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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Wait, is that a like or dislike? I love being alone so it’s a tossup in my book.
  2. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    The following might read as crazy and out of the blue... and I’m okay with that:

    Ok I’m going to preface and give context as I love to do. I have no business speaking to others on the concept of romance.. or love for that matter. What I do have, however, is an ever growing sense of myself.

    There is a particular long time former student of the music studio That I’m bringing up today. We never really crossed paths during our times taking lessons. But then we finally did. And we clicked.. really well. I courted her quite regularly for a few months - there was no intimacy involved. Chemistry for sure. And then there was news shortly into our courtship where she said her parents were summoning her back to Hong Kong to live there, after living on her own in canada for a decade and some bit. She obeyed. There was no convincing her otherwise...

    Those couple months, looking back, hold special memories for me. I was more overweight at the time than I am now. Definitely more emotional baggage.

    She treated me at the time with a lot of care. She valued me, and she saw something In me (that which I Am not clear of) that allowed her to open up and embrace.

    She is an extremely guarded, yet content person. In his 9 years having her at the studio, my music instructor has never seen her open up to anyone as much and as quickly as she has to me. And I cannot help but feel good about that.

    Yet as closed off as she is, my music instructor told
    Me a story one day of an experience he had of her. It was a bad day for him. He was going through some stuff. It rarely shows for him, as he always strives for excellence In himself and in his capacity to Be fully Present for his beloved students.

    He was sitting on a bench in the studio. A rare display of a certain defeat in him. She sensed it. And in that moment.. she showed herself when humanity called her to. She sat down beside him and put a hand on his shoulder .. she did not say a word.. nor did he.

    He described this touch as something very meaningful and healing for him. Something he did not expect but came to appreciate. And as he tells me, it was In that moment he saw explicitly, a certain depth in a woman.. a certain compassion... empathize... understanding... and connection.

    She left for Hong Kong some 3 to 4 years ago. We contacted each other on and off.. and had some serious conversations of courtship .. also on and off. I don’t think she was sure though, In my many moments....if I was truly serious about wanting to settle down with her. And she was right..

    She is flying in next week for the first time since her departure 3 years back. I am taking her to the mountains. And she will be In the city for a week or so to tie up loose ends and visit with the people she wishes to see.

    I am prepared to marry her. I am prepared to help her move her family here and support them.

    And if this is how I feel, what stopped me from taking action before? That’s A good question. It is Because I didn’t know there
    Could be a chance before... I didn’t know there was a glimmer of hope for us. The timing was unfortunate. I wasn’t ready.

    Well, I’m ready as I’ll ever be, right now.

    But Jason, as convincing as you sound, how do we know this is really what is right? You go as hard left as quick as you go right ?

    And that’s another great question. One I have no
    Defense for given my history. And that’s a very damming point.

    There are consequences to action. Actions that may not matter to me.. but they certainly affects others.

    I don’t think I comprehend how gigantic what I am
    Saying is here. In yet I kind of do. And that’s why I write.. to work through it.

    I asked TM, do you think I will be good for her? He replied, “well, I think she will be good for you.”

    And I feel that truth now. I never really stopped caring about her, I just eventually closed myself off to it out of idea that book was already over. TM always says.. never say never. You are never out of it.

    I don’t know if this is the right decision for me, for her, for her family. All I know is what I feel fully in this moment..

    I’m looking forward to our time together next week. I’m looking forward to experiencing her, getting to know her, and her me, and discerning truth with what the future may hold for us...

    Phosphene, Inger and drezy like this.
  3. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    It’s a want.. but not a need.
    Phosphene likes this.
  4. drezy

    drezy New Member

    Sending some lucky dog resonance your way.
    Phosphene and MITpowered26 like this.
  5. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Thanks Dre. Not sure what that is.. but I won’t ask. Nor overthink it!


    drezy likes this.
  6. drezy

    drezy New Member

    It's the wishing luck PLUS option
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  7. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Further lost... haha
  8. drezy

    drezy New Member

    "I wish you luck Jason" is too boring
    Jenelle and MITpowered26 like this.
  9. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    It is the federal election in Canada today. I am so jacked right now as more and more patients come into the store, and I entangle with them. Never have I seen a country so informed politically then I have now. Right now. And that tells me discomfort, to put it lightly, is hitting home for a lot of people. And I love it.. when it all boils down to it.

    My vision has just gotten much broader and higher of the world...

    good luck canada.

    Phosphene likes this.
  10. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Create with your heart ... build with your mind......

    Phosphene and Christine_L like this.
  11. Sorry I didnt get a chance to reply. Was not ignoring your reply. Any opportunity for you to heal that pain will help you in your journey. Do you think you've forgiven your mom, bio dad and step dad for that pain? Do you feel like they've acknowledged your pain?
  12. Jason, I caught up on your journal. I feel your pain. Its impossible to live up to others expectations and get beyond the control others try to wield over our lives. Tight knit families can be the death of ones spirit. You're doing what you can to balance your love of them and your love of yourself. It's an incredibly difficult task. I'm struggling with this myself.
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  13. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    economic collapse
    growing up as a business, and not a charity foundation
    stepping up to my love life, choosing someone to share my life with

    and current mood:

    see you soon miss china 2019.
  14. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    news feed:

    "We have to be willing to fail, to be wrong, to start over again with lessons learned."

    TED Talk here: http://t.ted.com/SO9H1aA
  15. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Btw.. where is your bxb in your walk the plank squar vid! ;)
  16. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I have always look towards actors, Hollywood actors, with great intrigue and fascination. What Is the inner experience like in preparing for certain roles? The late Heath Ledger comes to mind acutely.. broke back mountain... dark knight..

    These are not easy roles..

    How does preparing for the darkness of the “Joker” affect ones experience of life... before, during, after?

    Sure... I think drugs and alcohol have certain influence in this culture of creativity and coping.. and it’s probably more pervasive than I’d like to know.

    But there is something quite special here, something quite magical, imaginative , soulful, in the exercise of being something of that which you are not. Changing yourself fundamentally, again, and again.

    I have much respect for dramatic roles. I am sure the pay with which an actor demands is correlated with the demands the role will have on the actor. I sense demand to fulfill these roles outstrips supply of actors willing to take them on.. it’s human Nature to shy away from that which is emotionally taxing.... no, scratch that. I give the industry too much credit ... I think motivations are quite whoreish in the players bubbling at the surface looking to break out... and rather.. it’s hard to find ones, willing or not, that can “actually” be someone like the joker... there are clearly long term implications to ones mental health...

    And so I sit here, imagining, trying, deeply, considering what It would be like for me to be homeless. And then I thought of the movie “the road”. ... a frighteningly realistic post -apocalyptic movie of America.. I remember the music .. and the struggle .. and survival.. and the scene where “captured” humans were kept below the floor boards.. like farm animals waiting to be slaughtered and eaten... different “gangs” of people seeking to continue their survival.. seeking to hunt and not be hunted.. horrific, cruel, in yet something very real in the nature. A return to nature.

    No, I do not envy those front-line actor. I do not envy their life.. but I do wish to understand their experience...

  17. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    ... I forgot to get out my conclusion....

    After all that... I realized it is not the horror, the pain, the discomfort, famine, broke, brokenness, unhappiness, pyschosis, deppression, jail, trapped, .. it’s not all the darkness that frightens me. The real tragedy of what the human condition could be is in having no insight into ones cycle of numbness...and never seeing oneself to escape from that in their lifetime.. as jack says.. when people die while they are alive...

    It’s In running out of time to reach the desination with which you arrive at life.. arrive at the now.

  18. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I always reacted as if birds and other creatures of nature.. that fuck off once you “help them” were completely ungrateful asssholes... and it’s humorous to think about it..

    But I stopped today to go deeper with this..

    What if Mother Nature doesn’t have emotions?
    (I get that that is a fallacious question)

    What if I am tuned incorrectly in my perceiving?

    What if it is not in mothers nature’s school of life to foster this mentality.. and rather this is a man made education thinking.


    Maybe it is unspoken that not only is nature an impersonal, meandering, survival of predator and prey, but if one chooses to help another fellow of the jungle,in life or death, that is their choice. There is no thanks or gratitude built in. Time is of the essence in the jungle, and thanksgiving is not only masterbation, but a liability to life..

    “Kill me, ignore me, or save me” You only have limited Moves.. and the show must go on....and that’s all she wrote.


  19. JanSz

    JanSz Gold

    Some of them call "deplorable" some of us.


    • Worthy of severe condemnation or reproach.
    • Lamentable; woeful.
    • Wretched; bad.
  20. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I decided as a new thing... to listen in live today on a testimony the ceo of facebook was making to a government finance committee on fb”s building of Libra - what appears to be some crypocurrency platform.. I sit and observe and have been trying to figure out the pieces to the puzzle of what is actually going on here, underneath. Competing power interests.

    And then it occurred to me - this is so damn nuanced, so far and away from Mother Nature, it’s quite stark. The study of society - sociology - has come to be a diseased endeavour. It’s like studying cancer tissue.. watching it grow and evolve.. its madness studying the decline of society as it moves “forward” with no intention to answer serious questions.. no intention to fix anything.

    Is there a point connecting onself to the modern mans society, or is one best to just not....

    drezy likes this.

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