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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    I'm so proud of you! Be you authentically! It's worth it.
    KrusinWitchie and MITpowered26 like this.
  2. Inger

    Inger Silver

    my fear was about abandonment. To be abandoned into complete loneliness

    when I had really bad anxiety, what helped was to just be with it.. look at it.. and then I also imagined, if the past was cut off also no tomorrow, and I was just there, in this moment, in bed, alone, looking at the sky, listening to the wind... then I felt... peaceful. I felt fine, I realized everything was just fine! There was nothing to fear.
    LieselK and MITpowered26 like this.
  3. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Hmm this is a new beast of understanding for me.

    Let me take a crack at it...

    Well it’s stranger because you are semi - conscious... it’s hard to collect any lucid thoughts from the experience... lemme see if I can summon the same emotions right now...

    Its just super uncomfortable and ominous.. I suspect this is about death.
  4. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    I also recently came to enjoy laying in the dark. I don't fret if I'm not falling asleep or I'm awakened by something and cannot fall back asleep. I think about the lovely things of my days and embrace it.
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  5. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    This reminds me of a beautiful trance song..in the song..there is an overdub of a girl that tells a story of an astronaut. He”S in outer space.. alone...for 30 days.. and then suddenly there is a small sound.. a ticking.. it irritate him.. and with every passing moment.. the sound grows louder and louder. He panicks. He doesn’t know what to do. He knows the gravity of this situation. He he alone. In outer space. For thirty days. And if he doesn’t figure this out.. he is going to go crazy.. he realizes then in that moment.. the only way to get rid of the sound is to fall.. in.. love with it... and so he does .
  6. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Wow deep Inger!! I know I do have
    Abandonment issues .. big time.. I feel abandoned even when I’m at a cafe and I’m enjoying myself alone in the presence of other singular people.. and they pack up and leave.. I feel abandoned and take it personally! Isn’t that ludicrous !!!
  7. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Thank you mama!
    LieselK likes this.
  8. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    Loved hearing your voice and seeing your bravery! I do sardines with mayo and mustard on a piece of lettuce... might be easier! :)
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  9. LieselK

    LieselK Titanium Member

    Y'all are killing me with how many posts I miss and have to catch up on in a sitting! lol
  10. Inger

    Inger Silver

    In some sort you have to die. Or be comfortable to just disappear into nothingness.. and out of that emerges the healing? Uh I am not good in words and describing it either....
    But somehow we fear that dying so much, but there is no reason to!

    To me it has been a slow process..

    and now, I often wonder how I feel so safe, I have this really good feeling of safety, even if I have no one to cling to, no one who is here for me. I am just alone. Life can have struggles and stress. But I feel safe. It is so strange and it is so good. Really good. It is like I am learning to love myself now and I give myself that safe space of love - and I need no other to give it to me.
    But how does it work?! Like I am two persons...lol I love that little girl in me - that is also me? My brain cannot understand it - but that is the fact anyways :)
    Phosphene and MITpowered26 like this.
  11. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

  12. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

  13. Inger

    Inger Silver

    totally. I can feel how you feel it.. You must have some really deep trauma.
    What also have helped me is to be very careful with what I eat. The wilder my food is the better I feel. It is like it helps the healing process, it gives me power and courage to meet the pain.

    Raw elk or deer heart have been some of the best healing foods for me.
    Makes a really nice carpaccio, btw :) :)

    Ron was visiting me and we had Galloway heart carpaccio. Next morning he told me that in the night he got some really weird feeling of warmness in his chest/belly, he had not experienced before.
    I am pretty sure the heart we had was the reason.

    Healing the trauma and that wounded child inside is such hard work that it needs everything possible/available to support the process. Nature is a really big help.
    Phosphene and MITpowered26 like this.
  14. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Phosphene and MITpowered26 like this.
  15. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Jason, if you let the healing happen, and you go deep and through it not running away, you will not regret it ever.

    Because you will feel alone no more :) :)
    But just connect to everything and it is so much joy!!! At work, everywhere, I just connect!
    People, their eyes, their heart, animals, nature, the clouds, the sky, wow... wow.. it is all so rich and beautiful :) :)

    and when you have gone through that sort of healing once, you can do it again, because now you know it is nothing to fear, even if it is painful :) :)
    Phosphene and MITpowered26 like this.
  16. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    This invokes tearfully, a picture I wish to paint right now.

    Its the story of a little boy. Hes shy. Hes introverted. He is unsure of himself. He doesn't know.

    He has a mother. She loves him dearly, as her only son. She has her own trauma, her own challenges to deal with, her own patterns of behavior from her own mother and father, that she passes onto this little boy.

    She smothers him. She clips his small wings. He cannot fly. In fact, he cannot walk a foot without the watchful eye of the mother. He learns to not know life...and that all he knows is his mother...his attachment to her.. and that she is his world.

    That little boy.. or rather this little boys spirit has been buried inside the womb for 30 years. And did not know, or have the ability to know, that perhaps beyond the sphere of his mother..there is another world out there. Big. Cruel. Beautiful. And scary. And to step outside... to let go.. to exit this "truman show"... would be the beginning of his life..

    There would be blame for his mother. Anger. Frustration. Denial. Emotions. Heat. Intensity. Struggle.

    But at the heart of it... there was a lie that he could not comprehend. A lie that she subconsciously wrote and imprinted onto his psyche. A stockholm syndrome... a deep attachment, love ,fear .. of releasing himself into the wild and never looking back.

    You see... There was no real "event" or moment of trauma. No. Instead..only years and years and years of small, subtle, insidious disempowering learned helplessness. A psyche that was formed ... and that now must be destroyed...

    Oh...isn't it painful to cut the cord....
    Cuffy and LieselK like this.
  17. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    You are making me very tearful right now...
  18. Inger

    Inger Silver

    It is a good thing... tears are what heals us too.. anything beautiful can melt the ice.. and feeling the sadness is so healing in a way

    Jason, have you read the poem in this video? "The mother wound"
    It was very moving to me. The whole video is good. If you do not have time to watch the whole thing, go to 29:12 min. and the poem will be there

    MITpowered26 likes this.
  19. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    listening now..be back in 30 minutes when its done.
  20. Saichi

    Saichi New Member

    You're near the coast right can't you get fresh sardines or Boston Mackerel which is delicious raw.

    Never considered ruminant balls before, wonder what my local co-op butcher will think of me if I ask for them. :coffee:

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