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Feel Like I'm Floating

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by jenaf, Nov 2, 2015.

  1. jenaf

    jenaf Silver


    I've been a member for years, and a gold member for a while now (eventhough my profile here still says silver) and I have yet to start a journal.

    I'm on facebook QH page a lot, because its short and sweet. and visual. I'm a visual and kinesthetic person, so writing is NOT my strong suit. But Alyson's vulernability and honesty has inspired me to start a journal.

    super fast background history:

    -grew up swimming in the ocean, running barefoot on the beach until i was 12,
    -always had stomache aches, on antibiotics, ear infections, food allergies to gluten/dairy
    -always slept in the room over the garage with the electrical panel all through high school where i gained weight, and pulled more into my shell, closed off emotionally, especially with guys, supressed a lot of my femininity because i thought to be a strong woman you had to be masculine
    -had mononucleosis (or something) first year university
    -dropped out, went traveling, had so much fun
    -began a 10 year career in film (nnEMF hell, blue lights, altered circadian rhythms)
    -got into the social scene of film (drinking, drugs, risky behavior)
    -became sicker and sicker, more unhappy
    -returned to university, got some sleep
    -went nonfat, nonprocessed, no sugar
    -competed in Ironman triathlons, worked in a gym with fluorescent lighting
    -made JV rowing team
    -began a new relationship
    -had acute pancreatitis, in hospital 1 week, had gall bladder surgery, back in next day for another week with E.coli since the dr cut the gall bladder in pieces to remove it, which i was told after was against protocol, all the docs said i brushed with death twice in one month
    -relationship became abusive for 1 year, ended relationship
    -graduated bach in kines
    -started 3 year massage program (under fluorescent lights 8hrs/day, with less clothes if being massaged)
    -tired every day at school, would fall asleep in class, sleep 18hr days, no motivation, for 3 years
    -raw vegan for 9 months, kept gaining weight, kept having gallbladder sx (with no gall bladder)
    -graduated from massage
    -went paleo
    -started training with kettlebells for RKC (under fluorescent lights)
    -found Jack's site, went epi-paleo (but not leptin rx)
    -did 1 week of CT, 6 weeks before RKC exam, and started passing out whenever i trained
    -couldnt work, had tons of medical tests, saw ND: adrenal exhaustion, all hormones flatlined on the ASI
    -ND had me on cortisol
    -returned to JK's site, returned to epi=paleo with BAB, but not leptin rx
    -got off cortisol and on to DHEA, minded my light and some nnEMF
    -got Magnetico, got off DHEA
    -met Jack in person, and a few others (Canadian boys, Krista, Wendy... didn't actually meet Rub but he was there) allowed me to fully embrace all this, got over my fear of being a lone wolf doing all this crazy stuff like CTing in the ocean in Feb (while neighbours called the paramedics thinking i was trying to kill myself WTF???)
    -full on DHA, light, magnetism (missing the water...)
    -moved to ground floor, out of city central, close to the woods/ocean

    Overall energy is the best it has been in atleast a decade and a half, but not as good as it could be/should be.

    My two biggest speed bumps at the moment:

    1. drinking enough water (why the hell is this so difficult?!?!?!) probably my biggest challenge. interesting side note: easier to drink water while i was in Palm Springs for 4 days... getting UV!! but still onlymaxed out at 3L when i probably needed 5-6L

    2. my ambition is waining. i used to have direct goals, and work with laser focus to achieve them. Now i have a hard time even with daily chores. some days I'll dream big, get excited, map out a plan... then it all dissipates and i talk myself out of it for reasons that i'm not even clear on. I'm sure it has to do with my level of dopamine (light, water, magnetism)... but i had it before in this environment - why can't i get it back?? My recent reno was a good example. I committed to it, and some days i was running around before work, getting everything done, and others i had to battle with my low dopamine, with my drop in motivation. Some days I love my job, i get so excited to problem solve my patients poor movement, and other days I am so bored with my job but i can't think of an alternative career to pursue. How do i get this back???
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2015
  2. endless

    endless New Member

    Hmmm, can't help you with the ambition....I'm afraid I've never been great in that department. Mostly due to lack of self confidence in my case. :)

    Look back at your bullet points......you've done a lot! You even moved to a better environment, and will move to an even better one eventually.... Maybe it's ok to just be UNfocused for a while? Or just focus on what helps keep that dopamine steady....
  3. jenaf

    jenaf Silver

    i've been unfocused since 2012. i feel so lost, so untethered, floating. I'd rather be like water, flow with the environment, changing course however life gives obstacles but with a destination. i have no destination.
    Cpt.Tired and Mystic Rose60 like this.
  4. Mystic Rose60

    Mystic Rose60 Let the sun shine on you :))

    Jena, so nice to see you here and that you also made the leap to begin a journal. I guess Alyson has inspired us both to begin.
    Just remember Jena, none of us got this way overnight and we all have different n=1 and it takes time to heal. You are here and you're making progress already Jena. That's what this is about. I've found that by staying focused, just on this path, is very rewarding and it's not a path that many are willing to take. So, good for you!

    As for your water consumption, what kind are you drinking Jena? I was drinking distilled for three years and then made the switch to spring and RO, but found that I feel best on biocarbonate spring water and actually require less now, than when I was consuming the others. I also make sure that no matter where I am, I always have plenty of water with me too. It just becomes habit to carry it with you and you get used to that. Remember too, that the more nnemf you're exposed to, the more dehydrated= the more water you feel the need to consume.

    When you say "full on DHA", what source are you consuming Jena? I've found that for my n-1, I actually am more focused when I consume more raw oysters. I had to go for almost five days without them and had to eat wild salmon and sardines and some shrimp, and I noticed that my focus was not the same. So, now I am concentrating on eating more oysters than any other seafood and it's really helping. Just something to think about Jena. I think the kind of seafood we eat does make a difference too.

    Nice Journal and thanks for sharing! :)
    jenaf likes this.
  5. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    The most interesting thing to me: Neighbors calling the paramedics to save your life: The irony was they had no clue how good the attainment of your thoughts were already. This is the battle we all face. The world is in denial of nature. We have created precepts of what is true. It is time to improve the fidelity of our thoughts.

    How attuned are we to what time we are creating for ourselves really? Are we tuned to what matters in this life? What is our fidelity to the nature around us?

    I’m hoping some of you are realizing “fidelity” purchased with money is deadly, and money can destroy a life and the people who hang out inside it.
  6. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    I want to be your magnifying glass then and focus your light to make you burn. I want to improve the attunement of your light.
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2015
  7. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Jenaf..... Jack was the one who made me see my destination.........

    I have survived so many painful things through him.... because I could see the light in the end of the tunnel no matter how dark it was/is
    it gives you the strength to do the right things even if they are so hard
    and you will never lack purpose in your life anymore.
    Now, I feel the opposite of floating and lacking purpose... it is almost too much
  8. Inger

    Inger Silver

    How many times have I seen this. It makes me sad to watch and it has made me kinda scared of money too
    Mystic Rose60 likes this.
  9. jenaf

    jenaf Silver

    I accept. And thank you.
  10. jenaf

    jenaf Silver

    Inger, I will hang in there... That's what I want the most: purpose.
    Cpt.Tired likes this.
  11. jenaf

    jenaf Silver

    Is that you Lynn Marie? I have trouble knowing if people are the same people on The QH page! Lol

    Water: RO mostly, Pellagrino or other bubbly water, even tap water (no fluoride here) with bicarbonate added. I have bought several different drinking containers, have them in every bag, at every location. It'll take me a good 30 mins to get 1L down the hatch in the morning and that's if I sit there undistracted. This is my biggest hump.

    Seafood: all of the above. I get good quality fresh seafood, more shellfish than fish. Oysters 1-2 week (2-4dozen) although the last few weeks I haven't had any. I love all seafood and don't have a problem sticking to it.

    Well, we will see where this journey of journaling goes!!

    Thanks for your input!
  12. Mystic Rose60

    Mystic Rose60 Let the sun shine on you :))

    It's me Jena. Glad we connected here! It's your journey and one day, you'll eventually find what works best for Jena. It's by no means an easy path. Easy is mediocre and one never thrives there. That's why we are here. We desire so much more! ;)
  13. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Wellness/illness law: Change is abrupt when your environment sucks chronically. Reality then manifests and things turn on a dime. Everyone is safe, until they aren't. Ignorance is bliss until illness comes. Then you cannot fathom that a simple light bulb could have do
    alyson thiessen and Joe Gavin like this.
  14. WereBear

    WereBear New Member

    You also have to give yourself time to heal and let ambition come back naturally.
    Cpt.Tired likes this.
  15. jenaf

    jenaf Silver

    But maybe this is the way ambition comes back naturally - wanting it back, needing it back. Being tired of floating with no destination for 4 years. I can easily say 8 months ago I didn't want it back. I knew it had left me but I was too tired and unmotivated to want it. Now I want it. I see that as a good thing, a natural progression, now I just have to figure out how.

    I was thinking that maybe if I am consistent with the little things, it will pour over to the bigger things. I heard a tedtalk about a woman who designed video games and she had a major concussion. One way she healed from it (on the motivation side) was to turn her life into a video game and she scored points for achieving small tasks such as looking out the window and finding 5 people walking their dogs.

    (Yes looking out the window at the morning sun probably was the physics behind her healing lol #lightforthewin )

    How I relate to the above is more like creating small goals/destinations that will get bigger and bigger once achieved. Just thinking "out loud". Hmmmmm.
    TerrierMom and endless like this.
  16. Joe Gavin

    Joe Gavin Face Everything And Rise

    Yes, this will get you where you want to be. The power of a daily habit (or habits) will definitely help immensely. Staying present and mindful; owning the feeling of distraction and then mindfully becoming present. It's all practice. Life is practice. I've practiced being mindful of thoughts and emotions over last 30 days and it's been a great experience. Not all positive of course, but without the dark you can't appreciate the light. The old Buddhist saying, Nothing is god or bad, just our thinking makes it so. You have the tools inside you already. :)
  17. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Is ambition enough? no
    jenaf likes this.
  18. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Ideation without execution will lead to deletion of every good idea.
  19. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Failure is the pivot foot of change. I'd rather be partly great because I tried, than entirely useless because I did not.

    Persistence. Perfection. Patience. Power. Prioritize your passion. It keeps you well in an insane environment.
    alyson thiessen and jenaf like this.
  20. endless

    endless New Member

    I agree Jena, small goals are a good way to start. Just think, floating is a lot better than sinking! 'Go big or go home' is not the only way to the prize, in my opinion. I am steadily improving in small doses and that's a good thing in my eyes.

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