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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Thank you so much @Inger . The video was profoundly felt. Just rubbing up against and warming up to the mileau, language found in it. The poem was immense.

    An intensity came over me triggered by the video. When I was 14, I was sent away from Canada to England far away in the removed lands of the cotswolds. I was being sent away for bad behavior. Right now this part of the story is not important.

    It is, however, some years later when I returned to Canada, where my mother confessed that during the parental-teenager struggles leading up to my departure to abroad, she was near suicidal of my doing. I buried this until now. And now it brings such an intense, weighted, guilt. Tears.

    I am not responsible. But in some ways I am responsible for her agony. Our ties are inextricably linked. We are bonded, we are blood. Its hard to reconcile something like that.

    J
     
    LieselK likes this.
  2. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    Thank you for sharing this part of your story Jason. So much of trauma is covert and hidden. You are unearthing it and giving it voice and light. The power it has on you cannot stand up to the light. Keep going. Keep on. The valley is HARD, but you will get through it.
     
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  3. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    It is hard to share our stories. It's raw and vulnerable and scary.

    That was not ok for her to blame you and say that to you. And you are correct in that it is NOT your fault. Not at all. Her agony is hers to bear and hers to own. She was the ADULT raising you, her child. Her job was to protect you- to create safety, honor, value, respect... Do not carry a burden you are not called to bear. You were not responsible for her health and well-being. Not then and not now. Now, as an adult, you can advocate for her, but you aren't responsible. Not unless you have power of attorney over all her life decisions.
     
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  4. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    The adult in me understands what you are saying.. but the kids heart in me I don’t think feels it does yet..

    Thank you for all your words.
     
    LieselK and Anne V like this.
  5. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Updates:

    Slept 730 to 430am.

    I feel calm, rested, healthy today.

    I slept at my moms to see how that would change my sleep.. and day 1 has definetely bounced me back into normalcy.

    I now realize how super important your sleep environment is!!!!! Without protecting your sleep.. you have utterly nothing !!!

    Even more than ever.. I’m looking forward to figuring out of the acreage outside the city will be healthier.. for sure it has to be ?

    Sup gaps in the mean time for my condo:
    1. Cpap- get a longer Hose so it’s not by my head all night

    2. Figure out how to turn off router wifi and kill the power on the panel?

    3. Black garner bags on my window

    4. Get out of there as soon as I can. I’m hopefully viewing a plot of land this friday...

    J
     
    LieselK likes this.
  6. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    My challenge is allowing the wounds to stay open longer.. it’s hard as the habit is the suppress it.. smile.. and carry on My day..
     
    LieselK likes this.
  7. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I have an idea..

    I am lying here in bed wide awake. Trying to “feel” and it’s becoming more clear? Less distortion.

    But a tangent happened. I realized there is a patient of mine. An electrician. He has medical issues up the ying yang and On disability. Right under my nose is a glorious opportunity! He talks to me about 5g.. faraday cages.. emf... blue light..

    I’m going to hire him to help me assess the acreage and teach me about electricity! He can make some money.. and we can heal together.. maybe he can even pop in on weekends at the acreage to heal!!

    Yes.. this idea is awesome ! A mitochondriac I didn’t even see in front of me!!

    J
     
    LieselK and Anne V like this.
  8. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Today I will:

    Cook Myself a meal
     
    LieselK likes this.
  9. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    I can resonate. I was very good at avoiding, suppressing and smiling. Really assessing the sounds... It sucks. To truly heal you have to clean the wounds out and it hurts like hell. I promise you it is worth it.
     
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  10. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Right now when I sit in dark and try to feel.. its like as if an organic, alive, pulsing shield is in my chest... and its protecting me... and i'm trying to break through it..
     
  11. Saichi

    Saichi New Member

    Have you measured the e-field of where you sit in dark? :rofl:

    Sad thing is I'm not even joking.
     
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  12. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I'll take a reading photo and post it..

    Why is it sad?
     
  13. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    @Saichi

    please respond to above
     
  14. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    My interpretation is that he’s poking those who ignore low-hanging fruit by not testing (and re-testing) our environments.

    Still a bit passive-aggressive, but I sense some softening.

    @Saichi should perhaps start his own journal and talk more about his experiences and opinions all in one place. I’m curious whether his obsession with climate science is at hobby or career level.
     
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  15. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I sort of got the jist if what he was implying, and sort of surmised his tone as well. I also am happy he is softening...

    However, he doesn't get a pass. @Saichi Id rather you not hide under mother's skirt, and please respond. Thankyou
     
  16. Saichi

    Saichi New Member

    LOL @ passive aggressive this is my sincere compassionate side. :rofl:

    Low hanging fruit's a euphemism Phosph, borderline derogatorily so! I'm discussing high level electrosmog toxins!

    There are places in my home I've always felt horrible spending time in and never knew why just thought too much stress from life, my electric recliner chair and my desk which used to share the same wall as my furnace in the garage. The e-fields were 15ish volts/m both places.

    MIT thinks his mother's weighing down his chest, I'm just both joking and being serious making sure it's not electrosmog weighing down his chest. In his video he flippantly mentioned his bluetooth speaker pod as something maybe worthwhile to mitigate in the future, TURN THAT SHIT OFF NOW FOREVER. Y'all do follow Jack's posts right? Y'all do know what your red blood cells morph into from just minutes of exposure right?

    I'm saying if y'all are non-believers (not everyone obviously Inger's legit) and y'all follow Jack then what hope is there for others who don't have the privilege, money, time, remaining neocortex capacity to learn this science.

    Time for me to go in the dirty ocean now. I have all my cold plunge materials to do inside my home but I can't do it until I block the microwaves coming from my internet 5G piggybacked line I discovered recently. I won't tolerate 1000 micros anywhere inside my home. I'm wearing silver clothing right now as well because even 80 micros is unacceptable, I can relax under 10 micros.

    Think of me as the zen student smacking you (and me) with a stick.

    When there's invisible smoke around you is not the time to start vlogging but to put out the invisible fire zapping you.
     
    Phosphene and MITpowered26 like this.
  17. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    Just poking the bear a bit. It’s what I do sometimes.

    Maybe I’m the passive-aggressive one.
     
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  18. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    THANKYOU. I do appreciate your words, your sentiment, I'm digesting it and understanding your POV. I'm trying to see best of your message. But please see my full response below:

    You make some heavy-hitting valid points. Truthful points. Without encouraging your ego too much, I'll throw you a bone with what grace and composure I have.... you don't fool around when it comes to the implementation. Kudos to you, as that is a great show of appreciation to Jack's work at the heart of it. You give good feedback when your "other side" doesn't flare up and get in the way of your message.

    Here is my rub. I'm fighting myself right now and holding back. I could be inflammatory, derogatory, disrespectful. I could be destructive. But I have empathy, and I care about your progress and journey as much as I care about mine. And I know how to communicate to other sentient beings to that end. We are all works in progress I suppose.

    I certainly hope @Phosphene is right and that your arrows are trending upwards... because I've observed for some time now with intrigue, curiosity, at how you write.. and how others respond to what you write... and what goes on inside your head. I wonder about you.. your ego, your upbringing... your opinion of your self in all its deep and shallow layers. Your familial bonding when you were younger or lack thereof. I wonder if there is psychopathy present. I wonder if you have empathy. I wonder your intentions. How you actually view other people when you write to them? What drives you? I wonder what you are like in person, and in private.

    Because I fear you are closed off ultimately and unteachable in ways you need to grow. I hope there isn't a moment in your live where you are banished from special places like this ... and you are left... alone.. in the dark.... on a cold lonely night.. holding your EMF meter in one hand.. and a tissue in the other..tearful... and wonder what happened to your life? I hope I am wrong.

    You interest me in more ways than one. I take special notes.

    Here is the rub. I can tell you will bring out the worst me in. And I'd rather not have that happen. A destructive kind of bad. For the sake of MY journey, and YOUR journey... I'd rather you not post on my journal. I don't want to post on this journal.

    I don't need a fucking zen student.. especially cut of your cloth...of your calibre... to teach me. It only invokes an unkind response where I'd rather smack you back...hard. Id be curious how this lesson would play out in real life... I'm sure it would be comedic when there is nothing to hide behind.

    The dunning-kruger force is strong with you... I hope you find a way to measure that one day.

    With love and hate...

    trend upwards.

    J


    ps... in case I wasn't clear, get the fuck off my journal. It would mean a lot to me.
     
  19. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    nobody is immune from the lesson.
     
  20. Saichi

    Saichi New Member

    I stood about 15 feet from a black bear while she ate blackberries last year and her cubs were close by. I was relaxed so I didn't make her nervous.

    I had a mountain lion few feet from me siren call me for about half a minute near the Trinity alps a decade ago. Quite entrancing, would be nice if a wild predator maybe a great white took me out end the misery lol.

    I never carry weapons.

    We see others not as they are but as we are.
     
    Christine_L likes this.
  21. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Hey @Saichi

    I've stewed in the emotions you have triggered within me. I dont like you, but I like the lesson that might come to fruition.

    You can stay... for what has been revealed to me is that I value adversity, learning, and growth.. above intention, respect, tolerance. I think you will be good for me. :) I think the lesson is bigger than my ego and my reaction.

    I don't expect this to be pretty here on out.. but I like challenges I guess.

    Good luck to you on unraveling. I think.
     

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