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Getting back to a normal weight from the other end of the scale

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by Hemming, Jul 4, 2013.

  1. Hemming

    Hemming New Member

    Yeah, its very fascinating and interesting. Obviously, I can't really say I'm trying to do the same but I'm trying to be deliberate of all of my actions and rethink everything I do in a way to optimise my health. It has just surprised how similar to when it started getting really bad I feel now. A couple of months ago I was happy with eating whereas I now want to deprive myself and restrict both things and amount. It sounds strange to some but I honestly feel like I don't deserve to eat because I'm just a gluttonous pig. Its a very introvert feeling because I would any day tell everyone else to eat exactly as they like.
    I realise that all of this basically has nothing to do with food - its the manifestation of it. As my dad said 'a lot of people who go through the same as you start doing less and eating more but you do more and eat less'.

    The family is doing great. My brother's wife is having a child late summer which I'm really looking forward to along with them.
  2. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Thomas .... Join Jeremy's FB. .... He is a lovely young man....

    I wish I could say something to help ....

    Martin has an interesting story - for the past 10 days or so he has been helping his brother relocate and doing a lot of heavy lifting ....he feels great and didn't crash like he thought he might.
  3. sooperb

    sooperb New Member

    I think your most positive statement is "It sounds strange to some but I honestly feel like I don't deserve to eat because I'm just a gluttonous pig." That is a good level of self-awareness, it pins down exactly the location of your problem, you have an image problem that is mixed up with guilt.

    You have somehow tied together a stressful event which has affected you deeply (I suspect your father's illness) with a responsibility that wasn't yours to take, fear and guilt are unsafe bedfellows. Your guilt (which is misplaced because you have done nothing wrong) has you beating your healthy self in a subconscious attempt to make yourself suffer as you perceive your father did.

    I think you know this, you need to find a way forward to repair your self image and let go of the guilt. I think you said you were having professional help, I hope they find a way to let the real Thomas out of the box :) He's a fine young man who needs to move on.
    Hemming likes this.
  4. Hemming

    Hemming New Member

    You've described it really well! I haven't thought so much about the guilt before but it makes sense to me. I've more regarded it as always feeling inadequate and therefore wanting to do a lot of things to make my parents happy instead of myself. First it was school/education then job/money then running. When I had all that I tried to do them even more because I didn't know what else to do - I just took the easy way out. When I crashed completely I thought that starving myself would show some form of willpower that they would appreciate. Obviously they would never think like that.
    Another therapist I spoke to last year also mentioned the guilt and we did some exercise to 'exorcise the demons' where she was saying different lines inter alia 'realise it is not your fault, that you could have done nothing more and nobody expected anything else from you'.

    I'm still seeing a psychiatrist who is really good (we have even talked sous vide equipment and recipes :)). I do need to let go of that self image. Ironically, I couldn't care less about how people look or what they wear, because that's not what's important to me yet I still believe that everyone else is noticing every little detail on my body.

    Thanks for chiming in, I really appreciate the thoughts.
  5. Hemming

    Hemming New Member

    The last few days have been up and down. This weekend I had one of my 'anxiety attacks' which I haven't had for a long time. The worst part is that it was while talking to dad on the phone and something just ticked me and I started yelling at him. I had to call him Monday to apologise even though he knows the situation.

    Now I'm just really looking forward to spending time with the family and relaxing during easter.
  6. Hemming

    Hemming New Member

    It was great being off for Easter! The weather was great and I spent several days at my uncle's farm helping out with different things like cutting grass for the cattle and horses and laying potatoes. I also helped my brother and his wife with their new garden.
    Its incredible how much just being outside and digging in the earth can make you feel better. Its just what Ameer and Jack talked about in the latest podcast.
    nicld likes this.
  7. sooperb

    sooperb New Member

    Hi Thomas, I'm pleased that you have had a good time. It was the opportunity to divert yourself and work outside and be with people who don't judge you as hard as you judge yourself. Maybe it was a pointer in how to help yourself heal?
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2014
  8. Inger

    Inger Silver

    maybe you should move to your uncle and work on his farm Hemming :) :) :)
  9. Hemming

    Hemming New Member

    I thought about that too. I have again started to consider if I'm using my life in the way I really want to. Right now I feel so stuck in my mold, drained of mental energy for interacting with other people and generally just depressed. But those days were somehow different, it was like there was a purpose with being again.

    Like I haven't thought of that :) That said, it couldn't work out in practice. He also said that I should get my own farm and raise cattle. The idea has been with me for a while and I wont discard it yet.
  10. Hemming

    Hemming New Member

    I felt like writing a short update since it's been so long.

    I'm doing a lot better although things are not perfect. The good news is that I feel and look better than I've done for the past two years. I've started powerlifting which has been a fun experience because I've met a whole new set of people with a mindset I've not met before. They don't care about aesthetics, they care about being as strong as possible. That said, I really like seeing that my Buddha belly is becoming smaller and smaller (almost gone) and my sixpack is returning. Ideally I didn't give a shit about having a sixpack but I'm not just there yet.
    More importantly I feel much better mentally and get a lot more things done. I still often feel guilty for eating which is my biggest problem right now. I'm trying to identify less and less with it and focus on fueling my body for optimal performance. That strength training can really destroy me if I don't eat and sleep properly.

    Me deadlifting 70kg. I know 70kg is laughable but for me its an achievement and everyone in the gym have been so supportive even though my lifts are nowhere near what they're lifting.
  11. Hemming

    Hemming New Member

    It has been an amazing in every sense of the word. Its definitely not over yet though.

    Its just an awesome feeling being able to use my body again.
    caroline, nicld and fitness@home like this.
  12. kovita

    kovita Gold

    loosing faith and support in your own body is one of the most disappointing things in a man's life. I have experienced it. There is much more into being able to use ypur body again, at least as i sense it, you discover a whole new bunch of levels that you had no idea about before. It is like moving from being "a potato" to being an "onion". The shape might look similar but there is so many levels between the core and the superficie. Well, not sure I explain myself well, most likely not really, but maybe you'll understand.
  13. nonchalant

    nonchalant Silver

    Good to hear from you again, Hemming.
    Do you feel guilty when you eat oysters? I know when I swallow a dozen of them whole for a meal, they feel like nothing. My tummy doesn't seem to feel them, they just disappear. Like I didn't eat anything, but I'm no longer hungry. It's definitely a different eating experience.
  14. Hemming

    Hemming New Member

    The guilt goes for any food. The worst thing is that I then eat very low calorie foods like cabbage, kale, broccoli just to feel physically full without being satiated as I'm not getting enough energy. After big amounts of cabbage I feel extremely full physically and then the guilt is even worse as I'm still hungry but feeling like I'm about to vomit. Following that I'll have no energy mentally or physically.
    Its getting better with eating more fat simply because I feel so much when I do. I do like oysters a lot and I can eat a ton of them but even with them I would feel guilty.
  15. Hemming

    Hemming New Member

    I know what you mean. I very much agree.
  16. nicld

    nicld Gold

    You are not alone in the feelings. Sometime I feel the same way and probably will feel like that forever. For me, the guilt comes from the misguided thoughts that food made me fat and food will keep me from losing weight. It is a daily struggle, hang in there. We can get through this.
  17. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Great to have you back :)
    Maybe... just skip the cabbage...... ;)
    do some wild herbs here and there, fresh from the ground, you will get way more from the than from cabbage or veggies and they do not fill the belly much at all :)
  18. Hemming

    Hemming New Member

    Yeah, I'm a huge fan of herbs and I rosemary, thyme etv. from my parents. The problem is still that I need to eat more than just the herbs. Hmm, skipping the cabbage, maybe that would be an idea - I just love those veggies so damn much :)
  19. Inger

    Inger Silver

    well... I am not speaking of rosemary and stuff...lol I mean fresh wild herbs picked in the woods ;)
    Like chickweed, nettles, etc. There are many! I eat them almost every day... I am addicted... I do not do veggies much at all.. some cucumber here and there for hydration that is

    If cabbage hurt you.... why continue ? :)
  20. Inger

    Inger Silver

    well... I am not speaking of rosemary and stuff...lol I mean fresh wild herbs picked in the woods ;)
    Like chickweed, nettles, etc. There are many! I eat them almost every day... I am addicted... I do not do veggies much at all.. some cucumber here and there for hydration that is

    If cabbage hurt you.... why continue ? :)

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