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A path to wholeness

Discussion in 'My Optimal Journal' started by Haley, Feb 22, 2014.

  1. Haley

    Haley New Member

    Hello everyone!

    True awareness to my body began when I was 15, over 6 years ago. I began counting calories while working out with a personal trainer and before I knew it I was in my bed at 110lbs (-40lbs) in a matter of months. I was eating a maximum 500 calories a day and didn't have food for my body my brain or my spirit. I was a dead living person. After about 5 months of restricting my calories and having loved ones grow concerned (which wasn't a first time for them, my sister almost died of an eating disroder 6 years prior), I gave in to eating and once I started... I couldn't stop. I remember eating loads of ice cream, cookies, cereals, pastas, peanut butter, you name it. Fats and sugars were calling my name. This lead to a stake of shock, confusion, and even more shame and greater isolation. I became even more sneaky, thinking "no one can see me eat this food"..."i've lost my will power, what will they think?". So anorexia turned into bulimia. Some purging here and there, but mostly, I would restrict all day or for days and then binge at night or all at once. Needless to say the weight came back very quickly and more and more came on totaling my weight to almost 170lbs by the time I was 17. The actual restriction decreased because my efforts to stop binging had me trying to stop restricting. But nothing worked. I counted every morsel but to no avail of control. Also during my time of anorexia at 15 I tried drinking alcohol for the first time and was immediately intriuged with my ability to socialize. The following years proved my intolerance to alcohol, I would pass out more than anyone I knew. Before age 15 I struggled with low moods and depression but through these years the depression and anxiety got extreme. I became so isolated and misunderstood, despite all of the counseling/nutritional guidance I sought. I was convinced to be put on antidepressants, but knew in my heart this was not the answer. I went on and off a few different ones and its a miracle I am still alive after the process of that.

    Well, then, at age 18 (my senior year in high school) I was sitting in my chiropractor's clinic watching a documentary on RX drugs. Wow. It resonated so deeply. It discussed the harmful effects and intentions behind the pharmaceutical companies. I went home and began my world of researching. My chiropractor also recommended a specific kind of diet, so I started going to his seminars. My mind was blown. I quit smoking (smoked for a year) and started gaining control over the foods I ate. I began restricting to 1300 calories a day (my eating disorder kicked in) and in another 4 months I was down 40lbs to around 130lbs. I continued to eat this little and educate myself in the paleo/functional med/health world while eventually becoming hard core "paleo": no fruits, grains, dairy, you name it. I basically ate the same like 6 things for 3 years. I lost more weight, tried a intermittent fasting for a few months, tried ketogenic a few months, and so on. I kept all this up (minus a few random binges that started last spring every once in a while-like really only a total of 5 days in a year) until January 2014.

    I went home for the holidays and lost it. I don't know, was it psychological, physiological,spiritual? or from some bacteria i ingested on some mushrooms on my Christmas trip? Who can really say? But I do know that when your in the cycle of being addicted to carbs, it is hard to get out. I see myself making justifications all over the place. But hating myself at the same time. I have put on maybe over 30 lbs in less than two months. I wake up in puddles of sweat and can't sleep, rapid heart bead, indigestion, infections, acne, restlessness, headaches, jitters, every day. For two months. Its been a living night mare to say the least. And has lead me back into a hole of isolation because for the last two years I have been "miss health advocate" , "don't eat this, eat that". And now I feel people see my weight, see what im eating, see my irritability and sneakiness.

    And I can't stop researching. Always trying to find the ROOT of the problem, as if I am going to FIX myself once i figure out that ONE culprit. I believe the sugar isn't helping. The carbs aren't helping. The isolation isn't helping. The restriction isn't helping. The "new diet" mentality isnt helping. The psychologists aren't helping. Looking at my past isn't helping. But I do believe my physical body knows what it needs.

    The research + disorder =insanity.

    Or will it bring clarity? I just don't know.

    Is restriction the cure or the culprit?

    If anyone has the interest in the integration of mental/physical health and eating disorders, i'd like to get your opinion on this post. Its another one of those-makes-you-rethink-everything-kind.

    http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2014/2/9/tummy-troubles.html?currentPage=2#comments

    My faith in Jesus Christ has me to believe he will reveal all I need to know, just as he has always done in my life. But right now things are blurry & guidance along the way is a part of that journey for me:)
     
  2. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    Do you condemn things too easily? You should not criticize what you can't understand, yet. Keep your mind open to possibility. We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light. Time and time again our pride can influences our own fall. Don't be in a hurry to condemn others if they do not think as you do. There was a time when you didn't know what you know today either.

    You main issue is you.......and how you think. All you need to do now is begin. Eat and live a template as you were designed and do not let your beliefs or feelings dictate your actions. Wellness will return to you if you do this.
     
  3. Jack Kruse

    Jack Kruse Administrator

    and you need a pic up......My rule
     
  4. nonchalant

    nonchalant Silver

    Hi Haley, welcome!
    Your Christmas binge probably occurred because you were low on energy. You would benefit from more access to sunlight.
     
  5. caroline

    caroline Moderator

    Welcome Haley .....
     
  6. sooperb

    sooperb New Member

    Haley, a binge is nothing more than a blip, we all do it. How we deal with it though might reflect on how serious we are about moving on and fixing our mindset. Sometimes when there are lots of issues, the prospect of trying to make changes can seem overwhelming. I always remember my daughter, who went through manic depression for a considerable time, saying that when she looked at the mess her home was in, she just couldn't bring herself to tackle it because of the size of the problem and because she knew that to fix one thing meant necessarily moving something else. The task was just beyond her, she found it easier to ignore the whole thing and just go out.

    She finally made progress when she made a plan and ordered what she wanted to do and how she could go about it. Instead of looking at the whole and panicking about the size of the problem and the complexity of ordering everything at once, she took one thing at a time and tried to order that before moving on. She isn't perfect yet but she's 90% there. Have you a friend you trust who could sit and help you work on a plan?
     

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