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ESCAPE ROOM JOURNAL

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. Bob Stirling

    Bob Stirling Silver

    What is gravity? It is a force that keeps us upright on the earth, energy must be expended to escape it. Could it also be a sensuality that holds all the parts and pieces of your home (all aspects of you life) together in a beautiful way?
     
  2. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    DAY 79-81 - A place to call home

    So I found a place. I take possession tentatively June 1. I have to do a final NNemf check but I don't anticipate any problems based on the low/medium density of the building and area. It's right by the river in a fantastic green neighbourhood... which means morning sunrise at my doorstep in the valley. I committed to a one year lease... so as to burn my boat this time that took me across this river.... and face the opportunities and challenges ahead without excuses, without escape routes. I'm walking into the fire...

    ...

    I had a voice lesson yesterday, and it was a revelation. Sometimes I sing, and half way through the song I disengage because I realize my performance is boring... but what I didn't realize is that... when it becomes boring.... you don't just give up... no.... thats WHEN YOU DIG DEEPER...you dig into your soul and find MORE belief.... MORE sound... MORE profundity...MIORE emotion. Its a microcosm of life.. of the black swan way.

    ...

    Lately I've been thinking less, and acting more. A quote goes like this: "Thinking is easy. Acting is harder. Acting how you think is hardest." And so lately, I've been visualizing what I want to do, and then just focusing on doing it. When I fail, I swiftly, and confidently move on to the next action piece. When I am in doubt or dissonance, I aggressively propel forward and stand firm by my decision. It serves me in this moment.

    ...

    I'm truly, quietly, excited. I love this new place to call my home. The physical space. The location. But more importantly what this represents. HOPE. OPPORTUNITY. NEW BEGINNINGS. SELF LOVE.

    I'm excited about taking care of washing my own clothes. About building the space to represent me and invite people over regularly. About making music in this space. About spending time in the river valley as my haven, my exercise space, my sunrise and sunset spot, and my thinking and breathing ground. About being in control of the food that goes into my body. Full control.


    J
     
  3. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    ^^^^ I like this.
     
  4. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Sometimes when we break our chains we discover love where it wasn't supposed to be
    It often was hidden right in front of us. If you want to see it, allow Mother Nature to talk some sense to you.
    She'll free you from the shackles.
     
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  5. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 82-84 - Through which all wishes flow

    It just hit me today the brilliance of my farm visit.

    It is in the doing of what you don't want to do...that all worldly things you wish for become reality. Executing. Taking action. Not when you feel like it, but when the moment requires you of it, either by force or by design. And so because this is naturally uncomfortable for human beings, it is discomfort that is the golden key to life in this here and now.

    I've felt stronger these last few weeks. I've been doing things that are uncomfortable, slowly, but surely, without apology, without dwelling. It's brought awareness to the muscle of discomfort within me. Small, uncomfortable wins lead to the ability to unlock larger challenges of discomfort, which leads to even larger challenges. For me, that's following through with inconvenient tasks, having difficult conversations with people. It will serve me and surely lead up to big things in big places. I'm not strong, but I'm stronger than I was yesterday. I"m not healthy, but ideas have been planted in my psyche that will allow me to pave a path of new optimal gains.

    J
     
  6. Ignoring comfort or discomfort, and focusing on your goals. Priceless
     
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  7. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 85 - peculiar

    I have something peculiar to say. I found my why. My why is that I want to physically look like a 30s something male model. I don’t want to be just healthy, I want to look fucking spectacular. At this point I could care less about my personality or behavior or attitude with respect to attraction.. I just wanna look fucking good. That is all.

    ...

    Lease signed. As far as I can tell from my emf meter, things look safe. Excited to incorporate optimal into my life for real. I need to lose this gut in a hurry. Lol. Sun + seafood + ct for the damn win.

    J
     
    Christine_L likes this.
  8. 5G Canary

    5G Canary Gold



    Makes me unexpectedly happy too! :whistle:
     
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  9. LOL nice one

    My new mantra is "I am tan, hot and fit." I'm going to get there by telling myself I am there already.

    Yours should be "I am a hot AF male model."
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2019
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  10. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Channel your inner model daily........I do.

    I like me some me.
     
    MITpowered26 and Bob Stirling like this.
  11. Sorry not sorry!

     
    MITpowered26 and 5G Canary like this.
  12. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 86 to 102 - New spaces, faces, places

    Its been a good couple weeks. I've been busy moving in, soaking up the experiences, and settling in.

    Its been up and down but I've been getting stronger because of it, and thats quite remarkably satisfying. :)

    The first week, I had some company. A platonic girl-friend who was in transition between places stayed with me. It was great company. We cooked, did laundry, chatted, played electric guitar together, and walked in the beautiful neighbourhood. It was like we were a couple. A strong couple. And for the first time I realized what that was like - to live with someone you get along with, that you fit with. She has been a profoundly positive influence in my life and during the first week, I cherished every day with her.

    It's just too bad she does not like guys. But thats ok.

    Shortly after she left, I let myself slide back. I remember one night I felt really alone. I vegetated, immovable in bed. And then same thing the next day.

    And then something great happened. I decided to pick up myself. I cooked a meal. I went on a walk. I went on a run even up and down stairs. I started to create an inventory of emotional patterns that were happening to me. And then brainstorming solutions/reframes/attitudes in spite of those situations. "FEELING LONELY --> REFRAME to THINK OF SOME POSITIVE THINGS YOU HAVE DONE FOR YOURSELF."

    I have started not just listing positives like an empty exercise of the past, but I have been really moving towards "feeling" within myself, the positives of what I have been doing. You are lonely. I get it. But hey, look at all this stuff you've done. Feel good about it. And I have.

    ---

    Something else happened during these last two weeks that was a huge move for me. I cut ties with what you could consider my long time mentor, voice teacher. It was a necessary move for my growth. It was becoming too comfortable, too stagnant. He was probably in my circle of 3, but with my best judgement and intuition, it was time to move on. And despite listening to this person and that person, and meandering left and right, up and down, past hills and valleys, deserts, and mountains. I seem to always come back to this voice inside myself that knows whats best for me. And thats been the best thing about this moving out process is gaining a sense of self. Hearing my own voice. And growing.

    Its been great.

    Oh, and I hardwired my internet, which I'm pretty proud of. haha.

    J
     
    countingstarsx and Katie Durham like this.
  13. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 103: Narcissistic revisited, sex, and trappings

    Indeed I am very much obsessed with physically looking the way I looked a decade and some ago. In yet I've come to a realization that while this is a worthy goal, I don't seem to want to put in the required work to get there. Not being hard on myself, just a soft thought. Much like my musical endeavours. I am obsessed with wanting to be a youtube pop star, but the work required .. its like walking through a shiny door to realize the blood, sweat, and tears behind that door as you walk through it.

    Its a round about. I know already that while physical looks is like the foot in the door in this world of tinder-dating, its only just the foot. And the game is yards and yards. In yet I obsess in ideas but output a lame effort. And round and round I obsess over wanting sex. In yet its so hard to accept that perhaps this scarce resource for a male of my calibre, was by societal design. A rigged supply and demand engineering, that has and will control my sexual needs and existence. Its the game, and these are my cards. But moreover, seeing the forest through the trees, I'm like the lab gorilla that can't, wont, leave his forever cage when freedom is given outside his cage. Much akin to the tobacco user that has only ever known tobacco, and cannot give it up for it is his/her identity, his/her attachment...her sacred vice. So too, is my desire, my need, for sex, which burns bright.. yet my imagination, expectation, and fantasies are not really... what I know I want, or will be satisfied with.

    Its a round about. I know intuitively that sex ,validation, and the world of fast and furious, is a black hole of never-ending dis-satisfaction. But I forget this. And that its not what I want. Trappings of society. . .

    J
     
  14. Katie Durham

    Katie Durham New Member

    I'm still patting myself on the back for that one too! LOL
     
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  15. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Jason is it the sex or love you crave?
     
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  16. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Hi Jack,

    Short answer: LOVE

    Long answer: If I listen carefully enough to my inner workings, my past experiences, some of the most disgusting feelings I have experienced have been during BOTH short sexual encounters, as well as longer term ones devoid of meaning. The common thread is the lack of positive value I perceived in those experiences, regardless of duration. Lack of mutual authenticity.

    Ditching the idea that society thrusts upon you about revering sex in the male experience...is a scary one. It almost leaves a deep and dark abyss of unknown re-definition. But on the flip side, if there's something I should grasp by now, its that there is always a light that shines in the distance that makes it all worth it in the end.

    I don't believe I know what love is intuitively. But I know intellectually what it represents ... and its certainly more open, expansive, genuine, and vibrant.

    I. SHALL. MOVE. TOWARDS . LOVE. AND. LIGHT.

    J
     
  17. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 104: What do I want?

    I know the greater truth, truths inside. I really do. Its whether I choose to heed my own realizations that is the question. The first step in redefining, for example, my relations, intimacy, interpersonal experiences, (and not falling back into numb, foggy trappings of consciousness) is to shut the fuck out everyone else. Meaning, not literally, but rather in discovering, developing, listening to my own god given viewpoints and first person experience. My truth, brudda and sissta. Too often I've leaned on opinions of others, robbing myself continually of MYSELF.

    Writing, journaling, IS that outlet whereby I can form my thoughts and search for meaning. Not to get soft, but this forum has been a blessing for me in finding myself.

    So what do I want... I just want to live and keep writing and finding meaning. Through that process I think I will be alright.

    J
     
  18. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 104: PART DEUX - First Value

    I know why I'm obsessed with the physical, looks, and the superficial in others, and why I have trouble moving past it in others and seeing anything else but a physical entity .... Its because when I look at myself right now, I reject myself to have any value based on my own physical. Time to start building my OWN internal value.

    That is all.

    J
     
  19. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Love to read your writings Jason. At the same time it hurts a bit..because of some painful memories that are pretty fresh yet. and it has something to do with my last partner, that left. He was a narcississt. When I read what you write I feel that same struggle and what I saw in him.. that emptiness, superficiality etc. I am so very happy you are still here and has not run away. :love: IMHO that is what heals.. when you stay, and you do not run away..... as you write above.
    My ex would have healed too I guess if he had stayed, but he did not... he already had started to heal..it was amazing.. and then-he run away. as he always used to. When we stop running away from ourselves, but stop, and get deep...learn to love ourselves... that is when healing occurs. At least this is my experience :)
     
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  20. 5G Canary

    5G Canary Gold

    Jason-

    You are more than alright... you have the gift of pen and you have shared this blessing and yourself with all of us. Thank you.

    My thoughts on self love...

    Self love is similar to finding peace in oneself...it is not something you can force on yourself or anyone... as any parent who wants this for their own child knows.

    Learning to self love is like breaking all of society’s rules. It feels wrong because that’s what we’ve been taught. It is scary...it can be like trying to quiet the ocean by pressing upon the waves. Self love lies in somehow opening to the chaos, allowing the anxiety, moving deeply into the tumult, diving into the waves, where underneath, within, peace simply is.

    In my opinion, that peace is when grace comes in and flows freely through your veins and self love is achieved... you are already In the ocean, you just need to look at the waves differently.


    My Dad shared this with me and I thought it seemed appropriate here...

    “There is a desire within each of us,
    in the deep center of ourselves
    that we call our heart.
    We were born with it,
    it is never completely satisfied,
    and it never dies.
    We are often unaware of it,
    but it is always awake.

    It is the Human desire for Love.
    Every person in this Earth yearns to love,
    to be loved, to know love.
    Our true identity, our reason for being
    is to be found in this desire.

    Love is the "why" of life,
    why we are functioning at all.
    I am convinced
    it is the fundamental energy
    of the human spirit.
    The fuel on which we run,
    the wellspring of our vitality.

    And grace,
    which is the flowing,
    creative activity, of love itself,
    is what makes all goodness possible.

    Love should come first,
    it should be the beginning of,
    and the reason for everything.” G.May
     
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