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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    MITpowered26, caroline and JanSz like this.
  2. JanSz

    JanSz Gold

    Why Being A Narcissist Is Actually A Good Thing

    Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

    Narcissism has had a terrible connotation for a long time. It has been disparaged by society, relegated to the sphere of wrongdoing and branded as immoral. The construct of narcissism is defined not by the narcissists themselves, but by the insignificant everyday persons, who in absence of success, levy complaint.

    You might recognize these people, clustered together in a faceless barrage of pickets, scorning the 1% of society who actually had the courage to do something with their lives.
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  3. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 105-107 - Thoughts, just thoughts.

    Thursday was the NBA championship game (basketball). I spend it at a local oyster bar in my area eating seafood. My team won. But the waiter pissed me the fuck off. He was in my face all night...albeit trying to be social, trying to engage me. But with force. At one point he was like "we need you to be more high energy dude."

    No, waiter. No. I'm hypersensitive to comments such as this at this moment in my journey. Normally, I would feel really bad about myself, internalize comments like this, and wonder whats wrong with me? Its a championship game and I'm just feeling and behaving low-key. Well maybe.. that's just me, well maybe that's just my mood.. maybe I just don't give a fuck as much about the game as this guy?

    It pissed me off, and I left the restaurant early. I don't think I'm a loner. My mindset is social. I go solo. There's a difference. I desire to connect. I had a realization today why perhaps I can write easier than I can speak. It's because, again, I've spend my whole life being a really good listener to other peoples opinions... opinions of people describing my reality that don't know two shits about my reality. As such, I've quietened my mind to listen to everyone but me. Inside I do have thoughts and emotions to share, and its time to capture them to be able to speak.

    JanSz and Alex97232 like this.
  4. Alex97232

    Alex97232 Gold

    Congratulations, Caroline--just read your post on wedding man of your dreams.
    caroline and MITpowered26 like this.
  5. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 105-107 - PART DEUX, Sail' ON

    I think in the last few days I have come to more deeply understand a critical concept...that of "What happens to you" versus "How you choose to respond." I hear these phrases almost on the daily, and I don't think it ever clicked with me fully. I get in my own way now. What is universal about the human experience is that eventually at some point on your life, life becomes difficult. When it comes, it may come in moments, or it may come in waves. You may be drowning for what seems like a lifetime. But what is comforting to me is to come to know and accept that your fellow man and woman and child, will, has, is, going through similar core experiences. Hardship, to varying degrees is found everywhere around us. I can say with confidence that if I peered through the parting glass into your life, and her life, and his life, that at some point during that day, that week, something "bad" will have occurred in that persons sphere of reality.

    SO.. the question becomes why is that NOT important, or moreover, why is that LESS important than what we do to respond to this hardship. It's because I think as humans, we have a mind to think things through, we have a body to act, and most importantly we have a spirit capable of hope - hope that says even in extreme of circumstances, "I am alright, things will be better tomorrow, but in the mean time I will keep my head down and work through it." And THAT is what defines us as humans.

    What happens to us is, was, won't be always, within our full control, and therefore we are not "responsible" for these events. It is only our life duty, endeavor, to move through those events. We can sail through life in calm waters our whole lives..and maybe that's fine. But I believe human beings seek to experience and achieve things that go farther, deeper, wider, and higher. Its what ultimately drives us..And moving through hard times, we gain truth, wisdom, experience, appreciation, friendship, and a story to share amidst every other unique, and ultimately personal, and lone journey.

    The calms and the storms. The double sided nature to mother nature, and life.

    Phosphene, JanSz and Alex97232 like this.
  6. Why did it piss you off? Maybe he was right and you didn't want to face it. This observation is from my own personal experience. The things that SCARE you, the things that make you MAD. Those are the things you need. Maybe they don't always pan out and sometimes they don't build you up, but they're the things you should ponder and think about a little more. Maybe that thing that he said to you hit something you feel vulnerable about. This might piss you off that I even brought it up!

    I read your posts about wanting to be super hot and attracting a woman to want you sexually and emotionally. I get that. It makes it easier for women to be *initially* into you if you're hot. But I think maybe the waiter gave you a better gift than being "hot". Imagine he's your alcohol giving, fucking prick, fairy godfather. Maybe he really is a prick!

    Let me get even more annoying. As a woman, I can tell you the men I am more attracted to are the ones that can hold my attention, keep me intellectually stimulated, make me laugh, annoy me, and look at me like I'm the hottest chick in the room (especially when and if I am not!). None of that has to do with how you look. It has to do with her and how you ENTANGLE with her. That's what makes men attractive.

    Mic drop.

    By all means, please go to my journal and rip me a new one with my own BS because I think you can do it and piss me off too!
  7. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Never quiet your mind to your own words, insight and intuition. EVER.
    Phosphene, Inger, Alex97232 and 2 others like this.
  8. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Bout time a lady spoke up some truth on this website.........
    Phosphene, JanSz, Inger and 2 others like this.
  9. JanSz likes this.
  10. Saichi

    Saichi New Member

    Narcissism's a downstream symptom of schizophrenia:

    The conversion of life into money means that there is ever more of the latter and less of the former. In our economic calculus, however, this is seen unambiguously as an increase in wealth, which is a quantitative concept denominated by money. Anything without a monetary exchange value is invisible, outside economic logic. These “externalities” are the counterpart of Galileo’s excluded subjective properties (only that which can be measured, denominated, counts). They are also counterpart to the “other” that technology makes of the world. Herein lies the fundamental difference between modern economies and natural ecologies.

    In nature there is no waste (except for heat radiated out into space); as Paul Hawken puts it, “Waste is food.” Natural processes are therefore cyclical. What comes from the earth eventually returns to the earth in a form usable to other living beings. There is no linear buildup of waste, no linear drawdown of essential resources. Industry, on the other hand, is linear in that it starts with resources and ends with waste—economically valueless, even biologically hazardous substances that must be disposed of. Since “resources” such as the social, cultural, natural, and spiritual capital described in this chapter begin outside the domain of money, their commoditization and depletion makes us by definition richer, adding to gross domestic product. Meanwhile, because these resources are not endlessly recycled, their depletion accompanies a corresponding growth of material, social, and spiritual waste: slag heaps and slums, toxic waste dumps and toxic bodies, dying lakes and wrecked cultures, degraded ecosystems and broken families.

    The linear character of the modern economy is obviously unsustainable, because both resources and the earth’s capacity to absorb waste are finite. The modern economy therefore represents an outright denial of humanity’s participation in nature, and embodies a belief that the laws of nature do not apply to us.

    Classical economics denies the finiteness of resources by saying their depletion will cause prices to rise, stimulating innovation in the search for replacements. In other words, when we deplete oil to the point where it costs $500 a barrel, huge incentives will encourage development of alternative energy sources. When we deplete topsoil to the point where soil-grown food becomes prohibitively expensive, we will find other ways to grow or synthesize food. When we destroy the ozone layer, innovation will be brought to bear to invent the Lifeskin® personal security suit and the Ecodome® ecological containment enclosure. The unstated assumption is that our ability to engineer and control the universe is infinite—as the price of a depleted resource rises toward infinity, so does the incentive (and by implication the capacity) to innovate. You should by now recognize the telltale signature of the technological fix, and the Technological Program that carries us farther and farther from nature. It is written into the assumptions of economics. If the oceans are depleted of fish, no matter, we’ll just farm them. If the soil becomes unusable, why, we’ll just make new soil. If the earth becomes uninhabitable, why, we’ll just construct a new earth.

    The assurances of classical economics and the ideology of control are beginning to wear a little thin, though, because as described in Chapter One, the world seems to be spinning out of control. Our problems proliferate faster than we can manage them. Life goes on only with increasingly frantic efforts to keep everything together for now, while vast problems are sequestered away for later. We do this collectively, in the form of temporary containment of toxic and radioactive waste (science will surely find a permanent solution before it starts leaking in forty years), as well as individually, when we ignore huge contradictions in life and pave over festering wounds the way chemical companies might pave over buried toxic waste. But as one popular title says, “Feelings buried alive never die.” This is just as true of our collective garbage as it is of our personal garbage.

    If the certainty of the Technological Program and the promise of economic logic are misguided, then the depletion of natural capital is simply a drawdown of capital reserves, not the creation of new wealth, and the accumulation of waste is simply a bill to be paid, and not a disposal into a limitless outside. How could we think otherwise? Only if we conceive of ourselves as existing apart from nature, so that there is indeed a place to throw things “out”. How else could we countenance the production of persistent bio-accumulating poisons such as PCB’s, mercury, and dioxin? A culture that knew nature as sacred wouldn’t dare. A culture whose sense of itself included plants, animals, forests, and land wouldn’t dare. That we indeed dare is simply a product of our own self-misconception. Only if we see ourselves as fundamentally separate from nature is it reasonable to think that the poison won’t eventually affect us.
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  11. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Awesome post, Christine :)
    It is NOT about the superficial....
    Phosphene and Christine_L like this.
  12. Inger

    Inger Silver

    Narcissists do great in business, sure!

    If you are going to not let your ego rule anymore, you might seem like a loser to this world..lol
    Or not, you cant know. But what you will do is always follow what is true for you, no matter what other says.

    Narcissist are afraid to speak their deepest truth, they have not even looked for their truth... because then you have to look deep, and that hurts, it really do. I believe when they start looking deeper then the narcissism cant operate...except in the healthy way it was meant to. Being true to yourself and to others, open, that is what heals, it is the only way I guess.
    Narcissist use others instead. Building a facade(that is the lie), looking for followers.

    Narcissists are very much afraid to be alone.
    So they also might;
    use drugs like alcohol, sex addicts, etc.
    or might use spiritual "drugs" like belonging to a church/religion etc,
    there are thousand ways to get distracted from ME. :)
    MITpowered26, Alex97232 and Phosphene like this.
  13. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Never let others disrespect you. Others value your time exactly as you do. If you value it, so will other people you allow to have a relationship with you. If people you are associated with, stop valuing you or your efforts make them appreciate and existence without you in it. See how that works for them. Give them what their actions demand.
    Some might see this is a flaw.......I don't and never will.
    Become the CEO of your life and live your way.
    Being valuable does not mean you need to be perfect in any sense. It is wise to be a diamond in the rough with a flaw than a pebble without any.
  14. Phosphene

    Phosphene Gold (finally)

    @Saichi What book is this from? I like some of the sentiment here. I tend to bury many of my feelings like so much toxic waste.
  15. Saichi

    Saichi New Member

    Eisenstein's Ascent Of Humanity, one of the most important books written on the human condition imo. The subchapter on the Piraha is my favorite, really shows how consciousness is fundamental and primary to optimal health.
    Phosphene likes this.
  16. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Hi Christine,

    I've been pondering, avoiding, digesting your comments for a good week now. I'm probably going to end up going way to deep here, but here it goes anyway.

    You are right, it was an annoying post for me that you made. It was an exposing post. And at first I didn't really know how to reconcile in my head, nor wanted to. But I think after a week with other events happening, I have better understanding. I'll flush this out.

    So here I am working on gaining my sense of my own reality and telling myself not to listen to the opinions of others, then you pop my bubble wrapped ecosystem. I wasn't ready for that.

    ...Part of me is right to be pissed off at the waiter. My desire to be a "fun guy" has run long and deep for most of my life. And indeed some moments in time I have achieved that. Most of the time I haven't. Partly due a unresolved poor attitudes and ultra high expectations with respect to outcomes and how my "night should go down." Lack of resilience.

    But partly, I have had poor sleep a good chunk of my life and have fought an uphill battle "showing up" emotionally to a high energy situation without some sort of caffeine. And that night, admittingly, I had modest plans to just eat oysters, watch the game, and stay in my bubble...

    Pair that with mental "trauma" in my 20's, I have a deep running fear of getting "activated" without destabilizing and crashing hard.

    My life's personal work as it stands in my 30 some years so far, is an ironic one. I've been sleeping away my fragile existence for far too long, conserving energy and effort... for some moment when I am "ready" to handle greater stress as one should, turn ON, and show up. And I'm not sure that moment will ever come without putting in more energy to begin with and start playing with my own house money and go for the broke.


    Regarding attraction, I know what you have said to be the "right" multiple choice answer. I just haven't accepted that yet within myself. I am deluded and am aware of it. I guess that makes me willful ignorant. ... I suppose because I don't see that as fact in my eye of eyes, I have to walk my truth until I learn the lesson. ... maybe also, I've been sold a lie for too long and its hard to walk away from that lie..I suppose in a third look at things, the world has moved on from Middle School where as I'm still stuck in it.

    Last edited: Jun 23, 2019
  17. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 108 to 115 - Sports and Life

    I threw what I considered a hail mary pass last week. I went for a long shot sorta kinda move at a girl that seems like my cup of tea. Family friend so there was trust. She was looking for a room to rent which I caught wind of from her mother. I reached out to her on social media ... struck up convo...offered a room.. with very little actual belief that coming close to completion would be a reality. Mind you I don't think I've really had a convo with this girl before, for real. Maybe I'm jinxing it now by talking about it. And maybe this is a fucked up arrangement with hidden agendas. I feel actually really vulnerable for sharing this one.

    But anyways, she decided to view the place, we got along at first pass, quite well.. and even went on a walk in the neighborhood. It went as ideally as it could have in my head of fantasy. She seemed interested in not just renting a room, but had ideas of helping me paint the place, decorate the place, and it would appear, be roommates that actually hang out.

    Sure. I have hopes of how it may turn out. Maybe she does too? But I'm trying to keep a even keel about it while it solidifies. At the end of the day, I think it will be positive to have someone to push me to get the place looking homey, get out of myself more often, and maybe it'll be a beautiful friendship or more? It's authentic.

    I guess the point is that regardless of optically how it looks, I'm pretty excited. It's the kind of weird, interesting experiences I like. It's like what @Josh Rosenthal said at the farm.... you can either play out "how you think it'll go down" in your head and play yourself out of living life... or you could just fucking live life and let the cards fall where the universe actually intends them to.


    I've been pondering also what JK has said in recent social media posts, about knowing your worth, and that nobody will raise your price of YOU, you have to do it for yourself....Indeed I've come to a realization that I've been used a lot of my life. I didn't, don't, really know my value. I sell myself short many a time and people take advantage..I gain resentful...and the cycle repeats...and I wonder why I haven't sustained very many relations long term ? Boundaries. Self -worth. Relationship management.


    I've been also filling my head with a narrative I created about my dating life... I visited Toronto (whom won the championship recently..irony...maybe I should tell the waiter, lol) this weekend to a compounding/"functional medicine" conference. What I saw visiting with local friends in the evening, is that its a very multi cultural city. So much so that I pondered this weekend what it would have been like if the grass I grew up on was there. What if I was a Toronto local instead of a fucking tragedy in a cowboy town that I am in. Surely, my dating life, my life, would have been something beautiful. I dig that notion. But let me pop that thought before anyone else does...

    I call bull shit on the bull shit. Its just another fucking feel-good story I like to read to myself to bed with to feel good. Its not my life. So whats the point of wishing for it. People in toronto have dating problems too. lol. Everyone has problems. I go through this in my head sometimes when I wonder what life would have been like if I grew up in Asia. It's surely fun and addicting to think about..but its ultimately a road that leads to much about nothing.

    Ultimately, wherever I am, I am in control. Whether I take that control or not is a different story. The market is the market. I'd rather be the guy that earns it with hard work and perseverance, and rises to the market, then be handed "easy" like its fucking middle school. And as @Christine_L says, its the innards, the entanglement, that takes you to the late rounds and the championships.

    Christine_L likes this.
  18. I loveeeeee this sentence. Not that its true (Dear Lord I have met some fucking awful petty people over 30, and you are not living in middle school because you'd be too tall for the chairs!!) but the rawness and the realness of you thinking this way tickles my fancy. You're letting yourself *pick at the scab* that distorts the image you hold of yourself, a man in his prime. (Cue Nine Inch Nails, "Only")

    Should you have been able to eat your oysters, watch the game, relax and do what you damn please? Definitely. Are most people's opinions usually crap and should be ignored? Definitely. The bartender could have let you sit there and do your thing. Something made him say that to you (actually you should go back and tell him you went to Toronto! I want to know what he would say. Maybe he will be a nice friend or wing man!). Regardless, that annoyance made you brutally honest with yourself, which actually isn't anyone's opinion but your own. Reading what you wrote, you know that you can overcome whatever is bothering you. How do you do that? Most of it comes with healing your physical body (light/water/magnetism) and the rest is practicing healthy self love and forgiveness.

    Self love is easier - as an action statement - do all the things! Give yourself new experiences (think "Yes Man!" movie, just say yes lol), give yourself creature comforts, learn, boost your health, work out, sleep, eat, and destress. Do hot yoga and hang out with hot sweaty women. Go rock climbing. Get one of those steam towel shaves by a barber. Define it your way.

    Forgiveness. Mull this one over for a bit. Who do you dislike more than anyone in the world? Forgive them. Who from your past needs a punch in the face for all the awful things they said/did/did not do to you? Forgive them. Your family, your friends, your town. Forgive them.

    The young boy in the photo in your parents' house needs some self love. Did you forgive him for being vulnerable to others when he didn't know he had to be tough to survive? Why did he ever have to be tough? Did you forgive him for being different? Why did he ever have to be the same? Did you forgive him for not being good enough for you now? Why did he have to be perfect? He did his best with what he had - a child's heart and mind. Forgive yourself.

    Some people will always be on a different wavelength than you. They wont understand you or your journey. You wont understand why they get it all *first*. For instance why some men have it all, the wife, 2.5 kids, and giant house and you are taking a little longer. One day none of this struggle will matter. Think about that day.

    Hopefully the last part wasn't too sappy. I might have been writing that for myself.

    Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab
    And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad
    I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab
    It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
    But I climbed through

    Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
    And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
    Things aren't as pretty
    On the inside
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  19. Not that I am proposing moving to a high population density city, BUT... do you feel like you want to move to Toronto or something like it?
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  20. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Beautiful and profound... Thankyou.
    Christine_L likes this.

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