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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Don’t be stoopified—she’s not biting (much). She’s gifting.

    Oh that view!!!!! :love::love::love:
    Jenelle likes this.
  2. drezy

    drezy New Member

    I know. That view is so amazing.
  3. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Ok. She seems very thoughtful and considerate with her words.

    I am more just mentally and emotionally blocked by this stuff...

    I got FULL days at the cottage though to reflect and work through it..
  4. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    and the sun rises beyond the left half of that lake view! So i got full frontal!
    Phosphene and drezy like this.
  5. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Discomfort RX:

    I'm going to hold on to this day of relaxation.. get a good sleep. hit sunrise.. then pick up the pace tomorrow... destroy this emotional sandcastle i have built.. with more discomfort...

    1. Cold thermogenesis. No bull-shit effort. No snails pace bull shit. Just dive right fucking in, like I am capable of. No fucking around. Work through the problem, and keep working through the problem..

    2. Cooking. I can fucking cook. Cut the doubting bullshit. DIve in. We bought steaks, bacon, sausage, sardines, eggs. DO something with what you got. And really try. Fail. Be vulnerable. BE HUMBLED.

    3. PLAY MY GUITAR. Fuck this "I can't sit still" bullshit. Ya, guitars hard. For you, and for everyone else that never really plays or practices. welcome to reality. pick ONE fucking song, and focus and learn it.

    4. READ. Ya, fucking read a book. However slow it takes you. WE got books in our backpack. Sit fucking down outside..sit fucking still in your discomfort. and just do it.

    Ok. Done.
    Christine_L and Phosphene like this.
  6. drezy

    drezy New Member

    Short shorts and balls dropped out to expose to light...
    Christine_L and Phosphene like this.
  7. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    The landlord lives next door visible to my spot. .. FUCK I FORGOT MY KINIKI.. THAT WOULD SUFFICE THOUGH RIGHT?
    drezy likes this.
  8. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    AFDF267D-AA55-44B5-8F4E-09B231177605.jpeg Oh hey buddy! Thanks for stopping by! Hope u liked the music !
  9. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    That will be you tomorrow.
    drezy likes this.
  10. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I think there’s an algae warning this season though :(
  11. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    What the hell fuckin algae are alive and truly threatening up there now???

    Excuse busted.
    Christine_L likes this.
  12. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Really? No seriously.. there was a warning or something the landlord said? the health authorities tested the water???

    I'm so clueless with this kind of stuff!

    If you think I won't die then I guess I'll go in!!
  13. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Just a closing thought before I go to bed...

    My music teacher is a brilliant thinker, communicater, conveyer of words. He has always told me I "get" EVERY concept he throws at me. High level concepts. Everything. And I've been proud of.

    But there's been one thing I haven't grasped since day one of meeting him. He told me this today:

    "I told you this the first day I met you. And I'll tell you this again, because I'm not sure when you will get this through your fucking thick skull. I spent extra time with you because I LIKE YOU. There's nothing more to it."

    Ya. It's the one thing I'm still hung up on. Maybe it's a trust thing. Dunno..

  14. Jenelle

    Jenelle Evolving

    If I could sit with you at the lake ~ and talk with you in person ~ you would see that I'm not biting at all.

    But I don't sugar-coat things. I'm not here to fuck around. And by "here" ... I mean on this planet, and on this site.

    There are a few people here -- for whom I would literally, quite seriously -- drop my daily life, get in the car (or a plane) and be there for them, if they said they needed me to. These people have been here for me, through thick and thin, and helped propel me through my days ~ whether they realize it or not. I think about them, and their stories, and their families. And I marvel at how we've gotten to know each other, through this site.

    Jack has said, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

    IF I didn't care ... if I were just some random asshole on the internet ... I would not take the time to respond to you ~ and I sure as hell wouldn't be here, reading your journal. You would not even be on my radar.

    Yet. Here we are.

    So what does that tell you?
    MITpowered26 and Phosphene like this.
  15. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    That otter is your “health authority”.

    At least get in below your balls. :D
    Jenelle likes this.
  16. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Sleep log:
    8pm to 130am (5.5 hours straight)

    Ok. So first night cottage wasn't a smashing sucess as I expected. I slept well, but 5.5 hours isn't enough. Humbling. Keep going. Keep going... time to optimize other shit in my life ... time to embrace all the nature principles as a whole, and not mutually exlusive...


    Something else occurred to me as I woke up this morning. And then I read @Jenelle and the recent post on my journal. And it all fits...

    In extension to my sentiment about struggling to accept that my teacher genuinely "likes me" .. there is THIS:

    I went into a fav coffee shop yesterday in the city before coming to cottage. and ordered a coconut matcha latte... the barista's energy, the way she looked at me, was pleasant. She struck up conversation... "So, it must be cool, you see everything in pink?" regarding my ra optics... (ya. sorry, I am still wearing night time lenses, still working on ordering a day pair!)

    Anyways.. I am not blind to this kind of stuff... this barista, whom I was attracted to (her energy, the way she looked at me).. she was "moving towards me" rather than "away from me".... and so I sit here, and i notice this stuff.. but I still have a really really hard time accepting this concept, again. Yes, people like me? Huh? What? Emotional I REJECT this information inside. And I always seem to have.

    Could this be a lesson of when they say you must learn from both failure and of success?

    But then again, in failure, women don't dig me. And so that confirms my suspicions I am not attractive enough.. and then when, like yesterday, the barista was attracted to me, for however brief a moment in time, I discard these thoughts as "not helpful at all"... maybe I'm afraid of my ego inside?

    There is this idea in asian culture of "being humble" yknow? I think?

    So there is another element to this that is uncomfortable to share, so I must share it:

    When I was 20.. and fell mentally ill, I remember wishing my mother was swedish, blonde, and blue eyed. Aryian, maybe that is the right word, not sure.

    My first puppy love girlfriend was polish. White. Blue eyes. I still am fond of her to this day.

    And I wasn't fully honest in my post in the "spoon feeding' thread about asian culture. .. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to go all in on the truth. ..

    ... I don't smile when I see other asian men with women in the supermarket..no... I smile when I see other asian men with beautiful WHITE women.. in the supermarket....

    there i said it.

    I don't think I'm alone in this sickness. This social programming of self-worth, of racial-worth.

    As it always does, this comes down to me. My self-esteem, my self-worth, and as jack, says, my thinking. Its everything.

    People are often surprised . "I really don't get your problem... why are you single? What is wrong with you? There must be something wrong! I mean, you are attractive, successful, kind".. whatever.

    But then if they are lucky enough (or not lucky) to see me open up.. they get it. Ohhh. so thats why. lol.. Because thats how you treat women underneath. Thats how you treat yourself.

    Bon Iver is playing right now on my laptop. A cover of "Can't make you love me" by Ms. Bonnie.

    Indeed. I can't make myself love myself .. if I don't. I can't make my heart feel something.. it doesn't.

    And maybe that's defeatist.. but I'm just speaking this moments reality. And maybe I'll change. Yeah. I know I"ll change.

    So @Jenelle what does that tell me? Hmmm.

    My heart doesn't really know the answer to that right now...
  17. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    ummmmm k.

    this freaks me out a bit.

    i'll work through my anxiety today.. and i'll get it done. hahah

    Phosphene likes this.
  18. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

  19. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Some of the books of Alan Watts (unfortunate name from mito perspective) should make it into your reading list. Meaty stuff.

    And while accepting your current plight and embracing the suck is indeed necessary, there is a yoga concept of replacing a negative thought with its equal and opposite positive. (It’s fun to say in Sanskrit too—pratipaksha-bhavana.) It’s not about having all positive experiences, but finding ways to think more positively about your negative experiences. This and the other concepts in this article have really helped me over the years I’ve been studying them.

    MITpowered26 likes this.
  20. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    4B8D511F-704C-4409-A64E-5B9491A563F3.jpeg Meet meat.
    LieselK, Jenelle and drezy like this.

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