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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    go easy. transitions. transitions. :)
     
    Anne V likes this.
  2. Saichi

    Saichi New Member

    This is easy, if I were honest I'd already be banned. I'd have sympathy if you were on heroin or prescriptions which are physically addictive and have to taper off from. Radiation has no addiction.
     
    Christine_L likes this.
  3. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Sleep Log:

    8:30pm to 5am straight. (8.5 hours)
    feel good

    side note: the interview process is still going on for the cottage. I am told I am what they are looking for. Whether there are other candidates, I don't truly know. I've waited more than a week for this. I hope the overprecaution on their part is a good signal.

    j
     
    Christine_L likes this.
  4. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Sleep:

    9pm to 4am (7 hours)

    feel good.
     
  5. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Hey J,

    We have felt GOOD the last couple days eh? Often when we do, we stop doing what made us feel this way in the first place. That is: journaling, writing. Working through the pile. Time to get back on the horse.

    Its your birthday today. ITS MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TODAY. lol.

    Ya. That's an important statement to us. And its important to talk about. For 34 years now, this day has been somehow a very tainted day.. a day of anti-celebration. yknow?

    Lets reflect.

    Ah. Our cousin.He died of pancreative cancer at 26 years old. His birthday was the same day as us. Young, full of hope.. perhaps in some ways, a symbol to the extended family of a good son who "deserved" a good life.. instead we were the "other" cousin who "got it all" but was the shit head of the fucking extended family.

    And then there's grandma.. the glue of the entire unit of 5 aunts (all married with kids) and 5 uncles (all bachelors, ha!)... I remember mum wanted to delay her passing a day later so it wouldn't taint my day too much already, but grandma died on my birthday as well...

    Thinking back, mom was very thoughtful in this dark hour. That is an understatement, but thats all I got right now. Wow. Some pain here I didn't know.

    So is this why we are very quiet on our birthday? I don't know.. hmm...

    Yes, its been our personality to be shy and avoid attention.. these events in adolescence buried this day even further..yes.

    It's akward ya, but its time to take back this day for us.

    Love you, and have a good day.

    xoxo
     
  6. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Happy Birthday Jason! This journal and all your other steps towards optimal are your gift to yourself.

    You deserve to reap what you’ve sown. You are more than good enough.

    How are you and your family celebrating?
     
  7. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    thankyou.

    Your question weakens the dramatization of my post. It forces me to realize.

    My sister asked me what I wanted last week for bday. I said I dunno, I dont care. And then I said.. I just want a hand written letter from you from the heart.

    My mom also asked what I wanted for bday. I said I dunno either.

    I guess this day isn't all that bad. Just history to work through, and more importantly, taking ownership of my perceptions.

    Thanks

    J
     
  8. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    I didn’t mean to downplay the drama—there is plenty there indeed. It’s difficult to celebrate when it’s also the anniversary of a loved one passing. I should know this—my best friend’s son passed from an opioid overdose the day before my birthday and she is never in the mood to celebrate with me. We used to do something a few weeks before or after, but now she’s mostly in Maine so it’s just a quick “Happy Birthday”.

    I am unfortunately good at downplaying the effects of others’ emotional trauma since I try to squelch it in my own life as well.

    That’s awesome what you asked from your sister. Maybe ask the same from other family members for Christmas, or whatever you celebrate then?
     
  9. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Happy birthday to you too Jason :) :) :) another October-kid :)
     
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  10. drezy

    drezy New Member

    Happy birthday J!
     
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  11. Swen

    Swen New Member

    Happy Birthday, Jason! I hope this helps you meet the Like or Reply quota.
     
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  12. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Thanks. I knew you didn't mean it that way. It's just how my true reaction was, so I thought I would explore it.
     
  13. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Not yet. We are 3% there though.. so its something :)
     
    Swen likes this.
  14. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Story to come... let’s just say, the landlord whom lives next door is quite an outdoorsy family.. and there is so much winter activity on the lake!!!! 109E3C08-9AB7-464E-99E3-56616CDF9E46.jpeg 54A6D95D-3281-4274-A0E9-2AF8153EC04C.jpeg 7D3E6A0C-9D89-4BAD-89FE-EC7AD02C10D9.jpeg
     
    LieselK, Swen, Christine_L and 2 others like this.
  15. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    We didn't really do anything. We are celebrating for dinner on my mom's bday (12th oct) .. I had to go see the cottage anyways and sign the lease!
     
  16. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Sleep log:
    930pm to 330 pm (6 hours)
     
  17. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Such a fucking beaut.

     
    Phosphene likes this.
  18. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    HIHI J,

    love yourself today, okay?

    the cottage situation seems ideal eh? I guess our patience paid off! I guess what you put into the universe is what you get out of it!

    time will tell.. how our sleep perhaps evolves? etc? keep our eyes open ya?

    but the landlord appears totally easy going, flexible! he hinted at coming with him and his wife cross country skiing on the lake when it freezes over! "we embrace the winter outdoors here, its our way of life" Sold. Hook line and sinker.

    and he didn't think we were crazy when we started talking about radiation eh? In FACT, his neighbor was affected by city radiation and moved to this very zip code for that reason. :)

    Eat your grits time:

    one third of it is setup J. Our moonlight zip code. Our sleeping environment SEEEEEEMS alright!

    the second one third will be our daylight zip code. Work is a work in progress .. we will make the jump to an outdoor office soon enough. keep going .:)

    lastly, our travelling zip code. The commute.

    Lets work through some process ya J?

    So the cottage. Don't think there will be viable internet beyond non-streaming internet surfing. So that's NO podcasts. NO videos. NO youtube. This is good.
    -download your playlist of music/podcasts at work

    Face dunks. Time to step this up ya? That's next.

    And lastly, letting go of the comforts of being at the store early to feel in control.. even though we just mostly sit and think.. at 430am... lol.. which is good... but i wonder .. if we let that go and chill at the cottage longer at sunrise.. THEN head to work. ya. transitions.. transitions...

    love yourself today j,
    bye
     
  19. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Fuckin’ A for Awesome man!! That place is perfect!
     
  20. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Time to Fess up J.. before this eats away at you..

    There is something ugly we have discovered within us eh? We get bent out of shape when we see other people grow... We can tackle the why later.. but for now, the what.

    I think we both realize this kind of truth calls into question everything about our reputation eh? And I think we are okay with that.. and that's awesome. We have come to realize our character is more important to us. ... We understand now that revealing all these fucking layers upon layers, faces upon faces, of truth and art and substance and even lies, probably brings us further away from being understood, ironically. And that's okay.

    We will continue to seek truth above all else, at all costs. We are okay with this.

    Ya. We get fucking bent when we see other people grow. That's a spiritual problem for sure.

    "Sharing our flame does not diminish it" ...

    Things to work through. I love it. And I feel better now.

    :)
     

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