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Christmas tree journal

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by MITpowered26, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. Small steps... small steps.. one thing at a time! You got this.
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  2. Anne V

    Anne V Silver

    and why cant you even answer my question on q and A your choice
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2019
  3. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 38-41:

    The more I journal, the less I have to talk about. It's not that there is no meaning in my days, but I am seemingly looking less for this meaning. It's a vicious cycle, because as I journal less, the less in touch I become with my life...and the more builds up inside and threatens to be ice over my fire.

    I've always valued journals, or more importantly having time to THINK. Because it is in these times of thinking, for me, where I not only find meaning in life, but also learn what I need to do better, what I need to do more of ,less of, and change. It's the impetus for metamorphosis in my life as a whole. Without it I am a still being.

    Part of my hesitation to journal as of late has been my redundancy... I've been making the same mistakes...and that's a bit embarrassing... because I'm not holding myself accountable for things that are important to me... and so I overthink my writing, instead of just purging myself of this toxic burden inside of me.

    A lot of the guilt comes from my failures to right the the first passing of a ship in the morning...the sunrise...

    I have the ability to schedule in an early sleep, an early rise, and get up and get to my sunrise spot. I do. But there is some ambivalence about it all. Something is not connecting. I seem to be "waiting" until I understand the science fully, for it to click fully. This is a mistake. I sought out Jack because I saw something that I was intrigued in. Something different, unique.. truthful, fascinating...exciting... and indeed when we met it fired me up. It's all about whom we trust, whom we decide to spend our coins of time and attention on. And indeed I spend it on this. But as I have always done in life, I am half in and half out. It's just what I seem to do. A jumper. Non committal. And spinning tires ultimately.

    I had to go to church 7 days a week in high school. It sucked. It was boring. It was nap time for me. I've always been an agnostic, secular type. Close people around me always have said I have been very "lucky" in life, and have avoided very many disasters. Bad girlfriends, bad travel experiences, bad social circles. It's been very dis empowering to hear stuff like that... and to be told that I should believe in god because he has blessed me and has looked over me.

    It's hard to reconcile "luck" with ideas my personal ideas that I have worked hard and "earned" my keeps. Indeed I have had plenty of help, plenty of privilege in this life. That is true. But I reject these notions of luck and privilege in and of themselves in its essence for me.

    We are epi genetic phenomenon as human beings. You can hand someone a pair a genes to wear, you can lead them to water ,you can even show them the light...but ultimately it is the individual that makes the man. We choose our destiny and we walk our walk. We suffer our suffering. And we triumph our triumphs. So when people tell me I am lucky, I tend to believe it as a half truth. A false perception. People mistake my humbleness, my privatization of suffering for lack of suffering. And that's an error.

    The irony in all this ............ is that faith is what I've been chasing and searching for this whole time. Not faith in god, or you, or a cause..or something out there...but something spiritual inside of me....a void I've been trying to fill my whole life that I needed to fill on my own.

    Where decisions end, faith begins. It's faith .. trust in yourself that your abilities and intuitions are leading you down the right path and that you are doing the right things right now.

    So no, I don't really need more science to watch the sunrise. I've decided a time ago this is what I want to do, and believe in. I just need to believe in myself.

    Time is measured in actions of today.. everyday's today. Yes. And so then... what becomes of journaling and thinking? When does thinking end and mental masturbation begin? I suppose when you choose to think out of exclusive comfort, and with no intention to act, this is mental masturbation. There is no shame in redundancy.... no shame in repeating mistakes outright... if a mark of a man/woman is never repeating a mistake twice...then my lesson is simply this: I have much to learn internally still as a better human.

    Mother nature is relentless, its impartial, its ruthless in its pursuits...but it isn't personal. And so my life lessons, the repeated signals flashing like a light house going around, is the universe telling me something....

    If inaction of ideas leads to deletion, then I am truly lost and deleted.

    Man progresses, its what he does. Its in his nature. So why do I fight my own progress then... I collect these ideas and put them up as trophies on my shelf of existence. I like to admire them, and talk about them, maybe even hold them in my hand for a moment in time. But ultimately its a vicarious love affair. Pain and suffering has been an avoidance in my life... to walk fully your walk is something that I have fear and trembling over.

    So today I shall have faith in myself... and I shall walk with fear and trembling... because I am alive..and so if I choose to, I can also feel alive as well.

    Anne V likes this.
  4. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    MITpowered26, caroline and drezy like this.
  5. JanSz

    JanSz Gold

  6. JanSz

    JanSz Gold

  7. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    does more oxy make you leaner???? just asking.......
    Christine_L and recoen like this.
  8. JanSz

    JanSz Gold

    Active oxy, (skin in the game oxy) or passive oxy????... details, details.....

  9. drezy

    drezy New Member

    LOL! Yeah don't just lay there.

    If you lack imagination, no problem, just let Twister spin up a creative solution for you!
  10. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    welllllll.......You, of course, can't underestimate active oxy. How active and creative are you Jan????

    passive oxy is great too - like great hugs.

    Are you a great hugger Jan?
    Christine_L likes this.
  11. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    What are you up to these days Jan? you aren't around here quite as much these days......

    details, details.........
  12. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Oxy and dopamine do. This is why love improves the road to Optimal.
    Christine_L and caroline like this.
  13. JanSz

    JanSz Gold

    Road to optimal
    optimal is a goal not a place
    so it is mostly about road
    I is hard to estimate own oxy, besides it is also about matching temperaments.
    As you may remember my DW departed in 2017.
    By coincidence, six months ago I came across nice gal 20.5 years my junior.
    Since she is still around and appears happy then that is my litmus test.

  14. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Fantastic Jan! If you both have a huge smile on your dial - then what else can you ask for!

    We have learned so much here haven't we....... It isn't about age - it is about learning and growing and curiosity, and love and kindness.
    Alex97232 likes this.
  15. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    Day 42-44

    So I went on a date. It was with a girl I had met previously about a year ago. I reached out, she agreed to have me over and cook dinner together. Going into it, I was excited. Of course I had a best case scenario in my head, but also the idea that I should manage expectations...

    What happened next I'm still reeling from... it's been etched in my memory for the last 48 hours... and I'm still making sense of it.

    She lit me the F*** up that night. Like burned down my mind's house.

    You see, what I've liked about her was her realness, her rawness, her truth, and our intimacy together with or without sex.

    Without divulging painful details...this is how it went down: She called me out about 30 minutes into our dinner. "Why are you here? What are your actual intentions or expectations of how tonight was to go down? You come here after ghosting me for a year suddenly, and make no effort to give me your time and attention when everytime I have given you all of mine. You don't make an effort to get to know me.. it's a two way street. You are self-absorbed. It's a two way street. It's great you have all these ideas about how you want to live your life, about things you want to do..your dreams... but you don't get to talk about them.. until you have proven to yourself you've committed to them..."

    Ah... and there it was. Commitment. Half in- half out. The motif of my adult life. Sunrise..non-commital. Diet...non commital. Biohacking...non-commital. This date... non-commital.

    I felt horrible for the perspective she had of me... but intuitively knew this was probably the best gift any girl has ever given me...the truth.

    The date went better after that moment. I made an effort to get to know her..to help out cooking ...actually and actively.... and I knew what I had experienced was indeed intimacy...something I had been looking for, but didn't know what it was.

    I know I have work to do.

    Christine_L, caroline, Anne V and 2 others like this.
  16. Katie Durham

    Katie Durham New Member

    J,that's awesome! You may be ready for her and her message now. From what you have told us I don't think you would have been until very recently. Just when you thought things were stalling out, Pow! And don't you appreciate it even more because of it? What a journey you are on. And so many lessons for the rest of us. Thank you for sharing it all.
    MITpowered26 likes this.
  17. Anne V

    Anne V Silver

    @MITpowered26 for me the half commited went on because i did not know enough myself to know what i wanted.
    my 1st commitment came when i became a pilot because i loved flying and wantes to be independant financially
    that was a dream , a goal and went easily even so i did put a lot of effort into it (a/c dc electrics were not my forte)
    i am committed here.too.
    i can look into quite a bit more:cool:
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2019
  18. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Jason ..... are you an only child?

    This girl gave you a very remarkable gift.......
    Christine_L and MITpowered26 like this.
  19. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    thankyou. the awakening has been etched in my mind.
  20. MITpowered26

    MITpowered26 New Member

    No. I have an older sister. I was a problem child though, so I did/do have lots of the parental attention

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