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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

  2. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    LieselK, Phosphene, Swen and 2 others like this.
  3. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Note to my pharmacist today...

    "have a fantastic day! i hope i wasn't too hard on you yesterday morning! i genuinly want to push you to grow [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

    i know you love COMFORT. and what i want to get you to destroy in your life. because i think it will ultimately make u a happier, better, more fulfilled person in the end. [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]"

    I strongly believe my greatest career challenge right now isn't my business as a whole, its building my relationship with my main squeeze pharmacist. This is my greatest challenge, and greatest human work of art I am constructing. He grows, I grow, we grow. I know deep down inside there is a very real part of him that hates me, working for me, working for my business, and something he just really doesn't believe in, buy into, trust. And that's why its challenging. I've decided to not run away from him, nor give up on him. I'm all in. And its a daily embrace I've come to love ... putting love into the relationship with him daily... communicating with him, pushing him then0 backing off, ultimately trying to prove to him I do care about him as a person, not just as a dollar sign.

    LieselK and Phosphene like this.
  4. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    HEADLINES in Ice Hockey news today:

    ‘He’s addicted to getting better’: What the Oilers are saying about Connor McDavid’s amazing start

    Connor McDavid. Unarguably a generational talent, and currently (and for years to come) the best ice hockey player in the world right now. He's 20 (or something).. and he's on MY LOCAL HOCKEY TEAM.

    I never thought my ice hockey persona would be connor mcdavid. For all the sentiments above.

    And then this headline came out this morning.

    ‘He’s addicted to getting better’: What the Oilers are saying about Connor McDavid’s amazing start

    Ya, I think that sums it up. It's an addiction of not just my ego, but my soul, my spirit, my mind, my heart, my body, my past, my future, my present, my staff, my family, my patients, my city, my country, planet earth, humanity, the forum. Life. I want all of it. All of you. Everything. EVERYTHING. I'M COMING FOR YOU.

    And so to Mr. Sunshine.. keep this going.

  5. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    So this just happened..

    While my ego flare settles down.. I had a realization. This song has been the greatest lesson I’ve endures for the last decade...

    Underneath it all, we don’t want to be god. We just want to be loved. And that , I guess, starts with the man in the mirror..
    Phosphene likes this.
  6. Nice cottage!

    But don't be jealous of others. Their success is not your deficit. Their success does not impinge your success.
    Phosphene likes this.
  7. Swen

    Swen New Member

    I see a lot of myself in Jason. I think it stems from abandonment issues for both of us. Their progress means we are being left behind; especially from family.
  8. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Nice resonance @Swen ...
  9. A step toward healing is to identify it. What about others succeeding leaves you behind?
  10. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    A funny thought today. I always saw myself as a sensitive person y'know? "I am a sensitive person." I was proud of this. And then it occurred to me.. why does my music teacher say I need to work on my sensitivity with my songs... all the time... and then it all clicked.

    I'm needy. I'm not sensitive. Needy...sensitive to myself.. haha. Sensitive.. towards others? no. And it will only get worse before it gets better as I discover myself. Am I capable in the future ? yes.

    So chill the fuck out.. stop being hard on yourself and expecting to fucking sing beautifully at this moment in life... HOW CAN YOU EXPECT TO SING WITH SENSITIVITY IF YOU ARE NOT A SENSITIVE PERSON. That takes the pressure off immensely.

    Learning everyday.. to operate this spaceship.


    Will you still love me
    When I'm no longer young and beautiful?
    Will you still love me
    When I've got nothing but my aching soul?
    I know you will, I know you will
    I know that you will
    Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?
    Phosphene and Christine_L like this.
  11. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    @Christine_L the queen of questions.. (really good questions)
  12. I love questions... I learn through questioning. No one can give you a valuable answer if you don't ask the question first.

    if you think I'm the queen my sister is the MASTER detective! LOL
  13. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    haha :)

    I think that question was for @Swen but I"ll meditate on it too and get back to you...
    Christine_L likes this.
  14. Here's a glance at the dance party for one I'm having at my desk

    Phosphene likes this.
  15. For either of you!
  16. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Memory power hour:

    Throwback memory... I was 22 or something.. I was quite repressed and lonely.. and then.. haahahh. I found an online chat group. Everyone that joined the chat room. was a character.. like different penguins. And your "name" was above the penguin. And then you clicked the screen on this arctic setting backdrop to move around and chat to other penguins... public chat room.

    Well....something about the conditions of this chat room that lit a fucking fire in me. I felt for the first time in 22 years, I could be "social" without fear. I walked up to everyone, and talked to everyone, frenetically ,erratically, I was friendly ,then I was a bully ,then I was this and that and this and that and came out of my "shell" for that moment in time with such profound butterlying....bouncing off the wallllllllls. i'm pretty sure all the people on this chat room were about 12 or 13.. and I felt like the king.. and was over moon... and could express myself freely for the first fucking time existence, without any ceiling..

    and then i returned to the chat room the next day.. and then after that i stopped. something about i grew a deep fear over.. like ... nothing good could come out of this profound fear and freedom.

    anyways.. wierd memory.
  17. Swen

    Swen New Member

    Perhaps the shifting priorities or the ignored responsibilities that come with perceived success...

    For me, I think the incredible stress that put me in peril was the "progress" that my mother hailed giving me a new stepfather at age 6 after never having a bio father in my life. Mom's "progress" led to different priorities and ignored responsibilities to her young son. Very quickly I was in speech therapy in 2nd grade and weight problems that just highlighted their disability to guide a son.
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2019
    Christine_L, Phosphene and drezy like this.
  18. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    That’s some deep childhood memory extraction. Thank you
    Christine_L likes this.
  19. drezy

    drezy New Member

    Sorry to hear that Swen.

    Guiding a son is one of the most rewarding and unexpected core experiences of my life.

    The work of Erik Erikson has been a very good "field guide" to my approach in mown life an in raising my son:

    It may be of use to you if you're ever interested in more of his material.
    Phosphene, Swen and MITpowered26 like this.
  20. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member


    Mike Posner. Canadian. Two hit pop wonder. First hit was in the 90s.. then second hit was a few years ago.. after ironically a friend told him to stop pretending to write “songs” and just tell the fucking truth. That second hit was the truth .. about being a faded, fucked up pop star.

    Round 3.. I am completely enamoured by his journey right now.. his walk across ‘merica. His self discovery and butterflying is spreading before our very eyes. He is no longer a binary pop star.. he is now Mike Posner.
    Phosphene likes this.

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