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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    You got this Jason.
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  2. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

  3. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Making a list today. Not pressuring myself to get out tonight if I'm not ready. But I do really want to sleep there tonight, so I will make it happen!

    uhh. well the fail-safe is a stack of sardines and mustard hahah :) and maybe lots of eggs and maybe some steaks...

    @Phosphene I resonate with you on the food thing!
  4. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Thank-you @caroline for taking the time to stop by today :) I appreciate your words.
  5. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    This is amazing. You are helping this sentiment grow in me :) :) :) It makes me happy @LieselK
  6. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    I’m not on Instagram so can’t see the comments, but hopefully others gave him a warm welcome.

    And your food plan sounds good! Add some bacon to go with the eggs. Save the grease and briefly fry your steaks in it if you don’t have a grill available.
  7. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    People are loving his soul searching transformation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT. I LOVE THE MIKE POSNER.
  8. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    I’m down to 2-3x per week showering, natural deodorant and toothpaste, minimal hair care products, and coconut oil for everything else. Been meaning to do a journal entry since this is such a major thing after a lifetime of primping and worrying. Good riddance!!

    Though I still have baskets and drawers filled with old unused products. Really have to chuck them one of these days. Thought I was saving them to donate to a women’s shelter or something, but do they really want used stuff? And why perpetuate the idea that those women need to be anything but their naturally gorgeous selves?

    Ok I do have a few other products that I use occasionally:
    • A rose water and aloe spritz with hydrophilic hyaluronic acid for soothing cooling moisture after sun
    • A natural mineral powder if headed out and my nose got a bit too red and shiny after a day of sun
    • A natural zinc oxide sunscreen for sparing use on tender bits in Mexico—no need for it here
    • Sandalwood and lavender oils to dab on now and then as a mood boost. I adore essential oils and these really help
    Oy, why is this is your journal? Copying to mine!
    LieselK likes this.
  9. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    @Phosphene @LieselK YESSSSSSSSSSSS. My hygiene spiritual animals. haha.
  10. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    You can only chase a butterfly for so long...........the lesson I learned from the results of a mitohack.
  11. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member


    Special morning with patient zero. Thank you. I love you .. this is what I live for. Thanks for agreeing to do this in the cold at sunrise! But I have no sympathies.. u are a hillbilly and this should be nothing for you! :) lotsa love
    Christine_L and KrusinWitchie like this.
  12. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    ... before you have to morph your own wings..
  13. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I want to dance through my life the way Ren and Sam dance to their art.

    That is all.
    Phosphene likes this.
  14. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Spiritual awakening in the presence of nature.. at its best. And its happening right now. @Jack Kruse @Phosphene

    I'm a butterfly flying through a broken sky
    God is serving me truth and I'm open wide.
    It takes courage to be still ,and go inside.
    I'm on the tip of liberation, watch me toe the line.
    When, yoga pose, hits a yoga pose.
    A part of me I really hate showin', shows.
    You get a taste from my posts and my quotes,
    But my inner growth is something no one knows.
    I hope it shows..
    In my eyes...
    In my smile...
    In my music...
    In my stride,..
    In the grand art piece that is my life.
    And again, this is just a brush stroke.
    You been runnin' long enough child, come home.
    Break it down. Universe means one song.
    You wanna taste life? Swim into the unknown.
    I know that I did my best.
    I ain't designed to sit, sleep, eat, and text.
    My thirty-first year is a vision quest.
    I know the answer that I'm looking for isn't SEX.
    And it isn't money.
    It is't fame.
    It's something much deeper than I can explain.
    And this verse is just a finger pointing toward the trail.
    Soon, you going to have to walk it for yourself.
    Keep going.

    Mike Posner, August 12, 2019. "Walk across America"
    Phosphene likes this.
  15. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Nice teeth!

    (And all the rest.) :)
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  16. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Sleep Log:

    8pm to 6am (10 hours straight wohoooooooo)
  17. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I did not want to write these thoughts down. They are on the cusp of 'small" and "insignificant" in my mind... in yet they bother my soul...

    What a shitty sequence of experiences yesterday evening.

    1. My room mate

    Context. I let her stay at my condo the last couple months, until the guise that I was doing her "mother" a favour.. who is a family friend ... was it a play at the daughter? yes. And it didn't work. And I've been silently bitter about it. I mean, "I gave her such a low rent!" ... either way, we did entangle, I did open up a lot of myself to her, we sort of became close in some ways?


    Then after the last VIP in central america ... I changed again, as I always do. I stopped meds. I went through some shit. Slept at moms house to stabilize. I am moving to cottage. And I haven't seem my roommate since pre mexico.


    And I largely kept distant from my roomate. She kept trying to fish, and pry on facebook messenger, "whats going on ,what happened in mexico? are you still living at condo? I'm just concerned and genuinely want the best for you! You can talk to me!"



    I get it. Be the better person as I mom said. Even though she sleeps sometimes at the condo, sometimes at her moms, sometimes at her "boyfriends" and comes and goes as she pleases, I should be the "bigger person" and tell the roomie if I won't be home.

    But fuck that noise.

    I DID fucking tell her. That I'm going through a lot of stuff right now. And that I'm doing okay, and that I'm really happy. And that is all. And then like an insecure, insincere, aggressive bitch she is underneath (I see for the first time) ... she kept prying more and more.


    I get it. We were "friends" and then I about faced. And shit happens. I don't need to give her an explanation. It's tense. Its uncomfortable. And she got CUT from my circle. But she is not entitled to be "let down easy" because she needs to be coddled. FUCK THAT NOISE.


    I was patient yet distant. I kept reiterating that I am doing well. I informed her when the last day of the condo will be. Etc etc etc. I don't owe anything else to her.


    Enter my Uncle from California. Oh boy. The breadwinner of the entire extended family. Revered. Extalled. Respected. and FEARED. When my grandmothers family (5 boys 5 girls) were living in Malaysia while as children, Uncle "Cali" was the only one to be sent away, alone.. at age 13.. to England.. to make something of himself. And he did. He was brilliant. Street smart. A lot of good things. The rest is history.

    He is here in Canada now. As he always does to pay respects to grandma's passing. He comes for a few days. Doesn't really talk to anybody else, and then leaves again for Cali. Always has been aloof, distant, unrelatable to most of the family.

    We all feared him as kids growing up in Canada. When grandma was still alive, and when Uncle Cali hung around more.

    And then I got into some shit as a teenager. I had a bald head, and blond bangs that went down to my chin. My parents were worried. Very worried.

    As a last "move" they called in Uncle Cali. He drove up from California.

    And then I remember the day.. He told me he needed to talk to me. He sat me down at my mom's computer room. And then he asked "Who is kid X X." I lied and said I don't know. I did know. He was a 16 year old kid. A gang member, and already on probation. And my heroe at the time.

    Uncle Cali winded up his hand and slapped me from east to west across my face so fucking hard it makes me cry to this day.

    And then I told him where kid X X lived.

    He took a small bat. And we drove there. We parked a block away. And I stayed in the car. Numb.

    He rang the doorbell.. kid X X answered. Kid X X's friend was in the background, with a machete in hand..

    Uncle Cali told kid X X to never contact me again.

    .. and he never did.

    Later that day we went to a barber shop, cut my bangs off.. and then we took a long drive down to California (I think it was about 24 hours total driving time).

    I stayed in California that Summer. My parents were distraught. They were so worried how I would react to all of this. I felt betrayed for sure. But also so so relieved. Because this was never about kid X X. This was just about wanting to be a kid and doing what i wanted to do, as ill conceived my ideas were... and then it getting really stressful.. and then someone removing me from that stressful, confusing environment... and then feeling better.

    So that Summer in the California dessert, Uncle Cali taught me to run. We ran in the desert Monday Wednesday and Fridays. It was fucking hard. And it was hot. And I remember getting better. .. But I could never catch up to Uncle Cali...he always was far ahead.

    And then he took me to las vegas. And that was kinda cool. We saw a Cirque Du Soleil show. And had sharkfin soup at an asian restaurant on the strip....

    And then before I knew it.. the summer was over, and we were on a flight to London, England. He took me to a remote countryside boarding school... and I remember we sat down at my dorm desk... and he taught me how to sew my "number BH19" (stood for bradford house 19) on my socks and stuff, and then he handed me an old computer engineering book, it was red, about Binary Code.. and then he left.


    My life took a different trajectory that Summer.


    Enter Uncle Cali last night..

    context: Two days ago, my dad, yet again, scolded me for reckless spending, going back to my music teacher, and why my loans were not paid off sooner. We threw down in the car ride. We yelled. I stood my ground. And he did not have any good responses. He held onto that anger .. and was extremely annoyed all day.. he does this.

    And then, little did I see his next move. Uncle Cali was here. And the backup arrived.

    "Come with me, I need to talk to you".. he said...the same way he talked to me as that 14 year old boy in that fateful Summer..

    We went upstairs... and then he said, "I heard you are splurging. You need to pay off your debts before you splurge. Whats this I hear about a cottage ? Its a waste of money, waste of a commute. You just need to exercise and tire yourself out to sleep if you are struggling. All this radiation talk is quack. I'm living proof."

    Much to my own surprise.. and fear for my life..... I piped up. I presented a brief explanation of why I was moving to the cottage. He didn't have a good answer. And finally enough, we went back down to eat dinner. The discomfort was over.

    My mother kept her head down and would not make eye contact.

    I got my food and kept my head down also.. I felt betrayed. I looked up briefly and there was my dad.. I caught him looking at me, lit up like a christmas tree.. and then he realized his tell and he looked away. And then I comprehended.

    I ate quickly.. all of 5 minutes.. then quietly packed my shit and drove to the condo. I was so afraid Uncle Cali was going to stop me...

    On the drive to the condo.. I kept telling myself.... its going to be okay.. like what can he do? What can he do? I'm a grown up adult now? What can he do?

    I got to the condo.. And then I felt a bit safe again. Phew.

    I will go to the cottage today.

    It's my mom's birthday today as well. I never thought I would say this, its a very curious sentence.. but I think the best thing I can give her on her birthday today.. is simply silence.

    I won't engage in contact with any family this weekend til Tuesday. (Monday is thanksgiving). I'll keep quiet.. do my thing at the cottage. And try to enjoy myself...

    Christine_L likes this.
  18. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    If you want to know how much you'll be missed when you're gone, put your finger in a bucket of water and then remove it. The hole that's left will be how much you are missed.

    Nature gives two fucks about us.....but she provides us the matrix we need to thrive. But we have to use her correctly

    No one is irreplaceable. No one. Instead of being depressing, the thought that you're professionally replaceable is liberating. You may not leave a hole, but you can leave a mark on a person, a team, or a culture that lives on after you're gone.

    You may not be missed, but you can be remembered--in the best possible way.

    How you do it is up to you..........

    I have my plan.

    I just want to mind fuck my misfits like an animal ............
    Christine_L and MITpowered26 like this.
  19. drezy

    drezy New Member

    I like this sign of life.

    Bucks walk out of a wooded area in my backyard this time of year looking for mates. I'll watch the bucks try and then get rebuffed and just move on to another doe easy peasy. It leaves me with the impression that younger me may have overcomplicated my searching and doubting a little bit.
  20. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    @Jack Kruse

    Your diagnosis and treatment plans are, as always, so perplexing. In yet, I know its never hot air. Its always carefully devised.

    This is why you are the King.

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