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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    DAY 125 - Filling the Cup

    A reminder to myself today to fill my own cup. While it's nice to have the presence of females around, its me that must fill my own cup when it's all said and done.

    I get really obsessed sometimes and worried with how I'm leading my life. And curious how other people lead their life. Like if there is some fundamental thing I'm missing, an ingredient I'm not including in my experiences of my life. And I'm sure by contrast, there is a LOT more I could be doing to lead a good life. More discomfort. More fire. Less numb. Less dumb. Better thinking. Better choices. But I suppose that's a good thing - the asking of myself that is. Asking myself the right questions I suppose.


    It's so easy, especially when its been a while, to get wrapped up in the vortex of a beautiful female. It's exciting, and numbing with comfort all at the same time. It's hope, and wish, and promise. Connection, entanglement, experience. Collaboration, cooperation, learning, and growing. It's beautiful. But everything must end, and the show must go on, so ultimately, again, one must depend on oneself to fill. ones. own. cup.

    Filling one's own cup. What does that really mean? To me, it means loving myself. What does that mean? It means giving myself the same needs that, perhaps the presence of a beautiful female gives you. The presence of a mentor, a leader, a teacher. Caring for me. Searching for the meaning, the truth, and the lesson within your own vortex. Your own frame ... in your OWN self-narrated movie.

    It's all these things that I search outwardly for. In yet, the existential journey is so, so , ultimately lonely and utterly, deeply, wholly misunderstood by the world and people around you. Nobody will ever truly know YOU. Only YOU. And so there we are. I am the only person that is capable of really knowing me, through and through, moment by moment, through the cloudy dreams and the dirt of experience that we navigate through. And so, it is my duty, my responsibility, my over-arching purpose.. to embrace this thing called "my life." And fill my own cup.

    And so by doing this, we can live each day without bleeding our needs, wants, problems, energies onto the shoulders of others in codependent fashion. Instead, I present to the world a sculptor of my own sandcastle. Washed away by the oceans of time at sunset, and reset with a clean slate of possibilities at sunrise. And so, by building our OWN best self, we shine light and meet the world in an independent state of being, for this moment in time. And with that, we have something to give and share.


    I sound like my view of the journey is one of solitude. Let me clarify. While being "understood" is ultimately a self to self job, the world, environment, people around, the light, water, magnetism, or lack thereof, is at play in one's experience. And yes we learn from others... we see constructs within our own minds reflected to us by others. The entanglement with nature and people feeds us indeed, it would appear. Perhaps, it's better to look at it like the "setting" is what sets our table. Our body renewed in sunlight, mind clear, soul centered.

    But we eat at the table alone. We feed ourselves. We experience the food, alone.



  2. 5G Canary

    5G Canary Gold

    Brilliant... Love this!
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  3. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 126-129 - Keep calm and oyster on

    Sometimes when the shit hits the fan, you just have to say "fuck it", and go eat some oysters. That's what I plan to do this Tuesday with my roomie. I found a place that does $1 oysters on tuesdays, which is brill for my city methinks.

    Its been a rough go at work. But embracing discomfort is what I've been doing.. doesn't make it any less stressful, but we do what we can.

  4. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 126-129 - Falling Hard

    I've been grown attached to my roommate quite quickly. Its normal for me. I yearn relations, the caring for, being cared for, depending on, being depended on.

    Today I fell quite hard. Not for anything objectively bad. But inside, the intensity was one of great discomfort, great failure, ...it was an experience.

    My roommate has positively influenced me greatly, whether that was intentional or not. I'm a lot more productive in her presence. Upbeat. On the go.

    Today I amped things up even more. I decided to take it upon myself to DIY a wooden palette wall mounted for my bike. Context; I have no fucking idea how to do something like this. I wanted to impress as always. Show. Achieve. Do. By the sixth hour into it, (mind you with room mate gone all day during her own family engagement), I had put more than enough screws into my wall, in a really amateur fashion, and I had a true mess on my hands. My pallet was crooked, if you even called it a pallet.

    Round 2. I also took it upon myself to make a seafood pesto penne. Still don't know how it turned out or received any feedback as to if I cooked it properly.

    Anyways. my roommate came hoee in the evening, much to my anticipated excitement. But then the embarrassment, the shame, the failure, consumed me. I started acting very needy towards her and seeking validation, telling her my shortcomings with the day's pursuits. She wasn't really interested. She just shortly said "At least you tried." And that was that. I tried to get myself together. Figure things out. SIlence. We cleaned the house with distant energy.

    Then she said something: "I notice when something doesn't go perfectly for you, you get really upset and down on yourself." True words. I am use to achieving. I am use to succeeding. I am use to the perception of success. I can't handle failure.

    Then more thoughts sunk in. Maybe subconsciously I wanted things to go perfectly with her, and now that the "jig is up" what am I left with? Just me, alone, my vulnerable soul, left to myself yet again. I mean, who could be attracted to just a negative energy that I have in situations such as these. Its not attractive, it repels.

    I went to a corner, lied down on a yoga mat. And breathed.

    Then I decided to fight.

    I decided sometimes in life you don't just get to have a time out, while other people are contributing to cleaning the common area. So I started cleaning again and helping out. It was super uncomfortable doing something "I didn't want to do." But I did my part.

    Then I put on some soft music, and went back to my yoga corner and breathed again. Then the next 30 minutes unraveled beautifully with stretching, and yoga, and breathing. And racing in my mind were silly thoughts like "is she watching me do this, i wonder if she is impressed by me doing something like this"... then I breathed through the uncomfortable thoughts..and worked through them...what if she is watching me, so what? What does that really achieve? Does it get me any closer to any of my goals? No it doesn't. It's just empty attention, empty vanity.

    And so I decided to put fingers to keyboard. It's been a spiritual last hour or so.

    And I'll go back to my palette board sometime this week. I got a lot of holes to fix in the wall. lol.

  5. Inger

    Inger Silver

    What you write above makes me want to share some things of what I have learned and continues to learn about. And it is about letting go of using others, in any possible way. See, I realized I got to suffer a lot because I was "needy". Whatever it was, an escape from my own loneliness and fear of abandonment, need for approval, safety, some goals I had that I though the other would help fulfill, etc etc.

    Funny enough, the better you care for your self, the less the need will be to use others too.

    And all this stuff might be so subtle... it is hard to be aware of it. But I will know, when I start suffering. When I am able to be present and feel it fully, whatever horrible it is.
    Just not running away, that is the point. But be present, only with that, and taste it fully!

    I guess that is how I can learn the best from my "failures". When I am very very present, and taste it fully. No covering it, no escaping, no distraction. Just be with it. Because then the pain will feel so horrible that there is no way you will not get the lesson....lol

    It is all about getting REAL. Honest. Just be, whoever I am.

    I love it :)
    I love this learning journey. It is so crazy, so much alive :) :) :)
    it is like jumping into a scary unknown darkness. But just lets do it.
    Anne V and MITpowered26 like this.
  6. Inger

    Inger Silver

    have you read Osho and how he writes there are 3 stages we have to go through to grow?

    The Camel, then the Lion, and then you can become the Child.

    The Camel is the "obedient idiot". that is how we start out because we all get into that phase as we grow up. Then we have to become the Lion, who says NO! to everything..lol Wild, free. But that is not enough, to be fulfilled we need to enter the Child state, which is Wisdom, innocence, something very beautiful.....then nothing can really hurt us anymore, that is true freedom.
    But true freedom always take 100% responsibility.

    I love to read Osho, he is just so crazy but so wise :)
    Anne V and MITpowered26 like this.
  7. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Thankyou Inger for your notes as always. I will digest this and respond. But no, I haven't heard of Osho, is there a particular book you recommend by him?'

  8. Anne V

    Anne V Gold

    i think the book @Inger refer to is called Freedom.
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  9. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 130 - 135 - Ready for Love

    I'm talking about my roommate again...

    It's been up and down emotionally for me. Days where we pre-plan an oyster dinner I look forward to. And when she cancels on me randomly, last minute, and without reason, I feel hurt and disrespected. From her perspective, her reality, its just a friendly cancellation between room mates, but for me it feels like so much more. There seems to be an imbalance in intensity.

    Days where we spend time together, it hits me in the good feels. We did a day at IKEA, spent lunch together, read OSHO to each other in the park. Days like that are undeniably beautiful and reciprocal. I mean, can you deny there is something flourishing there?

    In yet her signals are such that she isn't looking for longterm, serious, relations. So why do I want this so badly?

    I've been struggling this week. Seeking emotional support from friends on this matter. I'm ready for love, its been a long time. I'm lonely. I'm sad. And she fills a certain void I cannot fill myself at this time. But I must. For I don't know her reality, and she doesn't fully know mine. And so we don't really know each other. But it feels close.

    The world is an abundance of mates, they say.
    Rejection is good they say.

    Dating is hard. And emotionally, its hard for me to "put in an effort," or moreso to step up to the "game" and play it.

    I just want to bare my soul, be honest, but a potential mate will get bored without mystery.

    Authenticity without strategy is simply lazy and blind.

    In yet that's what I need to do. Save some of myself and not give it all away at once. People don't appreciate when you give your all for nothing, it signals lack of value in yourself. A desperation.

    Questions that have empowered me, sobered me this week that my friend poised were: If she became disabled would you still be attracted to her, would you still care and love for her. And the obvious answer was no. In a perverted way, it checked me in with myself and brought into clarity that this isn't love, its infatuation. It is maybe an idea of her I am growing attached to.

    Questions my friend asked me of myself: If you want to just enjoy your life, how do you want to? What does that look like? I didn't and don't, have an answer to that. But the friend brought up a good point. For my age, to actualize questions such as these means I am doing well in life. Most my age are simply trying to survive. So why do I feel so empty inside then?

  10. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Dating is easy when one builds the friendship before intimacy.

  11. JanSz

    JanSz Gold

    Wait with that love.
    Tell her first about what is obvious to you.

    Christine_L and MITpowered26 like this.
  12. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 136 - Forgiveness

    It was a journey today. It took an unexpected turn.

    It started with me moping and sulking because my roommate had plans as usual (young female, the weekend, social, etc) although I secretly hoped we could have more time together. I was left to myself and my thoughts.

    I was filled with utter sadness and loneliness this evening. I lied there on the floor as the emotions consumed me.

    Then I got up and went for a drive to nowhere.

    Along the way, I reflected on my life and how I got to this point. Why I had no social life, no friends. And then it occurred to me it was because I got rid of my friends throughout my life as things got hard.

    And so.. I went through my list of contacts..and started texting them one by one. I told them I forgive them. And that life is too short to be holding grudges. And that I was sorry for my behaviour towards them as well. Old business partner, old music teacher, old friends, cousins, etc.

    Yes, I'm emotionally and maybe I did this not of perhaps, pure drive. Maybe it is pure?

    Either way its irrelevant. Because everyone starts somewhere, and life's too short to be strangers. And so I have begun my journey of forgiveness.

  13. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    The worst part of being okay is that okay is far from happy. People forget we create our happiness from our choices. People often come to me asking for medication. They are often sick and tired of feeling sick and tired of some malady. They are tired of their sad mood, fatigue, and loss of interest in things that previously gave them pleasure. Their days are routine: unsatisfying jobs, few friends, lots of boredom. They feel cut off from the pleasures enjoyed by others.
    Here is what I tell them: The good news is that we have effective treatments for the symptoms of depression; the bad news is that medication will not make you happy. Being outside in nature provides a light that creates happiness. Happiness is not simply the absence of despair. It is an affirmative state in which our lives have both meaning and pleasure when we are fulfilling our cognitive bias of living in nature.
    The irony of life, In general, we get, not what we deserve, but what we expect from our lives. Few of us realize we can change the tension in our lives with new choices.

  14. caroline

    caroline Moderator


    We always, always have choices.....
    Brent Patrick likes this.
  15. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it. Your breath is a currency. Breathing life back into your ambitions, your desires, your goals, your relationships is critical to success. If you are not willing to risk the usual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.

    While our mindset is besieged by a revolving burst of emotion, our world is ultimately opening up right around us. Will you see it? Feel it? Is this why the lion does not concern him with the entire Savanna all day long? Maybe we should learn this lesson too? Shouldn’t we just worry about our immediate surroundings? The lion does not need the whole world to fear him, only those nearest where he roams.

    Life and love always comes in WAVES.........waves of light

    Do not worry about all the girls out there just the ones around you now. Consider them waves as a surfer does. The surfer does not think about the sea and waves everywhere when he is in the ocean.
    The breaking of a wave cannot explain the whole sea..........to the surfer on the board in the sun. Only the wave in front of him matters.

    The three components of happiness are something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to. Think about it. If we have useful work, sustaining relationships, and the promise of pleasure, it is hard to be unhappy in life. I use the term “work” to encompass any activity, paid or unpaid, that gives us a feeling of personal significance. My passion bursts from this website and not my day job. I enjoy rebuilding people by teaching them about their blueprint in nature. If we have a compelling avocation that lends meaning to our lives, that is our work. It ceases to seem like work because we are passionate about it...........therefore we do more it. We create more happy space in our lives.

    Many experiences in life that bring happiness are in your control. The more choices you are able to exercise, and control, the happier you are likely to be.

    Happiness is an inside job, Jason. Don’t assign anyone else that much power over your life.

    This is a credo of the Black Swan.
  16. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    I wish I could tattoo this on the inside of my eyelids ......

    "HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB!!!" nothing could be more true.
    Ed Pomicter and MITpowered26 like this.
  17. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 137 - 139 - Power over me

    It occurred to me on the drive home from work today... my inner desperation. My "want" to make things work with women in my life romantically... the power I give over to them to dictate how I feel and such.

    I am young. I am in my prime. I am successful. Intelligent. I have wealth in various forms. There is NO FUCKING HURRY to settle down, or to even find "that one." I need to take my time with all this shit.

    Inger likes this.
  18. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Jason .....I really wish you would stop talking and start doing.

    You have so much - as you have stated above ......but you need to love yourself first before someone else can. In my opinion, without your own self love, you have nothing.

    Ask yourself - why would someone want to entangle with me at this point in my life?

    To me ....money or success etc. doesn't matter - not one bit ....but integrity and compassion and kindness and humility are golden.

    What is on your bucket list Jason? Challenge yourself to DO something amazing and hard and life affirming!

    Talk is cheap ......doing is much harder.
    Ed Pomicter likes this.
  19. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    This thread fills me with gratitude. The voices here are like the tides of the sea. Waves are the voices of tides. Tides are the life force in lives. They bring new ideas to minds just as waves bring food for shore creatures, and take ships out to sea. They are the ocean's pulse and our own heartbeat in our circle of friends. The way to develop the best that is in a person is by showing gratitude, appreciation, and encouragement when the waves they face seem daunting to them when you see no fear.......just opportunity for them. I see opportunity Jason for you...........now I want you to see it for yourself.
  20. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    To @caroline and @Jack Kruse

    I see it. I’ve bought myself time and flexibility to now live my life. You are right .. I need to start thinking about doing and living now...
    caroline likes this.

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