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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member


    The existential experience of wartime has always been at the top of my most of utmost fascination. I don't want go through it. But in a way.. if the adversity could reveal the truth of myself via a virtual reality headset... I'd pay a lot of money for that.

    We live in so much comfort. I think we, perhaps, as a society, a culture, have been slowly weakened by tech, etc... that we are like sitting, donkey lepers. I do not know how I would fair in WW1. Or maybe this would reveal to me and affirm great power within me.

    Maybe I'm just tired of people telling me I've never been through real adversity. Maybe I actually care enough to want to prove people wrong. Maybe I take joy in that to my own unawareness.

    Anyways, utterly fascinating.

  2. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Revealing Revelations:

    If adversity reveals to you YOU, but also what is found within you instilled by others... then this I have to say:

    Taking from @Saichi layer of truly brutal, sterile, factual, clinical honesty...

    I need to take a hard fucking look at my life, myself. I've been such a fucking shit head to my parents. Real talk. I was a really really dumb but ballsy kid. That outer layer of me is really truly there, despite whatever complex, beautiful misunderstood inner cogs were going on there. On the outside I was a shit head. And my parents really really loved me. And basically went to nth degree to send me away to straighten up. But even when I came back from the UK, the grief never stopped. I was still a shithead. And today, I am still somewhat a shithead. It's time for them to let go and not worry. But it's also time for me to step the fuck up and stop fooling around with life. I can admit that as a parent, I don't think I could, would, care to do the same for my children that I may or may not have. I dont think I have it in me to cut my skin to give to my child. To that level. No matter how slanted their perception, approach, unhealthiness they were towards me, they did and still do stick by me to this day and never give up on their perceived reality of them wanting the best for me, and worrying and such and such and such. This is real.

    I guess where I was initially going with this is this:

    If I have power within me.. for example in this moment, to get past my ego of my perceived opinion that @Saichi is an @@@, that has liberated me.. then what is revealed is a strong unknown to me that my parents have.

    KUDOS TO MY PARENTS. Cut then some fucking slack you bastard.

    Last edited: Sep 18, 2019
    Christine_L likes this.
  3. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    What is truth? What is experience? What is reality?

    Does a frenetic, manic..behavior equate to an invalidation of thoughts? Do their point of view become less real, less true, or more real, more true.

    I suppose the answer lies in sustainability. If the puzzle fits within a long term, time tested span, then it speaks stronger? Or if it invokes an intensity with which change, if only momentarily, becomes a gateway to the spawning of something brand new that grows and flourishes.

    I think I'm unhinged right now. I did get my sleep...lol. But I'm bursting at the seams... I like it.. but I hope this is optimal for me, I hope this is sustainable, and I hope this is healthy.
    LieselK likes this.
  4. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    Mine was in my throat :( Acknowledge it, give it space... Dan Allender talks about "setting the table" with regard to trauma. When you have memories come up you set the table to sit with them. Really honor them and learn truth and decide if you need to sit with them again or move on. I try to do that with all the things now. Just sit with them. You have to learn not to fight against your own body. Why is the shield there? What does it protect you from? Thank it for being there. There is a right time to deal with all the things and your shield kept you safe until you were ready. Are you ready now? It's OK if the answer is no. You will do what you need to do when you need to do it.
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  5. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    Yes, they did/do. Love is hard. Real love. And parenting is HARD. Literally pieces of yourself are out there in front of you and you hold all the responsibility for them. But you can't actually cage them up to protect them. It's insane. Sometimes I feel like my whole being is torn apart. And sometimes it feels so whole like nothing I've ever experienced. It's a roller coaster of body, mind and soul.
    caroline and MITpowered26 like this.
  6. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I guess I'm not ready to fully embrace it... but I will keep checking in with it until it breaks through. Hmm not sure why the shield is there at this point? I will meditate.
  7. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Just had an uncomfortable interaction with my dad as follows:

    DAD: "You are acting really erratic lately"
    ME: "Like how, give me an example"
    DAD "Like everything"
    ME "example please"
    DAD " The other day you were sun tanning with your shirt off outside the store, You are a professional, you can't do that, what will others think of you"
    ME "Did I do anything illegal? No. That is what is wrong with society. So I don't' really care"
    DAD "Well then I'll tell you people are talking behind your back about you"
    ME "WHO"
    DAD "I"m not going to tell you who, you said you don't care"
    ME "K, I storm off irritated"
    DAD 5 minutes later (I had dinner at their house): "Go empty the garbages"
    ME: "No, I'll do it in 10 minutes"
    DAD "but Im taking out the garbages now"
    ME "pickup is tomorrow morning, so I can help you in a bit"
    DAD: shaken, livid. In chaos. (How dare my Asian son disrespect me).. control, manipulation.. he didn't think I would test him back and put him the one in fucking chaos. he is bent.

    Judge me hard if you want to. But its the authentic interaction I had..the truth..

    Per Jack's post on deciding to take peoples advice ..the decision algoritmn… this is all done out of his own fear and insecurity.

    Does he have a point about the shirt off? Yes. But so do I. And I'm going to live my life, legally, and free.

    It's a cold war, a mind game, of control and manipulation. And I'm finally waking up to the guilt control mechanisms that are abound.

    Cue the drama
    "After everything Dad has done for you and your business.. and you can't even help him with garbage?" -> This isn't about fucking garbage. And I finally realize that now.

    I gotta head back to my place shortly and get a good sleep. That will be key. Bye for now @LieselK
    LieselK likes this.
  8. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Sleep 1030pm to 3am - awake but going to sneak in another nap in a bit..

    Today I will: do a ct - meditation - vlog. Ha! Title “watch me watch you in silence for 30 minutes”
  9. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member


    @Saichi has hit a nerve. What he shakes and stirs within me Is something I need to get out.

    People have real problems to face in their day to day lives. To be cognizant of that, is to me, empathy for humanity.

    I’ve eaten the fruit.. this will be the unraveling of my ego... I’m sure.. My privileged, self actualizing, luxurious, First world Problem.

    The lesson here has become an obsession that has occupied my mind the last 12 hours...

    Something I think I want to add to my ct meditative v log is a topic.. a person..of interest in that moment. I will meditate for that 30 minutes and maybe at the end discuss my experience. Ha! Maybe it could be a going outside of myself and putting myself truly in someone else’s shoes and imagine what their life is like On a day to day basis.

    I think I need empathy more than ever for humanity right now.. as it becomes clear what my self view is of my freedom, time, I have.

    Whoops! Not sure how we went down this road of love ! Ha! I was suppose to delve into nasty ego stuff. Ha!

    Anyways, I like this idea a lot. It speaks to me.
  10. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

  11. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Jason could you listen to this video? Might be you will get some help out of it like i have got too :)
    Amoda has helped me so so much in my darkest moments. Helped me face my fears and anxiety. She is a beautiful teacher. Her talking is so crystal clear and simple.

    MITpowered26 likes this.
  12. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Thank-you for drawing attention to this video @Inger I read the excerpt and will watch it when I have a bit of private time at work...!! excited..Presence..when you stop being a problem to the world and the world stops being a problem to you. HEART.
  13. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    As I'm ending my shift today. I'm grateful. I connected with a patient on a LEVEL. He reached out to let me know that the compound made a difference... I can't go into details but lets just say it was a important health concern.

    That's not why I'm grateful today. Today is a highlight, and today is a peak in the ebbs and flows of my work experience.... because of how we connected and he reached out and opened up. And so then I did something I never do... I gave him a link to my VLOG and a link to my christmas journal... because maybe it will help him? we have lots to discuss and talk about and heal together, him and I, he's on a similiar path.

    This makes me smile inside.

    Hunger4More and LieselK like this.
  14. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member


    So had a few road blocks in my quest to find an empty plot of land close enough to the city ... first person hung up on me... thought I was crazy!

    Second person.. was okay with the idea.. but after talking it over with his wife.. was hesitant due to some "squatter rule" where if you settle on it you can claim the land or something.. he acually wasn't sure if I was some homeless guy tricking them! I tried to assure them I WASN'T... but none the less I felt the negative energy and moved on.

    Third time is a charm. Roberto is his name. Has 30 acres of land, 15 minutes from work! Open to my setup! Meeting him this saturday after my work shift!

    Shit is getting real. I'm going to get a lot of flack for this. Time to prove who the crazy one is now.

    Hunger4More and LieselK like this.
  15. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    If history informs.. then I have an idea I’m excited about. I’m going to reach out to people in my past.. and ask for their experience of me... no holds bar. And then vlog about it. Haha
    LieselK likes this.
  16. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    It’s partly a vain exercise.. partly counter productive perhaps.. partly not sure if it’s click bait.. but the flip side is I think it could be hilarious and I dunno.. fun.
  17. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    MY VLOG: The content, the approach, the why.

    Yes, this ties back to quantum biology. Bear with me.

    I'm excited by my vlog... so much ! It's going to be a stepping stone to grow ME in so many ways its not even funny.

    A podcast I"m meditating on right now is the JRE podcast (joe rogan experience)... I am told its the number one watched podcast in the world. And I'm trying to figure it out. This is what I found:

    First lets look at what Joe did not do.

    1. He did not join a network
    2. He did not listen to the advice from Radio Professionals that said episodes need to be short around 22 minutes.
    3. He did not ask (beg) for ratings and reviews
    4. He did not pay for marketing his podcast or for take over episodes on other shows.
    5. He did not try to monetize it on day one
    6. He did not listen to the advice you must release the same number of episodes each week on the same day and at the same time.
    7. He did not game his title with Keyword spam.
    8. He did not go on forum boards and spam them with listen to my show messages.
    9. He did not hire a team of 10 writers.
    Essentially he did not listen to the advice of all the “Experts” (who combined have less downloads per episode then Joe gets alone).

    What he did do - was create great content and made each episode the length it needed to be and released those episodes on a schedule that worked for him.

    This is never the answer people want to hear on how to grow their shows - people look for some magic bullet or secret method for podcast growth - there is none - it takes work and talent to grow a show - Joe has a lot of talent and did a lot of hard work to get out that great content. His audience responded in that they went out and promoted his show to their friends.


    This all ties back into @Jack Kruse and his teachings. Going against the grain.

    Anyways.. the content. EVERYTHING. I want to learn about me.. but do research before each guest comes on, to LEARN about their expertise to ask intelligible questions, to learn about me, about them. To learn.

    To not only learn hone my question skills, but hone my ability to tell stories.. shot the shit, appreciate all subject matter, levels of thinking. It's so broad that it's going to put me in chaos, and at its core.. its laser light focused ironically.

    I'm going to do this on my terms. For the fun and chaos of growth. For truth. In the name of thinking. And feeling.

    Some topics will be me learning quantum biology, but ALL the episodes will be me IN quantum biology:
    IE... It will be outdoors, or in red light.. maybe set at my acreage.. uncensored.. unedited... and subliminally .. I will lead by example in the habits of becoming a mito.

    Cuffy and LieselK like this.
  18. Saichi

    Saichi New Member

    If you want to get me banned for posting the truth, feel free to do so.

    I didn't learn till yesterday I was wrong about how much radiation cell phones give off. Turns out Inger was right my Trifield meter's crap because the peak readings are shown in very small size in the corner while the average is huge and center. After watching Neil at EMF Safety Zone past couple days and taking measurements of my own I've learned the peaks are consistently and VERY frequently over 20,000 micros(the max reading on a Trifield) on my old Samsung cell phone from two feet away. I believe Neil measured around 50,000 on his Acoustimeter, frankly this is absolutely horrifying. I received a thick EMF blocking pouch for my cell yesterday but I still get readings as high as 7,000 micros through it and for to me even use any of the touch screen functions I can't have it in the pouch. I use my cell maybe 20 minutes a day which I never liked but has now turned into 20 minutes of psychological and physical hell.

    I thought most phone zombies were caused by instant social media, blue light, and subliminals but turns out microwaves are the primary cause. MIT and all these millennials and younger who grew up and live on their cell phones have literally been zapped into the zombie apocalypse. All our prior joking about zombies turns out wasn't an exaggeration at all. And how many wear wireless headphones over 20,000 micros directly into the brain?! People here worrying about cell towers when all the younger generations are walking around with cell towers attached to their heads!

    There's no nice way I can word this for you MIT and anyone else who lives on their cell phones reading this. God knows how much destroyed, mutated DNA and cancer is in your body right now.

    This isn't a time to fret about my ego, your ego, or any other distractions. We are walking around with biological bombs constantly detonating. You need to hard wire your computers work and home TODAY and desist using your cell for your daily 10 hours of internet use.

    All future vlogs need to be done on a non-wireless capable recording device uploaded on a hardwired computer.
    Swen, MITpowered26 and Katie Durham like this.
  19. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I appreciate where you are coming from. thanyou @Saichi
  20. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member


    What about a pager?

    I'm considering getting rid of my cell phone. But I run a business so I need some amount of responsiveness.

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