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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. I love questions... I learn through questioning. No one can give you a valuable answer if you don't ask the question first.

    if you think I'm the queen my sister is the MASTER detective! LOL
  2. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    haha :)

    I think that question was for @Swen but I"ll meditate on it too and get back to you...
    Christine_L likes this.
  3. Here's a glance at the dance party for one I'm having at my desk

    Phosphene likes this.
  4. For either of you!
  5. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Memory power hour:

    Throwback memory... I was 22 or something.. I was quite repressed and lonely.. and then.. haahahh. I found an online chat group. Everyone that joined the chat room. was a character.. like different penguins. And your "name" was above the penguin. And then you clicked the screen on this arctic setting backdrop to move around and chat to other penguins... public chat room.

    Well....something about the conditions of this chat room that lit a fucking fire in me. I felt for the first time in 22 years, I could be "social" without fear. I walked up to everyone, and talked to everyone, frenetically ,erratically, I was friendly ,then I was a bully ,then I was this and that and this and that and came out of my "shell" for that moment in time with such profound butterlying....bouncing off the wallllllllls. i'm pretty sure all the people on this chat room were about 12 or 13.. and I felt like the king.. and was over moon... and could express myself freely for the first fucking time existence, without any ceiling..

    and then i returned to the chat room the next day.. and then after that i stopped. something about i grew a deep fear over.. like ... nothing good could come out of this profound fear and freedom.

    anyways.. wierd memory.
  6. Swen

    Swen New Member

    Perhaps the shifting priorities or the ignored responsibilities that come with perceived success...

    For me, I think the incredible stress that put me in peril was the "progress" that my mother hailed giving me a new stepfather at age 6 after never having a bio father in my life. Mom's "progress" led to different priorities and ignored responsibilities to her young son. Very quickly I was in speech therapy in 2nd grade and weight problems that just highlighted their disability to guide a son.
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2019
    Christine_L, Phosphene and drezy like this.
  7. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    That’s some deep childhood memory extraction. Thank you
    Christine_L likes this.
  8. drezy

    drezy New Member

    Sorry to hear that Swen.

    Guiding a son is one of the most rewarding and unexpected core experiences of my life.

    The work of Erik Erikson has been a very good "field guide" to my approach in mown life an in raising my son:

    It may be of use to you if you're ever interested in more of his material.
    Phosphene, Swen and MITpowered26 like this.
  9. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member


    Mike Posner. Canadian. Two hit pop wonder. First hit was in the 90s.. then second hit was a few years ago.. after ironically a friend told him to stop pretending to write “songs” and just tell the fucking truth. That second hit was the truth .. about being a faded, fucked up pop star.

    Round 3.. I am completely enamoured by his journey right now.. his walk across ‘merica. His self discovery and butterflying is spreading before our very eyes. He is no longer a binary pop star.. he is now Mike Posner.
    Phosphene likes this.
  10. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Sleep log:

    9pm to 12am (3 hours)

    I'm holding onto a lot of negative emotion right now, and I'm fighting it, and I cannot get back to sleep.

    I'll power through and nap throughout the day. Can't win them all on this road...


    Ugh. I'm tired. I should be asleep. But instead I have to write this fucking note.

    Lets get this out.


    To mom and dad,

    I'll address you as a collective unit.. because as far as I'm concerned you are one and the same.. and guilty of the same psychological, emotional treason.

    Mom, dad. You weaponize your words. You manipulate my emotions. My psychology. You effect my self-esteem, self-belief, confidence in my abilities.

    Mom, dad. You certainly "show" love through your actions, no doubt. Your financial support, you have been there when I have been really helpless and in real need. Yes.

    But you don't UNDERSTAND the great pain you have also caused me as your son. Your loving, self-capable, giving, kind, son. Capable... of finding his way through this life.. capable of growing, CHOOSING people he wants in his life.. and being happy.. and learning from his mistakes.. and most of all, learning to be okay in life.

    You worry about me, that will never stop. I accept that.

    This is such a complex relationship, as are all familial ties.

    You have helped raise me from the depths of despair... adolescent rebellion.. mental health...business.. and given me a chance at a good life. You could say you have made me who I am.

    I do respect your opinions and your counsel, and your engagement in my life. I REALLY DO.

    But this is no utopia. This is not a rosy family photo. There is no kodak moment. That is only an illusion you have yet to accept.. and I don't know if you ever will get past your own pain to the other side. May god bless you.

    When you call my dear friend and mentor a "bastard" tonight because I treated him to a nice dinner, do you realize how much you hurt me?

    Do you know how that affects me when every person I bring into my life you tell me "they are just using you" .. how that cheapens my self-worth?

    Are you aware when both of you, and sister, always break my heart with the phrase "Are you taking your meds?" .. sometimes with a comedic tone. .. whenever I assert myself.. assert my boundaries.. my opinions.. whenever I' try to change and push up against the gigantic thumb you have pressed down upon my chest for so many years? DO YOU KNOW how this completely destabilizes my psyche?

    I cry tonight. I cry for you. And I cry for me. We all hold our pain, that we have self-inflicted, and inflicted upon each other. We are all innocent in yet we are all responsible. I am choosing the responsible path, quite contrary to your perceptions of me - financially, and otherwise. Are you choosing the responsible path in your own lives? Your marriage? Your emotions? Your pain?

    When you tell me "I want a monthly allowance" you know I will always oblige til the day I fucking die. You know I'm good for it. You know this. And you have earned it, rightfully so. Good on you. You both have helped out with the store and my life A LOT LOT LOT.

    But then when you say "I need to extract money before your recklessness drives you to bankruptcy.. I need to take my investment out now before its too late..." ... this also cuts deep...to a level I cannot even comprehend right now.

    You know despite it all, I've taking this business from the gutters of a failed business partnership.. to the cusp of financial freedom? Right? I know you choose to say "But you could have saved way more money.. you could have paid your debts a lot quicker.."

    You know I was nominated tonight for a COMPOUNDER OF THE YEAR award for being a leader in innovation and up and coming "new" compounding pharmacist by a world renowned firm?

    You know I have patients that I have nurtured along with so much fucking love .. right?

    You know I have colleagues that know and respect me professionally, quirks and all, and whom I love back and see strength in the bonds I have built?

    You know I am happy, very happy these days? Off meds? And managing well... navigating things with capability?

    You know I work hard right? And I deserve rewards too? You know despite your worries, I don't consume alcohol. I don't party, I don't smoke, I don't commit crimes. I brush my teeth, i drink lots of water, and above all I care, and I try. I really really do. And we have been through a lot, together, as a family. I am part of this family.

    I have a voice too. And I'm growing up. And learning to find my way. And contribute to society.

    There is so much fucking here you FAIL to acknowledge. You fail to dish out the language of love I yearn for .. and you give it like food you are rationing through world war one famine.

    I am up by 5am these days. I head to work. And as a responsible business owner you know I sit in darkness for 4 hours EVERY MORNING without fail.. and reflect on how to make this business a success. And how to truly earn respect from my staff.. and make it a good work environment. Marketing, sales, managing a new construction, planning for the future.

    You are enough. You have done enough. Your work is actually done. I am enough. It's time to learn to let go. You have given me so much positive and so much negative, already. And I thank-you for the opportunities, and the wounds. They have made me who I am. Your work is done!

    I wasn't planning to actually share this with either of you .. but I am now more and more certain I will share it. To your credit, I know you will read it, and you will feel this deeply. Whether you can change, I don't know. But that's not up to me... its up to you.

    I love you both. I do.

    God bless.

    love your capable son,
  11. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Sleep log two:
    330 am to 7am (3.5 hours , total 6.5 fragmented hours)

    Full court press today for optimal living. Meeting a patient shortly at sunrise in a big field to have a heart to heart :)

    Then to the cottage as soon as I can.. and where I will try to STAY unmoved for the next 3 days.

    Full court press. I pray for my sleep this weekend.
    Christine_L and Phosphene like this.
  12. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Wow I wish I’d known earlier—this stop is literally 5 minutes away from me! I would have cooked him a nice steak dinner. Love the little tune, and it’s so true—walking or biking these roads is SO dangerous. Twisty turns, narrow (or zero) curbs, big trucks and SUVs, distracted drivers... Good for him!

  13. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    What food are you bringing with you? Treat yourself to some good, easy to prepare protein so you don’t have to leave.

    (Is it obvious I have nothing but food on my mind?)
    LieselK likes this.
  14. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Just stopping in to say “hi” ...and I am thinking of you Jason. It takes a lot of guts to write the above letter to your family.

    I wish I had had the same guts to do some things...
  15. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    I care so much less about my appearance and showering these days (not that I was even all that particular before). I think I used to care more because it was it's own dopamine hit- thinking you have to adorn yourself or perfume yourself or whatever else to be pretty and confident. It was a boost. And I wasn't even doing it for other people previously- it was for me to feel good. But now I feel good no matter what. I live in a bikini, swim daily, shower every 2-3 days or so. Been using natural deodorant for years now. I put on clean clothes and shower for church and things, but I don't even feel like I *have* to if that makes any sense. It's no longer for me or anyone else, just what I do as routine. It is simply factual now and not at all emotional. Sun is emotional. Nature is emotional. Food is not. It just is.
    Swen, Phosphene and drezy like this.
  16. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    What a great friend and advocate to speak truth in love to you.
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  17. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    I believe there is freedom in the truth. But you must discern between your truth and what is actually true.

    You can only control you. Your actions, thoughts, feelings, words...
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  18. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    I love how entangled people are and I love celebrating that. Seeing the connections and enjoying them. Taking from one another and giving back or giving to others. It's the true sweetness of life regardless of all the other details.
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  19. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    Happy belated Birthday! You are valued and worth it. Dr. Seuss wrote in The Birthday Book something like this, "Today you are you that is truer than true. There is no one else that is youer than you." Celebrate you. You are here and you have much to give the world.
    Phosphene and MITpowered26 like this.
  20. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    This is SO perfect! I admit to being a bit jealous of the view, but you can keep your Canadian cold weather! :)
    MITpowered26 likes this.

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