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Guilt thread

Discussion in 'Optimal Kids' started by ChristineKleiber, Apr 11, 2012.

  1. ChristineKleiber

    ChristineKleiber New Member

    Okay, this is really simple.

    This part of the forum is pretty much parents and mostly Mom's. I am detecting a lot of grief over the things we've fed our kids in the name of "health".

    #1 We do the best we can with what we have

    #2 Harboring bad feelings raises cortisol

    #3 Bad feeling start to leak out on your kids

    So leave them here.

    Write it down and let it go.
  2. ChristineKleiber

    ChristineKleiber New Member

    Gold fish crackers. I wish I could pluck back every single last one I ever gave a child. And remember I have FIVE... some who are now in college.
  3. omlh@todmi.com

    omlh@todmi.com New Member

    Margarine, sunflower oil and soya products when we were told my OH and middle daughter were to avoid lactose. I so wish that I hadn't poisoned them with the stuff. I wonder whether some of my middle and youngest daughters' health problems started there, and whether we'll be able to reverse them.

    On the other hand, I am truly thankful that my OH, my eldest, my youngest and myself are all non-coeliac gluten-intolerant, which means I have an excuse to never have grain-containing foods in the house!
  4. Sem

    Sem New Member

    I recently cut out gluten and drastically reduced sugar. BUT I've been doing lots of gluten free substitutions for things like pasta and pizza. I feel guilty about that but my older son was SO emotional when I told him we were cutting out gluten. He has nut allergies and is always stressed about whether food has nuts in it. I'm hoping to slowly cut out all grains but worry about him getting too anxious and not eating at all especially since the doctor told me after his eight year old check up last week that he grew two inches in a year but LOST half a pound. She wasn't thrilled about that and either am I...
  5. Glamorama

    Glamorama New Member

    Oh where do I begin... crackers... biscuits, low-fat dairy, sugar as raisins, fruit, chocolates, candy, cakes (only on weekends but still). I'm proud of the fact that my kids eat sushi as take-away and not McDonalds, and they ahve never had softd rinks, just filtered water. So thats one thing I got right!

    I should mention the tons of bread I fed my kids over the years. I am ashamed.
  6. Shijin13

    Shijin13 Guest

    oh the guilt. w/dd it goes back to not being able to nurse her directly, and having to pump for her, and not make enough, requiring supplementation w/ formula (didn't know about milk shares and the like w/her). Its the juice (I'm still trying to get both kids off of it - its watered down to 10% juice/90% water) Its not being able to control what the eat a dcp - b/c of the state/fed regulations that say they have to x of this, that and the other (w/in the usda food pyramid/plate - which is total crap)

    its trying to fend of the grandparents - of its ok if they have x it won't kill them (well, maybe not initially but eventually)

    its trying to not make them feel like they're so different from the other kids at school b/c we eat different.

    Oh how I wish I could afford to home school, or work from home and have them w/me throughout the day....but neither is feasible...
  7. KiwiLauren

    KiwiLauren Gold

    Guilt is something I've thought a lot about (mostly since becoming a mother!). The guilt over things I've gotten wrong extends far beyond food/healthy living. And it is daily. However, one of my spiritual teachers once spoke about the difference between guilt and remorse. Guilt, she said, was self-focussed; remorse was action-focussed... a resolution to not repeat the mistake and a full acceptance of responsibility or reality. That helped me.

    I am never going to get everything right. And I'm not even sure there is a 'right'. We wake up to new information as we receive it and we do the best we can. (If you look at the attachment theory literature, for example, the key to healthy mother-child relationships is NOT the misattunements and when things go wrong, it's the capacity of the relationship to repair and come back to harmony/synchrony.)

    Every day I wonder if I am doing the right thing vis-a-vis food and diet. Do I need to be 100% unflinching in my refusal to let my children have the occasional bit of grains? Do I have to tell them they cannot accept a cookie from their friend's mother while at a slumber party? I really don't know. I know what Dr Kruse says, but I am not Dr Kruse. My children still eat some very non-optimal things. And I am still a very non-optimal mother on many occasions. This is not the 80-20 rule; it's the reality of my imperfect life.

    A friend's four-year old was hit by a car when they were walking home from the library. He was killed instantly. We don't know what life has in store and we are not in control of everything, as much as we'd like to me. I want a loving, happy, healthy relationship with my children. Even if it is full of mistakes.
  8. MamaGrok

    MamaGrok New Member

    I'm fortunate in that by the time I realized what I had done to my children (their cheekbones & arches & ears & tics & teeth (or lack of them) tell the story), I had already learned how to deal with my past.

    I will have to face my mistakes every time I look at my children's close-together eyes or missing teeth in a toddler. I'm no longer able to try to avoid seeing these things. The pouring into them of gobs of "healthy whole grain cereal" for breakfast, lunch, & snacks; the obscene quantities of sugar, wheat, & PUFAs that went into me when gestating and nursing them ... But, in the words of I believe Maya Angelou, you do what you know. When you know better, you do better.

    As long as we do that, there's no room for guilt, IMO. End of story. (Besides, they're a LOT better off than I was, a lot better off than they would be had I not done my best, and they're equipped with the information to change my grandchildren forever.)

    And yes.
  9. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    1. i have no guilt........I did what I did out of ignorance. I no longer tolerate any mediocrity. It in turn eliminates ignorance.

    2. I have no bad feelings because I find my greatest success in all my failures.

    3. My kids get worked by a Spartan father......I give them no quarter either. They want success they are learning Mother Natures rules too.......Modern parents beliefs are ruining kids. Let mother Nature toughen them by her standards and not your neolithic thoughts socialized by modern hominids.......

    Why let it go........Mother Nature says evolve.......tomorrow I will have new challenges to face.

    Bring the heat.......in it I get better.
  10. LisaAPB

    LisaAPB New Member

    I am a mother, and grandmother. My children were born in the early 80's, and I cringe at what I fed them as a steady diet, ignoramous that I was. Lots of cereals, ramen noodles, pasta, and breads. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Now I know differently, raised those kids to think for themselves... I'm trying to share my new found knowledge but the best thing I am sharing is my success, setting an example. They see the changes in me and I hope it will trigger something in their minds, because I can't snap my fingers and change the mistakes I made with them in the past. When the kids or grandkids come to visit, they are served real food and so far, no complaints.

    Yes my remorse is great, because I now know that I set certain rocks rolling even before my children were born, that affect even my grandchildren. However, my hope is also great, because I am living proof that change is possible.
  11. finnite@dccnet.com

    finnite@dccnet.com New Member

    Soy, is my biggest guilt trip, DS was born lactose and casein intolerance, nursed until 1 year and then onto soy milk for another year.

    I cringe everytime I think of feeding a boy soy milk at that age fortunately he weaned himself from soy at about 2 or 3, but then it was water and juice :p. he`s tall (6`4``), healthy, athletic and smart at 17 but I just hope with the changes we`ve been making the past 4 years that some stuff has been ameliorated.

    For DD it`s been the carbs, ramen noodles is the worst. we used to do Rotten Ronnies but that stopped 18 months ago.

    What I did good, 2 years ago tossed all PUFAs from the house brought in lard, butter and CO interestingly enough both my kids went from doing mediocre in school to honor roll for DS and much improved for DD.
  12. ChristineKleiber

    ChristineKleiber New Member

    Of course, the man in the thread has got it together!

    And yes, maybe I should have qualified "let it go" What needs to go is guilt and not the knowledge and power that comes when you learn from mistakes.
  13. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    I have always found strength in my weakness and failures.......wait til you see the Paleo fx videos.......That is a trait I had when I emerged from the vagina.
  14. One thing I did a few months ago when I was feeling guilty about what I fed them as small children, I went up to my now grown children and apologized for what I did. I told them that I though it was the right thing to do back then, but now I knew it wasn't.

    They both looked at me as if I was nuts, and I said someday you will understand. I just want you to remember then that I am sorry for what I did to you.

    After that, I haven't had any more guilt about it.
  15. KiwiLauren

    KiwiLauren Gold

    I had completely forgotten, but we did the same when we went paleo (switching from a vegetarian diet! - neither of my children had ever eaten a bite of meat, yikes!). We told them we did what we thought was best but had no learned new info. And that we were really sorry we'd gotten it all wrong but we are going to make it right now. We explained to our youngest that it was like learning to spell a word wrong and then spelling it that way for the rest of your life, never realising you had it wrong. Then, once you're corrected, you can't go back and correct all the times you'd misspelled it, but you could start spelling it correctly. So, in one week, out went every can of beans/chickpeas etc along with all the bread and pasta and all the oils. In came the truckloads of meat and fish and CO and butter. Talk about culture shock.

    My kids STILL look at me like I'm nuts. But they're eating our new crazy food and feeling the better for it!
  16. KiwiLauren

    KiwiLauren Gold

    Care to share the story of your birth? :)
  17. I had a lifetime of wrong and endless stories of things pre-baby to feel guilty about, but now he's here (almost 6) - I look at mine every day and I think, HOLY **** HOW COULD THIS AWESOME THING BE A PRODUCT OF ME.

    It made me realize nature will find a way. It's not the guilt I think about, but the hope that things can be changed because he's so awesome now after a very rocky first 18 months. (did I mention he (me) didn't sleep more than 2 hrs in a row till almost 1.5 yrs) and know that we are plastic. brains have been rewired. He's a rock-star now and the only thing wrong w him is a scrape or fall now and then.

    On days like today - that understanding that THINGS CAN BE CHANGED is what I have to focus on. It was a rough day, Kid bday party with pizza and cake and juice. I drew the line for the 2nd party in a row, and many other parents were clearly scorning me and pitying him.

    It brought back all those awful personal angst things from growing up the fat kid and not fitting in - but that's about me, not about him and I pushed it aside and soldiered forth. What I'm not sure about is if I want to keep doing kid bday parties. My instinct is to NOT engage in situations that suck. Is that ritual of childhood really going to be important to him and his well being? I don't know. I'm a total introvert - and he is a complete social animal, so probably what I should do is engineer social situations that support our choices.
  18. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    never settle.......moderation is for mediocre.
  19. KiwiLauren

    KiwiLauren Gold

    I'm guessing this ritual of childhood is rubbish. However... if he's the total social animal you say, maybe he can totally enjoy the rubbish ritual without eating cake etc. I tell my kids, just blame it on me, and they go to events (latest was the movies... I was the only mother not supplying cash for popcorn and candy... my daughter got exact change for her movie ticket) and enjoy them in spite of their mother! (It's just me who needs to avoid the awkward social situations :); they seem to cope fine. But maybe this is because I used to be the weird vegetarian mother who didn't let them eat the chicken nuggets and hotdogs.)

    And well done for soldiering on. Those mother-cliques are excrutiating and it's really hard not to cave in an effort to be 'liked' (whatever that means.)
  20. janagram

    janagram New Member

    Ok, my kids were raised on a darn healthy diet (never had sodas...didn't like them) until I went vegetarian bringing in yrs of soy and grains and beans....I guess wknds at their dads (who knows what they ate but probably meat) helped a bit.

    I feel so bad....tofu and more tofu! But as we are all feeling, its over now and we have learned from our mistakes....my son told me he saw an old hippie bumpersticker that said "Meat is Murder" with the M crossed out and WH written over it: "Wheat is Murder!" He said all the old hippies are into meat, not wheat! Hey, I just made that one up!

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