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Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 45: Blank Space

    I am sitting a new and trendy cafe spot in the arts district...

    I decided to put pen to paper today and jot some stuff down. First things I have listed out are "things important to me." These include:

    -sense of self
    -growing business

    I haven't committed to any of the above yet. I've only listed what is important to me in my life right now.


    Last night I was filled with sadness. I came to the re-realization that a lot of things in life take work. I laid in bed all day, crippled by the idea that life is work, and that time was acutely ticking away.... I don't know if this "real" mindset is helpful. But its certainly real.

    My life perspective is skewed ... It's what the world is telling me, but I don't see it yet for myself.. and I want to, need to.

    I've realized going outside of myself doesn't need to be extreme...I don't need to zoom out the state of the world to understand.. I only need to looking around me to the people immediately in my life to see a bigger picture. Family, friends, workers, patients. How I impact their lives, and how they impact mine. The "effort" people make in being part of my life...and the reciprocation that is natural to any interaction. Life 101! Reciprocation.

    "And even though this life, this love is brief
    I've got some people who carry me"

    Perhaps the correct word is "effort." Life takes effort. Passion makes effort easier, but effort is fundamental to the care we give to ourself, to people we love, to things we desire. It's the energy we direct towards stuff in general.

    Effort.Commitment. Work. passion.

  2. @MITpowered26 that girl sounds great LOL I love it. Shes your new BFF! Whenever you need a wake up call, she will bust your butt! You need people like that in your life...

    As for the other stuff.... there is no try, only do.
    Solidsilverteeth and caroline like this.
  3. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    So Jason ....I am guessing that you have just been "sailing" thru your life thus far?????

    You are very bright - no question.........but what are you doing with all that brain power????

    Are you moving mountains? changing lives? helping those less privileged?

    Or ...is it all about making money? being the nice guy? being the most popular? Being the best looking???

    You went to Mexico to meet Jack for a reason........now show us what you got man!
  4. 5G Canary

    5G Canary Gold

    So a boy takes a girl to a bar...Love it! :thumbsup:
    Take her to the beach instead...the light is better!
    Solidsilverteeth and Christine_L like this.
  5. I want to go to the beach!
    Solidsilverteeth and 5G Canary like this.
  6. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 46-50 - Seasons Changing

    @caroline I came to some hard realizations this last week. One of them being what Caroline has mentioned. I've been "sailing" thru life thus far. It pains me to say that, because I am very protective of the that guy in his teens and 20s, and what he went through with his mental illness. But it's true. I've lived a comfortable life overall.

    In regards to what I'm "about," if I may speak my truth and my path, I'm focused on learning to help myself, fend for myself, support myself, and love myself. I think what is necessary for me right is just to learn "life" as an independent adult. How to interact with reciprocity, how to cook, how to be organized, how to clean for myself, how to create my own home that I call my own.

    You are being very perceptive in your comments, @caroline, in that what I am "about" is more than what I'm being right now. And those comments you made makes me realize there is so much more I have to give to this world with this time I have... but right now, I have to learn to carry my own water.. truly..and with full commitment.

    In this vein, I have thought through an important decision to me right now in my life. I have decided to move out of my parents place and once again open to the door to the cages around me and learn to fly again ... I know now that I will stumble, there will be lonely, unmotivated, "difficult" personal challenges ahead, but it feels different this time. I think this time I am ready to move on and live my own life and shape my own destiny as an independent man and leave the comforts of the parental nests.

    I am viewing a loft I am currently enamored over. It's on the fifth floor, east facing ,with a big balcony... which translates to: naked morning sunrise. I know I don't get to talk about my hopes and dreams without action..so I won't go any further. But it's time to look at the man in the mirror and make a change.

    KrusinWitchie and caroline like this.
  7. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 46-50 - Part Deux, Doing my Laundry

    There is someone really close to me that has hurt me for a very long time. I have been awakening ever so slowly to this truth and realization. "Nobody deserves to treat you badly." Indeed. And for me, its gone on far too long. The language used towards me has filled my cup with negativity and darkness for so many years such that I cannot see light. I only see the darkness. The weaponizing of their love is also something that has affected me greatly.

    Something I have caught on late to is the inherent human behavior people possess - that of projection. People close to us and around us, surround our minds with lies and guilt and shroud the truth and light. They feed their own insecurities and emptiness by toppling over you and bleeding into you. I get it now.

    It's been a grasp this person has held for far too f*cking long, and its time for it to stop. It's been a cage I have known my whole life, a mental prison of ignorance, comfort, and security. And so my purpose now is the anti-thesis of this: To seek truth, discomfort, and fire.

    In the privacy of my own self, I'm f*cking pissed off that I've been lied to. I've been sold a story, a game, that turns out to be fraudulent. A projection of someone else's f*cked up story.

    F*cking control.

    Call it stockholm syndrome. We fall in love with those that hurt us the most. A sick, sick dysfunctional attachment to people we need to cut ties with.

    I'm f*ckging pissed. And I love it.

  8. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Now thats real progress Jason!

    I don't know if Jack would mind me saying this ......I will take a chance....

    Jack said he used to always take his laundry home to his Mother and he has never made a bed!

    Long ago Jack told me that someone very close to me had F*cked me over and I didn't deserve that.
    Jason - I think you can understand how liberating it is to hear that.

    I also learned to use the phrase WTF ....a lot! It says it all in three short words. There is absolutely no misunderstanding what you are meaning.
  9. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    I love seeing human growth on this board.
  10. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    I am in your corner Jason - 150%

    We all have dragons to slay........being F*cking pissed gives us the energy and momentum to move mountains!

    Please remember tho .....now that you know better - you must do better.

    Don't let others trap you in all their bad behaviour and actions.........this is ALL about YOU, and YOUR quantum journey.

    OWN IT! LIVE IT! expect this of yourself and nothing less.
  11. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    My approach will be two prong:

    1: move out
    2. confront those close to me, everytime, EVERYTIME they try to pull shit on me. I am here to fight, and I am here to stay.
  12. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    MITpowered26 likes this.
  13. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Jack often tells us that we allow people in our lives to treat us the way that they do.

    Sometimes you just have to clean house .....use a BIG broom - and don't look back!

    I am pretty sure that not one of your supposed love ones is going to take your place in your grave when the time comes.......

    You are done with all the BS .......move forward now.
  14. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I already have a couple rental options lined up. Good affordable options.
    Solidsilverteeth and caroline like this.
  15. Katie Durham

    Katie Durham New Member

    Good for you Jason! Have you analyzed your rental options for which will have the least nnEMF exposure? I don't know if your parents were in a standalone house, but the idea of moving into an apartment concerns me because of the lack of control I will have over what could be emanating from the other units. Just saying it should maybe be a consideration in which lease you sign. A good meter would help.

    You have helped me understand that there is something very important that I have been talking the talk without making the commitment to do. So easy to rationalize our actions. Time to turn that around.
  16. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Good reminder! I keep forgetting to bring my meter to viewings. But luckily the one I'm considering is a duplex that I am taking the basement suite in, so I'm hoping it will be low...

    It makes me smile to hear that my journey helps your journey!
  17. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 51-56

    I'm sitting here at Jack's farm with Nathan, Josh, and Jeremy. I'm observing, feeling, listening. They have all shared their stories, their souls, their thoughts, and feelings. It's f***ing deep and I can't help but leave to the next room to write and simultaneously still eavesdrop on the beautiful conversations unfold and feel an intimate connection the way I feel and find meaning.

    There's something that feels very close, stripped, about three men flowing the way these three are flowing and vibing right now - time, relationships, personal history, authenticity - and its almost overwhelming and arresting at the same time. It has taught me tonight about myself that this scares me..it scares the f*** out of me to be intimate, and bare my soul, and be raw and unabated. And thus, the irony here is that I find it much easier to be just that to the internet, to the jack et al, to you, to everyone and nobody at the same time... I can write and release into the universe and close my eyes. Something is blocked inside from connecting at a true human, face to face level.

    A couple things that have stuck with me from tonight:

    1. One of the stories someone mentioned tonight was about being 12 years old and the guy reflecting on when his relatives would raise him to feel special, god given gift to the universe. It was his revelation thereafter, a coming of age to realize this truth, this fostered identity was perhaps a bit skewed. That resonated with me... as me right now. I remember earlier today when Jack took us to a local oyster bar where he wined and dined us, where a jazz piano player was entertaining us, and we all entangled in a heartfelt way. But I also remember thinking why this experience has bubbled to the surface this deep emptiness and unhappiness within me. Like WTF is wrong with me? The picture of this moment was so precious, special.. in yet in my head I couldn't get over the fact that the hot barmaid wasn't talking to me and why I wasn't talking to her. Like I'm empty inside, my shit is fundamental broken when Jack is trying to give us his love and thats all I can think about...

    I literally just started to realize, at 33 years old, that I am actually not special, I only exude it on delusion foundations. I am looking around at these men, Jack, and there is so much love, passion, wisdom, connection. In this case a comparison to others is a much needed exercise in reality for me. I don't got shit for problems compared to some of these guys stories..and i'm NOT better than them like part of me believes. I"m a laggard.. I say that in a nurturing....tough self love way.

    2. This bleeds into the second point that another member imparted on me tonight. Authenticity. Every moment of your life is a chance to express your truth. Not B, C, D, but A. Option A. Option A being your best self, your dream self, all you got in that moment. That is f****ing truth. That is the way of the "superior" man. There is no trying, because trying exudes an unsureness in you. Its actually binary... its just finding your believe and having the courage to be that. A sense of self and letting that compass navigate how you move through this world.

    The recap:
    1. I'm not as intimate as I feel I am. And it's humbling. The entanglement that Jack has brought together tonight is off the chains for a group that barely even met. Its deep in a way that is beyond my wisdom at this point in my life for a group, face to face discussion.

    2. Express my truth, however that may be, by never settling for a inferior way of being, with courage, risk, belief.

  18. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    I thought that was you in the pic! in front of all those oysters!

    I must say that after meeting Jack I felt empty - kind of like at ground zero.

    then you can rebuild your optimal self, your dream self.....

    Option A from now on Jason! Demand that of yourself from now on.......
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  19. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I know right?! I think we depleted the worlds supply of oysters in a single night - ha ha ha. it was actually pretty EPIC!

    Your comments about ground zero take me down memory lane to a time that stuck with me. I was in in a 3rd year General science, "pre-dentistry" degree... I was in a workshop with a teachers assistant giving extra help to us... I talked to him and he went off on "what chemistry is" how it was an interconnection of atoms etc... it made me see the picture so clearly that I never saw before... and then he was like "...anaaaand thats the beginning of the story of chemistry." He looked at me, I looked at him. And then in part shame, part shock, and part disbelief, I walked away and buried that memory. Until now. You see, I was a third year fucking general science student...but that TA woke me up and made me feel like I was at ground zero. It had humbled me so much that day that I had to run away from the truth...the truth that I didn't' know shit. That I had been memorizing my way through general sciences, and NOT truly learning, "getting it."

    My mind is buzzing right now. As I sit and reflect on my journal entries as a whole, for instance, there is something child-like about it...I"m speaking from my inner-child. And by purging myself of these thoughts and emotions, I'm reconciling with that child, that personal history, and all the shit that needs to find meaning so my life can evolve from it.

    But ground zero. This DOES feel like ground zero in some way. And I feel I have to commend myself for at least making the step to continually break myself in order to build myself back up again.

    It's going to be a really good day today. I dont' have expectations of anything at this point or anyone.. other than holding myself to my own highest standards..for me.. That is of relentless care, relentless gentleness, relentless compassion, and above all else relentless effort to move the needle ever so slightly every day with courage and conviction. SOOO much love and belief Jack has of me. I believe in me too.

    Anne V, caroline and KrusinWitchie like this.
  20. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    I found "ground zero" to be a nice place to be. It was very calming, and quiet, and quite lovely and no pressure. The hard part was getting back TO ground zero.
    Now we can start to build SLOWLY, from the ground up. Jack has given us the tools.

    From that point on, I think, my intuition took over....and I just slowly rebuilt my life - the way I wanted it to be.

    Can you imagine Jason .....when I was in Orlando with Jack - I wanted to buy dinner.

    Jack said to me "are you sure???"

    Can you even imagine how many oysters he ordered that night?????????

    There is a pic of me some where ....looking at the bill! yikes!

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