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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Another message:

    “I am doing good. I really am doing good.”

    Ok then, no more intermediary for me. Get your ass back here, dork. :p
  2. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Ok, one more. I am such a sucker. (But I do believe he’s doing ok, and will be back.)

    Hello jack and all,

    I feel very guilty and reckless for the abrupt stoppage of my journal. It’s the only way i know how to do things. I really do care. But when I don’t want to do something anymore (like write ) I just don’t. And there is no other way to explain that. I have grown so so much through journaling in the last year here, and I am thankful for all the support I have received. My life has really really changed and I am now ready to start living... I have been finding meaning and enjoyment these days in entangling face to face with people and over the phone. This is not a period , but rather a comma. I am a black swan thru and thru... and will continue to attend as many of the live events as possible... and look forward to meeting you.

  3. Inger

    Inger Silver

    I really wish he would make it though, for him :) because everyone deserves to live a life full of love and light :)
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2019
  4. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    I sent him this yesterday—one of my favorite kirtanists (chant leader for Bhakti yoga of devotion). Best wishes for his ongoing transformation.

    This guy is special. See him or (better yet) take a workshop. He and his family opened up my voice in many ways. Looks like he’s in Toronto in a few weeks.

    He Maha Lakshmi He Saraswati He Mata Kali Jagatambe Jai Jai Ma
    He Ma Durga He Ma Durga He Ma Durga Jagatambe Jai Jai Ma...

    We call out to the great Divine Mother in the forms of creator, preserver and transformer
    We offer our salutations to She who embodies the highest reaches of Love, the Mother of all

  5. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Heeeeey everyone.

    Whoa. Its been a while. And its been a friggin' crazy last half year. If the last 6 months have taught me anything, it is that without your health, you really have nothing. I have heard that saying ad nausem til I rolled my eyes back in spirit, but I actually get it now.

    Much to @Phosphene 's credit, she noticed a while back that through my writing, I was behaving a little more frenetic and wierd.. the truth is.. I am on meds for mood stabilization (can't remember if I have written about it before) ... what happened was during the last mexico trip 6 month ago, I forgot to take my meds here and there, and much to my surprise (light, water, magnetism, I know...) I was feeling good. It planted a seed in my head that hey, maybe I don't actually need meds. After all, I had maybe only two severe destabilized events in the last 12 years? And there it began... my slow, descent into madness for the last 6 months off meds... ****For the record, it was my own decision to stop my meds, and nobody, Jack, gave me any medical advice on this topic.

    It's honestly hard to know you are sick when you are sick.. the lack of insight.. the "Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole" .. it's quite insane how far gone I had become, and how I have managed, with the support of people in my life, and perhaps angels watching above... that I have yet again, managed to make it back to what we know as reality.

    At the height of my delusion (or I should say at the bottom of it) I had ran away from my responsibilities to my patients/company, and booked a redeye to LAX/Los Angeles, trapped myself in a hotel room for days upon days, imaging I was a tortured actor in Hollywood... it was another world...

    ..and then the script called for me chasing the woman of my dreams (imaginary of course!) to New York City.. where I spent most of the time again, in hotel rooms, sitting in complete and utter chaos within my psyche.

    .. and then the hotel calling the police for "bizarre behaviour", and the ambulance.. and enter: The Queen's Psychiatry Inpatient Ward... where I spent a good part of the 15 days waiting for the next snack or meal... often bologne sandwiches with mayo and mustard (my favorite), or fruit cocktail (my childhood dream food!).

    In seriousness, it was, looking back, a crazy ride through the hospital. When I finally got out, with the enormous help and vetting of Dr. Kruse, I found myself back in Canada, and now in the midst of a viral pandemic and a business that was on the verge of bankruptcy and parents barely hanging on to their shirt.

    What a zoo, what a circus, what a crazy and confusing experience. I'm sane now, I'm stable now, I'm grounded now. And heading back to work next week to rebuild my business. I enter reality now with a certain gratitude, humbleness, perhaps maturity.

    And it's led me back to the forum that I slowly weaned off of in my descent to madness half a year ago.

    So ya, I'm back. I'm here. and yea.

    Health. It's what be are born with hopefully.. and what we leave this world without at some point... And besides that, we have community. People. Digital or live, whichever. Those two things seem to be all that really matters right now to me. Health and people.

  6. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Good to see you Jason.
    Oh man, what a roller coaster you have been going through! Yeah... sometimes we only learn through crazy roller coasters ;)
  7. Sean Waters

    Sean Waters New Member

    LOL fuck it, I always think these crazy times: "It will make a good book / movie one day"........... this forum is going to be full of potential Best Sellers IMO.

    Good to see you back as well mate. Begin again.......
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  8. Hi Jason,
    Glad you’re back in the saddle and that you are doing fine. Wishing you success in rebuilding your business and of course optimal health!
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  9. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    Glad you're here and that you are OK and you have supporters far and near.
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  10. Katie Durham

    Katie Durham New Member

    (((Jason))), we're all rooting for you. I like that Jack was part of your journey back.
    MITpowered26 and Anne V like this.
  11. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member


    I'm actually back. Writing again and wanting to write again. This had been such an enormous outlet and part of my life last year.

    I told myself the last few months "It's going to take time" to mentally to get back to my baseline again, but I never quite believed things would recover all that much, given the enormous mania i had experienced and lack of sleep for 21 some odd days in L.A. and 5g - NYC of all places.

    If theres a silver lining, and there are/were many, at least I got out right before the so called "covid."

    Everytime I've been corresponding with Kruse optimal members in the last few weeks to months, including Jack, it took me back to a dream that I was cultivating. A dream that I did not quite understand at the time, but one that I feel ignites more and more in me everyday. A vision to finally make a place like the Yucatan my second home somehow, and immerse myself with the optimal crew, and feel utterly, emphatically, profoundly fantastic in the presence of SUN + WATER + MAGNETISM.

    So as I've been getting back to some sort of normalcy in my mundane city life, I've been feeling more at a loss with myself... restless, without direction, without hope, without purpose. It's not as intense as it would read, but nonetheless, its there. And then I talk to a member, and then I smile, and remember.

    On a rosey note, it's been sunshine 31 degrees celsius here. I've been earnestly getting some outdoor contact with the sun frequently. And I just recently discovered the river that runs through my city is a great way to get some mild CT. ... Here's to hoping I can get a wade/swim in tomorrow down by.. the river.

    Raffael Zissu likes this.
  12. John Schumacher and MITpowered26 like this.
  13. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    At 16 degrees Celsius, a wet suit is a must during a triathlon swim. At around 20 degrees Celsius, a wet suit is optional.

    Today I didn’t expect to get the nodd for a river swim as it was rainy all day - and I assumed the city overflow would contaminate the water too much.

    Well I did get the nodd - from a triathlete buddy that would take me into the elements.

    The water was 20.4 degrees Celsius today. I did not have a wet suit. But what I had was a ball of excitement and nervous energy for what I was about to experience. Some CT, Mother Nature, and a bit of exercise.

    I got into the water with my guide. Chilly. Started breaststroke underwater. I immediately popped my head back out of the water. Too cold to breathe under there. No problem. So far so good.

    I would breaststroke above water to the middle of the river when ... the shit hit the fan. The current was deceptively fast, the water deep at this point,and I was already gassed, hyper ventilating, and still not used to the temperature.

    I panicked. And panicked hard. My guide was a couple metres away and Appeared to be watching me struggle.

    This was an important moment for me, where man met Mother Nature. And indeed I was drowning in water, in ignorance, and in gluttony for a fanciful idea of adventure.

    Eventually I would clue in that he was there to help. I would call him and tell him i don’t think I would make it across. He propped me up to float, and catch my breathe. And then he let me be on my way again.

    I struggled some more. Breast stroke to back float. I really wanted to quit in that moment in full Panic still. How would I make it across, what the fuck did I get myself into?

    And then I stood up, and I was somehow on the other side. Shook. But relieved.

    “I wanted to challenge you,” my guide said. “I’m glad things happened the way they did, that you are somewhat afraid of the river now, that you respect the river.”

    Indeed. River swimming is no joke. Mother Nature is no joke.

    So why does an unfit, weak swimmer think it’s a good idea to challenge a river? I don’t know. It’s always something I’ve been compelled to do. Take on things that I cannot win, perhaps, and just try to keep afloat, keep my head above water.

    As for combining ct and exercise — yeah, not a good idea. I’ll be bringing a wet suit next time!

    Sean Waters and John Schumacher like this.
  14. Beautiful experience - respect her, she could kill you.
    Suggestion: Learn Wihm Hoff - breathe, practice 50 degree moving water, standing with the water up to your chin for 20 minute sessions. You may not need a wet suite next crossing of the river.
    Grandpa John
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  15. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Black Hole Sun

    It's amazing how upgrades and downgrades in my thinking software really affects me. I'm an overanalyzer/overthinker by nature, and spending an inordinate amount of time alone can be a really black hole that consumes me. I've made an effort to get outside this summer ever since I got back on my feet from my setback a couple months back. I've been kicking ass staying outdoors and moving into the daytime heat regularly with my solar callus built up.

    It's amazing what the mind can do to you. I use to hate the heat as a child. It was intolerable. And even at the store, I still keep things pretty chilly much to the complaints of the staff. ... bring a sweater. lol. But now, with the mindset that sunlight is good for me, massively good for me, I "experience" the sun with a smile, and enjoy it. I've been mostly playing tennis/pickle ball with a rotation of players throughout the week. I hope this will load me for the long winter ahead, as I am unsure how much I will be able to get down south with travel restrictions and quarantine protocols.

    The only thing missing to my tennis regime is a nice cool off with some ice cold water. Now that I think about it, I could build a shower contraption in the SUV and cool off periodically wherever I am! Something to think about.

    I'm still not grounding as much as I should with just tennis. One step at a time. Like my singing teacher use to say, any lifelong endeavor is like sanding wood. You just keep sanding and smoothing things over with wholehearted repetition.

    Similarly, my quantum game ebbs and flows, and is far from perfect. But bathing daily, immersing oneself earnestly in the habits of meeting sunrise, eating seafood, grounding, etc, is a daily, lifelong practice. ...

    Is my motivation always there? Nope. I wish it was binary. Its so much more simple when motivation is ON all the time. The effort becomes enjoyment, the process becomes easy.

    So here I am. Back at it. Working on my tennis serve, day by day, ball by ball. And working on my quantum game step by step. I have much to be grateful for. Finding my way back miraculously to functioning health, to a functioning business, and a quantum community that makes things feel right in a world that is deeply troubled right now.

    Carpe diem. Ace it. Chasing the sun until the sun don' t shine no more.

    John Schumacher likes this.
  16. It's tough when the quantum yield is low.
  17. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    True. It's like diminishing returns sometimes it feels like, when I know going down south pays immediate and exponential dividends.
    John Schumacher likes this.
  18. What are you measuring? before and after therapeutic intervention.
    Results will give you a better idea your on the "right path"
  19. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Nothing objective, currently...
  20. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    So.. 5g has arrived in my city, sprouting into neighbourhood by neighbourhood. It will be an interesting next year with the long winter coming, covid travel restrictions, and basically no sunlight. Right now I'm "feeling" good, admittingly mostly by keeping busy exercising in the sun often. Everything else has been somewhat inconsistent for quantum practices.. but to be fair, I've been recovering from a major episode... low thinking power, isolated brooding, spinning tires, was a mainstay thing the last couple months as I got, firstly, my sleep caught up. Sleeping endlessly to recover from what I think of as a major chemical-concussion-like brain injury.

    So right now I'm happy. Happy that I'm active. For my mood and for my brooding mind. After exploring much of what the cities exercise coaches had to over, from triathletes, to strength coaches, to tennis and basketball teachers, I have finally found a really cool, youthful, enthusiastic, and kind athletic coach at a reasonable price point. Our goal together? To make me a complete athlete. Work on my running, my jumping, my shuffling, my strength. And do it 100% outdoors through the winter and summers - no gyms. Why? .. Well something exercising for the sake of exercising just hasn't seem to have stuck with me over the years. What better way to tune my body than to do it working towards an external goal - become a better X sport athlete. Work on all the fundamentals of movement, eventually play sports, and not think of it in terms of the language of "exercise."

    Seems bold considering I have a major belly, lol, since the new york hospitals steady diet of sun chips and refined ham and cheese white bread sandwiches, which I gobbled up virtually every hour on the hour, into the wee hours of the morning, for my 10 or 15 or so day stay. (the meds they gave me during my stay accelerated my appetite - I'm off that particular one now).

    I guess if I shoot for the moon, perhaps I'll land amongst the stars.

    Sean Waters and Hunger4More like this.

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