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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    I just re read what you asked me ....and kind of didn’t really answer it. What does being “full of oneself” mean.

    To me it means being self centred, and only really concerned with ones self and what everyone thinks of you and then doing whatever it takes for people to like you and be impressed by you and your abilities.

    I do think you are so much more than that Jason. I think you have a huge heart and many talents.

    Everyone is so complicated ..... I am pretty positive we all are “full of ourself” at times.

    Maybe it is self preservation? We do need to prioritise ourselves on our optimal journey.

    We need to be intimate with ourselves, we need to know what makes us tick.....but can we be that honest with ourselves?

    As I said .....you are young and you have the resources ....please .do not squander these opportunities Jason.

    Then again .....something drove you to Jack ....so I think you are in pretty good shape for the long haul.

    I am betting on you Jason ....
    Phosphene likes this.
  2. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    And btw .....I am going to keep liking posts that I like. As Jenelle pointed out, and this is happening to me too, people are liking old posts and it is sparking new discussions that are meaningful.

    Some things Jason ....you are just going to have to suck up!

    I also think you should evaluate your camping idea .....baby steps Jason!

    I suppose we could always send a St Bernard with a flask of brandy to find you!

    Camping and living in nature is a very serious skill.

    If you want to go back here and read some incredible stuff ....find Peter’s journal. I can’t remember what it was called. I think Inger might remember.
    Phosphene likes this.
  3. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Hi Caroline. Thank-you for taking the time to write to me, as I know your online time is precious.

    Most of what you say is, I believe true. About being "full of myself" but also that there is "more"... I need to also defend myself though as well ... because some is off base. If this were really, truly, about "just" being a smoke screen and about impressing upon people, then I would NOT admit that vulnerability of myself in the first place ,truly. above all else, i maintain it is true, that I have "tried" to seek honesty... however ego-based, or fantasy, or assuming, or pretentious some of the posts may have come off.. I do maintain that it was driven, always, by a need, maybe for connection and due to pain, rather than superficial attention? I hope that makes sense!

    I feel like I need to do private videos more to you, and to everyone, so you can get a better sense of me. I feel that is important. Because this online community means a lot to me.. and I would like to make sure I am understood.

    Thank-you for sharing your clue about the shirt open in NOLA. I don't fully understand your pov, but maybe if I give a bit of background, it might help you understand me, however helpful an "online" post can be...

    When I was 20 I was very skinny...and dating wouldn't be considered a problem for me..and then I felt very ill with a mental condition. I went on medication, that did not really help me get better.. but rather helped me gain 40 points in 4 months..a beer gut..and robbed me of life...sedating me to the tune of 17 hours a day at its worst.. I would literally sleep, wake up.. walk to mcdonalds for a double quarter pounder meal with a large mcflurry.. everyday, unchanged, and then eat it, and go back to bed.. i repeated this cycle for quite a while... until i eventually told my doc I wanted to try a different med... its been a very long road getting my mind right...

    Central to this story.. has always been my gut. I am very self conscious about it. I belong to an extended family that would essentially emotionally abuse me at family gatherings... they were ALL relentless in making fun of my gut, and being fat.. all of them... one after another...I kept smiling and laughing along.. but I was in dear pain inside...

    And so fast forward to NOLA. Shortly before this trip, I cut blue light out.. and I felt my gut was reducing in size. I was ecstatic. And so when I got to NOLA, and on the last day with Jack, I didn't have many pieces of clothing left to wear, and that particular shirt was pretty hot to wear in the temperature and humidity of nola that day.. and so also given my history with my gut.. I just opened my shirt up.. I didn't really truly think that much of it..

    please consider this story.. as true and from a genuine place.. i checked myself as i wrote it, for what its worth. i am in tears right now..

    i hope that helps, in whatever way it can, to help you understand me better.
    LieselK, caroline and Phosphene like this.
  4. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    @Jenelle I will stand down on the "like" idea. I am 33 and a pharmacist. I'll try to make this concise.. when Jack used the phrase "light you up like a christmas tree" .. it just spoke to me inside.. and within seconds, i said to myself.. that is going to be the new name of my journal.. i didn't really over think it.. the basic idea is this: my journal has mostly been about me trying to "light myself a fire," and chase that initial feeling and passion Jack instilled within me from the first time I saw him. That's basically what its about.

    @Christine_L and to all..I have indeed, come to my senses with my living situation. I viewed a lake cottage rental out of the city yesterday.. it had extremely low RF in and around the whole property... I am waiting for landlord to decide...
  5. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    And to Jason..

    Its been quite a ride these last few weeks, huh J? These people online J, they don't even really know you, but in yet they still seem to care for you huh? And care for their fellow man, huh? You know what that mean's hey, J? That ya, you have to pay it back, and pay it forward, however long that needs to take, hey J? Let's keep healing, ya?

    I think there have been some important clues here J that we will take away. We are both coming to realize ya, you and I, that there might be some pain underneath. I am starting to become aware of it now, are you J? It grows daily, hey J? Right in the chest...its actual pain!

    Another takeaway Jason, that I think is important, is this: I know part of you likes having your hand held on this journey.. its comforting.. that's why you post online and not in private. I think its a fear thing J.. because you and I haven't built a trust enough yet, to walk the path alone without leading ourselves astray ya. So make me a promise, Jason. From now on, even if we may secretly know in the back of our head, someone may be reading and watching over this space..we write as if nobody is watching, nobody is listening. Write for US.

    Love, J
    LieselK, caroline and Phosphene like this.
  6. Jenelle

    Jenelle Evolving

    I also like things sometimes to acknowledge to someone that I have read their post to me ~ maybe when I don’t have anything to say back, or I just don’t have time at that moment.
    LieselK and Christine_L like this.
  7. Jenelle

    Jenelle Evolving

    So now I’m back ... kids are off to school ... and I’ve caught up on posts.

    Christmas tree journal — I get it now! :) Thank you for answering my questions. It’s nice to “meet” you.
  8. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

  9. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Of course Jason ....there is always more - more for all of us.

    Jason ....It really isn’t for me to say what is right or wrong for someone else....we need to please ourself first and foremost.

    A lot of us have opened ourselves up here ...and I think it is quite cathartic to be honest with ourself and others

    I really don’t want to add any more pain to your life....it seems to me that your family has already done a really good job of that.

    Our family should support us in all our endeavours.....but it seems to me that often doesn’t happen. I have had to separate myself from close family so I could survive and be the person I know I can be.

    One of the best things Jack has told me was “you don’t deserve that”. It made me stop and think and say to myself ....bloody hell - Jack is absolutely right ....I don’t deserve that!

    That was an absolute turning point in my life.

    Jason - you deserve to be supported with love and kindness by your family and friends. DON’T SETTLE FOR LESS.

    Jack told me once ....it is always more about them than it is about you.

    As Jack would say .....that is all
    Phosphene and Jenelle like this.
  10. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Hey Jason,

    Good news today, hey? I'm so glad the landlord deemed us a good fit at the lake-lot cottage, don't you? It seems like such a great deal! Y'know something though, hey, you went there and you met. And you acted normal like you usually always are, yknow? (while also chatting them up about radiation and sun and the yucatan in a controlled manner lol!) And they felt you were a "good fit" as they put it. Sometimes we never know what people are thinking inside, and we often assume the worst!

    Too bad your electrician patient wasn't able to make it out, but at least he has agreed to go back with you tomorrow to do one final sweep of the place with his own meter. Another kind human being. I hope its the start of a budding friendship and journey of healing together. He is really hurting, I can see that hey? I also pray he doesn't find something horrendously unsafe about the environment!

    The universe is bringing good people into your life, Jason. And local people too. And you were responsible for making it happen too yknow? So give yourself credit. You are not alone on this journey here. It is so weird though isn't it! Would you have ever thought you would "actually" become friends with your patients? I certainly thought not! In yet, now here you are, bonding more than ever, crossing imaginary lines. You actually are making a difference to their lives y'know? Time to recognize that. By simply showing you care yknow J? They NEED YOU. And they need you to be strong for yourself too. Can we do that, and try Jason? I think so.

    It's been a crazy journey, huh? But I don't think either of us would trade it for the world now would we? Ya. didn't think so. :)

  11. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Jason - I love your letter to yourself ....I am going to try that.
  12. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I am really liking this format for myself too caroline!! A lot! It really really puts me in a unique, loving space with myself, and also helps me think better... and only the most important thoughts come to the surface yknow? It cuts out all the noise!
    Christine_L and caroline like this.
  13. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    And I really really feel connected with myself!!
    caroline likes this.
  14. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Hey j!

    Something came to me this morning. Y'know? I'm excited for the future. I'm looking forward to the day where we can be in good place with ourselves. Where our sleep is better, where we are leading a healthy life in nature, and we are feeling right with ourselves yknow? A time where we can just sit still, at a quiet abandoned lake in the winter, and maybe be able to sing and play guitar. For us.

    Jack said something last time we met him... something along the lines of intimacy, and making it like it your last. Funny, that mindset is really helping revive our interest in singing, huh?, and singing for us, like its our last act. It's all so related..

    I have a feeling that day may come sooner than we think!

    Christine_L, caroline and Phosphene like this.
  15. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Oh definitely keep singing and playing guitar! So good for us in every way imaginable and beyond. I have a decent voice, which I didn’t really begin to explore till my yoga teacher training where I was forced out of my comfort zone to lead the opening and closing chants. Vagal nerve stimulation at its finest! Perhaps we will chant together someday? :)
    caroline likes this.
  16. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Could we just sing Taylor Swift together instead? ;)
  17. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Hi j,

    Some tough love this morning for us. We missed sunrise 30 minutes ago. Instead, we sit at breakfast with some meat and eggs. Did we wake up late? Or did we just not work through the problem in front of us: That fall is here and we need to collect more appropriate clothes to be outdoors? Because it’s becoming a pattern since fall arrived. We were doing so well!

    I know you are capable of solving problems. We just tend to not see the problems before they happen, ya? But when it slides into repetition, we need to solve it. Especially something like this that is going to be so important to keeping off meds? We want this. I know we really really do.

    Jacks recent wisdom online likely applies to us right now. It’s good we are talking about this and bringing self awareness... but something must be said about being adaptable in the moment... jt echoed that sentiment before, remember? Not living in a vacuum stopping and going? But rather making good decisions on the fly?

    We know already what matters most on a day to
    Day, Moment by moment basis. We have that sense within us. I know you know this. That is not the challenge. The challenge is taking a brief moment when that gut feeling is telling you something, and not ignoring it. “Hmmm.. I feel an uneasy feeling right now.. that I’m missing sunrise and it’s becoming a pattern. Lets work through this now!”

    In fact, it’s not too late today. Lets finish breakfast, head to moms house to collect some fall clothes and head to the usual spot, ya?

    I won’t say much more, othr than that it’s up to us to tell the truth to each other ya? We know it doesn’t feel good to us when it becomes something an outsider lectures us on... it’s never helpful or makes us change anyway.

    So let’s tell each other the truth and help each other change: it’s the way forward. :)

    Love ya, j

  18. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Hi Jason,

    I felt compelled to pull over the vehicle on the way to moms house. A special moment happened for us on the drive, and I would like to give space to it, can we?

    Can I recap? You called the electrician patient this morning. The wife picked up and the conversation went like this:

    “Hi, Mrs, M. Was just wondering if you could pass on to your husband that the landlord would like us to wait a week before coming back to check the cottage again”

    “Sure, Jason. But please, call me Jen.”

    “Ok Jen. thank you and have a good day”

    “You too Jason, bye.”

    You started to break down and cry after you got off the phone, Jason. You fought it back .. I know we are not use to crying ever. And I just wanted to talk, k?

    You quit your long time Meds Against jacks advice. We know your mitochondria are not healthy yet and maybe the timing is not right.

    But it’s done. Nothing would have changed your mind anyway.

    And maybe one could say you are emotional because you stopped meds? Maybe.

    But I know in my heart, and you need to know this, that you only felt over sedated and numb on meds. And that it hid from you a lot of pain that you now are starting to be able to uncover - off meds.

    Jason, trust in us, because we are growing leaps and bounds!

    Why did you start crying when you talked to Mrs m? It’s because you are starting to see beauty in people.

    You felt in that brief exchange a wife, a mother, and her pain. A very sick husband she is taking care of. Two children. She hopes for a good life for her kids, and a speedy recovery for her husband. And underneath all of that: there are her own personal struggles. Her own hopes and dreams, desires, needs.

    But In that moment.. we felt in spite of all that weight - there was something beautiful, kind, and gentle about her energy. Yes, her energy!

    It’s going to take time to learn to ride this new bicycle. But we are getting there.

    See you in the sun today, j.

    LieselK, Phosphene and caroline like this.
  19. Inger

    Inger Silver

    yes Jason.. the ice melts when we cry and that is just so beautiful isnt it :)
    all the tears that wanted to be cried, but were supressed, let them come when they come, it is so good :)
  20. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    this unraveling is becoming such a crazy journey. :)

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