsules) that I felt much more calm. I still feel pretty calm actually which is a very good thing!



    I had some minor bloating and constipation yesterday, which is odd cause usually my stools for the past several weeks have been loose. Oh why am I posting something like this on the internet? HAHA! It's worth it if I can help someone who might have similar problems to me. Today's bowel movement was very normal. Not loose, not hard to pass. Yay? XD



    I've also been being careful with my doses of 5-HTP and L-Tyrosine. Taking 100mgs and 1000mgs twice a day instead of three times a day. I know when I took my SSRI and also when I took 5-HTP alone, I had major issues with achieving orgasms. Again, why am I posting this to the internet. :p But so far, no issues with that. I know someone else on our forum posted about losing libido by taking only 5-HTP... Can't remember if they were male or female though?



    I was thinking, since I still am feeling pretty anxious that I should start taking those three times a day as well. Although, after taking my probiotics at lunch, I wonder how much the fact I probably have a leaky gut connects to my anxiousness and depression rather than neurotransmitter problems. Maybe the neurotransmitter problems are being CAUSED by the leaky gut, and once that's fixed up... Well, it's mostly speculation. :)



    Today's song: Float On by Modest Mouse!
     
  3. Rhoswen

    Rhoswen New Member

    Not feeling so hot today. Things were really weird yesterday and while today I had fun with a lot of my friends, there is something weird going on. I have no idea what to make of it, other than hope things will be better tomorrow.



    Today was another tense sort of day. My body doesn't feel too bad. My mind is feeling cloudy and anxious. It doesn't help that the weather has been cloudy, wet, and dark either.



    I didn't eat all that much today but I still got plenty of protein. No carb cravings from the probiotics either, which is wonderful! That was definitely something that was on my mind. I spoke about this in another thread, but several months ago when I started taking Jarrow's Formula probiotic capsules, I got the worst carb cravings of my life. Serious cravings for bread, bagels, sweet pastries, and ice cream. They stopped after I cut the capsule out. I did have residual cravings though that took several weeks to resolve, but they weren't strong enough to make me go seek out these foods again.



    I don't know if Jarrow's put filler's in their probiotic or not. I'm looking at the ingredients and I'm seeing Potato starch in it. :/ They say the capsules are gluten free, but not necessarily soy free. Jarrow's has more different strains than the current one I'm taking (8 strains instead of just 6) and is 5 billion instead of 4 billion. With Jarrow's I got cravings in less than 24 hours. The new ones, nothing. For the curious, this is what I'm taking.



    I do wonder why one would cause such a reaction and the other nothing. Given, when I was on Jarrow's my diet wasn't as clean as it is now either. I wasn't trying to be in ketosis or doing CT.



    I was talking about not upping the 5-HTP or L-Tyrosine but it might be necessary after all. Been about a week and I've really only noticed a slight improvement in OVERALL anxiousness.



    I never posted my current statistics of my weight/height/measurements so here they are:



    5'4"

    134 lbs

    Waist: 29

    Hips: 36
     
  4. Rhoswen

    Rhoswen New Member

    Today was a bad day. Super anxious all day, didn't really eat much. I just sat around these past 40 minutes crying my eyes out and lamenting over things I shouldn't be feeling so anxious about. *sigh*



    This all is harder than I thought. I mean, losing the weight was EASY. I started the Leptin RX and CT at 155 pounds, now I'm down to 134! But my mental state is just ALL OVER the place. It's driving me insane. I'm just glad that I still come off as a normal functioning person to everyone around me, I certainly don't feel like it.



    I'm gonna try to get some CT in, even if it's only using my ice packs. I didn't really get a chance yesterday because I was feeling so completely out of whack.
     
  5. Pardus

    Pardus New Member

    I can relate. CT is clearing some pretty nasty things from my body. Since starting CT, I have been going through periods of extreme moodiness, anxiety, and short temper, etc...



    Hang in there, and keep up the good work!
     
  6. FF_BC

    FF_BC New Member

    I hope you realize that trying to be better is half the job, so keep trying!



    I beleive strongly in stuff like visualizing and affirmation, they are extremely powerful tools to change the way you think! Google Martin Seligmans Positive Psychology or buy/borrow Robin Sharmas "The monk who sold his ferrari".



    The key is to put you in control of yourself and your actions, especially the good actions. What everyone else does only they can answer for, no need for you to worry about others. :)
     
  7. Rhoswen

    Rhoswen New Member

    Thank you both for your posts. Today has started off on a bad note again. :(



    I think a big problem is I don't have a lot of real life support. My family doesn't live near me and I haven't really made any friends since I moved away. I've just been doing what I can on my own, besides the therapy I did a few years ago. I feel like I'm falling down back into the depression hole again though.



    I'm still doing my best to eat well though, remembering to take my supplements and what not.



    Breakfast:

    3oz of liverwurst

    1oz of spiced beef jerky

    Cup of coffee with Jersey Cow Heavy Cream, mix in some flavorless gelatin with this too, can't taste it at all~



    Lunch:

    US Wellness Sugar Free Garlic Hotdog *super tasty*

    Applegate's Uncured Turkey Bologna

    100% Dark Baker's Chocolate, Ghirardelli Brand

    Tablespoon of Coconut Oil

    Tazo Hibiscus Passion Tea



    Dinner:

    Bacon

    Sardines

    Fermented Bubbies Pickles

    Tablespoon of Coconut Oil



    All the meat I eat is grass-fed and/or from US Wellness Meats. I take my two capsules of probiotic with each meal.



    My appetite hasn't been all that high lately. I feel awful today. :( I didn't do CT yesterday but I think I'm gonna do some before I go to work with my ice packs.
     
  8. Rhoswen

    Rhoswen New Member

    Well, now my boss at work is adding major stress to our entire shift, basically forcing one person to do the work of two people instead of allowing us to work together. I don't understand it, but I did notice something tonight... My poor co-worker was breaking out into a sweat, and even though I was feeling uber stressed out, I didn't sweat at all except for my hands. I feel like my body temperatures are a bit more stabilized.



    I used to be cold a lot at work, since they keep our lab super cool at night, and I only get cold if I'm sitting down for too long a period of time. When I get back on my feet or take a short walk, my I warm up and become comfortable again.



    I was working like a demon on our paperwork tonight and while I did get a little heated, I didn't break out into a sweat. My legs still feel a little weak though. I wish I didn't have so much stress in my personal life AND now at work too!
     
  9. Rhoswen

    Rhoswen New Member

    So, neurotransmitters, the amino acids, and their co-factors.



    5HTP and L-Tyrosine actually need similar co-factors to turn themselves into serotonin and dopamine. Serotonin and dopamine require B6 (most importantly, from what I understand), vitamin C, and magnesium.



    I actually heard quite a bit about how our country is severely magnesium deficient. Not surprising really. I still gotta listen to that UW podcast with the Magnesium Man. But anyway I picked up some magnesium citrate a couple of weeks ago... And I was pretty sensitive to the stuff for about a week. XD I was running to the bathroom quite a bit when I would take just one pill! And that was before bed even. It usually wouldn't hit me until I was outta bed and making breakfast.



    However, I've been able to work up to two pills now. One in the morning, and one before bed. I was a little worried at first that I would always be super sensitive to the citrate since others have posted similar bathroom problems and I'd have to look for another type to take. Lucky me, I seem to be working just fine now. :)



    Today's mood is a lot more relax than yesterday. I got a phone call before work that made me very happy and calmed me down. Also, something really good happened to me yesterday evening. Yay!
     
  10. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    urinary organic acid testing may shine lots of light on your gut issues.
     
  11. Rhoswen

    Rhoswen New Member


    Thanks for that tidbit Dr. Kruse. :) I should really go out and get some labs done. Haven't been able to schedule an appointment with my doc with all the stuff going on in my life.



    Here's a nice update... I have NO active acne on my face since taking the probiotic. I still have red marks from the acne I was getting before, but no active eruptions, bumps, or anything like that. When I wake up each morning, the red marks are getting less red and fading away. I'm thinking this is a good sign with the connection with the gut/skin/brain axis.



    Yesterday however, after posting about being relaxed, I had a little bit of a meltdown in the evening. I feel bad because I took it out on my guy, but he comforted me a bit. However, I can't keep melting down like that on him. That's exactly the type of behavior that drives people away.



    I'm thinking a lot of my anxiety is coming from my EXTREME INSECURITY~ I'm not sure how obvious it is from my ramblings, but Rhossy? Very insecure person who needs way too much feedback and reassurance from others. I'm not sure if this behavior stems from all the things that have happened to me in the past with bad childhood experiences and bad relationships... Or if this behavior has sprung up because of eating a really crappy diet for 27 years of my life. More than likely, it's a toxic combo of both.



    It just frustrates me that I see this behavior, I know it's not good, but I can't seem to soothe myself back into a place where I'm not gonna have a meltdown. I always seem to need reassurance from others, but if you constantly look OUTSIDE for reassurance, you'll feel better for a little while... Till you start needing that feedback again. I feel like I'm locking myself in a loop of being constantly insecure. If I don't get the assurance I need, I start to fall apart because I can't build myself up. >_
     
  12. Rhoswen

    Rhoswen New Member

    Right now I'm doing some sneaky CT while I'm at work. I have a little ice pack underneath my lab coat/clothes. It's only on my torso but I can't help but feeling like it's calming me down. :) I need more of these little ice packs to use at work. Mwahaha~
     
  13. Rhoswen

    Rhoswen New Member

    Have you ever heard of EFT? I used to use it myself awhile ago, and I can't remember why I stopped. But today it popped back into my head. I went to this website/ to refresh myself on the techniques and phrasing for EFT and I made an interesting break through, very quickly.



    Lately I've been in a lot of emotional pain. I've been freaking out on the guy I care about, freaking out if I don't have his constant attention, and I don't want to drive him away. I know that I am with this behavior. This isn't the type of person I want to be. But when I started to do my EFT session, I truly realized the one person I want love the most from is ME. I've talked about here in my other thread about how I have a hard time with negative thoughts and feelings. And I knew it was because I had no self love. However, I still thought if someone ELSE just loved me enough, gave me enough affection and attention, that it would happen. I realize that this was NEVER what I wanted. I do like to have affection from others, who doesn't? But that's not what I TRULY wanted deep down inside. I wanted my OWN love that I freely give to others, yet never let myself have.



    I know, it sounds like such a simple and silly thing to figure out. I've had people tell me, "You need to love yourself!" but I couldn't really wrap my head around that. Now I think I understand myself a little better.



    EFT might look really simple, but wow, I feel like it really worked tonight. I was using it before to fight cravings back before I did the Leptin RX. I think the cravings were just part of this issue with not caring about myself as much as I cared about others. Oh, I know it was physical too, those cravings happened with the Jarrow's Formula Probiotic incident. But I think it was an emotional thing too.



    I feel like I sabotage myself a lot on a subconscious level. However, I feel like I'm making a lot of progress because of the Leptin RX, CT, and now adding EFT. I still take my supplements too of course.



    Oh, I actually started my time of the month today. So, this is more for the ladies, but my period has changed since doing the Leptin RX and CT.



    A little background: When I was about 12 or 13, I had my first period.



    And it didn't stop.



    Seriously, it didn't stop for several months. And I was losing A LOT of blood. There were several days that I was bleeding so much, I had soaked my clothes in class. I remember one of the nurses asking if I was having a MISCARRIAGE! I usually had to be wheel chaired out of the school and taken home to lay in bed. There wasn't any pain at those times, shockingly. Maybe there was but I was so traumatized by all the bleeding that I can't remember.



    Doctors could not give me or my parents any solutions. They also refused to give me birth control... Which sucked back then but I'm glad they didn't put me on birth control, knowing what I do now.



    When my period finally "normalized", it was still always unbelievably heavy through out my teenage years. I would have to change my pad once an hour usually, even when I'd use overnight pads during the day. Can't tell you how many pairs of underwear and sheets I've ruined. Also, my periods were pretty painful. I hated taking pain meds, so I'd usually just suck it up. Made it pretty hard to concentrate on things, as you can imagine.



    My periods got slightly better as I got older. The pain increased but the bleeding decreased. Going Primal/Paleo really helped a lot. The pain was much less intense and the blood flow decreased even more. It was still a bit heavy for my liking, but any progress was a major relief from what I started out with.



    Because of CT and the Leptin RX, things have gotten even better. I used to be able to predict my period because I'd get cramping a couple of days before. That hasn't happened in a couple of months, but I can usually tell by other signs now. The blood flow is even less than before. And usually, at this point, I'd be having cramps that would be somewhat intense. Right now, I don't feel that uncomfortable. I have a slight pain in my lower back.



    I'd also feel slightly constipated whenever I would have my period, but haven't for the past couple of months.



    Progress! We're making progress!
     
  14. KiwiLauren

    KiwiLauren Gold

    Rhoswen;19803 wrote: Have you ever heard of EFT? I used to use it myself awhile ago, and I can't remember why I stopped. But today it popped back into my head. I went to this website/ to refresh myself on the techniques and phrasing for EFT and I made an interesting break through, very quickly.



    Lately I've been in a lot of emotional pain. I've been freaking out on the guy I care about, freaking out if I don't have his constant attention, and I don't want to drive him away. I know that I am with this behavior. This isn't the type of person I want to be. But when I started to do my EFT session, I truly realized the one person I want love the most from is ME. I've talked about here in my other thread about how I have a hard time with negative thoughts and feelings. And I knew it was because I had no self love. However, I still thought if someone ELSE just loved me enough, gave me enough affection and attention, that it would happen. I realize that this was NEVER what I wanted. I do like to have affection from others, who doesn't? But that's not what I TRULY wanted deep down inside. I wanted my OWN love that I freely give to others, yet never let myself have.



    I know, it sounds like such a simple and silly thing to figure out. I've had people tell me, "You need to love yourself!" but I couldn't really wrap my head around that. Now I think I understand myself a little better.



    EFT might look really simple, but wow, I feel like it really worked tonight. I was using it before to fight cravings back before I did the Leptin RX. I think the cravings were just part of this issue with not caring about myself as much as I cared about others. Oh, I know it was physical too, those cravings happened with the Jarrow's Formula Probiotic incident. But I think it was an emotional thing too.



    I feel like I sabotage myself a lot on a subconscious level. However, I feel like I'm making a lot of progress because of the Leptin RX, CT, and now adding EFT. I still take my supplements too of course.



    Oh, I actually started my time of the month today. So, this is more for the ladies, but my period has changed since doing the Leptin RX and CT.



    A little background: When I was about 12 or 13, I had my first period.



    And it didn't stop.



    Seriously, it didn't stop for several months. And I was losing A LOT of blood. There were several days that I was bleeding so much, I had soaked my clothes in class
    . I remember one of the nurses asking if I was having a MISCARRIAGE! I usually had to be wheel chaired out of the school and taken home to lay in bed. There wasn't any pain at those times, shockingly. Maybe there was but I was so traumatized by all the bleeding that I can't remember.



    Doctors could not give me or my parents any solutions. They also refused to give me birth control... Which sucked back then but I'm glad they didn't put me on birth control, knowing what I do now.



    When my period finally "normalized", it was still always unbelievably heavy through out my teenage years. I would have to change my pad once an hour usually, even when I'd use overnight pads during the day. Can't tell you how many pairs of underwear and sheets I've ruined. Also, my periods were pretty painful. I hated taking pain meds, so I'd usually just suck it up. Made it pretty hard to concentrate on things, as you can imagine.



    My periods got slightly better as I got older. The pain increased but the bleeding decreased. Going Primal/Paleo really helped a lot. The pain was much less intense and the blood flow decreased even more. It was still a bit heavy for my liking, but any progress was a major relief from what I started out with.



    Because of CT and the Leptin RX, things have gotten even better. I used to be able to predict my period because I'd get cramping a couple of days before. That hasn't happened in a couple of months, but I can usually tell by other signs now. The blood flow is even less than before. And usually, at this point, I'd be having cramps that would be somewhat intense. Right now, I don't feel that uncomfortable. I have a slight pain in my lower back.



    I'd also feel slightly constipated whenever I would have my period, but haven't for the past couple of months.



    Progress! We're making progress!


    EFT is fantastic for a lot of people and I'm glad you've found something that's helping. I have found, personally, that I start to process old memories and traumas as I start to heal my body, both along with detox and (I believe) as I become stronger and more able to do so. Lots of brain rewiring!



    Well done you.
     
  15. Rhoswen

    Rhoswen New Member

    What's great about EFT is that it's so simple. Actually, when I first found it, I thought it was so simple that it had to be full of poopoo. I poked around on the internet a bit, seeing if it really helped people like the websites say it does, and it really did seem to be helping a lot of people.



    Again, it's like the same reason I tried the Leptin RX and CT... I couldn't see EFT doing any damage even if for some reason it didn't work, so why shouldn't I try it? It's been working out pretty well tonight although I find myself tapping a lot. I have a lot of things to work through though, that's for sure. :)
     
  16. Rhoswen

    Rhoswen New Member




    Oh Dr. Kruse! I just remembered something I didn't mention... I had my gallbladder removed a few years ago!
    Just read your post on the gallbladder and I'm betting the fact I don't have one is giving me gut issues. The surgeon who removed my gallbladder said I had the BIGGEST stones she'd ever seen too.
     
  17. Rhoswen

    Rhoswen New Member

    I noticed the acne on my back and face is... GONE. Gone, gone, gone. Only the little red marks from the acne I did have remain, and those fade with each passing day. Can I tell you how happy that makes me? Usually if I got rid of the acne on my face, it would just manifest somewhere else. Usually in places where I never get acne like on my neck, chest, or even my stomach!



    When I was taking my shower yesterday, I already knew I had no active acne lesions on my face... But then I noticed all the acne on my shoulders had started healing up and disappearing too.



    Right now, I'm on my period and I usually get at least one cyst either on my back or face. Nothing this time.



    I'm pretty sure the probiotics I've been taking have a lot to do with this. Still no carb cravings from the probiotics either.



    As for my mood, I'm feeling very good today! I'm committed to doing EFT along with my cognitive exercises. Adding the EFT has been super helpful. I wish I had done it a week ago, haha!
     
  18. PaulaRichards

    PaulaRichards New Member

    I just wanted to "drop in" & say I'm glad you're feeling better. I think EFT is a great tool. Strange sometimes how we find things that help us & somewhere along the way we forget about them or just stop using them. So, "Good for You"! Keep tapping! :)
     
  19. Rhoswen

    Rhoswen New Member

    @ paulalynn - Thank you for the well wishes!



    Last couple of days have been rough. Work stress and personal stress are piling up again. I just can't catch a break lately, it seems. :( Only thing I know how to do is to keep doing the best that I can, eating right, doing CT, and doing all the other things I've mentioned in my previous posts.



    Today I feel overly warm and intense. I wish I could calm myself down, but I'm having a hard time.
     
  20. Rhoswen

    Rhoswen New Member

    So I'm finding I might be sensitive to eggs. I hadn't been eating eggs all that much these past few weeks. Lately I've been coming home and eating a couple of scrambled eggs with my bacon, and I'm seeing some minor acne coming back. At first, I was thinking maybe dairy was causing it but I hadn't cut my heavy pastured cream from my coffee, and the acne WAS disappearing... till I started eating a lot of eggs again.



    So, eggs will be cut down from now on! Shame though, they're such an easy source of protein. Once my gut is better, I'll try to see if I can implement them again.



    My EFT has been going surprisingly well. I found a couple of manuals on EFT to learn the technique better, and it helped me uncover some issues I have around my family, a incident that happened when I was 5, and why I've been so insecure, not just lately, but in most of my relationships with other people. It's crazy how such a simple little technique helps so much.



    I think most people would write it off as "woo-woo". Can I just say I despise this word? LOL I don't think it's so much the word itself as much as the condescending tone that usually drips off a person when they call something "woo". Not agreeing with someone is one thing, but the disdainful attitude needs to go.
     

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