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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 158 - 160: The return of discomfort

    The expose
    Rocks jutting out in the ocean
    Waves crashing, sun beating
    the sculptor sculpting...

    the discomfort returns
    with the decision to be discomfort
    and the first serve is the impetus
    for change.

    because to feel
    is to be alive.
    paralyzed, scared, embarassed, hurt,
    by fear.

    seek comfort in only the unknowing
    for the numbness of the familiar
    is the death of

    i'm reaching for the stars
    but im still grounded.
    move at your own pace,
    but move.

    i'm grounded by fear
    but doing is believing
    and believing is

    the sun beats me down
    the sun rises, but all
    i feel is falling and

    fuck the control
    fuck the future
    fuck the past
    fuck it.

    let go
    let go
    and let

    live in the moments
    that time gives us
    pray for

    but just know this:
    the hands of time
    are not given
    you have to take it.

    so leave the comfort
    fuck the fear
    learn to grow
    and live.

  2. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

  3. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Human rapport and connection is built on attraction. Why are we all so terrified of our own shadows that we can’t accept and admit to our own human attraction and vibrations? Attraction does not equal intent. Attraction does not mean we want to flirt, date, or to have sex with them........
    Jeanne likes this.
  4. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 158 - 160 Part 2: Choice and Shadow

    Choose he says
    you must.
    Paralyzed, I say
    I might.

    Shadows are
    the belly
    the realness
    the Je ne sais quoi

    Run you might
    But attract you will.
    For the choice of the shadow
    is where the treasure is found.

    So pick wisely
    choose carefully
    but for fuck sakes

    For one step forward
    is a step.
    All eyes on
    the prize

    Embrace it.
    The darkness
    will thank

    For the only
    comfort you need
    is to know that
    sunrise will be found.

    The lostness is in the
    blue. The blue
    sadness of society.

    Red, Ultraviolet
    Love me tender,
    but LEAD.


    Jeanne likes this.
  5. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 161-164: Forest and Trees

    It's been 164 days since I tumbled down this rabbit hole to central america. I've been reading my journey. I've been reflecting on the state of mind I have been in from day to day. I have also realized this journal has evolved into a one-sided "show" for me to brag about my writing, as oppose to connect with my reader. That's about as much truth as shit that has come out of my mouth in the last little while.

    I see the forest now. I'm not sure if I should go back in the 19 pages and respond to all the comments that I have disengaged with. Haha. Not sure.

    To be honest, I have to admit that I am a shit bio hacker. I don't take this seriously (although I want to) because I feel I don't have an urgency to do so. No live threatening, no dysfunctional systemic ailment, ailing me right now. Life is good and comfortable in some respects.

    I'm living. Living life. Moved out. Dating. Etc. Why go through all the hardship of waking up at 5:30am to meet the sunrise?

    I suck at this. But that's ok. We start and we keep going. And then the sunsets. And rises. And we step again.

    Real talk.

    It's also annoying to have to explain (or rather listen to) to outsiders ask about Jack. "So wait a minute, J, you have to "pay' this guy to hang out with him?"

    On the outside seems fucked. I don't know why, its just an irritant when it comes up. But perception isn't reality.

    And the truth of the matter is, the quicker I give 2-fucks, the quicker I can keep living my truth. And thats that.

    Honestly though, regarding the webinars, q & a: See my thoughts below I wrote? What do you think?


    The old way was better.. it really set the pulse is the community in my opinion.. getting to hear a speak... but more importantly things on jacks mind Which we all look forward to.

    While things go off topic.. not sure this maybe matters. People digest at different times different Info.. especially at the level jack speaks sometimes.

    What’s important is to maintain the soulfulness of the community .. hearing his journey through webinars connects the community together.. whereas a shorter webinar and just q and a doesn’t quite have the same special quality .



    Christine_L likes this.
  6. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member


    Checking in. I've been absent for my reasons. I've realized my words don't really mean anything to me, and probably to you by now. Its disheartening to realize that.

    The hardest thing about being an aspiring mitochondriac is the sunrise. Arguably the most important action item, but for sure the hardest. Its the litmus test, the metal test, the TEST...

    I want to make impact in my patients. I do. But its hard to really really do that, when I dont walk my own walk most of the time.

    I do recognize my self-compassion over the years has built in strength. I see the self-critique as a pattern in many of my ill patients. I get why many a therapist I have seem in my 20's focused on this aspect of building onself. It's not the only thing, but its an important piece. Like driving with the park break on. It slows you down. Breathe.

    On a humorous note, I'm fucking pissed. My oyster joint finally decided to put a cap on me, because I was selling out their oysters and other patrons were not getting their share. I ruined it for myself. I can only eat 36 now as a single, but they said if I bring more people then I can multiple that...

    I booked a second visit to the VIP experience next week. I'm fucking P-U-M-P-E-D. I need this. The healing powers. The entanglement. The people - jack - et al - crew love.

    Jeanne and Phosphene like this.
  7. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    "Checking in. I've been absent for my reasons. I've realized my words don't really mean anything to me, and probably to you by now. Its disheartening to realize that."

    I'd disagree.
    Jeanne and JanSz like this.
  8. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Thanks Jack. To clarify, I am referring to my efforts to change my lifestyle to optimal. Sunrise has been a lame effort. The little easy things Ive been doing for sure. Sunrise, has been an avoiding behavior.
  9. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    You are so lucky for so many reasons Jason ............

    You can afford to go to a VIP experience with Jack and Jeremy. How many people here would love to do that and really need to do that ....but can't?

    You write well
    You have musical ability
    You are in a valued profession and love what you do, .....
    You have so many gifts, as we all do.

    But you can't get up for sunrise??????? you are kidding aren't you......

    We have found it to be a pattern we have developed and now, no matter how busy we are, we take the time to drive to the ocean and watch the sun come up - even if it is only for 30 minutes.

    Every day I am awestruck and inspired.........
    Christine_L and MITpowered26 like this.
  10. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Hi Caroline,

    Thank-you for your post. It triggered me. It bothered me. I thought about it.

    You aren't the first person to say words like "lucky." Actually in the last 2 weeks, my uncle said I've lived a "privileged life" and just yesterday my sister called me "entitled." It bothers me for sure.

    I'm not one to acknowledge my own hardship necessarily. I think thats part of the problem. I feel the need to defend myself. I have had hardship in my life. I've had lots and lots of support from my family as well. Financially, emotionally, physically.

    From my point of view, I don't think I'm entitled. I don't think I'm "owed" anything in life. In fact, I've worked pretty hard for what I have, whether it seems like or not. I just act like I don't. The psychology of not seeing all the steps involved, and just doing it, make achieving easier.

    I've sucked at jobs. I've sucked at school. But overall I got by and got out of it alive and here I am due to my career choices.

    I must say though, living at home under the shelter of my parents for the longest time, I haven't had to make "life" decisions very much outside of my career. Thus, I really really suck at it. I'm weak. No, I haven't been looking at the sunrise.

    I do acknowledge that I have lived a privileged life, however. The family support, especially. I suppose from that perspective, I shouldn't be one to complain too much. I mean no harm.

  11. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Jason ....I absolutely understand that you mean no harm. I am hard on you because I think you are worth it.

    Maybe I see a little of myself in you. I got thru school without doing much work but I was luckier than you in that my mother was cold and uncaring/unfeeling. Luckily I realised, even tho she tried to make it about us, it really wasn’t.

    I had to learn to sink or swim really early on ....and I did. Luckily I met the most loving and kind man who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He really had his work cut out for him ....but he was a very patient man and I owe him everything.

    Jack has said that patience is the most important quality a man can have. I couldnt agree more.

    Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself but give yourself a big kick in the ass when you need it!

    BTW ....I did aim to bother you - so mission accomplished!

    You are young and you have a lot of life to live .....and the best thing of all - you have found Jack!

    Don’t ever forget .....now that you know better - you must do better.

    And another BTW ....I don’t think you are weak - maybe a little lazy?

    You don’t want us to think you are lazy do you???

    You see the value in Jack ....you are way ahead of others ...but don’t squander this amazing opportunity you have acted on.

    This isn’t all by chance ....this is real and incredible .....suck it all up and enjoy the ride!

    I am betting on you Jason to help a lot of people in some small way ....you need to pay all this forward.
    Christine_L and MITpowered26 like this.
  12. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    If you want me to shut the fuck up .....just say so - but I think you are strong and can handle a lot of heavy stuff.
    Christine_L and MITpowered26 like this.
  13. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    I think we are all very lucky here. We all have a story ....make sure to listen, really listen, to others stories. You learn amazing things when you listen.

    Do you notice how Jack really listens?

    Do you notice the care and feeling and concern and interest that Jack puts in when we REALLY show up?
    LieselK and MITpowered26 like this.
  14. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Thank-you Caroline. Great words.

    "give yourself a big kick in the ass when you need it!" - I suppose that would be a part of the problem. I do agree I am lazy and I don't have much day to day "ass-kicking."

    "You don’t want us to think you are lazy do you???" - I feel thats a loaded question. But fatigue and sloth, for whatever reason (my sleep apnea mostly) have been the fight I've been fighting for most my life. Its difficult to live a full quality day when you are tired all the time.

    The good part is that while summer is still here, I can D load. And I actually have been up most days quite early, so I just need to walk to the park to watch sunrise. I'm sure that will eventually serve my sleep apnea/fatigue positively.

    "I am betting on you Jason to help a lot of people in some small way ....you need to pay all this forward" - Agreed. I feel I am generous by nature, to a fault, and people do take advantage, but it hasn't stopped me.
    caroline likes this.
  15. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

  16. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I think I know what you mean. His listening is usually confirmed for me when at some point later on down the road, he shares his thoughts, and recalls details you thought he would not have picked up on. And even with pharmacology/drug knowledge, its astounding his cross training into this field (and other fields) and how much he knows more than the average pharmacist does. Its a testament to his relentless pursuit of knowledge/truth.

    caroline likes this.
  17. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    every morning I talk to an 89 year old woman at the ocean. She now thinks she is lazy because she only swims 10 laps instead of 12!
    She swims at 6:30 am and a couple of days it was 4c with quite a wind chill.

    I wouldn't say she is lazy - would you?

    She also golfs 3 days a week, does yoga and walks ...as well as supporting her 94 yo husband.

    She is so charming and so full of life and kindness.

    She had shoulder surgery when she was 83 and then 6 months later she had the other shoulder done.

    She said the pain was really horrible so she would get the nurses to fill a pillow case with ice and wrap it around her neck and shoulders ...and she doesn't even know who Jack is!

    With sleep apnea - I am sure you already know that you really, really need the sunrise...
    Christine_L and MITpowered26 like this.
  18. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    The following is why I dont see the sunrise, this is my inner game, this is what I'm contending with right now:

    I get to the park and I'm like... well. I'm in the city and the sun is like already reallly high by the time I see it because of all the tall builiding around the park .. so whats the point ? I need an IR/R/UV meter to see perhaps, if there is still a benefit?

    In the winter ,there is no UV index where I am so again, whats the point? Is there still enough IR/R to produce a benefit or should I just use an IR/R light in my room in the morning?

    So then, for the summer in particular, or even the winter.. I suppose I could get ready early and go to my workplace and see the sunrise there? It's lower to the ground because its the suburbs.

    Anyways, those are my attitudes revealed that are stopping me right now.

    Christine_L likes this.
  19. Katie Durham

    Katie Durham New Member

    I can't see the sunrise where I live because there are too many trees. But I can bathe myself in indirect light at sunrise and shortly afterwards. Jack has said that isn't ideal but is still valuable. I figure I need to be outside longer.

    There is also the issue that the timing of sunrise changes throughout the year so where I might catch it on a weekday commute also changes. I am almost at my JK one year anniversary. This year has partly been about exploring where and when and how I can catch the sun.

    I'm Greater Boston. My only sunburn (not bad) of the year was last February. Probably no UVB but obviously some UVA. I agree a meter would be useful.
    Christine_L and MITpowered26 like this.
  20. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Thankyou. That is helpful.

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