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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. Katie Durham

    Katie Durham New Member

    (((Jason))), we're all rooting for you. I like that Jack was part of your journey back.
    MITpowered26 and Anne V like this.
  2. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member


    I'm actually back. Writing again and wanting to write again. This had been such an enormous outlet and part of my life last year.

    I told myself the last few months "It's going to take time" to mentally to get back to my baseline again, but I never quite believed things would recover all that much, given the enormous mania i had experienced and lack of sleep for 21 some odd days in L.A. and 5g - NYC of all places.

    If theres a silver lining, and there are/were many, at least I got out right before the so called "covid."

    Everytime I've been corresponding with Kruse optimal members in the last few weeks to months, including Jack, it took me back to a dream that I was cultivating. A dream that I did not quite understand at the time, but one that I feel ignites more and more in me everyday. A vision to finally make a place like the Yucatan my second home somehow, and immerse myself with the optimal crew, and feel utterly, emphatically, profoundly fantastic in the presence of SUN + WATER + MAGNETISM.

    So as I've been getting back to some sort of normalcy in my mundane city life, I've been feeling more at a loss with myself... restless, without direction, without hope, without purpose. It's not as intense as it would read, but nonetheless, its there. And then I talk to a member, and then I smile, and remember.

    On a rosey note, it's been sunshine 31 degrees celsius here. I've been earnestly getting some outdoor contact with the sun frequently. And I just recently discovered the river that runs through my city is a great way to get some mild CT. ... Here's to hoping I can get a wade/swim in tomorrow down by.. the river.

    Raffael Zissu likes this.
  3. John Schumacher and MITpowered26 like this.
  4. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    At 16 degrees Celsius, a wet suit is a must during a triathlon swim. At around 20 degrees Celsius, a wet suit is optional.

    Today I didn’t expect to get the nodd for a river swim as it was rainy all day - and I assumed the city overflow would contaminate the water too much.

    Well I did get the nodd - from a triathlete buddy that would take me into the elements.

    The water was 20.4 degrees Celsius today. I did not have a wet suit. But what I had was a ball of excitement and nervous energy for what I was about to experience. Some CT, Mother Nature, and a bit of exercise.

    I got into the water with my guide. Chilly. Started breaststroke underwater. I immediately popped my head back out of the water. Too cold to breathe under there. No problem. So far so good.

    I would breaststroke above water to the middle of the river when ... the shit hit the fan. The current was deceptively fast, the water deep at this point,and I was already gassed, hyper ventilating, and still not used to the temperature.

    I panicked. And panicked hard. My guide was a couple metres away and Appeared to be watching me struggle.

    This was an important moment for me, where man met Mother Nature. And indeed I was drowning in water, in ignorance, and in gluttony for a fanciful idea of adventure.

    Eventually I would clue in that he was there to help. I would call him and tell him i don’t think I would make it across. He propped me up to float, and catch my breathe. And then he let me be on my way again.

    I struggled some more. Breast stroke to back float. I really wanted to quit in that moment in full Panic still. How would I make it across, what the fuck did I get myself into?

    And then I stood up, and I was somehow on the other side. Shook. But relieved.

    “I wanted to challenge you,” my guide said. “I’m glad things happened the way they did, that you are somewhat afraid of the river now, that you respect the river.”

    Indeed. River swimming is no joke. Mother Nature is no joke.

    So why does an unfit, weak swimmer think it’s a good idea to challenge a river? I don’t know. It’s always something I’ve been compelled to do. Take on things that I cannot win, perhaps, and just try to keep afloat, keep my head above water.

    As for combining ct and exercise — yeah, not a good idea. I’ll be bringing a wet suit next time!

    Sean Waters and John Schumacher like this.
  5. Beautiful experience - respect her, she could kill you.
    Suggestion: Learn Wihm Hoff - breathe, practice 50 degree moving water, standing with the water up to your chin for 20 minute sessions. You may not need a wet suite next crossing of the river.
    Grandpa John
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  6. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Black Hole Sun

    It's amazing how upgrades and downgrades in my thinking software really affects me. I'm an overanalyzer/overthinker by nature, and spending an inordinate amount of time alone can be a really black hole that consumes me. I've made an effort to get outside this summer ever since I got back on my feet from my setback a couple months back. I've been kicking ass staying outdoors and moving into the daytime heat regularly with my solar callus built up.

    It's amazing what the mind can do to you. I use to hate the heat as a child. It was intolerable. And even at the store, I still keep things pretty chilly much to the complaints of the staff. ... bring a sweater. lol. But now, with the mindset that sunlight is good for me, massively good for me, I "experience" the sun with a smile, and enjoy it. I've been mostly playing tennis/pickle ball with a rotation of players throughout the week. I hope this will load me for the long winter ahead, as I am unsure how much I will be able to get down south with travel restrictions and quarantine protocols.

    The only thing missing to my tennis regime is a nice cool off with some ice cold water. Now that I think about it, I could build a shower contraption in the SUV and cool off periodically wherever I am! Something to think about.

    I'm still not grounding as much as I should with just tennis. One step at a time. Like my singing teacher use to say, any lifelong endeavor is like sanding wood. You just keep sanding and smoothing things over with wholehearted repetition.

    Similarly, my quantum game ebbs and flows, and is far from perfect. But bathing daily, immersing oneself earnestly in the habits of meeting sunrise, eating seafood, grounding, etc, is a daily, lifelong practice. ...

    Is my motivation always there? Nope. I wish it was binary. Its so much more simple when motivation is ON all the time. The effort becomes enjoyment, the process becomes easy.

    So here I am. Back at it. Working on my tennis serve, day by day, ball by ball. And working on my quantum game step by step. I have much to be grateful for. Finding my way back miraculously to functioning health, to a functioning business, and a quantum community that makes things feel right in a world that is deeply troubled right now.

    Carpe diem. Ace it. Chasing the sun until the sun don' t shine no more.

    John Schumacher likes this.
  7. It's tough when the quantum yield is low.
  8. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    True. It's like diminishing returns sometimes it feels like, when I know going down south pays immediate and exponential dividends.
    John Schumacher likes this.
  9. What are you measuring? before and after therapeutic intervention.
    Results will give you a better idea your on the "right path"
  10. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Nothing objective, currently...
  11. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    So.. 5g has arrived in my city, sprouting into neighbourhood by neighbourhood. It will be an interesting next year with the long winter coming, covid travel restrictions, and basically no sunlight. Right now I'm "feeling" good, admittingly mostly by keeping busy exercising in the sun often. Everything else has been somewhat inconsistent for quantum practices.. but to be fair, I've been recovering from a major episode... low thinking power, isolated brooding, spinning tires, was a mainstay thing the last couple months as I got, firstly, my sleep caught up. Sleeping endlessly to recover from what I think of as a major chemical-concussion-like brain injury.

    So right now I'm happy. Happy that I'm active. For my mood and for my brooding mind. After exploring much of what the cities exercise coaches had to over, from triathletes, to strength coaches, to tennis and basketball teachers, I have finally found a really cool, youthful, enthusiastic, and kind athletic coach at a reasonable price point. Our goal together? To make me a complete athlete. Work on my running, my jumping, my shuffling, my strength. And do it 100% outdoors through the winter and summers - no gyms. Why? .. Well something exercising for the sake of exercising just hasn't seem to have stuck with me over the years. What better way to tune my body than to do it working towards an external goal - become a better X sport athlete. Work on all the fundamentals of movement, eventually play sports, and not think of it in terms of the language of "exercise."

    Seems bold considering I have a major belly, lol, since the new york hospitals steady diet of sun chips and refined ham and cheese white bread sandwiches, which I gobbled up virtually every hour on the hour, into the wee hours of the morning, for my 10 or 15 or so day stay. (the meds they gave me during my stay accelerated my appetite - I'm off that particular one now).

    I guess if I shoot for the moon, perhaps I'll land amongst the stars.

    Sean Waters and Hunger4More like this.
  12. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    do without ego

    Just write. Just fucking write. The first steps are sometimes the hardest, but sometimes taking them is all we need in our journey forwards.

    I had two important calls that came in today. The first was a financial advisor I started talking to. Great guy, unique approach that I have not had before from other advisors. He sits down, he gets to know you, your goals, what drives you, and helps you how to get there.

    I identified 3 main goals:
    1. To build my business to a point where I am able to walk away periodically without the sky falling down on me/it.
    2. To use the time away to head south to the tropics as often as I can.
    3. To get healthy

    The second call, a timely one, came from Jack Kruse today, checking in on how I have been making out. It was nice to hear from him and another member Joe Fang. .. People, community, and resonating frequencies that are intimately linked to the 3 main goals I have listed above.

    I have to be honest, I'm a pretty fucking impulsive person and I change my mind on things so many times over. It seemed like after my health scare last year, coming back to reality in Edmonton, a failing business, and the thought of relapsing on another travel venture, my days chasing sun in the south were numbered. It was perhaps time to find a new shiny health paradigm to latch onto.

    Today's phone calls remind me that this is not so. While I'm not optimal, while its damn winter here now, while covid giving me travel dreams that wont be a reality anytime soon, and while I am still stabilizing my life and business again, the goals still endure. That means something to me...

    Without ego. Do without ego. Don't think about writing just write. Don't measure your writing, just articulate. Don't expect an outcome, just see what happens with a healthy curiosity.

  13. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Excited and Ready for November Tracking. G = Sperti Vitamin D SunLamp

  14. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    11 degrees C / 52 degrees F Outdoor office naked in my kiniki.
    #showingup #gettinger'done #dreamwork

  15. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Love you Jason.
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  16. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Love you too Jack.
  17. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Absorbing Truth

    Often times, I look back on things I write and I cringe. Did I actually write that? On the flipside, writing in the moment is so therapeutic that I never have regrets. It allows me to reach catharsis, to articulate key insights into myself and how I relate to the environment around me.

    A huge struggle for me in my business has been having to be the manager of the store. I have zero management experience, and more importantly, suck as a manager. Its been an uncomfortable journey, but one that has had a major breakthrough today in the way I'm seeing this role.

    I have recurring themes that crop up in my day to day life. One of them has been this desire to "move out of my parents house" and break out on my own. I've done it many times but seem to crash back to my parents house inevitably. But more pertinent to todays' stream of thought is the idea of how my role in the family unit, my role in the household, has intersected with my role as a manager.

    I've always known intuitively that there was something dysfunctional and stagnant in nature about my maturity growth curve and my sense of responsibility. And until now I couldn't quite gather enough pieces of the puzzle to push me over the top.. and actually see the problem from outside of the woods. But now having turned over employee after employee, I've started to take a look that perhaps, the problem was me the whole time.. both as a manager, and in terms of personal development.

    In short, I'm fucking spoiled. And it's my fault at the end of the day. It's led me to not not only be lazy (physically and mentally), but also self-absorbed and flaccid when it comes to my ability to get along with others, communicate, "collaborate" and "resolve conflict."

    I started to actually log during my shift every time I was internally pissed off but never showed it. It was a lot. I was pissed off at everything. When staff talked to me about virtually anything. And why? Why was I pissed? Why did interaction make me so uncomfortable and working by myself seem to easy and natural, even if it meant doing more mundane work that I hated? Because I'm an "only child" at heart. I have an older sister, yes, but she has always had to be independent from a young age having had less parental attention.

    Today has been a reality check and one that has been a long time coming. The answer to my management problems, my parental problems, my dating problems, was in the way I thought about the problem. Sounds so cliche, but when it clicks I guess it just clicks in my head.

    Awareness is the first step in change, and I'm getting doses of that - now that I am willing to see the truth of my being. The embarrassing truth I should have learned in middle school over a decade ago - that my family's needs doesn't revolve around me - even though I've made it this way. That being special is not a self-entitled badge you wear, but something you earn through hardwork, perspiration, and a right of passage.

    It's that feeling when you realize "I'm it, I'm on my own, and what I get from this universe and this life, is what I choose to go out and grab." That's what frightens me and makes me the most alive... and the lesson I have to keep learning until I get it.

    Jackie Jolie and Sean Waters like this.
  18. Sean Waters

    Sean Waters New Member

    Love this mate. I'm mirroring a lot of what you wrote here... look outward now and pay attention to nature. It is always trying to talk to you and guiding you... TRUST IT.
    Jackie Jolie likes this.
  19. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    On self-growth, art, cowardice, and happiness

    hey y’all.

    I have been busy as of late building my financial literacy. I’ve realized how important and interlinked educating oneself is to the wealth-health paradigms.

    We endeavour in life to build wealth in order to live out a reasonably long and prosperous Time course - to “buy” us more quality time.

    And then so begs the question, what does one endeavour to pursue with their time on this earth? I’ve been very fascinated lately by the concepts of polymath and to a lesser degree polyglot. Fundamental to people that achieve such heights of mastery, therein lies such a crucial skill set - that of thinking, that of observing, that of learning.

    From that skill set, pillars beholden. I’m inspired to devote the rest of my life now, to mastering reading, writing, and speaking - the Actionable (dare I say) three legged stool of Growth.

    Just the other day I started a private video diary in an effort to help me Improve my articulation with speech. It felt really good. What felt so good was the validation I was giving and receiving within. The patience, platform, I raised for myself. It helped me not only make sense of my world at this moment, but uncover learnings of “why I am the way that I am.” It was a truly satisfying discovery.

    I’ve been also discovering and learning about literary authors as of late as well. Something always bothered me about why I couldn’t sit down and read fiction. I just didn’t “get” literature and I so badly wanted to.

    Enter a writer by the name of David Foster Wallace - DFW for short. A brilliant, hyper conscious, articulate genius of his time. An intellectual giant.

    Listening to him speak is like eating something really tasty - it just goes down smooth. His words, his demeanour, the beauty of his language. He taught me why literature and stories exist: because they help describe to some capacity, an understanding of the human condition that would not otherwise be able to be spoken in a more simplistic, direct way... some things we just don’t talk about.

    As I got to know DFW deeper, it became apparent he was, like so many, a tortured artist. His primary element was words on a page .. of which gave him an out - an outlet for which to speak and have catharsis over difficult subject matter. He commit suicide in 2008.

    This I Wonder about: the mad genius of certain artists of history. The fractured-ness Of the human condition and perhaps, how art helps heal this schizophrenia.. and maybe on the same token how doing so makes one live FULLY in reality with a way to reconcile the existential confusion, like reopening ones third eye.

    Is this why the genius of artists often leads down, ironically, Down a dark path of depression, substance abuse, or melancholy about the deep truths of existence?

    Enter neo, enter the red pill, and enter hope for the future. Hope is life force underpinned by the powerful energy of love. Do brilliant minds die because they see the powerlessness of their minute position in the system... or perhaps is there an element of cowardice? Cowardice to try, go beyond the constraints of fear, to face down the dragon.

    Bitcoin doesn’t represent faith. No. It represents hope. The unknown identity(s) behind bitcoin represent more than dollars and cents, more than 1’a and 0’s...but maybe that’s a rabbit hole for another day.

    Jordan Peterson says that human beings require so little fucking encouragement and validation to survive from others.. in yet this element of human interactions is so scarce in the corporate capitalist society we live in.

    A ted talk I watched the other day discussed a study that has been going on for the last 75 years and counting... tracking with hours upon hours of yearly Interviews of people from all walks of life. It is attempting to answer the question : what makes us happy. The 75 year old conclusion: good relationships.

    And so yea.... do I want 6 pack abs? Do I want health and wealth ? Yes. Would I love to be a polymath renaissance man some day? Cool. But above all else, I need, want, must, have to, cultivate good relationships in my life. This is the glue that Holds the foundation together.

    Last edited: Jan 31, 2021
    John Schumacher and Sean Waters like this.
  20. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Last sentence......focus on it
    Sean Waters likes this.

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