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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I do. But mostly, I feel like I want to turn back the clock and move there yesterday.
     
  2. @MITpowered26 Totally get that. Not sure how far you are from the action but maybe spending more time there longer will satisfy your interest in it and debunk any potential feeling that you are missing out.

    For instance, I live ~15 miles from NYC and Hoboken NJ. I used to dream about living there and having this posh life going out every night and meeting the perfect man that I did not meet in my little suburban world. Except I ended up going to a little local college with more exposure to people from all over the world and realized meeting people from different places is better than being in the places. The places smell bad, the air quality blows and the people are nasty lol Oh and then 5G! :glasses:
     
  3. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    No,no. I'm not planning to move at all. I just mean a part of me "wishes" to have grown up in a place like toronto in a parallell life. In this life, I want to move to Mexico as it stands. :)
     
  4. Haha okay :) I think we will all end up in a community living together in Mexico at some point. Save me a spot!
     
  5. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Funny .....I was born and lived in Toronto - and I wanted to go to Australia.......
     
    Christine_L likes this.
  6. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 116 to 118 - Stories never told

    I've been pondering lately about why I avoid the act of telling a story to my fellow human. There is something to this, beyond my lack of confidence, lack of verbal articulation, beyond this feeling of inadequacy. I've avoided story telling for my whole life, and have never unpacked why.

    I think part of it is the lack of "worthiness" of my own experiences, or perceptions of such. "How was your day?" Probably the most commonly asked, but most fucking annoying question I have had to endure in my lifetime. Why? I'm not sure? Out of sight? Out of mind, and don't care about it anymore? I certainly can move on from attachments, it would seem, on the drop of a dime.

    If I someone learned to part the seas, I may..just may.. consider getting excited and invested in sharing that story with someone. Is that fucked up? Is that depression? Is that apathy? I don't know.

    I've experienced a great deal of rich fantasy in my 20's. In my head. Fame and power. Yes. It wasn't real, but the experiences certainly were. And perhaps that has spoiled me from really leading a normal life that is unavoidable filled with mediocrity. Akin to a child hood star that was famed too early too soon...or even a solider returning from war to live amongst civilian life. I don't know.

    Or maybe that middle school boy in me is still trying hard to be cool, to not care, to act as if extraordinary occurrences are normal, when maybe they really aren't.

    There is something really painful in my mind about reliving a story, having to retell a story. Something that says "I just experienced something in MY life, and I would like you to hear ti." Perhaps its a lack of self-worth. I don't know.

    So how was my day today/ No fucking clue. Don't remember, really. Choose not to. And that's a problem.

    It's like I'm sitting on a plane.... and I'd rather watch someone else's movie screen rather than watch my own the whole plane ride. There s glitch, certainly. Something, maybe many things, I have yet to unearth that will uncover the why behind this personal .. story.

    Surely, i'm rambling by now....but maybe it's because I really don't give a shit about my day and would rather sit and talk about philosophy, and ideas, and psychology, and shit like that. Dunno.

    Hearing celebrities perfectly execute a story is just something I'm starting to want to do now though... and I'm realizing its not really what is happening in the story, but how you are delivering it. ... not sure if this means I just need to be a better liar. DUNN-O

    J

    J
     

  7. "How was your day?" most fucking annoying question I have had to endure in my lifetime.

    still trying hard to be cool, to not care

    No fucking clue. Don't remember, really. Choose not to. And that's a problem.

    its not really what is happening in the story, but how you are delivering it

    Tell me then, what story do you want to deliver?

    That you are annoyed by a simple question or by someone asking you about your life? Or that you might express facts about your life in its current state that is an emotional topic (either unhappy or actually happy)? Or that the other person might want to know something about you and your story might bore or actually interest them? Tell me which is worse.

    Do you not remember your day or do you not want to discuss it because you would rather talk about other stuff? If you'd rather talk about other things then just move on and talk about other things that are more interesting.

    Tell me why would someone ask you how your day was? Do you think its to annoy you or make you question your life as an individual? I doubt it. Mostly just to get the other person to start talking or get you to ask them about their day! Do you ask anyone how their day was?

    Surely there are more important questions to ask a person. I'll say the best conversations I have are not about the monotony of someone's day (my own or others) but about random topics that add zest to life. Sometimes about silly bullshit that makes my brain laugh.
     
    MITpowered26 and caroline like this.
  8. KrusinWitchie

    KrusinWitchie New Member

    The griots were the storytellers in the ancient kingdom of Ghana. After dinner, villagers might hear the sound of a drum or a rattle announcing a story was soon to be told. They collected around a central fire and settled down to listen.

    The storytellers told many stories - stories about the many gods and goddesses worshiped by these early people. They told tales of war and battle and heroes and leaders and kings. Stories were often accompanied with music and dancing and song. There was no written language. Stories kept their history alive. Stories were also entirely fictional.

    Everyone loved the stories of Anansi, the little spider! Anansi had a good wife. He had strong sons and beautiful daughters. He had many friends. He was almost always in trouble. Anansi used his wits and humor to get himself out of trouble.

    Anyone could tell a story, but there was only one official Griot per village. If a village tried to steal or entice away a griot from another village, war could break out. The griots were very important. The griots did not work in the fields. Their job was to tell stories.

    Even today, there are griots in African villages, still telling tales of Anansi the Spider, and creating new stories about the marvelous people of Africa.
    https://africa.mrdonn.org/griots.html
     
    MITpowered26 and caroline like this.
  9. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    I've reflected. At first glance I "don't remember" my day. But really as I've dug deeper, its a much more ingrained self-preserving habit that binds this together. I've been use to keeping people "out" for a long long time. Its really natural for me to respond to questions such as these insincerely, essentially making fake shit up. "Oh yea, its going. Not much you know..." and then onward.

    You raise an interesting point...that someone might be actually genuinely interested in a genuine response. It clicked with me yesteraday when I picked up some prints from a friend at his shop. He asked "what are you doing this canada day long weekend?" I felt like in this moment speak my truth for once..and responded "Not really sure..would love to go camping, or hiking, but i'm so last minute its hard to find ppl. I hate the fireworks though." Wow, and he listened, and responded. And that was about as genuine, and fulfilling exchange I've probably had in a while. I think it comes from automaticity with regards to nagging constantly from parents, that brought this on in part.

    So here I am wanting to be a story teller. A good one. Live. In person. What story I want to deliver? It doesn't really matter. As long as its real, and I am able to communicate my truth, and I can do it well eventually, that's what I think I want.

    Sometimes the back and forth ping pong match of conversation doesn't come natural because of the above. In some respects, its ALL ABOUT ME, lol...and then there's silence..then I think "oh right, they want to be asked about themselves too, they want me to care about them too." Its a weird dichotomy of yearning to articulate and speak my truth without hiding anymore...but also realizing its a two way conversation.

    J
     
    Christine_L likes this.
  10. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 119 to 121: Gains and Losses

    It's funny. Moving out. Cooking for myself, and not. Some days I admittingly get McDonalds. It's quick y'know? It saves me time. BUT NO. A realization I had these last few days. Eating SHIT, doesn't buy you any fucking time... in fact it robs you of time, accelerating the probability of disease in your life. Fast food is bullshit. I'm probably late to this party.. but I get it now. lol.

    ...

    The road is paved in good intention. In inspiration. In epiphanies and thoughts and emotions. And action- or inaction. And at the end of the day, the situation seems to be the same: That is, life isn't easy, but you have to ACT NOW to live a life, a good, full life.

    I resonate with the bicycle as an analogy right now. Everyone has their terrain to ride on. This may seem trite...but there are uphill climbs...and downhill, and evenness. The timeline is patterned though. As someone who tries a lot of shit out...I've come to know this timeline. Novelty begins. Excitement. Downhill ride. Then it gets hard. Up hill climb. Effort. Action. The question inevitably becomes "what for?" Why am I doing this uphill. It's the litmus test of your own internal compass... whether you decided I want it... believe in it.. am passionate about it... need it... But I have a really fucked up skewed perspective of effort though....which is why I am bringing this up. As a problem-child that received a lot of "extra attention," I've been privileged (or handicapped) during many uphill phases of my life. And so "doing" things fearless and wholly has been an inherent benefit...but also I"ve walked way unscathed many a time due to this handicap. Easy come easy go.

    Moving out has been motivated by a search, essentially. A search for reality. Realness. Life. The true terrain that I need to start learning to ride up and down. And not some bubble wrapped bullshit that equates to rendering me quite distorted.

    J
     
  11. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 119-121: Part DEUX: pretending to be you

    Another thought. Well my roommate moved in today. Ive been imagining in my head at work, how I want to initially behave to make a good impression. I'm "on the go," I'm "busy," I "have a life." But really I'm a dull dull sloth in many respects.

    ...

    But then a funny thought came to me. Instead of viewing it as "pretending to be something I not," instead of maybe even viewing it as "pretending to be something I am," why don't I view it as just simply pretending...as in..BEING. Every moment I have a fucking choice to be whatever I want to be. And that can be real or not, a new me or not. So today, I'm going home and I'm going to pretend to be something that I want to be. lol. I'm going to stay elusive, present yet busy, on the go, yet at peace. here I go.

    lol

    J
     
  12. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Jason be careful with this fire called "pretending"........The Black Swan knows and understands how dangerous a facade can be. We tend become what we pretend to be.
     
  13. Inger

    Inger Silver

    This ^^^
    pathological narcisissm is always about pretending.
    A lie. an escape from he truth
    that is what narcissism is all about... and why it is so counterproductive
     
  14. @MITpowered26 just be yourself! Be a sloth. Except do it outside in the SUN! :)

    Remember the Redox RX isnt about doing something fancy. Its about doing the ordinary things in the balance of nature's laws.

    [​IMG]
     
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  15. ElectricUniverse

    ElectricUniverse New Member

    Don't conflate narcissism with positive thinking . . .

    Positive thinking is a tool to improve lives. You have heard the motivational mantra: "Everyday in every way I am becoming better". It reflects self-love, not narcissism or vanity. Just make sure you are aiming for your highest good and nothing less.

    You need a mental vision of what you can become before you can achieve it-- otherwise why would you have goals to improve yourself, or put in any effort.

    Another wise adage passed down through the ages in different versions is: "As a man thinketh, so he becomes". The power of will and mental imagery are virtually unstoppable in the end.

    In the popular vernacular: Fake it until you make it.
     
  16. You raise an interesting point...that someone might be actually genuinely interested in a genuine response. It clicked with me yesteraday when I picked up some prints from a friend at his shop. He asked "what are you doing this canada day long weekend?" I felt like in this moment speak my truth for once..and responded "Not really sure..would love to go camping, or hiking, but i'm so last minute its hard to find ppl. I hate the fireworks though." Wow, and he listened, and responded. And that was about as genuine, and fulfilling exchange I've probably had in a while. I think it comes from automaticity with regards to nagging constantly from parents, that brought this on in part.


    The journey of 1000 miles begins with one small step. - Lao Tzu

    Find your focus for the small things that will add up to your greater self. You were honest with yourself and with your friend. It paid off. Practice these small things and you'll find how easy everything else becomes.

    https://www.habitsforwellbeing.com/20-quotes-to-inspire-you-to-take-small-simple-steps-each-day/
     
    Alex97232 likes this.
  17. @ElectricUniverse I agree with you. I think if you are genuinely living your life and focusing on the positive that is not a facade or dangerous. I think Jack and Inger were warning against false bravado as a mask because this can lead someone to believe that other untruths are true which is against laws of nature. But of course that is my understanding.
     
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  18. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    I must be a very simplistic person .....I feel if you spend enough time in nature and sunlight - all pretence falls away.

    I seem to prefer less talking and more doing....
     
  19. Alex97232

    Alex97232 Gold

    me too.
     
    caroline likes this.
  20. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    DAY 122 - 124 - TAKING FLIGHT

    I feel like its been a good day. Defined by me of course. The run down:

    Woke up early and met the sunrise doing some stairs as well.

    Took the day off from the store to get shit done on my paperwork at a local cafe.

    Went for my haircut and received my monthly dose of wisdom from my all-knowing hairdresser.

    BIKED throughout the city to another cool spot to get more work done, eat , have a smoothie. Biked back. Biking is so exhilarating I realize.

    At another spot getting more work done. In my blue blockers of course :)

    ----

    The better the days I have, the more I realize what makes a good day for me. It seems to be about productivity for most ordinary of days. It is also about doing, and succeeding. And dare I say, enjoying as well.

    On the same token, I realize having "fun" to me internally seems to light me up when I am "achieving." In active pursuit of something, a task, a hobby, a skill. Succeeding. Maybe it's an asian thing. In yet, I feel, another level could definitely be having fun for the sake of fun. Without outcome, expectation, achievement - other than simply achieving the state of non dependent enjoyment.

    ----

    Another update. My roommate seems to be working out perfectly, I'm pretty happy. And its rubbing me the right way to go out more, do more, live my life more. And I've learned that when I'm emotionally "full," I'm learning to excuse myself, head to my room, and get some personal space and maybe a nap. It's a new thing for me to learn to regulate this "personal space."

    I don't know how this relations will turn out, but for now its awesome.. she is very helpful... engaging...fun... and quite attractive. There is hope.

    She has cooked a few times quite fantastic, simplistic food. She is willing to help decorate my place. She chips in with cleaning, buying supplies. Overall a great roommate. And pushes me to do stairs in the morning. Respectful also, and quiet.

    And the best part, I have been educating about oysters, blue blockers, nnEMF, sunlight. We used my meter to test the radiation from the microwave. And holy fucking mother fucking shit...when I turned the microwave on, the radiation travelled on high for feet and feet and feet. It was alarming.

    She took notes while class was in session...lol...and is working on purchasing some blue blockers from RAoptics. Its cool. Really cool. I love when intuition provides all the judgement you need...your inner voice/vision being "louder than the chatter around you."

    Its definitely working out while its here. Definitely.

    JJ
     
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